The dresses have come off, the cattiness has subsided to a dull roar, and the hangovers are in full swing! Welcome to post-Oscar wasteland, as Hollywood puts on some less expensive clothing and gets back to work as usual. For you and me, however, my dears, it's a bit more difficult to face life the next day. I mean, after seeing the most glamorous, most decadent spectacle in the history of human designer wear, how on earth can you possibly go back to the day job, where the spotlight of celebrity has been replaced the glow of a copy machine? Never fear. My wrap up will bring it down to size. By the end you may wonder, why did I even bother to watch the Academy Awards at all?

Second "Beauty"

Oh sure, the press is touting "American Beauty" as the night's big winner with five measly Oscars. ("Titanic" won that many during commercial breaks!) But close behind with four wins is the film that is to me the truly big winner, "The Matrix." It may have only won in technical categories, but it won every single prize it was up for (even ones like Best Editing that it didn't really deserve). And in many of those categories, it slayed the dragon itself, "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace." These numerous wins allowed the camera to catch several "reaction shots" of Keanu Reeves. As there is little distinction among his facial tics, however, it looked like stock footage! Had a safe fallen from the sky and crashed into his lap, I have no doubt his stoney expression wouldn't have changed at all!

11 Most Embarrassing Moments Of The Academy Awards

11. Within moments of the opening music, pre-show host Meredith Viera ran down the aisle and hopped into the lap of Clint Eastwood in a move that I think was supposed to be humorous. Oh, but did anyone laugh?

10. Peter Coyote as the "Voice of Oscar," sitting at what appeared to be an Academy Award souvenir stand placed clumsily on stage. Was he supposed to act like he was on ESPN SportsCenter?

9. Odd reaction shots! When Warren Beatty commented on his years of womanizing, the camera panned to Gwyneth Paltrow, as though the Oscar subconscious was alerting us to a possible Beatty conquest. Equally as absurd were the reaction shots during Samuel L. Jackson's presentation. The camera found every African-American in the room... and then Meryl Streep!

8. Roberto Benigni: Quite clearly last year's biggest embarrassment, the Man With Mr. Ed's Grin was allowed once again to mount the stage in semi-maniacal raving. Billy Crystal even attempted to catch him in a gigantic butterfly net in a comic moment that was rendered quite laughless after Benigni was allowed to escape.

7. Actors Bastardizing Their Film Roles: Kevin Spacey returned to the role of Lester Burnham in Crystal's opening film montage; Michael Clarke Duncan used his "Green Mile" powers to reanimate the dolls of "Toy Story 2"; and Haley Joel Osment made some crack about people he saw being "alive" as opposed to "dead." When serious actors reprise their film roles in other situations, it reeks of exploitative impersonation. Mike Myers can do Austin Powers whenever he wants; Kevin Spacey should not be pulling Lester out at parties.

6. Attacks on Pedro Amaldovar! First the legendary director, finally winning his first Oscar for the fantastic "All About My Mother," is cut short during his acceptance speech. (Hunky Antonio Banderas even playfully pretended to drag him from the stage, though I'll bet he was miffed also.) Then, Billy says, "He makes Benigni look like an English teacher!" Foul!

5. Charlie's Ditzy Angels: The worst award presentation hands down was the muddled, awkward Best Costumes Oscar, given by the three chicks from the upcoming "Charlie's Angels" remake -- Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu. If their lifeless banter is any indication of the film, then send this straight to video!

4. When the winner of Best Documentary Short Subject was revealed to be "King Gimp," the subject of that film, Dan Keplinger, who has cerebral palsy, became so excited that he flew out of his wheelchair. And the camera just kept right on lingering on this unfortunate event. In fact, I'm rather surprised they didn't follow it up with inappropriate reaction shots from Charlize Theron or Tom Cruise!

3. Trying Tributes! The first award had just freshly been given when the producers unwisely decided to sling a film tribute at us, a "tribute" to child actors that annoyed almost everyone in attendance! (If you're a veteran actor who's nervous or excited about your chances to win an Oscar, the last thing you wanna see is a montage of prepubescents who have already scored the golden statuette!) The second tribute was even worse, for nobody could truly figure out what it was tributing. "A tribute to film tributes?" I questioned. "A tribute to stock footage?"

2. The set designers of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" were clearly enlisted to create the spaceship-like stage with its glowing floors plucked from Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" video and a monster video screen that projected the faces of nervous nominees. U2 concerts and alien invasions are more subtle!

1. Salute To The Best Original Songs: They cut the Debbie Allen dance routines so they could put in this? Suddenly, Hollywood's most glamorous were subjected to a host of oddly chosen musical stars rendering the great songs of Oscar past. Dionne Warwick and Ray Charles were magnificent. But why did anybody need to hear Garth Brook's version of "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head"? Is it me, or was that piercing shriek of pain coming from Barbra Streisand as she heard Faith Hill's rendition of "Memories"?

