Crush Conversion:
Wake Up and Smell the Hottie
or, Fantastic Weather We're Having I Love You Isn't It?

by Colin Lingle

As Breakup Girl invokes the much-needed period of inspiration and amnesty that is Crush Week, the BTD is far too vested in your personal life to let an opportunity like this slip by. No, the BTD is on the case. Now is the time for you to step up and embrace your destiny. This week, we are pleased to elucidate the finer points of transforming your crush from insomnia-inducing fantasy to, uh, sleep-preventing reality.

[Note: for the purposes of this column, we'll be talking about crushes who you actually know. We're not really recommending that you just up and start talking to that person you see in the elevator on Thursdays. Or, like, Leo. In both of these cases, what you need is a good opening line.]

Cracking the Crush Code

In the old days (that is, from the dawn of human consciousness up to about two years ago) there were limited options at best:

You could suffer in silence (which, from the look of the poll on the front page, most of you are inexplicably still doing). You could hatch some zany plot with your friends. Or you could put yourself in the path of scathing, white-hot embarrassment and just say something.

Now that eCRUSH has come along, you can use the magic anonymity of the Internet to find out if your crush has the good sense to be pining for you, too. AND -- as if that weren't enough -- the BTD is pleased to offer this panoply of tips, tricks, hints and help in converting your crush into relationship gold.

For those of you who have not yet registered for eCRUSH, you will still need to take that first bold step with your crush: letting it be known.

In Baseball, Three Out of Ten is Great...

"But BTD," you cry! "What if... if... they reject me?"

God forbid, darlings, naturally. But yes, there's always that question of that scathing, white-hot embarrassment to deal with. In fact, as long as you don't do anything... well, embarrassing... then you'll be fine. There's no need to declare your permanent, undying love and your desire for 2.4 children, plus dog. There's no need to involve multiple side characters and strategize each word you're going to say. Keep the skywriters out of it for now.

If anything, you should downplay your message a bit. Give your crush the opportunity to read into what you're saying, to put two and two (and the two of you) together. Sometimes, however, you will need to just put the cards on the table (especially if they're too shy and are just SURE that you'd never feel the same way about them).

We all think that it will be SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE to ever tell someone we like that... well, we like them. While it's not strictly necessary for your personal evolution, the BTD would like to come out and recommend the telling thing. Because -- unless you really are the kind of person who just LOVES to stew in a lonely limbo -- fessing up is a great way to move on.

Either you will get to move on (like, to the movies) with your crush. Or, you pay your dear friend a really sweet compliment, and you get to move on to your next amorous affiliation, namely someone who thinks you're the bomb back.

Warping Time and Space

It is a delicate endeavor, moving a crush from the land of dreams to the land of shared sock drawers. You will need to have some sense of the "right time" and the "right place."

One useful metaphor is that of a surfer catching the perfect wave: not only do you have to be waiting in the right spot (just to the left of the lifeguard station), but you also have to time your take off so that the situation will pick you up and carry you forward. [Note: The BTD is really tempted to extend this metaphor way too far, but is resisting.]

Don't get too carried away with setting the scene as an award-winning cinematographer would do it. Blazing sunsets are nice, but they won't make your crush see your own inner light. If you usually split a Happy Meal on the hood of your car, then trying to spill the beans at fancy restaurant might put your crush on edge.

When the feeling is right, you'll know. Use the friendship vibe you already have. Drop your subtle or not-so-subtle hints and -- if it's even remotely possible -- don't convince yourself that the whole wide world (plus dog) is riding on the result.

More: The Great Escape!
Plus, what to do when the crush is willing!