Dear Breakup Girl,

Ten years ago I had a very passionate, very wonderful relationship with a man I’ll call Rex. We were very much in love, and, being in our mid-20s, were also immature and somewhat foolish. I broke up because of something that, from my perspective, was totally his fault. I kept all his love letters (we lived on different islands) and when I re-read all of them recently, I discovered that our breakup was as much my fault as his.

Last year I found out that Rex was moving to an island near mine. Not coincidentally, I moved to the same island. I began to fantasize about him and the possibilities for a relationship with him — a more mature and committed relationship.

Well, we saw each other for the first time since the breakup a few months ago, and the meeting was … electric. The spark was still there. However, what I did not know until then was that Rex is here with a “partner.” I later found out that Rex will be asking this woman to marry him.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Deal: seeing boy for six months, not serious (i.e. never really considering future possibilities) although we spent all our time together. All. He met a girl who lives far away, decided he is ‘in love’ and has been conducting a long-distance relationship with a woman he has met once. Of sorts. He still sleeps at my place (though there is no sex) and we eat together, walk the dog together, trying to proclaim to the world and to ourselves how comfortable we are with being … Just Friends.

His girlfriend (somewhat understandably) goes ballistic when my name is even mentioned, and so he no longer mentions my name to her.

He is completely infatuated with her, but is completely completely unwilling to change things between us. He says that because we are no longer actually having sex, he is not being unfaithful to her … though we still sleep in the same bed and I wake with his arms around me … I know that’s terrible, but HE’S the one who has changed things so shouldn’t HE be the one who is responsible for making sure things change?

Wait, there’s more after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating Danielle for about two months now, and I have grown very attached to her. The problem that I have started after our 4th date… She told me that she is in an open relationship with David (who told her back at Christmas time after a year and a half that he wanted to see other people, and wanted her to do the same. Shortly after we started dating David decided that he wanted Danielle back, and she told me about this, and that she wanted to continue the relationship with him TOO. At this point I took two days to decide if I want to get into this situation; the reason that I decided to continue is that Danielle interested me like no other woman that I have ever dated before.

In the last two months I have met several of her friends (who all agree that he should ditch him for me) with whom I get along great; in fact her friend Kristy apologized to me for ever getting the two of them together two years ago. Danielle currently complains that all the two of them do is argue.

Today I find out that, yesterday when she was at his house talking to him, he told her to pick between him and me, and she said “Chris” (me) and he told her to get out of his house, she was apparently ready to walk out the door, when she decided to continue talking with him.

A friend of Danielle’s has been telling me that I should ask Danielle to choose! The main reason that I haven’t done this is because I don’t want Danielle to say “I choose David.” I’d be crushed; on the other hand, if she chose me, I wouldn’t have to continue biting my lip every time his name is mentioned.

I was currently planning on telling Danielle something like “this open relationship between David and me is not working out for me, I don’t want to continue sharing your attention with him; I just don’t feel that we can continue a healthy relationship under these circumstances.”

Any advice? I just don’t know what to do.

— Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Yes, you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m single, affectionate, smart, 25, employed (web designer), the whole nine that in theory should be dripping in women. The first part of my lunacy today is an ex I broke up with about a year ago, who I am beginning to think I cared for more than I wanted to admit. I broke up with her because she was nagging me and making me drive to her (LA to North Hollywood) but would never come to my house (she claimed I live in a bad neighborhood). I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me (which was stunning, in that I was at her house with her at least 5 nights a week). A year after we met, before the cheating info and after the breakup, I left a rose with no petals, an order of albacore sushi (her favorite) and a bittersweet poem on her doorstep. She claimed she didn’t understand it, we stopped talking at all. It troubled me.

Yet I wake up most mornings thinking about her. I go to sleep imagining us cuddled up together. A yearafterwards. I have dated and dealt with other people, I am actively pursuing someone very unlike her now … why can I not stop thinking about this self absorbed butterscotch bundle of infidelity? My friends almost puke every time I mention her name and hosted a celebration when I broke up with her. It’s insane.

