Sorting it out on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boy for 2 years and I really love him. We were supposed to get married this year, but decided we were perhaps pushing things a little too far too fast and postponed the date to an as-yet-undecided future day. We both want this relationship to work but to do so, I feel we need to resolve a huge problem that is overshadowing us:

I don’t like to be physical with him very much anymore.

I was sexually abused when I was very young and I know this impacts me in some way(s) every single day, though how it manifests itself in my day-to-day life, I am never sure. I have never tried to block the abuse from my life, to ignore it or pretend it never happened. Nor have I ever tried to use it as an excuse or a part of a poor-me martyrdom act.

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Going on strike, September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Once again–congrats on the wonderful website.

One of my closest friends has been living with a guy for several years. I don’t care for him, but I figure, if a friend’s boyfriend treats her well, that’s all that should matter to others. Problem is, he doesn’t, at least not in the following regard. I wouldn’t call him abusive, but he’s often verbally nasty to her in public. I’ve mentioned to her that it’s not a pleasure to watch him do his number, but my friend has a bit of a doormat problem. I want to say something to him when he starts in, but he’s very aggressive and I’d rather not have a bad fight. Any thoughts on how to say it in a way that gets the point across without things turning into a scene? Thanks.

— Unsure

Dear Unsure,

BOYcott. Tell her you’ll hang out with her, but not with the two of them, and tell her why. That way you get to keep your friend — and make your point.

BG thanks you for asking an excellent question. And so, I hope, will your friend.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn counsels a girl who swears she’s Just Buddies with her guy friends but worries about cheating

I have a few male friends that I talk to once every three to six months or sometimes longer. They suggest that we hang out sometimes, and they know that I am in a serious relationship. I feel like I will be somewhat cheating if I hang out with a male friend.

Is she over thinking things? Should she let these guys go? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response at Happen Magazine, then come back here to comment below.

Wrapping it up on December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Oh my GOSH. Your letter from Moogirl made me SOOO mad. You know — the girlie whose boyfriend was getting her lame presents? Listen — let me tell you why, and maybe you can give me some advice about the situation, yah?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve lived together for one of those years (actually a little more than that now). Anyfoo, we’re very happy. I love him, he loves me, we get along wonderfully, blah blah blah.

The problem is – he has let my birthday pass by twice with little or no fanfare.. and absolutely NO GIFT! The first time, he asked me a few times what I wanted for my birthday, and I hinted towards a few things, and made oh-so obvious hints when we went anywhere together like “OOOH! Look at that Sweater Set! I hope someone buys that for me for my birthday!” or “Wow! Look at that necklace.. my dad got one just like that for my mom’s birthday one year, she loved it, it was so pretty, I remember wishing I’d have a guy who would do something like THAT for me someday.. you know, with a necklace like THAT.. you know, THAT one.” I’m not kidding, BG, I was that obvious (That is obvious, right?).

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Christmas wishing on December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this really amazing guy three years ago, when I was dating another really amazing guy. AG#1 and I became fairly good friends, saw each other at school frequently and ended up on the one hour bus ride to and from school together fairly often. Sometime in the year that followed, I split with AG#2 (just our lived heading in different directions) at which point I went into dating overdrive. Being young and immature (18) but thinking I knew it all, there was a string of guys which I saw for a few weeks and then tossed aside, none of them were amazing. Meanwhile, AG#1 and I are spending more and more time together, going out for dinner, seeing movies, drinking at the bar after class together and having wonderfully stimulating (intellectually) discussions.

About a year and a half after our first meeting, we get quite inebriated and end up kissing on my front step and discussing the possibility of us getting together. I knew then that he felt more about me than I felt about him, but I went ahead anyway thinking, I should like him, he’s amazing! So what happens? The next day I flip out and tell him it’s not going to work, I can’t deal etc. etc. Being the AG that he is, he is totally cool about the whole thing. A few days later, he goes home for the summer, and the next fall, I leave to go away to school halfway across the country.

Well, it’s been a year and a half now since the whole kissing thing happened between us and we have still never talked about it. Things haven’t been quite the same between us since then either, and I feel totally terrible about my behaviour. Well, after an amazing dinner with him this summer, right before I again left to come back to school, I started to think about him in a different way, seriously this time. And since I’ve been back I sometimes miss him so much that it physically hurts me. The problem, there is no one else in my life right now, but there is someone in his. We talk on the phone and he doesn’t talk about her much, I get the feeling it’s not serious. And recently he totally hinted that he was still thinking about me as more that just his friend. I would like nothing more than to explore this possibility when I get home for Christmas, but am very unsure about whether or not he is on the same page as me. Plus, I want to be sure this time that I want a relationship with him, he’s so amazing that the thought of me hurting him again scares me. I more than anything don’t want to lose him as a friend. Any thoughts?

