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June 10, 2008

Now at MSN.com: For love or money?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 2:50 am

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet “For Love Or Money?” who asks Lynn to resolve an age-old question: “Who’s right: me or my Mom?”

Also, this age-old question: “When it comes to love, how much does money matter?”

A lot, if you ask FLOM’s mom, who says that since FLOM makes a lot of money, she should get involved only with men who make even more. FLOM, for her part, isn’t so sure. And she’s getting tired of mom asking, “How much does he make?” (instead of, say, “Does he treat you right and make you happy?”).

So. Who is right? Read the great debate, and then come back here to comment!


  1. I am in my late twenties and have just gone through a divorce because of said topic. I married a man who made a lot of money and who I thought I loved, but was really “in like” with (I was only attracted to him mentally, not really physically). I am not going to say that I married him all for the money, but it was at the very top of the plus list. Well, needless to say, Mom LOVES him.
    Anyway, after three years of marriage, he was starting to pressure me to have kids. I had been in a previous relationship where I did see myself having children. Since I had been in this relationship, I had always struggled with the idea of bearing his children. Its not that I didn’t want to have children at all, I just was having a hard time wanting them with HIM, despite the fact that we as a family would not want for much. I decided that I was not going to wake up in twenty years and hate myself for never really loving the person I had spent my life with, and with us not having any children yet, I decided to end the marriage. Obviously, my mom was crushed. Even though she spent 24 years in a marriage that she didn’t really enjoy either, she still thought I was making a big mistake.
    After some time, I have met a wonderful man. He is caring, and affectionate, and funny, and perfect for me. We are connected in ways I didn’t know were possible. I have finally found someone who I TRULY do love. Mom should be proud, right? Wrong. She has been pouting since I met him because she knows he doesn’t make near as much money as my ex.

    The bottom line? I don’t care what Mom says. Its not her life, and she doesn’t have to live it. I have finally found someone who I am in love with. No amount of money could have made me happy in my previous marriage, but I am happier now than I have ever been, even while having to live on a budget and not afford the finer things in life. Miserable is miserable, whether you have money or not. Money is not everything and I will take that with me in life from now on. The things that matter most in life are the things that can’t be counted. And moms should be wise enough to know that.

    Comment by Jaime — June 10, 2008 @ 11:27 am

  2. Jaime, good for you. You’re much wiser than your mother.

    Why do I have the feeling that the women who take the position of the letter-writer’s mother, that even a high-earning woman should only date men who earn more money, are many of the same women who complain about how men are “intimidated” by successful women?

    Also, while it’s fine to get advice from your parents and respect their opinion, no adult should be giving a parent a veto right over their relationships. As Jaime says, it’s your life, not your parents’.

    Comment by Dunstan — June 11, 2008 @ 1:18 am

  3. yes, i agree. if you are choosing to be with your SO b/c your parents say so, then there are bigger problems in any case.

    they are your parents so you should respect their opinion but you are not inclined to actually act on it.

    Comment by karen — June 11, 2008 @ 8:57 am

  4. I’m sixty-three now. I spent most of my life trying to be the best person I could be so that I would be the greatest possible benifit to others, especially my wife and, eventually, five daughters. Duriing those sixty-three years I’ve known many severe hardships, but I managed to get more than eleven years of post high school education and become internationally famous for at least two different kinds of things, all good. I married at the age of twenty-two and spent more than thirty years suffering an incredible amount of abuse while trying to keep my family together hoping things would eventually change for the better. They didn’t. My wife began to hate me because I would not be a dishonest, theiving, bully like both her parents. She would threaten to divorce me and keep my children from me if I ever tried to save any money because she wanted “to live now.” She would scream at me that we won’t need money when we are old. So, she made sure to always keep our bank account overdrawn so that I would always be having to find some way of making up the deficit and not be able to save anything, not even one dollar. During all those years, I came to know the meaning of true love but not by experience other than from good parents who sacrificed their lives to provide for eight children. Richard Gere, as Lancelot in the movie “Lancelot” had a line that I’ll always remember. When asked how he was able to take such risks with his life he said, “You have to not care if you die.” Everyone wants true love but so few, if any, are willing to give it themselves. Love means living your life for the benefit of another. When two such people find each other in this world, true love is the result. After my wife left me for a younger man a few years ago I thought I would die. I really didn’t care about living any more. I had lived my life for her and she trampled it in the mud and left me for dead as it were.
    In time, I met a beautiful Chinese woman who was divorced from a man that was a close match for my ex wife. We are now married and living in China and very happy together. She is able to appreciate a good man and is willing to do whatever is necessary to be a real friend and partner. We live for each other and thoroughly enjoy doing everything together. The key, I have found, is to be willing to let go of your own life and live it, no strings attached, with another who has made the same choice and, by choice, to be faithful to each other no matter what my come. If you have to know if that other person has a job and money before you would consider staying with him, or her, for the rest of your life, then it isn’t the person you love. It’s the money and the seeming security it provides. True love does not consider those things. It exists to support and comfort another. It seeks to provide happiness and not to be made happy. It is in that work, that self sacrifice, that it finds true and lasting happiness.
    True love exists if you want it to exist and can find another who understands what it is and is willing to give it back to you.