Part 2 — I broke up with this older woman because she was conniving and hatched an elaborate plot over $5. She continued to call for … er, “visits” off and on for months, and has recently halfheartedly tried to pursue me seriously again. Remember I said my friends hate the first girl? It’s practically a jihad against this one, well known to leave 4-10 messages/day on my machine when she’s twitchy. On top of all that she has bad breath! Yet I haven’t told her to bugger off. Is it just physical? I feel so shallow just thinking that may be it.

— Bad Karma

Dear BK,

Lunacy, Part 1: You can’t stop thinking about Butterscotch Bundle because you did not get to have the last word. You tried, but as you said, she didn’t really even get the sushi-gram (so L.A.!), and plus, that all happened beforeyou got the cheating memo. That is what is driving you nuts. And fair enough.

Lunacy, Part 2: If it is just physical with Halitosa McCoy, you are hardly the first person to go there. (In the world, I mean; I don’t know about her past.) Get off your own case. And off the phone with her.

I don’t think you’re insane; I think somehow you’re getting some mileage with your buds by being The Guy with Heinous Girlfriends. It’s always good for a laugh, I’m sure, and also for … avoiding commitment. I’m just saying.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally posted on August 3, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I started dating at a very young age (14 years old). My parents let me date this guy whose name is Jesse. We went together for a year and a half. We went through this little stage in which we would break up, then change our minds so on and so forth. Well we have been officially split for about 2 months. My best guy friend Chris is one of Jesse’s friends so of course I hear about him often, even though Chris doesn’t talk a lot about Jesse (he knows that it hurts me). Well recently I was shopping with my friend Christine and I saw Jesse at the mall with one of his guy friends. It had been a long time since I had seen him and it was good and bad all at the same time. We didn’t know how to act since we were there together, but not really together (you know what I mean). So me and my friend were going to leave because she knew I felt awkward around him, but he said he wanted a hug before I left. I was wrong when I thought that would be okay. Of course those sparks started flying. He told me how much he missed me and all of those lines that make a girl happy. Well Jesse decided to go and talk to my father, who happens to be a big man, and ask him if Jesse and I could go out soon. (My family does not like him.) Well my 16th birthday party was coming up the following weekend and my dad agreed on my behalf that Jesse and I could go out after my party. Well here I am thinking this is great. All of a sudden he doesn’t like to call as much. He met someone else in those moments of time before he could see me. He still calls every once in a while. At one time I was his everything. Now I am nothing. There is so much more to this story, but should I just say forget him and move on. He still gives me hope at times, and then turns it away. I love him and I guess that is why it hurts so bad! HELP!!!!

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

If Jesse was willing to lay it on the line with your big scary disapproving dad, then, well, yeah: you’d think that you were about to be upgraded to his “everything” again. But my hunch is that he was running on leftover sparks from that mall-hug — sparks that since then, for whatever heinous awful painful no-good very-bad reason, have gone out. In terms of giving you hope, I think he is just trying to be nice. Which is … nice. But not a sign. Still, at least it indicates that you are not nothing to him. You are someone he still cares about, at very least — and with so many other nightmare breakups going on around us, hey, that’s something.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it true? Do guys inherently need to behave like imbeciles from time to time? I have been dating a guy for a month now; he’s 38, I am 25. The age difference is not the problem; he frequently attests to the fact that emotionally I am still light years ahead of him and, sadly, this is true. Regardless, we met through a mutual friend and have been dating steadily since. Daily phone calls, a few lunches and at least two movie/dinners a week plus weekends doing outdoorsy things together. Early dating bliss.

This weekend, however, he bought a new motorized water toy of some sort and took off with “the boys” for the weekend to test it out EVEN THOUGH he said he would call me and we would go out Saturday night. As I type, it is Sunday evening and I have not heard WORD ONE from him; he’d better hope he is lying in the hospital with a broken something or other or I am going to break it for him when I do hear from him.

