The days of our lives, including October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This past year my life could have been a soap opera of the popular kind. It has included all of the standard characters; the bitch (me), the poor, explioted b/f (my ex), the hunky-but-mean crush (my HUGE mistake). Well, that’s the characters, now to the plot.

Me and my bf (let’s call him John) had been together for 1.5 years with everything that includes; almost breaking up, getting back together, going on vacation together, visiting his family who lives more than 1000 km from here, you know, all the pair-things. But then one day in all my stupidity and ignorance, I cheated on my bf. To my defence I will only say that this other hunky-but-showed-out-to-be-unbelievably-selfish guy is one who I had had a crush on a while before my bf and I got together, and my feelings for this guy weren’t totally non-existing (but mind you, I was NOT in love with him, it was just a stupid mistake; actually the biggest mistake of my life so far…). I would also like to stress that it was a no-sex thing, just kissing-and-clothes-on. I am not trying to excuse what I did, I am not proud of it. But as John is quite conservative on this, the whole thing ended with us breaking up, and me being THE BITCH.

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Pushing things on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

There’s this guy I dated — saw him on a Monday — it goes well and I really like him so we date again the following day, he asks me to call him so we gab on the phone Wednesday and Thursday for like forever, we see each other again on a Friday and he gets to spend the night at my house. During this time I am beginning to go crazy over him. Then suddenly on Saturday morning, he decides to go, telling me “I’ll call you.” The call doesn’t come — on Saturday nor on Sunday. I decide to call Sunday and invite him to dinner and 30 minutes prior to the appointed time that Sunday evening he cancels, saying he has to take his mom to some sick friend’s house — and again there’s the “I’ll call you” at the end. I give him a call on Monday, talk a bit, no mention made about the dinner I COOKED and at the end, he says it again — “I’ll call you.” What do you think this “I’ll call you” thing means? Is that doublespeak for “go away, get out of my face, I don’t want to see you again?” Help, because I’m finding myself falling for this guy (I dare NOT call it love; I think it’s infatuation, but when I get this … I get hit BADLY). More power to ya.

— JT

Dear JT,

At the risk of legalistic hair-splitting: he said he’d call, but he didn’t say when. And you didn’t give him a chance.He leaves Saturday, and what, you expect him to call from his car phone while he’s still in the driveway? Come on. This whole affair has gone way faster than the speed of sound — the sound of a ringing phone, that is. You may have met-him-on-a-Monday-and-your-heart-stood-still, but y’all moved forward pretty quickly — contact every day, then da doo ron ron on Friday? Yee! Now look, Breakup Girl does hear about all sorts of relationships that start out like, “He came by to tune my piano … and he never left.” Fine. But those miracles tend to be mutual. You, on the other hand — you said it yourself — get infatuated.

And listen up: as intoxicating as infatuation may be, you know what else is really fun? The divine agony of … waiting. Of letting things build up. Of wanting wanting wanting what you can’t have … until next week. Of finally hearing the ringing phone sing, “Someone’s thinking of you!” I am not suggesting that you should play coy/hard-to-get as, like, a tactic. I’m suggesting that taking it slower is more delicious and satisfying for you, that it’s a way of letting yourself fall good and hard … for someone who’s gonna be there to catch you. Even when he’s got a bottle of wine and a baguette — to go with your yummy dinner — in his other hand.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not quite broken up on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help me! I am 22 years old and my boyfriend, 23, recently broke up with me. We have a long story which is complicated to get into, but we have gone out for about 2 1/2 years. We broke up about 2 months ago, but it didn’t seem to be completely ended then. We saw each other every weekend and still do. When we are together he acts like we are going out again. We sleep together and even make love. He has even asked me to go back out again but I try and be strong because I am not sure if it is what he really wants. I truly want him to be happy, but I want him back also. When he first broke up with me I was heartbroken and I let him know this… I made him tell me why and I told him I didn’t want to break up. He told me at that time that he wasn’t sure I was the one and that he needed time to sort out his life. We are both each others first loves and I feel as if I pressured him too much and asked for affection constantly. I have to admit that throughout our relationship I may have pushed him a lot because I was afraid of losing him. It seems like when he first broke up with me I pestered him because I wanted him back, so he backed off. He did not call or anything. Eventually I tried to let him go and I have not called him in over two weeks. Now he calls me every day and even gave me a gift. We spend the weekends together sometimes and act as if we are going out. If I dare bring up that fact he asks me why I have to define everything. He told me recently that he needed to break up with me because he feels as if we have done everything together and that the only thing left is marriage, which, in his current situation, he is not ready for. By current situation I mean we are both recently out of college and starting new jobs. He has many debts such as school loans and etc. to pay off. His thoughts on marriage is that he would like to be stable before he gets married. He even told a friend of ours that if we were both 28 and stable he would marry me in a minute. I want a life with this man. I can wait for him, but it seems like I am doing it the wrong way. Should I let things stay the way they are, remain friends with him, or just let him go completely and have no contact? I guess I want to know if we still have a chance. I feel as if I am losing my Mr. Right. We are great when we are together. We fight a lot but are so good at making up. We are best friends and tell each other everything. He has never hurt me or cheated on me. He loves my family and they love him, and the same goes for his family and me. I am close to desperate to know whether my relationship has a chance.

