When we first meet BHB, he asks, nicely, how he can be a nice guy without being The Nice Guy. The guy who women flock to… for help with odd jobs. You know, the guy whose shoulder women cry on…about other men.
Several months after that, he’s back, and he’s crushing on someone 11 years his senior — though at least, thankfully, not expressing his feelings by offering to drive her to the airport or move her piano.
Then: Another missive detailing a massive dating drought in which dry conditions also help set an old flame alight. Which would be hot except for the part where she’s married to a doofus. And now he’s got a tattoo: a tattoo of the earth on his shoulder. The world! On his shoulder! Oh, the weight! Oh, Broken Heart Bob!
And now! BHB writes from Africa! Turns out our man has joined the Peace Corps. In other words, he is building the world a loft, in a good way. Here is his latest missive, plus a bit of a pep talk from BG. (Note: This response from BG to long-time VIP/FOBG BHB is an extra-special VIP case. Please send your requests for advice to my alter-ego at AskLynn@match.com) Feel free to add your comments as well!
Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you tell a guy that there’s nothing between you without being too blunt?
— Schaefer
Dear Schaefer, IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM:Mean is bad, but blunt is fine. “Hey, I think you’re great, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s really nothing romantic between us. End of story, morning glory. Blunt (as opposed to harsh) is the cleanest, most respectful, most effective way to go.
Why? Let’s say you spent all night constructing an elaborate, sugar-coated, cushiony, Downy soft, April-fresh, “explanation” for the breakup (or for why you’re not interested). When you use it, you will get one of two results:
1) Your dis is so feathery-light that your ex-to-be will call you three hours later and say “Okay, have you had enough ‘space’ yet?” Or,
2) frankly, he or she will be offended by your patronizing and BS-ification, and may even write to Breakup Girl to share the ridiculous thing that you said. If you don’t believe me, read the next letter down.
Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you think of the pathetic statement, “I broke up with you because I love you so much and I was afraid you might become unhappy with our relationship?”
— Cris
Dear Cris,
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Breakup Girl
Take one look at this picture and tell me that story is being covered EVERYWHERE out of serious concern for public health. Come on. It’s a CHEERLEADER who DIED during surgery for BREAST augmentation. In the meteorology of sex-and-death-sell headlines, it’s the perfect storm. It would have been enough the young woman had just been, you know, white and blond. But she is also a cheerleader. And oh, do we have a thing about cheerleaders. In high school, they stand to destroy our social lives. In Heroes, they stand to save the world. But while we’re busy thinking about cheerleaders doing everything but leading cheers, they are actually busy being insanely good athletes, performing superheroic stunts like the basket toss and — yes — the Superman. If you need reminding of that, or proof, check out this interview my alter ego did with Kate Torgovnick, author of Cheer!: Three Teams on a Quest for College Cheerleading’s Ultimate Prize. Hint:Â the “ultimate prize” is not popularity.
Dear Breakup Girl,
How can you make your boyfriend stay and love you forever and ever? How can you convey to him the value of loyalty, avid affection and obsession? Answer me! Very important! You can get a reward or even a trophy if you answer these questions.
— Sky
Dear Sky,
If Breakup Girl knew that, she’d be out of a job (or rich, or in prison). Seriously, though, I printed your letter because I like your style — but you don’t know how many people have asked me that question with no hint of irony whatsoever.
So listen up, everyone, to this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM:You can’t make anyone do anything. Think about it: did your parents ever really make you do anything? Even if they did, did you want to when they did? Was your heart in it? The more they made you eat your rutabagas, the more you hated rutabagas, right?
So, you guys: do not, repeat, DO NOT do the rutabaga thing on your intended. Find someone who — without needing your help — treats you as the fresh and tasty thing that you are!
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:35 am
Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today we meet “Is Beauty Only Skin Deep?”, who has met someone of her own — online, anyway. Endless phone calls, round-the-clock IM, talk of marriage, sheer bliss…at least over optical fiber. But when her fella finally sees her photo (yes, after the M-word comes up), it’s perhaps his true face that shows. His response: “You’re pretty, but can you call again when you lose some weight?”
That, or when pigs fly?
Read the whole shebang, and then come back here to comment!
Here’s another study for you: the latest research suggests that people who are in love with their partners are less attracted to other people. Where was that data collected, University of the Obvious? Published in the academic journal Duh?
Well, from a broad psychological standpoint, this conclusion is apparently not that obvious. Because our default setting, as humans, is “instant gratification.” Nationally, constitutionally, and gubernatorially, we are not champions of self-restraint. So why should lust, even in the context of presumed monogamy, be any different? Or, as The Raw Story put it: “Why do people in stable relationships so often pass up the chance for a little sexual gratification on the side, even if they can get away with it?”
e-mail to a friend in need
Cushioning the blow on 
. Hint:Â the “ultimate prize” is not 