Why on earth do they do this? I thought I was out of the red zone by dating a guy who was going through fraternity rush when I was in kindergarten, but apparently the problem is endemic and some men are simply resigned to the fact that they must take off from time to time like a pack of dogs chasing after cars they have no intention of driving.

Please advise.

— The Real McBeal

Dear RMB,

Eeaaaaasy, Ally. If he said he would call, then yeah, he probably should have called. BUT. Assuming he and his buds are not out there lipsynching to The Go-Go’s “Vacation” video, it is no more GUY behavior to take a weekend at sea with the boys than it is GIRL behavior to get all huffy about it. And to thus rush to judgment about men as a gender. And I do mean rush: it’s been a month. No time for his behavior to become a pattern. Or yours. Don’t let it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was introduced to this boy two weeks ago, and yes, he’s cute, and he’s very nice, but he already acts like he’s my one and only. He doesn’t know that I’m a notorious player (…but I don’t actually enjoy breaking guys’ hearts). I don’t know how to tell him that we don’t have a serious thing going on … I am afraid of how he’ll react. How do I tell him?

— Puzzled Player

Dear Puzzled,

On the one hand: if he’s the kind of person who gets all “one and only” after only two weeks, then his attachment to you is — in part — a matter of his personality, not of your playerhood.

On the other: the act of breaking it to him — which you should just do, gently — is not your main problem. You, Puzzled, do have a serious thing going on. It’s that you’re finding out that playing people isn’t all fun and games. I mean, let’s say you don’t like brussels sprouts. You don’t like them, you stop eating them. But if you don’t breaking hearts, then why don’t you just stop? Here’s why: there’s gotta be something in it for you. Are you afraid that you’re not likeable in a girlfriend kind of way? Are you looking for quick fixes to soothe loneliness? Do you have something to prove … like that you’re a “bad person?” I don’t have enough data to tell you exactly why myself, so you’re the one who’s got to play this one out in your head. Before the next boy, or the next, or the next, decides he’s the one and only.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met this really hot guy. We hit it off right away, flirting left and right. He came over a few times, and we made out. He’s a few years older than me, so right off the bat I told him I am not going to have sex with him, and I’m not. He said okay, and we are still “proceeding” with the “relationship.” It seems that I always call him to come over, and he only calls when I tell him to. Is he just in it for one thing, to get as far as he can? He kinda has a reputation as being a player. Should I still proceed, knowing that he probably just wants one thing? Does he, or is he changing? I know he’ll never pressure me for sex, and he’ll respect my decisions about how far we go. What do we do? HELP!!!!!!!!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

If he were “changing,” he’d be calling you and taking you out on actual “dates.” Also, you wouldn’t be putting “quotes” around words like “relationship.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

A quickie from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My new boyfriend says he is on the rebound from a woman he dated for three months (the majority of their relationship took place over the phone). Go figure. She is also 18 years older than he is. Anyway, rebound to me means get over it. I told him to call me when he figured things out. Is there hope or do I really care?

— Nagged in NY

Dear Nagged,

In this case, “rebound” to me means “Let’s sleep together when I feel like it.” Enough said.

Love,
Breakup Girl

No escape on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ready for some….humor? I divorced after five years last December. I went on my first date in 7 years 2 weeks ago – what a total, unmitigated disaster! Now I remember WHY it’s been 7 years, and will be 7 more. (I’d started thinking about this in the context of summer flings more than anything else.)

I got a call from a man I’ve known almost 10 years. We started out dating for a few months all those years ago, and he plain ole out-and-out dumped me. We played on the same softball team, and everyone knew before me. How fun was that? I got over it fairly quickly (hey, what choice do you have when you’re the pitcher & he’s the catcher…), about the same time he decided the cute but empty-headed bimbo (she was, truly) he’d fallen for was just that and wanted to come back. I said no, and we’ve been great friends ever since. We used to talk several time a month, then less and less, but it’s always been amazing that we can pick up exactly where we left off, no matter how long ago. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

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