Back soon.

Well, sort of. Early patrol-planning meeting for this. Back soon!

You know, World Cup. See you in a few days!

We discussed relationship hacks; now how about social-life kludges?

Here is the (literally) coolest one we’ve seen in a while.

Okay. While we were all watching Apollo Ohno and rooting for the Canucks (depending), strange things have been going on in England. Maybe you’re heard of soccer, which those crazy kids call “football?” And the World Cup, which happens this summer in South Africa? Very big deal. VERY big deal. And the English team looks like it’s destined to punk out because of a post-breakup fol-de-rol that seems like something that’d happen only in a BG comic.

Try to keep up, now: Wayne Bridge is a member of the English national football team. A couple years ago, the serial modelist hooked up with a French model named Vanessa Perroncel. They had a kid. Then they broke up.

Repeat: THEY BROKE UP.

After the breakup (repeat: AFTER THE BREAKUP), Vanessa apparently availed herself of some revenge sex with Bridge’s best mate, John Terry.

Bee eff dee, right? Professional athletes having sex with various pretty ladies. I mean, we’ve all seen Footballers’ Wives, right? (P.S. It is awesome. — BG) Except no. First, Bridge threw a wobbly. Then, Terry was stripped of his role as captain of the English national team. There were various overwrought events in between — a handshake refused, yadda yadda. Then, this week, Bridge resigned from the team completely.

I hate to keep repeating myself, but: He resigned. From a World Cup team. Because his friend had sex with his ex-girlfriend.

There’s more sordidness to be had if you like that sort of thing: a reported pregnancy, a cuckolded Mrs. Terry packing up her kids and her mom and running off to Dubai, a furious Perroncel demanding an apology for being dragged into the whole mess. Saddest mostest, some say Bridge’s star is fading and this was probably his last shot at World Cup glory.

We know not what to say about this. They were broken up. It’s the World Cup. And they’re professional athletes. Not to perpetuate a stereotype, but COME ON. Groupie tush is not in short supply, and this isn’t Helen of Troy. When will this nasty love triangle stop making England cry?

…here are some other love smarty-pantses who Tweet, courtesy of YourTango. (Follow BG here.)

According to former FBI agent and flashy author Joe Navarro –“the nonverbal expert”– two major body-language indicators can hint at whether your mate is “still into you” (Navarro’s words, not mine — can we please retire this expression? Also, “cougar”? Thanks) or whether your relationship is headed south.

As Navarro explains in a recent article in Psychology Today, the first clue that a true connection exists between you and a loved one lies in the hands — when your snookums places a full, flat palm on your body (“palmer touching,” which kind of lacks frisson), this is a sign of real bonding and trust. The longer they leave it there, the warmer the relationship.

If, on the other, uh, hand, your partner tends only to touch briefly or with the fingertips (“distal touching”), the passion may be fading.

Now I’m smacking myself on the forehead. (“Duh touching.”)

The other nonverbal clue is what body-language professionals call “ventral fronting” — when your mate approaches you, does he or she face you head-on with no obstruction to the belly area? This is a subconscious behavior that signifies trust and affection. (Think “happy puppy getting her belly rubbed.”) Couples whose trust and affection are waning tend to face their abdominal regions away from each other (“ventral denial”), or hide behind crossed arms, purses, the Sunday Times, etc. Or Spanx?

Navarro uses obvious examples from pop culture (Jon & Kate, Chuck & Di) to illustrate his point, and concludes by saying:

… when it comes to interpersonal relationships, how we touch and how we present our ventral side says so much about the health and longevity of our relationship…

No argument there — body language is visceral and immediate and can help us understand what people are thinking and feeling in the moment.

However! A couple of things are bugging me, which you might be able to tell by the way I am currently placing a large cheese sandwich between my belly and the keyboard.

For one thing, articles like this, in seemingly respectable (albeit pop-psych, not scientific) magazines, seem to play right into that women’s-magazine-of-yore myth that the only way to understand your partner is to desperately seek for clues.

If you are reduced to reading body language to determine whether someone really loves you, doesn’t that in itself indicate some basic disconnect? (I’m asking, not telling, so weigh in if you disagree!)

