One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.
I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.
Tearfully,
K.
P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.
I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)
Behold: Sweet Talking Ken. This new fella from Mattel will repeat back anything someone says into his wee little recorder, which is puzzling to me considering that if you can get a guy to say exactly what you want into Ken’s wee little recorder, WHY DO YOU NEED KEN? Oh! Maybe that is why you can play the voice back at three different pitches, ranging from Darth Vader to normal to that adorable pre-pubescent kid who sang Dock of the Bay. So like, in hetero-normative toyland, ifa gal records her voice saying, “You’re the only girl for me,” or “Nancy Pelosi: Best speaker ever!” and then sets playback to low-pitched, it might kinda sorta sound like a guy? Okay. I’m still puzzled, but I guess ULTIMATE BOYFRIENDS (see his shirt) are just a little mysterious like that.
Two new movies starring four very attractive people pose the questions: (1) Can “friends with benefits” arrangements work? and (2) Natalie Portman?! On (1) I’m leaning no, if only on the grounds that I would definitely fall for Justin Timberlake.
But Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon.com gives the matter deeper consideration. But her bottom line is basically this: “When you talk to people who have been there and done that — and even those who are continuing to do that — the response is overwhelmingly negative. As my own former ‘friend with benefits’ put it, ‘I’ve been in so many of these situations and, basically, they work until they don’t.'”
Read the rest (Tracy does a bunch of reporting and covers a lot of thoughtful ground) and let us know what you think: Does FWB ever benefit anyone? Under what particular circumstances? Share away, ’cause don’t worry; we won’t expect anything more from you than a good time. 😉
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:20 am
MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn†columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.
This week Lynn hears from Confused Christina, who suddenly and tragically lost her first true love at age 22 and is still struggling with the loss…
And ever since he died, I have tried rather excruciatingly to date and be happy with someone else. I’ve gone on dates over the past three years with at least 30 guys and none of them have ever had the spark or made that connection that I had with my deceased first boyfriend.
Is Christina truly ready to be back out there? Has she just not met the right guy? Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here to offer your own insight in the comments below.
My boyfriend of six intense months blew up at me the other night and called me every derogatory name in the book. While it wasn’t intended as a breakup, I knew that being spoken to in that way was the end, so when he finished his tirade I said only, “Perhaps you should take me home.” We both remained silent for the twenty minutes of the ride to my house. It seemed to be an unspoken breakup, and in fact I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that in light of his juvenile hysterics, I was taking the high road by simply leaving him in silence, never to speak to him again, but now I have an overwhelming urge to tell him what I really think of him. And on a side note, I’ve discovered I left my watch at his place — I’m leaning toward writing it off, but my friends think I should get it back. Please advise: am I allowed to mail him a hate letter, or does that falsely indicate that I care?
World of Warcraft is definitely not for someone facing the end of three decades of marriage. Yet I am all of these things as well as a Darkspear Troll mage, with my home in the Barren Lands, a savanna populated with livid pink T-Rexes who wear blue necklaces and matching earrings. I am Level 21 (out of 70), just high enough to get out of the newbie playpen and die suddenly as I stray past cave bears or mega-spiders. /snip/
In many ways, “WoW” was weirdly evocative of what I faced in life. I was newly alone and, like my avatar, dependent on the skills I had, not the ones I wished for. At each turn, I seemed to be facing new dangers. Often, I died. But I rose again and again, finding within myself a bedrock strength that even this calamity did not erase.
My son and I learned “WoW” together. While he commandeered the keyboard, I sat beside him, to help him choose a path…My son has a generous, intuitive spirit. Though I’ve done my best to seem normal, like a weather vane he reads my moods. For weeks, I walked like the Undead through the routines of family life. I felt as gaping as the creatures in Undercity, a “WoW” metropolis, with their chests ripped open to expose neon-colored hearts….Then my son would invite me to play, his voice shiny with intentional cheer. I would find myself with his arm curled around my neck like the tenderest, toughest vine. His fear of what was happening to us moored me to earth. The end of love is a voyage to an unknown land, with mysteries and dangers that I had to learn to navigate…
So here are my “WoW” lessons, thanks to my son:…
Nope, sorry! Click here to behold Robin Kirk’s amazing essay in its full, gory, glory.
The endless obsession with how women are going to die alone because they have brains and casual sex [and “post-feminist” “freedom” –BG] has truly become the gift that keeps on giving. Mix one part college student sample, a few scattered inconsistent findings based on loosely correlated “evidence,†sweeping generalizations reinforcing female anxiety around mating and some slut-shaming for good measure and voila, you have yourself “relationship advice†from a “doctor.†The CNN health blog writes about a new book, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying, by none other than “get married early†Mark Regenerus and sociologist Jeremy Ueker.
CNN concludes from a precursory look at the book men have the upper hand in the sexual economy. This is not because women are judged based on their promiscuity or lack thereof in a way that men rarely are or because men face pressure to have casual sex like a stud and deny their romantic feelings for relationships. Or because when you are a woman between 18-23 male attention and the desire to “be in a relaysh†has more impact on your self esteem then say when you are a 30-somethinger like me. Or maybe because by 23, you still don’t know what you want out of a relationship. No, no, men have the upper hand in sex and dating because women have too much freedom, sex and education. [See CNN file photo w/article, left, of young woman relishing her freedom.]
[CNN:] Researchers found that since women in the 18- to 23-year-old group feel they don’t need men for financial dependence, many of them feel they can play around with multiple partners without consequence, and that the early 20s isn’t the time to have a serious relationship. But eventually, they do come to want a real, lasting relationship. The problem is that there will still be women who will have sex readily without commitment, and since men know this, fewer of them are willing to go steady. [Go steady? – BG]
“Women have plenty of freedom, but freedom does not translate easily into getting what you want,†Regnerus said. [“So maybe you don’t need it so much. At least not if you want a man.” — BG]
Though it’s not based entirely on fiction, it’s rife with unexamined assumptions. Bottom line, if women no longer need men then why would they be competing for men? Feh.
Bonus: Good stuff on men being humans! With feelings! here.
Filed under: issues,Psychology — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:58 am
Writing at Salon.com, BG’s alterego talks to many brave women to find out. Of course, they shouldn’t have to be so “brave” in order to speak up, but what they speak about — the persistent stigma of STIs, especially for women, despite their breathtaking near-ubiquity — is exactly what otherwise keeps them quiet. (When one woman named Michele worked up the gumption to disclose to a potential partner, he said: “You seem like a very classy girl — I would never have imagined you having that.” Translation: “You slut.” And he was one of the polite ones.)
But! As it turns out, the vast majority of people interviewed in the story — even the expert doctor — wound up finding (a) community among others online, and/or (b) a happy relationship (with someone “sero-negative,” even). In other words, there is life — sex life, love life, LIFE life — after/with an STI. The morals:
3. Manners, people! You don’t know anything about how or why anyone got anything. Don’t judge. Don’t even snicker. You might even have something yourself and not know it. (See #1.)
e-mail to a friend in need
Predicament of the Week from May 25, 1998…
is definitely not for someone facing the end of three decades of marriage. Yet I am all of these things as well as a Darkspear Troll mage, with my home in the Barren Lands, a savanna populated with livid pink T-Rexes who wear blue necklaces and matching earrings. I am Level 21 (out of 70), just high enough to get out of the newbie playpen and die suddenly as I stray past cave bears or mega-spiders. /snip/
, by none other than “get married early†Mark Regenerus and sociologist Jeremy Ueker.