Out Of The Closet

But enough about the actual events! More than ever before, it was all about the tasteful, bland frocks swathed upon the actresses turned, for an evening, into mannequins. Everyone is so fearful of the vitriol of Joan Rivers and the scrutinizing eyes of the press that all the risk and adventure of dressing up has been eliminated. That was no more vividly illustrated than with the appearance of Cher, former queen of outrageous threads, stunning the crowds by dressing halfway respectably. She looked elegant, sleek, and sophisticated. WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? Where are the feather headdresses? Where are the snakeskin bodices? As a result of dressing like a classy dame, Cher almost fell right on her face, tangling herself in the gown's "tasteful" train.

Other fashion victims of the evening included:

Julianne Moore -- Her normally unsuspect black gown was turned into a terror ride through Tackytown by the oddly cinched shoulder straps and neckline. It actually appeared to be shrinking as the night progressed, tangling material and actress into a knot of destroyed designer fabric.

Nicole Kidman -- Her usually statuesque beauty was literally held captive by this odd "Xanadu" reject, with its asymmetrical material left dangling from the shoulders and made from fabric better suited for inexpensive proms. Nicky, am I going to have to come over there and personally select a gown for you?

Tyra Banks -- Back to the top of that wedding cake with you! Ms. Banks took up the space of eight people in a wide ballgown with an unfortunate seam around the waist. There wasn't that much taffeta on all the other gowns combined!

Cameron Diaz and Chloe Sevigny -- Some actresses obviously love to flaunt their ample cleavage, but the result can be messy. Cammy's face and hair were flawless, but her gown was out of the closet of Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. Chloe -- who wuz ROBBED, I tell you, ROBBED -- has the makings of a classic 1920s movie actress but will catch colds if she continues to wear these navel-cut frocks. That expensive necklace she wore looked as though it weighed 100 pounds and probably left a serious indentation in her delicate skin!

It wasn't all designer miscues, however, especially on the bodies of ...

Samuel L. Jackson -- MY HERO! It's so risky to play with the idea of the tuxedo, but Sammie is hands down the most handsome man of the evening in a well-fitted, blue velvet suit that matched his sense of cool magnificently.

Winona Ryder -- Although it appeared to me that she snuck in a flute or two of champagne, Winny pulled herself together with a daring, youthful looking dress. It appeared that she had her hair pulled back in sort of a "glamorous washwoman" style.

Hilary Swank -- Though she, too, was practically strangled like her "Boys Don't Cry" costar Chloe with expensive jewelry, she looked simply radiant in a stunning gold wrap. You can't say she looks like Matt Damon anymore!

Lucy Liu -- Okay, so in different light her frenziedly colored dress might have sent people into acid flashbacks, but at least it was something nutty and fun to look at.

Erykah Badu -- I'd hate to be the person who had to sit behind her! When you're known for dressing in mile-high hair wraps and African-influenced designs, you're virtually critic proof. Naturally, she looked great! But could you imagine if Gwyneth Paltrow had worn the same thing?

(Gwyn: "I can go African! I used to go every summer with Mumsy and Daddums."
Erykah: "Great, then can I date Ben Affleck?")

Matt Stone, Marc Shaiman, and Trey Parker -- Dressed, respectively, in replicas of Gwyn's 1999 Oscar gown, Celine Dion's backward-jacket travesty from the same year, and, in the boldest look, Jennifer Lopez's infamous green half-gown from the Grammys. I hope this opens the doors for all male stars to wear gowns! Finally, Morgan Freeman can wrap himself in that Halston he's always dreamed of!

Celebrity Quotes Of The Week -- Oscar style!

"He wishes he was drunk."
-- "American Beauty" scribe Alan Ball, when asked on the red carpet, "What does Alan Ball feel like tonight?"

"I mentioned something to somebody about the roof at the Shrine, but I don't know if I can get on it. I'm sure something will happen. Some weird things happen when I get excited."
-- Angelina Jolie, on her potential behavior and desire to mount the roof of the Shine Auditorium during the show.

NOTE: This is an extremely jaded thing to say, but let me just get it out there: at the rate Angie's going with her oddball antics, she won't be alive in five years. (That's right. River Phoenix for the new millennium.)

"I was going to bring [my shooting script for "The Green Mile"] to the Academy Awards and that on that day, "The Green Mile" would receive the Best Picture Oscar and Frank Darabont would win Best Director. I also wrote that Tom Hanks would win for Best Actor."
-- Michael Clarke Duncan, on his truly inaccurate Oscar predictions.

Next week, I'll have some updates on the post-Oscar fests (i.e. who got blitzed, who slapped whom, who went home with whom) and the return of reader mail!

Until Annette Bening names her new baby Hilary,
Gregoire

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