Dear Breakup Girl,

Your column is great!! I’ve read and learned so much from your advice given to others, and now I need your help. Here’s the scoop: I’m 26, and 4 years ago I met a special guy who was my first. We dated for 3 years, moved in, and after 10 months I broke up with him. I realized that after living together, he was not the man to spend the rest of my life with…a lot of it was the little things, but there were some other issues as well. We moved out (apart) last Sept. I dated a few people after that, but nothing serious. Come march, my ex sent me an email (it was approaching our anniversary).

We ended up meeting, and well, I’m sure you know the rest. Also at that time I was feeling very lonely and was ecstatic to be with him again (although still unsure about the future thing). We started going out again. As exes, he had changed, for the better. After a while though, it just got too comfortable. He was settling in nicely into my 1 bedroom apartment. It was all too familiar. A couple weeks ago though, I met someone, we hit it off. After one night, we fooled around and I ended up spending the night. So, I was unfaithful to my ex, who had become not-so-much my ex anymore. I told him, of course, and now I feel like crap. He was extremely angry with me, called me every name under the sun, and also sent his friend an email with horrible things written about me, and copied me on it. (This is not like him at all!) Yes, I am sorry, he was a great guy…he loved me so much. Now I’ve thrown it away. The question is, I don’t know why! Was I afraid of commitment, or did I just need to have fun? I don’t know, but I wish I hadn’t now. I’ve wrecked my ex’s life twice, why? This new guy doesn’t even mean anything to me!!! What do you think is wrong with me??

— Sorry

Dear Sorry,

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re allowed (vs. recommended) one rebound; you’re allowed (vs. recommended) one relapse. It’s just in your case, these two incidents happened to, um, overlap. Tell your ex you’re truly sorry (let’s hope he apologizes for the little e-mail incident), and give yourself some serious space. Also, a break.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just recently discovered your column…and I love it! However, I have an issue that I need to get a second opinion on. I have this boyfriend that I’ve been seeing for only a couple of months now. But we’ve known each other for 4 years and had crushes on each other all that time. Well everything’s good I suppose but there’s some things I have a problem with. OK, he’s the same age as me (21) but he has a 14 month old child. He rarely gets to see it but he does pay child support. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much…perhaps because he was a virgin until this girl came along and “seduced” him. He claims she “tricked” him and told him that she couldn’t get pregnant and that she was on the pill. And you know how dumb and gullible some men can be. Well he believed it and they slept together for the next three or four months. He even had the nerve to tell me how many times a day they had sex!! Well, needless to say she got pregnant and he realized what a huge mistake he had made. Now this whole situation really disturbs me sometimes. I don’t know if I just feel threatened by her…I mean I know he doesn’t want her back. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. It’s just that he has all this excess baggage that I have to deal with.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have recently found out that I WAS (is the key word) dating a recently married man for 4 months. I can’t help but entertain the thought of somehow letting the cat out of the bag and exposing this jerk. I noticed that this subject was just addressed on another site), and was wondering what your take would be on the following advise that was guaranteed to shrink the libido of the married ex? It stated that one should call the guy at work and tell him that you’ve written a 3 page tell-all letter to his lovely wife and then invite him to convince you not to send it. After he’s sputtered, pleaded and wet himself, sigh and say,”That was moving, but I have to get to the post office. Take care.” Then, sit back and know that this guy’s every move would be fraught with panic. He would end up crying,”Why me?” instead of the one who was lied to. I always value your advice and am interested in what you think.

–GingerAil

Dear Ginger,

Here’s what I think: don’t even think about it. No, scratch that. Do think about it. Just don’t do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am totally confused by my ex-boyfriend. I dated this guy for only a couple months, but fell head over heels for him almost immediately! He and I had everything in common, or so it seemed.

One of the greatest things about him was that every day when he got home from work, the first thing he would do was call me. I could practically set my watch- half an hour after he was scheduled to finish,he’d call me. It didn’t matter if it was 5pm or 11pm (he worked anywhere from 40-80 hours a week between two jobs).