    Comment by David — June 14, 2008 @ 7:52 am

  5. After 23 miserable years married to a “Mica” Mentally Ill,Chemically addicted woman who was verbally abusive and physically violent and had an “impulse control” issue which means that she has to control things or else it gets very messy.To make a long story short , After her humiliating myself in public at restaurants and also with the neighbors in addition to my having personally thrown out over 100 cubic yards of junk that she brought home from thrift shops, we sold our house and moved to a retriement community.(and mind you i had left this marriage mentally 16 years ago) but since i was on disability for depression i really did not have many choices if any. Finally i struck up a friendship on classmates.com with a someone that i knew from catholic school and public highschool. The realtionship was starting to blossom but quickly came to a halt because i was still living with my ex. I finally got a 1 bedroom house in another retirement community and with no money at all to fall back on but with the hope that the love of my life was in the wings waiting, was enough for me. When i asked her in an e mail if she’d wait for me? she said “as far as waiting for you , i’ve waited for someone like you all of my life and i mean that Thomas!” Well that and other things led to phone calls on the sly and now i am on my own.I have someone that lives 2000 miles away from me but we are both very committed to one another. I went out there for memorial day weekend to spend time with her and her family and we had a great time. The last night we spent together in my hotel room and in her own words she said “That was the best thing that ever happened to my in my life”
    It just doesn’t get better then that! We love each other mentally,emotionally ,physically,spirtually and we both grew up in the same town some 35 years ago. She grew up in an italian section of town and is irish american while i grew up in an irish section of the same town and am Italian american and we absolutely love and appreciate each other’s cultures.
    I am finally free and to those out there i must say that she is barely making it and so am i but we both came from poor families which means more to her then money and status, which mean nothing to her. I am so lucky at 55 years old and she 56 to have finally found my one true love. I have written a song for her which is on myspace titled “I have waited Just for you”. Long live the hopefully romantic heart.Miracles can happen as “Mr Lundy said In Brigadoon if you believe hard enough and give up everything because thats only right.

    Comment by Thomas Rocco — June 16, 2008 @ 7:55 pm

  6. I am tired of apologising for being nice, I have struggled for 18 years to raise 2 children, I have ploughed through several relationships and a couple of marriages trying desperatly to get it right. Guess what, I have finally discovered that I am better off alone, that ‘me, myself and I’ thing and “trust many love few and always paddle your own canoe”, seem so right just now. I am, after all the emotional costs financially strong. I dont need anyone, any man, I love me, I love life! It took a while though, I admit I made mistakes because having no money puts your view on life in a different place. With or without money, ask your self if you are content. If you think not then change it, you are only here once so make the most of it and stop hoping someone else will do it for you.

    Comment by Sandy Buff — June 16, 2008 @ 10:13 pm

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  8. I am in the midst of a divorce. We have been married for 15 years abd have 3 children. Eight years ago I followed her to a different state in pursuit of a career advancing opportunity for her. It did not work out as well as she had hoped. My career hit a ditch because of the move. She still makes more than I do, but the pressures of being a primary breadwinner have become too much and she has refused to return to our former locale where I believe my propects are better. So now we are engaged in destructive custody battle and she is going to pay me child support and alimony. YOUR MOTHER IS RIGHT!! AND FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND HE SHOULD RUN LIKE HELL AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS HE POSSIBLY CAN!

    Comment by Vincent — July 6, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

  9. Vincent-

    My mother is right in that money is more important than being happy? I am not sure how you figure. Sounds like you are just venting at the fact that your soon-to-be exwife makes more money than you, or that your career has stalled since you made your move. Good luck with those alimony payments.

    Comment by Jaime — July 8, 2008 @ 1:49 pm

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