Commuting sentences on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this girl that rides my bus, but I’m kinda shy and can’t get the nerve to approach her… (pretty common problem, I guess). Anyways, It’s really hard becuz she is the shy type too and quiet… So I keep trying to think of some way to start a conversation with her without

1. coming off as a jerk (i.e. what I say sounds like a line) or

2. just plain freaking her out.

We don’t have any classes together, which makes it HARD to talk to her as I’ve said. Also, she lives in my neighborhood but I’ve never noticed her before and don’t know where she lives. Got any ideas? I would appreciate your help extremely.

— Chris

Dear Chris,

Yep, totally common problem. You may be shy, but you also may be … human. We can work with that. How about, “Hey, it seems like you live in my neighborhood, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around until now. Did you move here recently?” That’s a pretty freak-free opening. Can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be flattered.

And hey, flygirls: If Bus Boy hasn’t talked to you, don’t assume that he doesn’t want to. He could be writing to BG about you right now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Reuniting on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me oBG-Kenobi, you’re my only hope! Okay, a year ago I moved to New York City from California to begin graduate school. I left behind a guy there with who I had a very drawn out, sticky, co-dependent relationship for about 5 years. Here’s the background–we started dating senior year of high school. While we had similar interests, what kept us together was this unhealthy nurse-patient relationship with a constant cycle of fighting and breaking up to keep things interesting. He has a disease that’s making him slowly go blind–it’s sort of like a progressive tunnel-vision. And that was diagnosed when he was 13 (sometime around when he had just seen Top Gun and decided that he wanted to be an Air Force pilot) and then he was declared legally blind when he was 16, right after he’d signed up to get his driver’s permit. So far he hasn’t learned to cope–no disability training and his old room is filled with model fighter planes. Spooky.

But with sheer will and determination he’s pursued interests in athletics and music which you would have never thought possible. The down side is that he always plays himself as a victim and constantly alienates his friends with his “everyone is out to get me” attitude. I’m sure if he would ever consent to seeing a psychologist, a lot of this behavior wouldn’t come as a surprise. So my role in this relationship is that I’m the only one who really understands him and he was incredibly emotionally dependent on me. For me it was a “I needed to be needed” thing. The problem was that he has no ability to handle conflict–arguments escalated quickly, he could be so easily provoked it was laughable, but what wasn’t so funny was how quick he was to say cruel and terrible things to me when he was angry. My way of handling it was to be a peacemaker or avoid conflict entirely–for a long time I had no spine to fight back, and anyway, it was easy to anticipate what would anger him (ie everything). As a result, there were a lot of things I never told him because I knew how he’d react (like that he wasn’t the first person I slept with even though he thinks we were eachother’s first–could it get any worse??). So for 5 years we were on again, off again, each time I would forgive and hope/think that maybe he’d changed. Yes I had low self esteem in my relationships. We were together when I decided to go to New York for graduate school and he was considering coming out here after he finished an extra year of college. But by the time I was ready to leave I had a few epiphanies and realized that enough was enough and now was the time to start over. I told him that I was going to New York and I am on my own now. And that was *supposed* to be goodbye for good. It has been one year and I had not heard from him. The time and distance has allowed me to heal and understand the mistakes both he and I made. But now out of the blue I receive an e-mail from him–HE’S MOVED HERE!!!

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Wanting more on October 12 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi!!! I am 18 and during my life, I have been through a lot of guys. At first, I liked the one nighter deal thing and my friends couldn’t belive that I was letting all the guys treat me like a sex object. Anyway, I got labelled ‘slut’ because the popular guys were interested in me and the popular girls got jealous. The friends who stuck by me during this time, I later found out that they were using me to get closer to the guys they liked and called me a slut behind my back. (This was when I was 14 – 15.) When I turned 16, I fell in love, but he “played” me so I took a year to get over it and it killed me. Then after that, my relationships have been short (all my life they have been short i.e. 2 hours, 2 weeks, 3 months) hehe ooops.

I so want a LONG LOVING CARING RELATIONSHIP, I’m sick of getting used as a freakin sex toy, I want a man to actually like me for who I am, not for my appearance, but where the hell do you find one of those!! *L* I’m very affectionate, emotional and caring and I get hurt easy, it’s hard to find a man like that though. Like, I’m finding it real hard to trust men now. What should I do, do you think?

— Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I can’t tell you — or anyone — specifically “how” to trust people, but I can tell you this: don’t sleep with them until you do. If, boys and girls, a “long loving caring relationship” is what you’re looking for. YES, some long loving caring relationships definitely do start out as Take Me, NOW! Fine. But so far, Lisa, that hasn’t been your pattern. And I’m not saying you should play some sort of grody “good girl” withholding game. But if you want things to last differently, then have them begin differently. Then it’ll be way less easy for you to say, “Here we go [out for two hours] again.” And you and your beaux will both get the message: “Whoa, in order for this to work, we’ve got to be serious about actually getting to know and trust each other.” The boys will sort themselves out, and so will you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Could you please give me advice on permanently removing a leech from my bruised skin?

I’m a 33 year-old, good looking, stable, professional, financially-secure, in-shape, blah, blah, blah, GWM. But I’m totally inexperienced in relationships. Last December I got together for coffee with a guy from the personals without a detailed telephone screening in advance (never do that — if he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone and says “let’s just meet,” run away!). He turned out to be really cute and masculine-looking, but with no job and living with a friend. So I knew that a relationship was out, but it was Friday night and I had no plans so I took him home. The sex was great. He was fun to be with. A week later he had a job so I decided to date him figuring he’d quickly find a place to live and all would be OK.

But then, I introduced him to an experienced friend who the next day told me “This guy’s stupid, shallow, a user and a manipulator. You are fated to get totally involved with him and destroy your life. Mark my words and don’t come looking for help later.”

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Meeting the parents on October 5,1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s one I haven’t yet run across in your advice column…say you have a great relationship in every way, but as it evolves you find out the Jew/Gentile thing prohibits a future (read: marriage/living together). So why is he letting you both get in deeper when he knows he can’t take you home to meet his mother because you’re not ‘ethnic’ enough??? But you’re both so far into adulthood that how to raise any children isn’t even an issue and you both know that nothing this good has ever come along for either of you? Should the taboo against marrying a Gentile outweigh a chance for a dynamite love and friendship? I’ve pondered this for several years, still no peace of mind on this one. Thanks.

–Too WASP But Willing to Change

Dear WASP,

For this question about meeting the mother, how about we meet with Breakup Mom?

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Getting a second opinion on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It started about four months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I thought would be the ONE. I wasn’t really looking at the time for anyone serious. Things started out fast and furious. Spent all of our time together and never fought. Two months into the relationship I mysteriously contract the Herpes virus. He tells me he doesn’t have it and also that it won’t interfere with the relationship. Soon after he starts to become distant. I really don’t think anything of it, thinking he just has some added stress. We continue on a healthy path for another month. Then 4 days ago he breaks up with me because (1) he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He just wants to be “alone”. He had been alone for 2 years before meeting me. And (2) he isn’t sure that he can handle the Herpes thing anymore. I know that I am better off without someone who can’t deal with the virus, but don’t you think he owes me an explanation about why he suddenly changed his mind. I also would really like to know if he lied to me all along about whether or not he had the virus. I think he owes me that.

— Suzi

Dear Suzi,

Yep, he kinda does owe you. More data about the virus, not about the breakup. It’s an important health issue, simple as that. Ask him point-blank. But nicely, non-accusingly. What does he have to lose? You’re already broken up. He may not offer much, but you’re totally allowed — encouraged — to ask. Also, I recommend you find a support or social group for like-virused people. You’d thought of that already, right? Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from a gal who asks, How do I stop caring? She was hurt by a guy who hasn’t spoken to her since they did the deed:

The date before was wonderful, the sexual chemistry was great. I understand that one night does not mean any sort of relationship whatsoever. What I do not understand is his apparently not wanting to even speak to me afterwards.

What’s going on with this guy? How can she deal? Read the full letter at Happen along with Lynn’s response, then give us your own thoughts below!

Tied in knots on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help with a delicate situation. I can’t speak to any of my friends about it, so I turn to you hoping for guidance.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. We are both professionals, I’m 32, he’s 28. We fell in love pretty quickly, but it feels right. I have been in three long-term relationships before, he in two.

Here is the problem: I discovered something by accident on his computer one night — addresses to some racy Internet sites about bondage, etc. Now normally, I wouldn’t worry. Just guy stuff, right? Well, the issue is that about 4 out of 5 times when we have sex, he doesn’t come. I do, but he doesn’t.