He was also very affectionate, telling me how much he cared about me, etc. The only problem was, he would occasionally say things like “Some day I’ll meet a really great girl and get married.” Now, I’m a college student, and a realist, and I know that guys aren’t looking to marry someone they date at age 20. Even so, it bothered me to here him say that. It made me feel like I was just an amusement before the feature presentation or something.

Well, I went away on vacation for a week, and spoke with him on the phone a couple times while I was gone. The night that I got back we spent the whole evening snuggling and watching South Park episodes. Then, the next day, we went to his cabin and while we were sitting around, he made another one of his “Someday…” comments. I was so frustrated that I said “I don’t even know why I bother with this. I should just go meet someone else.” Well, I immediately regretted it and apologized, but he started in on this whole “As long as we know this relationship isn’t going anywhere, its fine for both of us right?” I said that under normal circumstances it might work out, but I told him that I hated knowing that as soon as he met someone even slightly more interesting than me he’d toss me out like yesterday’s underwear.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Short and sweet (bitter): He broke up with me six months ago. I essentially supported him for half the relationship (which, granted, was only four months long– a personal record– and which I did very enthusiastically.) He is a writer and was extremely depressed about his lack of success. He had written a great novel which I encouraged him to keep hustling. I spoke to him recently. He sold the manuscript. To a huge major publisher. I am not aschadenfreude kind of girl. I was genuinely happy for him. However, now it seems I cannot stop crying. I mean, I’ve been pretty upset in general, hard getting over him etc., but now I’m a bit of a basket case. Also, he was going to take me on this great vacation when he finally got some money….

A friend of mine broke up with someone who then won the Pulitzer prize. But she broke up with him.

Look, I know I’m not personally fulfilled (I’m a writer too blah blah blah and not actualizing a lot of opportunities blah blah, my shrink’s away…) and that’s why I feel empty and crazy as a result of this news, however I just want to know that he is aware of the fact that it would be a nice gesture if he say, said thanks, or offered to buy me a drink (I wouldn’t go, I mean I know that wouldn’t be healthyblahblah…) but I think maybe it hasn’t occurred to him and this is what makes me very very unhappy. Very. I feel sick. And I fantasize about floating gay rumors that will forever haunt him. Not in a bad way… Help?

— Basket Case

BG’s wisdom after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a long time. We have an exclusive relationship and have been in love since even before we started going out. We’ve always talked about getting married and we’re beginning to plan in more detail.

Now I always envisioned getting married in this huge church with all my family and all of his family there under the eyes of God and a priest and about 29 bridesmaids and the whole lot. I don’t want to be married in some banquet hall somewhere or some ugly little non denominational chapel by a Justice of Peace (or whatever the hell the alternative is.) I’m Catholic, practicing (even though my parents don’t) since high school, I do community service and the whole nine yards. I believe strongly in God and I even believe that one of my prayers is what brought me and Bill together in the first place. Most of my prayers have been answered….and I’m a happy camper. I don’t go to church EVERY week, or even as often as I used to and don’t get me wrong–I’m no religious fanatic. I just think it’d be nice to be married in a Church. (considering that I never went that often I guess I appreciate it more.)

Which comes to Bill. I always knew he wasn’t practicing ANYTHING even when I met him in high school. That never bothered me one bit (since a lot of really devout religious people in my school were driving me insane at the time…..repent your sins or else you’ll be sent to hell! God doesn’t care if you’re young he doesn’t make exceptions! You have to go to Church twice a day every day or else you’ll be shining Satan’s shoes!) (That’s not really that much of an exaggeration!) Anyway, we fell in love and everything has been wonderful ever since…but I mentioned I wanted to get married in Church, he thinks it’s impossible, and I think he’s right. And it’s breaking my heart.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from a Really Late Bloomer, who is only starting to date now at the age of 55 …

I also have never had a girlfriend and have been on only one date in my life. Part of the reason why is because from my teens up to almost age 30, I was very shy around women. As you can imagine, when I thought of asking a girl on a date, I froze with fear. I did overcome my shyness, but by then, I had settled into a lifestyle that I was very comfortable with.