— Hoping to Change His Mind

BG doesn’t exactly break out the mistletoe after the jump

All dressed up and no place to go on December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I have been dating ever since she asked me to our school’s Winter Formal last year. It went pretty well, although I had to work around her schedule because she was a seriously competitive swimmer. But, we were happy and had plenty of time for each other. I grew real attached to her during this time (in a mental sense, not physically). At any rate, about eight months ago she switched to another swim team, where they really work her out. For the past couple of months, she hasn’t had time for anything other than swimming and school. She’d always been tired, and would hardly talk on the phone or in person. I always had to sacrifice and work around her schedule to be able to do anything, since swimming is such a high priority to her. I’m a pretty busy guy too, but still, the lack of attention was kind of bothering me. Still, I thought it wasn’t so bad, until the Winter Formal came around this year. We went together again, and it was pretty bad. She barely talked at all during dinner, and her eyes were all bloodshot from not getting enough sleep. She swam about 8 miles that morning, so I can see why she was tired, but still, the dance was bad. She didn’t dance much at all, and every once in a while she would wander off and talk to people in some of her classes or to the people on her swim team that go to our school. All this tiredness and wandering — should I just accept this as the result of dating a nationally-ranked swimmer, or should I mention something to her about it, or what? I’m really confused, ’cause I’m no expert in relationships and stuff. Please help me!

— DC

BG busts out an important maxim after the jump!

Getting serious on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 25 and when I was 9 I was molested for over a year by my babysitter. Obviously this was a pretty traumatic experience. But since my family doesn’t seem to like dealing with any sort of unpleasantness, it was never talked about within my family and I have never gone through any therapy.

Fast forward to the present: I’m a fairly well-adjusted kickass kind of chick who feels fairly normal compared to some of her emotionally unstable friends. There is one problem though; I can’t seem to date anyone for longer than two weeks. Most of the time the guys are losers who can’t commit and so they ditch me pretty quickly. Also up until recently I wasn’t sure I wanted to date anyone seriously.

Well, now I want to and it feels like I can’t.

So here’s the big question: Can someone who’s suffered a trauma that shattered her confidence in herself and others when she was a child ever have a healthy relationship? I don’t really feel like I need therapy cause I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me emotionally. But I’ve been dating for 7 years and have never had a long term, committed relationship.

If you have an opinion, please share it.

–Jeze

BG’s opinion after the jump!

Crushed on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My dilemma sounds a lot like the movie “The Object of My Affection.” You know, the one where Jennifer Aniston falls in love with her gay best friend, played by Paul Rudd? Well anyways, my problem is that I have a huge crush on my guy friend. He’s wonderful, sweet, and shy. We can talk about anything with each other. The problem, as you probably guessed, is that he’s gay. Well, actually, he’s just very confused. Lately, he says he’s been experiencing an attraction to other men, and this really concerns and scares him. But I’m completely in love with him, and I don’t know what to do. He thinks there’s also a chance he’s bisexual. Should I be hoping for this? Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who’s attracted to both sexes?

— Paige

BG’s advice after the jump!

Friendly warnings on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is the last (hopefully) installment in the Jo R. Heavy Opera Company’s production of “I love you, Come here; I hate you, Go away,” otherwise known as the Ring Cycle of Numbing Depression and Futility.

Quick recap: I met him 7 years ago; I was attached when he was single, then he got married when my relationship broke up; he claims his marriage is dreadful, and he’s been “on the verge of divorce” for 5 years now (I’ve never bought this, since he’s still married and they’ve had 2 kids). He and I have flirted heavily ever since we met, but never had sex. Two years ago he moved to Chicago; he started writing to me shortly after, always with the flirtation thing going on. In February he told me his marriage was definitely *over*, and I had said, “I’m so sorry but YIPPEE — when can I visit?” He then lapsed into complete silence for 3 months, at the end of which I wrote you to ask what I should do.

You put my name on the Breakuplist — although there was never an “up” to be broken in this case — and I wrote to him and told him that since he wasn’t interested, we should scotch all erotic impluses. After this brief recess, our amiable “what I did today” newsy e-mails continued; after all, we’ve been friends for years.

Last week, though, after I mentioned that I’m booked to give conference papers in Florida and Ann Arbor this fall, he asked if he could come. I promptly whipped back that he could *not* come, since when I’d suggested the same sort of thing he’d run like a hare, and told him that it was rude and unkind, when he didn’t want to sleep with me, to pretend that he did. He apologized abjectly and declared that we should simply forget about flirting, since he “valued our friendship so highly.”

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Tired of waiting on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been in a 2-year relationship with my boyfriend and now we’ve hit that make or break point. He wants to marry me but doesn’t have the financial means yet. We’re both in our mid-20s, make decent money but still have awhile to go before we’re financially secure. He’s planning on going to grad school part time (which would mean 5 years before he would get his degree) but that would take a big chunk out of “wedding savings.” He has also has a lot of financial obligations at home and for his family.

My question is do I wait for him to get his act together or do I move on? I don’t want to be like a Christmas tree that goes bad after the 25th. My parents have been hounding us to at least get engaged but who wants to have a 5-year engagement? I feel like I really do love him (he’s my first “real” b-f) but love won’t pay the bills. I want a comfortable life with my future hubby but if he’s bringing in all this baggage into our life together before we’ve even begun, I don’t really know if I can handle it. I’ve been patient and understanding and I don’t want to lose him but maybe momma’s right and I do have to marry for money rather than love.

Please share your thoughts on this. Thanks!
— (Not a) Material Girl

BG shares her thoughts after the jump!