— Alice

Dear Alice,

Bad news, he’s truly not ready. Good news, he may be someday. From the way you describe it, at least, it sounds like he genuinely loves you and, simultaneously, genuinely can’t deal with making the maximum commitment right now. That’s why as far as hopes go, yours may not be false. Still — very important — I think the way to play this one is not to think about What’s Most Likely to Get Him to Come Around, but rather, What’s Most Likely To Not Make Me Insane. You don’t have to cut off all contact, but neither should you just play house. That way, both of your heads will be clearer in the short run. Which bodes well for the long run.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Style advice from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess that I am one of those “unapproachable” girls that you suggest that your readers try not to be. I am an attractive and active university student and I have many friends from different social groups. The problem is that I am old fashioned and WILL NOT ask a guy out (all right, I am shy too). It would be deceiving if I said that no one ever asked me out, but I guess I am looking for something other than what is being offered. I have been told many times that I look unapproachable, though. I wear a lot of black (but my hair is blonde); sometimes I think that changing my look would secure me more dates but then I realize that I shouldn’t have to change myself for anyone. My question is not “what is wrong with me,” but “what can I do (without totally changing myself) to make myself more approachable?”

— Tara

BG’s fashion statements after the jump!

Getting extra-marital on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently got married. I love my husband a lot, but I still feel a need to go out alone, without him, with some of my friends. Well, in particular, with one friend, who happens to be a man (a very gay man). I don’t like to bring my husband along when I go out with my friend, because my friend and I are very close, and having my husband along changes the dynamic a lot (my friend feels kind of uncomfortable around straight men, and the two of them don’t have a whole lot in common). The problem is that I feel that now that I’m married, it’s not really appropriate for me to be socializing without my husband. All this is made a lot more complicated by the fact that I’m very close to my friend–in some ways, I’m closer to him than to my husband. My husband isn’t thrilled about my relationship with my friend, but he tolerates it. The bottom line is that on some level, I feel like I’m cheating on my husband, but obviously, there’s nothing sexual between my friend and me. Am I just making myself feel unnecessarily guilty over this whole thing?

— Just Married

BG’s answer after the jump!

Getting real on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem is with my net friend of one year. I’m a 16 y/o girl and I feel so incredibly confused! My net friend, he lives across the country on the west side and I know that we’ll probably never meet until we’re older, providing that we still keep in touch. He and I are not into that whole net girlfriend and boyfriend thing which is what’s causing my confusion. Over the course of one year, I’ve started to like this boy so intensely that I’m scaring myself. I keep trying to tell myself that he’s not real, he’s just a name, but I can’t get myself to believe it. We don’t have a net romance thing going and I don’t want one. The prospect of us being more than just friends is always lingering over our heads and it makes me feel sad that I can’t be with him. He’s so special to me and I haven’t felt this way about anybody! I don’t know how it feels like to be in love with someone, but if it feels like this, then it’s heaven! It’s like he’s my soul mate!!! Should I tell him about how I feel about him? I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a freak and cut ties. For some reason this is making me feel very embarrassed and none of my real life friends know…nobody knows except me. Could this feeling of intense infatuation be partly because I am so inexperienced with boyfriends? I’ve never had one before. Also, I’m not the most popular kid on the block but I am well liked by my peers. I’m not painfully shy, or extremely introverted. I really want to meet this boy just to know whether he and I are compatible in real life but I get scared sometimes when we have nothing to talk about, that we’ll lose contact and we’ll never get the chance to meet. This person has changed me emotionally, has taught me so much about myself and has been there just like a real life friend has. But he’s not a real life friend!! and that’s what’s killing me inside. Please help me! Thanks a lot.