Secondly, while I understand and support the value of observing nonverbal behavior, I also know that individuals behave differently under different circumstances — a distal touch here and a ventral denial there may simply indicate that a person is not feeling present, is distracted or nervous. Or just got their nails done. I don’t think that Navarro does a good enough job explaining that the occasional pair of crossed arms does not a relationship fiasco make.

Web superhero seeks part-time sidekicks to fight crimes of the heart for fun and clips!

Us: Venerable, award-winning website about love, and/or lack thereof, geared for both men and women and combining witty advice with sophisticated superhero comic-strip adventures. Our likes include: snappy dialogue, Rachel Maddow, Evil Willow (as played by Good Willow), hairpin turns of phrase, detectives, print, lime green, Rosalind Russell, X-ray insight, Wonderfalls, clean copy, the heart of the matter, matters of the heart. We’re continuing to build out our relatively new blog component, and we are seeking a few new sidekicks to join our existing super-bloggers for help with additional content: posts, Tweets, maybe more.

You: Ace reporter, crackerjack writer. Able to spot relationship-related news stories and the clever or insightful angle therein. You should have your own distinct voice and take, but should also be willing to roll with us in terms of style and philosophy. We may also want you to help track and moderate blog comments when necessary, and possibly, if you’re up for it, to curate new editorial features. Swinging geeky is good; affinity for superheroes a plus.

Pay: Alas, none. This is a very part-time (part-part-time?) pursuit in which you may engage from the privacy of your own home/cafe/McJob. While we are exacting in terms of quality, we flexible and understanding in terms of time commitment.

Payoff: Honing of your voice and your nose for news. Tons of [short] clips. Some cachet / street cred. The opportunity to become part of a tight, fun team who will give you impressive references. And, possibly, your very own cartoon alter ego.

If you are interested, please e-mail bg@breakupgirl.net with a cover letter, resume, and writing sample(s). Hot tip: Make sure your cover letter shows that you’ve spent time familiarizing yourself with the website. If you don’t happen to have writing samples about BG-related topics, that’s fine; we just need to see good writing and that virtual sparkle in your eye.

Thank you!
Team BG
www.breakupgirl.net

From Broadsheet:

Where would writers be without the people who’ve done them wrong? Without dysfunctional lovers, bad bosses and explosive partings of the ways, we wouldn’t have “You’re So Vain,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “I Married a Communist,” Dr. Evil or “The Starter Wife,” to name but a few of a million examples. Nothing quite takes the sting out of heartache and humiliation like turning your tormentor into a thinly veiled antagonist. So it wasn’t surprising when Scott Neustadter, co-writer of the twee anti-romance hit “(500) Days of Summer,” fessed up this weekend in the U.K.’s Daily Mail that the movie’s titular heartbreaker was based on a real woman. The movie does, after all, start with the warning that “any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch.” Not exactly the sort of thing people say when there are no hard feelings.

/snip/

But Neustadter admits that when the real Summer read his script, she told him she related to the Tom character, making her either acutely unself-aware or supremely adept at pushing his buttons. And if it’s the latter, Neustadter may wish to further consider this. Six years ago Lauren Weisberger turned her stint as an assistant at Vogue into a bestselling roman à clef that became a hit movie, an act of payback right up there with Nora Ephron’s scathing divorce saga “Heartburn.”

This weekend, however, Weisberger’s Devil herself, Anna Wintour, emerged as the sharp, tough-as-nails, and eminently fascinating hero of a critically acclaimed movie of her own, “The September Issue.” It might not be revenge, but it’s got to feel a little like vindication. So while Neustadter may be enjoying the box office fruit of his disastrous love affair, somewhere, Jenny Beckman may be quietly banging away on a screenplay called “Some Like It Scott.”

Via Tango: 21 Twitter pickup lines, including the less than coy “Wanna go back to my house and #?” Just a punny diversion, I guess, given the less-than-intimate design flaw: @ kerfuffle notwithstanding, um, everyone can, of course, see your direct messages. Yo, geeks: is there a future for some sort of workaround app called Flirtr?