We talked about it and he said he is happy with our sex life. I didn’t ask him about the Internet sites. The stuff he is into seems like it doesn’t hurt anyone. He is into submission, I think. I went to one of the sites and found a matchmaker section with an ad he placed. I don’t think he had done anything with anyone since we have been together. We are together 24/7.

What should I do?

1. Let him know that I know…and explore this with him.

2. Blow it off and hope the sex gets better on its own.

Please help.

— Lisa Ann

Dear Lisa Ann,

First of all, brava! You’re so nice and non-judgmental about something that often wigs the heck out of people; this is promising, ’cause chances are your boyfriend isn’t going to bring this up.

Now we’re gonna go talk to our official expert, Mistress Belleruth, okay? She says, basically, that Option 2 is out. “She definitely shouldn’t ignore it, ’cause their sex life will only get worse… and worse… and he could end up depressed or outta there or cheating. Besides, now they both have secrets, and they’ll just loom larger and larger. But before you bring it up, you should try to get clear in your own mind how you’d feel about pleasing him on his own terms — if in fact, he would like you to tie him up, say, or administer the occasional spanking… how would you feel about that?? If you don’t mind, great. But if you’re really freaked, you’ll need to be clear on that to him. And then it’s a dilemma that you can at least share and puzzle over together, out in the open.”

And we can infer from your tone that you’ll bring this up sensitively and non-blamingly, right? ‘Cause otherwise, well, that’s not the kind of punishment he’s into.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Hungry for answers on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have liked this guy (let’s just call him B) for about 6 months now (hey, that’s a long time when you’re 14!). He is always very sweet to me, and even though some others claim he’s a jerk, I don’t believe it. But that’s beside the point. Homecoming is coming up in a month. That seems like a very long way off, but everyone in my school is completely panicking about it, especially us freshmen. Let me digress for a moment and explain: B is in the popular crowd. I am in the semi-popular crowd. I’m one of those friendly people that’s not “bad” enough to be in the popular crowd but is still friends with them. I’m friends with the popular girls, and I try to be friends with the guys, but they don’t seem to be interested in me as anything more than a friend, if that. Anyway, yesterday B sat at my lunch table across from me. We got onto the topic about homecoming. He was complaining that everyone had been asked already. I told him that I haven’t. He said, well, everyone that he was thinking of asking had been asked (I don’t think he meant it in a mean way). He asked me who I would like to go with, and I wouldn’t tell him because I hadn’t even told my friends. He assured me that HE was my friend. The rest of the conversation isn’t that important, but I’d like to let you know that we talked the ENTIRE LUNCH PERIOD (I was so excited.). Do you think he meant this as a “I am interested in going with you to homecoming” conversation, or a “I’m really nosy so I’m trying to pump you for information” conversation? I’d like to know so I don’t let the word out that I’d like to go with him to homecoming and make a complete fool out of myself if he doesn’t like me. I’d also like to know, if this WAS actually a “interested in homecoming” conversation, how do I get him to ASK me? Or ask him? Please help, for I need some information fast!!!

— Homecoming Hell

Dear Homecoming,

I’d like to let you know that I spent your ENTIRE LETTER thinking you should go ahead and ask him.

Let me know what happens! He says yes, you write me back. He says no, you write me back. We’ll deal, girlie, no matter what happens. Fingers crossed! Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Opening a dialog on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I have both been previously married. My problem is the marriage just isn’t what I thought it would be. His family has never accepted me or my 2 girls & he let’s his ex wife push us around with regards to his 2 children (we have shared custody). This has been going on for 6 years and I don’t see any end in sight. I guess I should also mention that my girls’ biological father rarely sees them, so it would be great if their step-father (husband #2) would actually make an effort to be a father figure with them, but he doesn’t. He is very quiet & brooding. He barely speaks to them, & my youngest (8 years) really needs a daddy. So you see after 6 yrs together you’d think we’d have all of this looked after, but he is the type of guy that just sweeps everything under the carpet in hopes it will all go away. Well it hasn’t & now I think I need to get out. I love him, but I believe that love isn’t enough anymore.

I need help, I have tried to talk to him about splitting up, but he just begs me to give it another shot.

Can you help me????

— Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hey, anyone remember that Monty Python sketch that takes place (I think) on a quiz show …

HOST: Name a country where they don’t play tennis at all well.
CONTESTANT: Australia?
HOST: No, try again.
CONTESTANT: Australia?

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