Celebration anxiety from January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

God, I’m glad you were here for me on a most gloomy day!

A year ago I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I loved him so much but he didn’t want to be married as he had already been there, done that. He knew I wanted that and he didn’t. He said, “I’ve met someone that I want to be romantic with.” Like I was some passing fancy! He loved me! Grrr! He also told me that he “didn’t feel paid attention to” — yet he’d never said that before. To top it off, the next Friday night, the NEW GIRL was sleeping over at his house … as I drove by to spy.

Otherwise, I’ve done good, though: not stalked him or her, not sought revenge like the Chocolate Ex-Lax cake I have often dreamt about making, not calling him or her (though I did page him a couple times to no number), not sending him dead flowers or keying his car.

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Here at BreakupGirl.net, we talk a lot about the challenges of finding love when you are shy, when you have low self-esteem, when you don’t look like society’s ideal single, when you live in a small town, when you’re spinning your wheels in a romance rut. But what about finding — and keeping — love when you know that at some dreaded point, just when things were going so awesome, you’re going to have to say, “There’s something I have to tell you”?

At this point, the news that anyone has a sexually-transmitted infection (STI) should not be a shocker. STIs are, in fact, shockingly common. (At least half of sexually active men and women get HPV at some point in their lives, for example.) Yet matter how “out” people are these days about Asperger’s or therapy or whatever they take to help them sleep, the stigma against STIs — and the 19 million people who have them — remains as virulent and pervasive as the infections themselves. They are, after all, about sex — stereotypically, about casual, anonymous, unprotected sex; about (also stereotypically!) skeevy sores where the sun don’t shine. Just look at the vernacular: people who say they’ve tested negative for STIs commonly call themselves “clean.” Opposite: “dirty.” Carriers of STIs: they’re seen (WRONGLY, let’s be clear) as slutty, stupid, damaged goods. (This despite the facts: you can, of course, get infected from your first and only partner; condoms may not provide 100% protection.)

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a place, a magical place, where people with STIs never had to have The Talk? Where they could make friends — even find lovers — knowing that no one would judge them, never mind dump them, over a stroke of bum luck and the occasional cold sore?

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Broken up about breaking up from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you suggest for someone who is dealing with the guilt of being the dumper, so they don’t go back to heal the broken heart?
— Scott

Dear Scott,
Splendid question. Breakup Girl has always fought for dump-ers’ rights — to make known the fact that while dumpees have to deal with rejection, loneliness, hurt, etc., dumpers have to deal with the fact that they started it. It’s a rotten feeling, especially in the case of those hideous gray-area, gut-feeling breakups where just because you don’t see yourselves together in forty years doesn’t mean you don’t care.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: No matter how much you care, you cannot be the one to help your ex through the breakup you caused.

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What kind of BLOG would this be without at least one post on American Idol? But how does this fit on BG.net? Well, approx. 10 million tween girls have an imaginary relationship with David Archuleta! Plus we’re new and we need the traffic.

David Archuleta is unstoppable! I just went through all of last week’s Idol songs on iTunes to see how many reviews had been written for each contestant. I thought this might be an interesting metric for determining how each singer might be doing in the competition, based on the idea that taking the time to write a review could correlate to picking up the phone more than once and voting. I’m going to list the guys separate from the girls since their songs have been up a day longer. Also I’m going to indicate where the review rating dips below 4 stars, since people are being moved to write something negative. Here’s today’s tally:

David A. 578
Jason C. 371
Danny 360 (3 stars)
Michael 131
David C. 105
Chikezie 65 (3 stars)
Jason Y. 62 (2-1/2 stars)
Luke 61 (3 stars)
Robbie 58
David H. 50

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Lynn will be taking part in a panel tonight (Feb. 27) not as Breakup Girl, but as the mild-mannered author of the satirical mystery novel Death By Chick Lit. If you have questions about “sleeping with the fishes” rather than sleeping with your boss, you’ll definitely want to head over to the Mid-Manhattan Library at 6:30 for New York Noir: Urban Crime. “Join a dynamic panel of New York City writers in a vibrant discussion about how they create a fresh depiction of life and crime in America’s most iconic city.” The panel is taking place on the 6th floor of the library which is at 40th Street & 5th Avenue in New York.

(At right is a panel from an upcoming Breakup Girl Noir tale! Still a few months off, but you can read it now on Lifetime Mobile.) 

A question of timing from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is it best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, just to end it on good terms?
— Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, period. Breakup Girl does not endorse impulsive breakups — hasty, nasty little spasms attributable to moon phases, mood swings, mood rings, and such (as in “I hate the way s/he blinks. It’s over”). Breakup Girl does, however, encourage swift — yet sensible, sensitive — action on breakups waiting (if not begging) to happen, especially if someone might be leading someone on. Still, even a timely jilt does not automatically produce “good terms” — at least not necessarily right away. But you’re on the right track.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Another quickie from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you get your boyfriend back after he dumped you because his friends don’t like you?
— Heather

Dear Heather,
You don’t. Any boy who would dump you just because his friends don’t like you is no friend of Breakup Girl’s.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Desperate Non-Housewife,” a full-time medical student whose live-in partner does his laundry twice a week, mops every few days … what’s the problem, you ask?

“I am not a neat person,” Desperate writes, “and I have a hard time cleaning house. I see how this is unfair to him and his daughter…I’m scatterbrained when it comes to these things. This has become an ongoing argument for at least six months. (He always brings it up if we argue about other things, because he knows he is right in at least that department.) How do I deal with this?”

How, indeed? (Hint: Don’t sweep resentment under the rug.) Click here to read more — and remember, if you have questions of your own, please submit them via AskLynn@match.com.

Turns out dating across the aisle could be a Capitol idea…

 

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Here — in case anyone’s puzzled by the references to it in the comments — is the current installment of “Ask Lynn,” BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com. We’ll start posting links to the column weekly from here on out. Meanwhile, here’s your teaser for this one:

“I am a 46-year-old woman; I take care of myself, but I do look my age. ‘Cute’ might best describe me. My question? I simply cannot attract a man my age. They’re either 10-20 years older or 10 years younger. This has been happening since I was old enough to date…What’s wrong with me?”

To find out (hint: nothing!) click here.