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December 28, 2009

This week at Happen: Can’t get past the 2nd date

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:16 am

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn aids Vexed Veronica, whose dates keep vanishing:

We had lots in common and had fun on our first date. He left me a message the next day (in the morning, even!) saying he had fun and wanted to hang out again that night. We had another good time and I left him a message the following afternoon. I haven’t heard from him in over a week.

Read the letter at Happen then come back here to comment!


  1. I gotta wonder if the author is being 100% honest about her role in this. My experience is that men – even those who claim to be “sick of games” – want to pursue a woman, and a sure way to turn off a guy is to be too eager after a first or second date to see him again. Even if it’s the biggest crush in the world and you feel certain he’s your soulmate, you have to act like it’s no big deal if he calls again or not. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a quick text/email/call that says, “hey, I had fun, thanks again for dinner and have a great week!” but anything more intense than that or wanting to make plans without his initiating will be like garlic to a vampire. For me it was always the most agonizing part of dating, since I’m pretty straightforward and say what’s on my mind, bad or good, but guys don’t want to know that until they REALLY decide they want to know you. Sometimes you just have to play the cold, untamed mountain and let a guy think that he’s really got to work in order to conquer you – like it or not.

    Comment by Kalleigh — December 30, 2009 @ 12:30 am

  2. story of my life … except I have rarely made it past the first round. To clarify, my friends don’t have any idea why my record is an unenviable 0/80 over 10 years (or 2/80 for multiple dates i.e. 4 before being blown out of the sky like Gary Powers). To further thicken the plot, I’m in good shape (triathlete), working on a master’s degree, read the NY Times, and have plenty of friends of both genders (see above). So yeah, you’re not alone. But it certainly isn’t a good place to be having people say “you’re great, but I’m not interested.”

    Having tried both the ‘friends’ approach (which seems bound to lead to “you’re a good friend, but I’m not interested in being more than friends”) and the ‘relationship direct’ approach (which ends in “well I thought that was a good date, why didn’t ___ think so?”) I can’t give any other advice than to say be like Winston Churchill: “I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.”

    Perhaps seeing a professional might be wise: he/she may have insights like “your gaze can be too piercing” or could help you with anxiety or shyness.

    Any advice BG?


    Comment by DM — December 30, 2009 @ 12:52 am

  3. DM: That is mysterious indeed — and I’m sorry it’s been your life story! Perhaps you’ll find a tidbit of helpful wisdom among the links here. http://www.breakupgirl.net/?tag=never-had-a-girlfriend And here’s to a new year of promising new beginnings!

    Comment by BG — December 30, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

  4. What I see that issue sometimes that you may have some men who are using an online dating site communicating with numerous women at one time. To me these type of men are actually in reality scumbags as they are only playing these women and in the end what this fellow did with Vexed Veronica is totally inexcusable.

    I think it would be in Vexed Veronica best interest to report this member to the online dating site in question about his activities and let them deal with the scumbag. The sad part is the Vexed Veronica has been hurt emotionally and this scumbag should pay the price for what a total jerk he is.

    Comment by Barry Ohman — January 4, 2010 @ 2:44 pm

  5. Barry (#4),
    Most women use online dating to communicate with multiple men at one time. Most men do the same. It’s more likely to succeed than trying to focus on a single person at a time.

    Without knowing Vexed Veronica (or DM), I can’t say whether she’s contributing to her problems. I can offer some insight into how men think and approach dating.

    While I’m on a first date, I’m trying to be the best date possible. I’m doing my best to ensure we both enjoy ourselves and have a great time. I’m trying to be witty, charming, confident, relaxed and interesting. Among all the men that this woman is dating/has dated, I want to stand out.

    Unless the woman is unattractive, I’m not thinking about whether I want a second date. I’ll make up my mind after the first date is over. I’m primarily concerned with ensuring that I’ll have the option to get a second date. I’m also trying to learn something about the woman so I’ll be able to make my decision later.

    When a man says, “I had a great time,” or “You’re so awesome,” or “I really like you,” he means exactly what he said. Don’t read anything more into it. You’ll know he wants a second (and third, and fourth) date when he calls you to schedule the date(s).

    Dating is painful. If you date long enough, you will get hurt AND you will end up hurting someone else. Both of these situations are unpleasant. In my experience, most people are more averse to being the cause of the pain than the recipient. People tend to pull vanishing acts in order to avoid witnessing the other person in pain. I’ve tried to avoid pulling the vanishing act, but being direct about ending it is my least favorite part of the dating process.

    If anyone is unable to cope with getting hurt, or unable to cope with potentially hurting someone else, than they are clearly not mature enough to be dating. Fortunately, both Veronica and DM sound like they are able to cope with it.

    Comment by Karl R — January 5, 2010 @ 7:54 pm

  6. Barry. It’s rather harsh to call men who date twice and not thrice scumbags or jerks. Sounds like veronica’s date did not promise her his everlasting love. He probably dodged a bullet despite what would probably be an easy manipulation into sex. He sounds like an honorable person from that respect.

    Dr. Dork

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