Should he finish filling out his online dating profile, or is it just too late to him? Read the full letter at Happen Magazine, along with Lynn’s wise advice, then come back here and tell us what you think below!

Dear Breakup Girl,

In an little less than six months, I will be thirty. I have an exciting career, many hobbies, friends and lots of other really cool, ultimate total stuff. I am happier with my life and my self than I ever have been in my entire life. (You can hum “I am Woman” for this letter if you want!! )

(I hope Breakup Mom is proud.)

I do not have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. My problem, BG?: I really couldn’t care less. No really, I mean it.

Assorted members of my family are doing that “Your’e getting up there…” routine. Friends are trying to push me out the door with their brothers, the mailman and (I think) the local Blockbuster manager. They are saying man-trap things like “Your standards are too high” — You don’t want to be alone, do you?” — and my personal favorite: “Aren’t you concerned with starting a family?” I’ve also got a couple of friends who are totally freaking out and would marry just about anyone — they make me really really want to yack.

I am planning a solo trip to the City of Lights (Paris) for my birthday & have lots of things to look forward to. In my professional life, I am far too busy to really deal with a boyfriend for now (or the god-awful hunt for one). I’d rather go antiquing, take a yoga class, get a massage or read another travel book in my personal search for the ultimate baguette. My attitude is: if I find him while doing something I like to do — then I have a better chance of meeting someone with common interests than I do of meeting someone at a Saturday night singles dance thing, complete with the Electric Slide and Jello shots.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is kinda (well actually is) rather lengthy and complicated, but here goes. Currently I’m a SWM 20, sophomore in college. At the beginning of the summer semester two new girls, twins, although not identical, moved into the dorms. We met one Sunday morning at church and I was informed that they were going to the same college as me and we ought to get to know each other. All fine and well. Now the fun begins. As the only available college boy in the church at the time it was assumed immediately and automatically that one of the twins and I were going to end up hooking up. Rumors flew about who liked who and the like and it all became a lovely little mess. Extremely short: I liked one and the other liked me. I now know.

So one night, a friend and I stop by the dorms to see them the twin I liked (further referred to as t1) and we had a deep conversation about her life and mine and past relationships and that genre of discussion. It was a bit emotional, at least from my standpoint. So we made arrangements for the four of us to go out the next evening to show them around town, so to speak. However, t2 had already laid claim to me (according to the sisterly and womanly laws governing men, I later found out) so t1 agreed to backoff. T2 used this time get to know me and one night voiced her affections for me audibly. –and physically. (Hold on now, not like that, she kissed me. Okay, a lot, but …). She requested that I at least give the relationship a try, and being the want-to-be-a-nice-guy type that I am, I agreed.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 15 and I have been best friends with Kristin since the sixth grade. Last year she moved to the next town, where I have met all her new friends and become very acquainted with them. One boy in particular really catches my eye, Sherman. He had a relationship with a girl named Jessica who also lives in the neighborhood but nothing went on beyond peck kissing. So they broke up cuz Sherman wasn’t “gettin any” and then they suddenly became so intense and began being really touchy-feely. Jessica, being a snot-nosed little tease, tells everyone she wants to sleep with Sherman but won’t even kiss him so she won’t appear to be a slut.

Anyways, so one week I went to Kristin’s house and Sherman and I kept stealing those little “looks” at each other. One lucky evening I was fortunate enough to grab a moment outside on the front porch with Sherman. I told him I thought Jessica was a tease and that he should drop her, to which he replied that he was planning on it. He asked me if I had a boyfriend back home to which I replied no and then we got into this big long convo about what we’re looking for in the opposite sex. SOOO… I was sure something was going to happen out there on the porch but JESSICA opened the door and asked Sherman to come in and watch a movie with her.

The few nights after were the same as the first few, staring, twirling hair, brushing elbows… blah blah blah… then I went home.

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