Wandering eyes on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 20 years old and have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I know in my heart that we’re in love. My problem is that I’m not as attracted to her body. She’s overweight and my looking at other girls is distracting my focus on our relationship. She knows how I feel and I feel guilty because of this. I have a strong urge to experience the girls I’m attracted to, and not just physically. I don’t like flings. I don’t want to break up for such a superficial reason, but it is increasingly frustrating. How should I deal with this? Sometimes I feel too selfish, and other times I feel too selfless. I care about both our needs strongly.

— Drew

Breakup Girl’s response after the jump…

A really long one from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I cannot believe that I am writing to you, but I am. So here goes. This letter will undoubtedly be long for many reasons. I talk/write a lot and there are so many things to explain concerning my present relationship.

Background info: I’m 27, a licensed attorney, have a kitty cat that I adore, and up until 7 months ago enjoyed a relatively stable and good life. In November 1997 Jonathan entered my life. On that first day, he told me that he was involved in a relationship with a woman who was in the hospital as she’d had their child only two days before. He also told me that he had 3 other children, all by different women. One of his children, his six-year-old daughter was with him as we talked. In November, BG, I had just relocated to the city where I attended college and where my best friend (Latisha) lived. We were, quite frankly, painting the town red and every other passionate color known. In short, we were living the life of two, very attractive, financially and emotionally (or so we thought) independent divas.

So, when Jonathan approached me and asked to take me out that night, my conscience was lost in the wind. I agreed. He asked if I had a problem with the fact that he had a live-in girlfriend and a new-born baby. I truthfully answered (knowing that he would be another notch on my belt) said, “Not a problem.” He called me that night. I didn’t feel up to going out. He came over. We talked. We danced. We kissed. We had sex. (I know, I know…the shame, the shame). In fact the only thing I am proud of is that I did use a condom. He stayed the night. After all, Linda (live in GF) was in the hospital. Much, much more after the jump!

Hard to compete on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A girl recently told me that after one week of dating she had to choose God over me. Should I feel bad losing to the big guy?
— Mecci

Dear Mecci,

One week? Wow, this God guy must be pretty special.

Okay, most kidding aside, no, you should not be wrathful. It would be worse to lose to, like, the big guy in your class. As in, someone you — with all due respect — could actually compete with.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting out of bed on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met a guy online who was so sweet and a real friend, or so I thought. He had good reasons for breaking up, but he says he wants to be friends, which is fine with me, but he is avoiding me. I am older than him, and this has really destroyed my ego. I should mention that I have been stuck in the house for 3 years, I have a herniated disc, sciatica, and arthritis in my hips, and I am much too young for this. I am in almost constant pain; my friends have sort of cut me out of their life, because I was bed-bound for so long. The last two weeks were great; but now the pain is coming back even worse.All the guys I meet online (which is ok with my husband, so long as I am faithful) are really nice at first, but after awhile when my back acts up, they get impatiant, which I can understand, as being in so much pain is a drag, for me, and for my friends. My husband is just not the romantic type and I need some happiness in my life (we fight frequently)! Yet I have no wish to hurt or leave him. What do I do, Breakup Girl? I am very depressed, I’m even taking Prozac, and because of the pain I’m in can’t work. There is also another guy online that I have feelings for but he doesn’t treat me very well. And one other that shares a relationship with me that is so special. Can you give me some advice? I do not wish to hurt anyone, but it seems that I am the one being hurt. Help!!! Thank you so much, I hope one day to be well enough in body, mind, and spirit to help others with their problems. I was able to do that at one time, but since this pain began, I cannot even help myself. If there is anything you can do to help me I would be so appreciative, and also on the road to recovery and helping others again as I used to. Light and Love.
— L

But wait, there’s more.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you earlier this morning. I am sorry if my letter wasn’t the most coherent…I only discoverd you today and didn’t even know the format the letter should take. My problems run even deeper than I stated in my earlier letter. (more…)

For richer and poorer on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend is a very talented musician (a real musician — he even plays with the symphony sometimes) but alas, very poor. I, on the other hand, work in computers and am quite successful. He feels bad when I pay for him so often, but otherwise, we wouldn’t go out sometimes when we want to. My family says dump the guy because he’ll never be a breadwinner. My friends say it is cool for the modern feminist chick to be the breadwinner. Neither viewpoint appeals to me. What do you think?

— Melanie

Read BG’s answer after the jump!

Taking things to the previous level on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Do you think a relationship that is essentially based on sex has any chance of becoming a “real” relationship? How does one make the transition from weekend partner to “girlfriend?”

— Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

Excellent question. Now, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned (I’m going to wax sentimental about sex AND use a bread-baking analogy), I will tell you that what’s hard here is the sense of going backwards and filling in a step — say, the foundation of emotional intimacy that, according to many, should precede sex — that you’ve already skipped over. Like the time Breakup Girl was about to put a loaf of bread in the oven and looked back over at the counter and realized she’d forgotten to put the yeast mixture in the batter. D’oh! I had to squish it — the most essential ingredient — back in and re-blend it all smoothly. It worked, but it was really, really hard. I was lucky — the chemical balance of the gluteny goodness had not yet been irrevocably upset. So in your case, well, try it, but be circumspect. What you could do is, um, not have sex. How about a movie? A sundae date at the soda fountain?Just talking? (I told you, old fashioned.) Give it a few whirls, see what happens. Do you have something to talk about? Yes, or no? There’s your answer. In this case, anyway.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A quickie from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for eight years and I currently live with him. I work midnight shift and he doesn’t. Recently I have been finding outrageous long distance calls to a few different numbers in a couple of different states made late at night only on nights that I am working. What do you make out of this?

— Laura

Dear Laura,

You might want to ask him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Heavy stuff from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, me and my girlfriend have been going out for 11 months and tommorow it would be a year. I have been to a shrink about 1 month and stopped because I felt fine, but I wasn’t the problem I had to go to a shrink for — it’s my biological dad (I never knew him and he died by gunshots because he stole drugs from a gang member), but before all this I tried to meet him. Plus when I was about 12 my stepdad cheated on my mom and I looked at my stepdad as a real father (he also had a child with this other woman). Well I was wondering me and my ex-girlfriend got in a lot of fights and the reason we broke up is because of us fighting. Well I always snapped on her for the stupidest reasons so it was my fault mostly, but when I went to the shrink this never happened I never snapped or anything. So she said she needed time to sort things out so is it over or is there a chance and if there is another chance how can I stop snapping at her? Thanks.

— Chris

Dear Chris,

Okay, everyone, since we’ve been on the topic of melo/drama recently, how many of you have just put your situation in perspective?

(more…)

The ex returns on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know where to start. I started seeing this guy last fall. We liked the same things, and had fun when we went out. Things were good. Everyone at work saw us as a couple … and we were!! Okay, I knew there was an EX-GIRLFRIEND — and that he was still in contact with her. (I just did not know that they were in C-O-N-T-A-C-T.) Anyway, he brought her to our work the other day — like it was nothing. Like we had not been seeing each other since last October. They were holding hands and looking like the normal couple. I was crushed! He basically said, “We are back together” — nothing else!

I know that he is in the wrong, but why do I feel like it was my fault? My fault for not seeing any kind of sign. My fault for believing this guy was for real. My fault for falling for such an idiot. I know that it is not, but it sure feels like it.

How do I begin to repair this? My self-esteem, my pride, my dignity? How do I recognize the signs of a jerk before something like this happens? I just wish people had some sort of tattoo or something on them, so you could see whom they were right for, and therefore stop wasting time with STUPID people!! I need a Loser 12-Step Program. I need to stop the madness.

— Whatever

BG’s response after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn gets drafted by “Should I Stay or Should I Go” Jo, who’s in a pitched battle with her future mother-in-law over her military fiance’s time — and now money.

She tried to get him to co-sign on a $400,000 loan to build on her property before our wedding could happen later this year. I convinced him not to, though he said I was being selfish. I found out later that she couldn’t build on her land because of permit issues and she knew about it. … Now she is getting divorced and trying to get him to loan her $60,000!

Can Jo win this war or should she surrender? Read the full scenario along with Lynn’s marching orders over at Happen, then comment below.