— Toula

Dear Toula,

You’re right about one thing, wrong about another. You’re right when you suggest that your “lack of experience” with boyfriends may intensify your infatuation. But Toula, you’re wrong when you say — though I know what you mean — that he’s not a real-life friend. If he has, as you say, changed you, taught you, been there for you, well, that’s plenty real enough for me. Enjoy, savor, and treasure what he has to offer, and you’ll be that much more ready for someone in the flesh.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not feeling friendly on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been reading your column and I’m under the impression that you’re a genius. So I now leave it to you to help make some sense of what happened, and how to understand why she resolved things they way she did. This girl Nicki and I did finally get together and went steady (after a years long courtship) during my second semester MBA year. When school was over I took her over to England for a week and took her out to see ‘Beauty and the Best’ and ‘The Phantom of the Opera.’ We had our own apartment to stay in for that whole week…and during that week she got to see all the sites, traveled to all the pubs, and toured everything with me…It was an investment that seemed well worth the money and effort I put into planning it. We had fun, she professed her undying love for me, she called it our little honeymoon before I went off to start work. So what happens? No sooner than when everything is going perfectly and smooth do things turn bitter.

I came back to College to pack up and she tagged along with me…that was nice, all five days we tried to prolong the daparture for as long as possible, but it had to be done…I had to work and start my next phase of life, which was 1000 miles away. As I left we promised each other to make this Long Distance thing work out…Well, not even a month had passed when she decided that she is too young to hold out for this and broke up with me…and hey get this. She still wants us to be friends like we used to be. I agreed like the spineless man that I am, I didn’t want to lose everything with her, you know.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn counsels a gal who is Sad and Confused because her boyfriend of two years wants some time apart…

He said he needed time to get his head straight. But we were still seeing each other about once a week  and talking a few times a week.

Sounds reasonable, but it’s been five months now. Should she keep waiting or put her foot down? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice over at Happen, then come back here and comment below.

Blindsided on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of four years. Things were always pretty damned good and I was happy with us, and she told me she was always happy with us. I mean I knew this girl inside and out, I always knew what she was thinking. I thought, “Hey cool. She’s the one for me. I found her. I’m a lucky one.” A couple of weeks ago we spent some time apart. She went off to the beach with three of her friends. Before she left we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. When she got back, I was oh so excited to see her, but instead I got, “Ummm… we gotta talk.”

Yada yada yada. She broke up with me, and she took it pretty damn well. Didn’t even shed a tear. I was crushed. I vomited for days. Couldn’t eat a thing. Couldn’t sleep. My girl that went down to the beach was a complete 180 from the girl that came back. I still haven’t gotten any closure to the whole thing. Her reasons for the break-up were pretty vague. And this isn’t one of your “let’s separate and in the future who knows.” kind of break-ups. It was a “We will never be together ever again but we can still be good friends” kind of break-up.

I’ve been going through all the stages. The desperate “why oh why” stage. Then the denial stage. Then the anger stage, and so on and so forth. Now I’m just plainly at the “Huh?” stage. I have at least three friends who have had a similar experience and they have friends with the same experiences. To this day they are all still dumbfounded.

My questions are:

1) What is this “phenomonon” where the girl wakes up one day and her mind is completely changed without any warning? You’re a girl. Explain this to me.

2) Just as an aside, FOUR YEARS! I know, I know, “Better four than ten.” But what if I get into another relationship like this and I waste another four-plus years of my life?

— Totally Bewildered

BG’s answers after the jump!

Wanting a do-over on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

— Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl