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Breakup Girl » Now at MSN.com: “I cannot attract a man my age!”
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February 24, 2008

Now at MSN.com: “I cannot attract a man my age!”

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:43 pm

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Here — in case anyone’s puzzled by the references to it in the comments — is the current installment of “Ask Lynn,” BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com. We’ll start posting links to the column weekly from here on out. Meanwhile, here’s your teaser for this one:

“I am a 46-year-old woman; I take care of myself, but I do look my age. ‘Cute’ might best describe me. My question? I simply cannot attract a man my age. They’re either 10-20 years older or 10 years younger. This has been happening since I was old enough to date…What’s wrong with me?”

To find out (hint: nothing!) click here.


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46 Comments »

  1. I have the simple answer why the 46 yr old is not attractive to men her age and it requires a man to answer it. It’s nothing to do with “demographics” etc etc. Fact is men in their 40’s just arent attracted to 40 yr old women because they can get younger more sexually appealing women in their 20’s and 30’s. There’s the reason. Period.

    Comment by corey — February 24, 2008 @ 8:11 pm

  2. Your column state “there are plenty of never-married 56-year-olds who are still casting about. Age tells just part of the story.”

    Common wisdom seems to be that never married people over 40 are probably that way for a reason. That’s certainly been my experience.

    Comment by Stephanie — February 24, 2008 @ 9:00 pm

  3. Lynn,

    You really missed the boat on the advice to feeling rejected who is 46 and wondering why men are not asking her out. I am 47 and single and started using online dating websites when I was 36. Using the same picture and the same profile from the age of 44-47, I have noticed a remarkable difference in “hits” from men my age. 44-45 were fine, lots of contacts, lots of dates but when I hit 46, significant slowdown and the quality of men I do get I feel I am wasting my money. I also live in a town where they have alot of dating services. I have noticed they segregate by age 35+ or 40+ but always state “women under 35 or 40 may attend if desired”…they don’t say the same for men less than 35 or 40 in age. They also have get togethers specifically for women 30-45 and men 40-60 to meet. It is a cultural thing…men are bombarded to go after that young trophey, gives them bragging rights in the locker room and makes them feel young. Face it, they didn’t invent viagra for nothing and the fact that a man could have to use it makes him feel old…you are as young as you feel and since you only have to look in the mirror once a day, if you surround yourself with youth, then you can convince yourself you are young. I worked for a retirement home once and learned no matter how old a man is…he still thinks about sex and a woman’s looks.

    You are right, she shouldn’t limit herself to men our age…but she needs to set boundaries that she is comfortable with…I have young men in their twenties and older men in their 60’s hitting on me and if I could introduce them to one of my nieces or my mother I’ll walk away. I mean, who needs the extra competition lol.

    Comment by Kala — February 24, 2008 @ 9:09 pm

  4. This comment is for Stephanie. You state that “Common wisdom seems to be that never married people over 40 are probably that way for a reason. That’s certainly been my experience.” You are stereotyping all single people over 40 and that is not fair. Did you ever stop to think that just maybe they were the ones with the wisdom and common sense? Not every one jumps into a marriage just to have it end in a divorce…look at the divorce rate and the number of times most people have been married and divorced and then tell me about “common wisdom”–the person who has been married and divorced 2-5 times or the person who has never married because they just haven’t met the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with and were smart enough to know it?

    Comment by Kala — February 24, 2008 @ 9:20 pm

  5. I have to laugh, she appears 60 years old, check her driver’s license, also look near the ears for her couple of facelifts, too funny how some make claims to decieve others. Also check hands for wrinkling and neck area is a good sign but lifts there now a days as well, Check Driver’s license people, get real!

    Comment by jessica — February 24, 2008 @ 9:23 pm

  6. Please don’t focus down on age. Look for the person who understands you, amuses you, thrills you, and shares with you. I always thought older men were much more attractive and was never insulted by their attention. Had failed long term relationships (17 and 9yrs) by early 40’s. Disgusted - never wanted to date let alone have another relationship till my last breath. Happy and active for 8 years alone. Then BAM - man who looked 10 years my junior (and thought I was 10 years younger than I looked) - friend of my sister’s - insisted on just having a dinner companion. Took a lot of harrassment from my sister before I agreed - JUST DINNER ONLY. From first 5 minutes we discovered we are like 2 clones - same tastes in everything from authors (both avid readers), music, movies, food, goals, general philosophy on life, etc., etc. Were already head over heels in love and planning a long term relationship before we really remembered to go back and touch on age - turns out to be a 20+ year difference. I was appalled and wanted to call it off just because of the age difference but he was persistent. When man is older, people usually just smile, but when woman is older - well… some pretty catty comments happen. Doesn’t change what a blessing we have been to each other for nearly 3 years now - as he tells me every day and I think he is the most wonderful person walking. True soul match. Keep trying - love comes where and when you least expect it. The person is what counts.

    Comment by MayDecember — February 24, 2008 @ 10:57 pm

  7. I disagree here. If a man is your age and single, he is probably one of two things… 1. taking Viagra and looking to have sex with a younger woman because he can, or 2. is not interested in any type of committment and therefore is looking for a woman who has less experience, less baggage and a lower or thinner wall to break through to get what he wants. If he knows how to romance and seduce, why would he take the time to date and get to know you.

    Maybe if they made Viagra for women, we would be MORE than flattered when a 25 year old hits on us…we would consider ourselves “lucky,” if you know what I mean! I just turned 40 and look great. I have been hit on by more men under 30 in the past three months than men over 40 in the past five years.

    Comment by Cindy — February 24, 2008 @ 11:02 pm

  8. I am a 50 year-old single male and I do try to date younger women. This letter reminded me of a post that I saw on a Women-Seeking-Men website last year. She was around 40 years old (I can’t remember exactly) and she posted an honest assessment of herself, including the fact that she had some disease or condition (it had a name) and that any suitors would have to accept this. This condition meant that she felt “poorly” at times which was how she phrased it. Then she ended her post by saying in the clearest of terms “no older guys” and “I don’t date older guys, so don’t even try.” I was so peeved that I almost responded with some negative sentiment. This women, who had some condition, clearly saw an older guy as having some sort of disability and she would not tolerate this. Ironically, this condition it would seem, would make her the physical equivalent of a 50 year old. She wanted someone to live with her condition but she was not about to even consider someone that was “older” as if older was something too terrible to contemplate.

    Comment by Mark — February 24, 2008 @ 11:08 pm

  9. First I would be interested in knowing your age, and if you have ever felt what it is like to date after the age of 45 or after the age of 55. When one takes the time to look at any dating site, they will find an extremely large percentage of the men doing the following: they take their age and drop off 5 years… from that point they continue to go down another 15 to 20 years to find their acceptable dating range. So if a man is 55, his dating range at the high end is 50 and goes down to 30-35. This doesn’t happen once in a while, instead it is extremely prevelant. Note for any who will want to dispute, I am not including everyone, just a majority. Sure there are some who would even go 2 years older than they are. I have some great looking women friends that are 30 and they are always wondering what these old guys (50 years of age) are doing hitting on them. According to these ladies they could care less about what they consider to be old farts. Also on this point, I am generalizing, but it doesn’t seem to matter if they are good looking or not, bald or not, teeth or not, in shape or not, etc.

    I thought your advice was horrible because it doesn’t address the issue. Men think they can date women several years younger and society has always accepted it. It is shown in the movies, television and written in books. We women didn’t just suddenly wake up to this fact! Hollywood thinks nothing of showing some old Hollywood star with a new starlet. This is our society. It has only been recently that younger men find older women attractive, but it is still slow to come about. The reason why the 46 year old woman can’t find a man her age to date is because most men think a woman their own age is old. In a perfect world it would be wonderful if we didn’t look at age, but unfortunately that is not the case. Perhaps your answer should have addressed the reasons why many/most men feel the need to date younger women and how best a woman can combat this problem.

    Comment by Carol, Los Angeles, CA — February 24, 2008 @ 11:21 pm

  10. Hey Lynn,
    Wanna hear an answer from a man’s perspective. I ended up being divorced at the age of 54. I can in a way sympathize with the woman. However, I would like to say that often times men are put off by the single middle age woman as well. Here are some of the reasons that I would look for someone younger. I was tired of being married to someone my age because she had become complacent, sedate and not interested in doing active things. The other thing I suggest is advertise yourself in a personal ad. Tell a litle about yourself but not too much, don’t lie about anything. There are as many men out there as there are women in very similiar situations. At our stage in life, we all know what we want from a partner, friend or lover. I think that the lady needs to follow your advice and don’t cast herself into the role she is playing. Be adventurous, but safe, risky, but smart. Advertise that you are looking for someone just for fun, day trips, fishing, whatever interests her and that she is not looking for a long term relationship yet. In one day, I had 11 women respond to me. I met one and we have been married for two years now. I wish the best for her and hope that she sees that it only looks tough because she had not found the avenue that takes her where she wants to go.

    Comment by Louis Alanis — February 24, 2008 @ 11:22 pm

  11. a comment response to:
    Comment by Carol, Los Angeles, CA — February 24, 2008 @ 11:21 pm

    hey carol, the nice thing about choosing someone is still choosing who you want to be with. So men lie about their ages, as if women dont. Anyway, did you read the part of my previous comment to the frustrated 46 year old. Here are the magic words again: Be Honest.
    Good luck and don’t be bitter, it took me 5 years to find another woman that was happy to be with me, and you know what, we are only 3 years apart in age.

    Later Carol….

    Oh a PS: take care of how you look if you want to attract men in your age group. Don’t act or dress like a teenager, and if you have to, lose some weight and let the men see a nice good looking you. Not necessarily the model body or woman, but a nice attractive you. If you care about how you look, so does the guy.

    Comment by Louis Alanis — February 24, 2008 @ 11:30 pm

  12. Thank you Louis for your perspective. It is great to hear that you married a woman within 3 years of your age. However I belong to a social group of people and we get together all the time for dinner and conversation. It was very disheartening to learn that none of the men would even date a woman 2 years older than they are. It is just a shame that’s all. They may be missing out on a wonderful relationship. Also regarding your P.S. and to the man that thinks women can’t keep up physically. I go to the gym and really know my way around the big boy weights. I play an excellent game of tennis and I snow ski all of the mountain. I am bringing that up because I don’t want to just sit and watch TV. I am active, and I want to let men know that many, many women are active, vital and extremely attractive. My point is that we live in a society that promotes men dating much younger women. We have a huge double standard when it comes to age. It is only recently been changing, but change takes a long time. Last, of course both sexes lie about age and other things as well. No one has the corner of the market on that one. The road goes both ways.

    Comment by Carol, Los Angeles, CA — February 24, 2008 @ 11:57 pm

  13. Well I’m practically in the same boat…only worse. I’m nearly 50, hardly ever date and have never been married. I am howver in love with a married man 20 years my senior but I’m wise enough to know that nothing will or could ever come of this relationship. I think finding a person who suits your needs and wants is difficult enough but we shouldn’t set limitations on others by their age or status in life. They are, we are what we are…….human. The important thing is to put yourself out there and open your heart to love…whoever it is!

    Comment by Sherry — February 25, 2008 @ 12:02 am

  14. I’m a guy 45 and I find that the girls my age just don’t want a man in their lifes. They want a friend and then they run off with the first younger guy. I have been dating a lot of older girls and the general idea is that they will not run to the other guy because he is younger. 40 is a tuff age for all people not just a girl. You are still beautiful and very desireable, I wish that I could meet a girl that would tell me how she is feeling and not how she has been treated by the loser that dumped her.There is still a lot if us great guys that are looking for the girl of our dreams,our age or not.

    Comment by Keith — February 25, 2008 @ 12:34 am

  15. My experience has been that quite a few American women in their 40s-50s appear to be helpless. The women I’ve dated are European or South American. My preference as a man, is I want a woman to be independent, can cook for herself, have a kept home/apt (meaning it’s clean). So I guess what I’m saying I want an ambitious woman, not someone that requires waiting on. By the way, I can cook and clean for myself, so I believe my expectations are not high.

    Comment by Roger — February 25, 2008 @ 2:24 am

  16. not true i would like to meet a 40 + ,but they are lookin for the rich guy , and they don’t hent they are single ,lots of young 1s are still a kid……..

    Comment by doc — February 25, 2008 @ 6:31 am

  17. I am in this situation myself. I am a 37 year old female who can pass for a 27 year old,and if in jeans,tennis shoes hair in a pony tail I have to show my i.d. to purchase a lottery ticket. I always get approached by males 24 to 29,it’s never 30 and over no matter if I’m at church,the store,it’s even worse at the mall I get high school guys asking me what high school I go to. It’s very flattering however I would like to meet a man my own age or at least 30 and over. The guys my own age just look at me,even had one call me baby girl and I was older than him! I went on a blind date set up by a friend with a 44 year old his relative told him he should be a shamed of himself robbing the cradle! So I can definely relate to this situation.

    Comment by Payton — February 25, 2008 @ 9:48 am

  18. Hey,
    I do not know why I read this article and felt I had to write something.
    Anyway my inout-
    Review yourself after every date and phone call.
    What did you talk about? etc…
    When you look at a guy on the web, what are your search criteria?
    Why do you look at these factors? Really…

    I have custody of my two wonderful teenage girls.
    I am in my late 40’s. My girls say I am good looking.
    I did not put in my profile that I was a software executive and I halved my income.
    I did have my girls in there.
    Why did I do this? ;-)

    Please ask why you did not write me?
    If I wrote you, why did you not write back?
    When we did connect, why did you count the years until my girls were out of the house?
    What did we try to talk about?

    There are guys out there but we have ‘baggage’.
    Empty nesters are older and younger.

    My two cents.

    Comment by d.emerson — February 25, 2008 @ 11:34 am

  19. I am a 45 year old divorced man. I am also a full time student again changing careers and I work nearly full time. I don’t do bars and all the women I meet at school are teenagers which I am not interested in, and at my work they are all married with children. I have been online on dating web-sites now for about 2 years. My search age range is 30-50. I am open to having children or helping raise someones children. Without fail 95% or the women that I try to contact, (and few ever reply, and I am an attractive, fit, healthy, handsome, 6-1 205lb, intelligent man,) are looking for a guy that makes $100K, a year, will take them out to dinner all the time, take them on trips, etc. buy them clothes and jewelry, etc. I state online that I am looking for a long-term leading to permanent relationship but must be friends for a while first….I really don’t want someone in their 30’s.
    I want and would rather have someone within 5 years of my age either way.
    There are a lot of issues at play here and one that no body talked about yet.
    The population demographics of men and women in their early 40’s. There are less of us in the dating pool than those older and younger than us.
    I could go on and on about this topic but this is a huge issue. Many responders to this have touched on many good points. Everyone has issues. Nobody is perfect.
    My criteria for meeting someone to develop a permanent relationship are simple. 1. Intelligent and a good communicator 2. Healthy, active, and height and weight proportionate 3. Employed
    I would even date a woman in her early 50’s and I am exchangin e-mails with a woman that is 51 but that’s all she wants to do, exchange e-mails…..In conclusion, it has been my experience that by the time a woman reaches her 40’s she has been hurt and lied to so many times that she is very mistrusting and has dogs or cats to substitute her affection on, and, she is looking for a financial security net.
    I just want a partner that will work with me….and let go of the past, and not judge me because I’m not affluent or wealthy….and will compromise with me and not get into power struggles with me about how we spend our time/money together…..
    I am not optimistic about ever meeting someone….

    Comment by Michael — February 25, 2008 @ 12:09 pm

  20. Also, I have read some profiles on the online dating sites where a woman will say her actual age is 3-7 years old than stated which is lying and is just plain wrong ! Lying to meet someone, how pathetic is that ? Starting a relationship or friendship based on a lie ?….what’s next ?

    Comment by Michael — February 25, 2008 @ 12:25 pm

  21. I am a very attractive woman of 44, very physically fit, active and fun-loving, and I can tell you that I have had the same problem ! I was so concerned about it that I even checked out census data in my area to see if perhaps women my age outnumbered men. No go ! While it is very flattering to be ogled and pursued by college-age and thirty-something year old men, I find topics of conversation tend to be very limited with them. And men 10 and 20 years older than me generally don’t interest me as they are so frequently out of shape, sedentary and often very close-minded/stuck in their ways(often demeaning sexist ways, and/or alcohol/porn/T.V./gambling and related addictions, which, check out the statistics, are epidemic problems among American men in general, far more than among women). Furthermore, the very idea that they insist on chasing women who are so much younger than them is a real turn-off from the start.

    I am weary of articles that tell women that the reason they can’t find emotionally healthy men who are their equals and who are capable of intimate relationship is because they, the women, are somehow psychologically ‘choosing’ inappropriate men. Why not point the finger in the other direction and ask why so many American men behave inappropriately?! When did it become fashionable to blame women for the problems that American men have? Read your daily newspaper and note who is doing what to whom. Then don’t ask why women ‘choose’ the wrong man, but why American MEN seem to be beleaguered by so many problems, ask why they “may have made choices, even unconsciously.”

    And stop telling us how we should change to adapt to the status quo ! How ’bout advising men on how they might grow — or simply grow up !

    Comment by Liza — February 25, 2008 @ 1:45 pm

  22. Wow. I only just read Michael’s comments above after having already inserted mine.

    I don’t know what your particular difficulties are, Michael, but I can tell you that you’re right about one thing : By the time many women reach my age, if they don’t have much financial security of their own (and more women than men live and die in poverty in the U.S., that gross inequality continues even in the year 2008!), they frequently only hope for financial security from a man, because they have pretty much given up hope of having any kind of real or emotionally-fulfilling relationship with one. And not simply because “by the time a woman reaches her 40’s she has been hurt and lied to so many times that she is very mistrusting,” although that is a factor, but because in addition to the ‘ordinary’ difficulties and hurts of relationships, women must contend with a lot of extra things from men : When screened with the best, state-of-the- psychiatric-art test for sociopathic tendencies, 1 in 20 American males prove to be full-blown psychopaths — as opposed to less than 1 in 100 women (see Dr. Hare, British Columbia), and of the remaining 19 out of 20 men, many of those test positive as ‘borderline’ sociopaths. At least 1 in 7 of our boy children and 1 in 4 of our girl children will be raped before the age of ten, usually by a trusted man. Half of all American women know what it is to be raped. Half know what it is to be hit by a spouse. There are twice as many male drug addicts and alcoholics as female ones. Porn and sex addictions are absolutely epidemic among American men (see Dr. Carnes). And this is not even a complete list of all the extra perks that women get when relating to men! By the time we reach our 40’s, after hearing and witnessing all the stories of our women friends and their children, and surviving so many of our own, we are not merely “mistrusting,” we are EXHAUSTED, as a citizen of, oh, say, Beirut might be after a lifetime of constantly dodging sniper-fire (and frequently getting a bullet in the leg anyway). Dating is not just frequently a bummer for women, it is often a living NIGHTMARE.

    So when you over-simplify the difficulties between men and women with “Everyone has issues. Nobody is perfect” I find myself getting a little wild-eyed !

    Good luck to you Michael.

    And good luck to all you women out there who have dodged sniper-fire, sometimes successfully, and sometimes not so successfully.

    Comment by Liza — February 25, 2008 @ 3:22 pm

  23. It’s so true. If you look at the age brackets men are “casting about” in on match.com or other sites, they *are* looking for younger women, for the most part. It’s a rare man mature enough to date someone his own age! This is odd to me as when I “date down” I am always rolling my eyes at how *young* (and not just in years) my date is. Fun for a while, but…

    I have two friends who’ve moved in together, and they are six months apart in age. And, the MAN says he so enjoys dating someone his own age. “There’s nothing like it,” is what he said. I think they just share so much cultural literacy and are able to be equals; it’s rewarding. Here’s to the men who realize this!!!

    Comment by Kris — February 25, 2008 @ 4:29 pm

  24. I feel what you are going through. I am a 57 year old male, but I look and feel much younger than that, and it is so very difficult to find an attractive female that is both beautiful and energetic. I wish I could reach out to you and share your frustration. I am an attractive man and very confident in myself. If you want to share your experiences with me, as we both seem to be experiencing the same situation, e-mail me at doc_decker@hotmail.com. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Comment by william j decker — February 25, 2008 @ 4:39 pm

  25. Oh how I can feek with you sister. I am in exactly the same boat and at a stand still with this whole dating thing. I am 49 and look about ten to fifteen years younger and as nice as that may sound , it can be a problem for dating. Its all very flattering to be noticed by these young guys but no thanks. If anyone has a solution please post asap.

    Comment by BARBARA — February 25, 2008 @ 5:01 pm

  26. In your reply to can’t find men my own age, you alluded to ‘why would she have a problem dating younger men and refered to her as Mrs. Robinson.’ Well let me say that there are all kinds of reasons not to date someone younger.
    My ‘just turned 21yrs old’ son just moved in with a 32yr old woman with 2 kids after only dating for a month. Now she may feel like your Mrs. Robinson with a new notch on her belt and you may think that being at the same stage in life is of no consequence, but let me point out a few things.
    At this time in her life, this woman is attending a community college taking courses on Gaming. A lucrative field for ambitious and talented people, but she appears to be really excelling at having parties at her house in the evening for a group of mostly 21-23 yr olds and really gets high marks for ditching those 2 children while she runs around with the gang. My analysis is more that she is a socially and emotionally stunted individual who can’t get taken seriously by men closer to her age.
    Now the attraction on my son’s part totally eludes me since after first meeting her I truly thought she was a lesbian Very ‘butchy’ attitude and appearance. That’s not being mean, that’s just what I thought.
    And as far as being in the same place in life, here’s a person who is a mother of two who should be providing a stable environment for her children and that includes providing the right kind of role models. Not that my son is a bad role model, but a 21yr old college kid just leaving home for the first time and moving in with someone after only a month of dating is hardly a good example for kids nor is mom moving some overgrown kid into her bedroom an ideal situation for them to be witnessing.
    Yes, yes I know I used this forum to air my own grievances, but I assure you, Lynn, there is a lot to be said for being at the same stage in life for compatibility.
    What might look good at 30 or 40 may 10 or 20 years later not look so appealing, especially if that person isn’t taking good care of their health ie..smoking and drinking. Which brings up a whole other issue. The older we get the more likely we are to experience health issues. And my take on the 60-70 yr old guy who is looking for the 40-50yr old gal is really hoping he’ll find someone to take care of HIM in his old age.
    Age does matter as well as the stage of life that one is in, never doubt it.

    Comment by Kate — February 25, 2008 @ 7:07 pm

  27. I cannot attract men my age. Ok, well if I met a lady my age “46″ and found her to be fun, attractive and interesting to be with, I would go out with her, regardless of the “trophy” aspect stated in a post response, I could care less about that, I am my own man and answer or “require” the aproval of no one, peers included. So 46 year old lady, give me a shout, we can chat and go from there! :o)

    Comment by Cary — February 25, 2008 @ 7:51 pm

  28. If the 46 year old woman in question resides in a large urban environment, she’s in big trouble. Most guys her age are dating women 10 to 20 years younger. And while guys in their 20’s and 30’s will date her for the NSA sex - or a free meal - [since most of them are broke] they’ll only date her until the spoils run out, and then pick someone younger, when they’re really serious about settling down. With this said, she may have some prospect of landing a man her age if she’s willing to compromise on appearance and financial condition. But even that’s a tough call. In my opinion, her best bet is to focus on men in their late 50’s, 60’s or 70’s; guys who will appreciate a more youthful partner. Now I have heard tales of small towns in places like Alabama where people choose age-relevant partners, but I’ve never seen it in urbania. With the divorce rate through the roof, there’s just too much choice on the market. I mean, its fine when you’re both 25, but as you both approach 40, she starts looking like his mother. But to a man 20 years her senior, she’s always exquisite. You do the math. Most men are found in the company of attractive, younger women. This is not the case with women because looks just aren’t as important to them. Don’t believe me? Just try getting a woman to render a physical description of someone she wants to set you up with. The lion’s share of her compliments will refer to personality characteristics…even if the woman you’re about to meet is half the size of a helicopter. So, to the aforementioned 46 year old, stop beating a dead horse and find an older man who will love and appreciate you…and be done with it.

    Comment by Jay Rusovich — February 25, 2008 @ 9:51 pm

  29. I am a man, just turned 40, born and raised in the USA, with an average upbringing (at least through high school). I have never been married, and have consciously and effectively ceased from dating (even the pursuit of dating) in 1992. Having dated briefly before and experiencing the lasting beauty of female companionship, every day since might as well be an eternity with respect for the yearning a man feels emotionally and physically for such a basic yet profound human need. Why did I do such a thing having no physical or emotional ailment or deficiency? I have essentially taken the time since to chase after my God in a manner not predominately seen by today’s standards—getting to know God personally as with actual human interactions. People say it’s the single most important relationship a person can ever have yet I’ve never known anyone, personally, who tackled the relationship in the same depth and manner as dating an actual flesh and bone person. Looking back, it is something I will not ever regret. One of the first things I observed God perfecting in me is His patient and intensive endeavor with me to simply “get to know myself.” As an outward result, my approach to (any future) relationships has become, “be the right man/friend/person” rather than “looking for the right woman/friend/person.” Almost simultaneously, He began helping me mend the primary relationships I already had in place but had neglected and was actually sabotaging—in particular, the relationship with my parents—something I was very much NOT inclined to do. Yet, by God’s grace alone, such has been my approach. The whole dynamic has taught me a lot about myself and what it means to actively nurture longterm relationships for the better. I have learned, how a person speaks of others is an excellent measure in determining their longterm attitude towards yourself—relationship-wise, business-wise…any-wise.

    Lynn, I twice skipped over your article (via MSN) mainly due to the “whiny” title. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading your article and perusing the responses and I’m glad I did so. It has helped clarify something I already had in mind. I did want to address one of your closing statements—“…I’m just saying to make it not about numbers, but about feelings, flirting and fun…”—you have (inadvertently?) replaced one superficial criterion with three more superficial criteria. Alternatively, I offer for consideration criteria such as similar morals, shared vision, kindness of character, being productive, thoughtfulness, how do they act around (or speak of) their parents and/or “ex’s”, in addition to the myriad of other worthy qualities mentioned by various commentators above. An important question I’ve learned to periodically ask myself: What do I expect of others and yet am hypocritical about myself? Additionally, can I honestly see myself from another’s perspective? Can I honestly see and accept (within reason) another as they are and not as I want them to be? Also, and of no less importance, carefully consider how you follow the “Life rule book” you subscribe to whether known or carefree. With any pursuit, always consider first and utmost, “who’s backing you.”

    For anyone who may be wondering, I follow the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—both Old Testament and New Testament—at the head of which is Jesus and The Ten Commandments. I am a man who seeks the Truth and no vain Way, and follow-through is of eternal importance.

    I am about to rejoin the pursuit of woman. Essentially, my plan includes marry first and date second. Living in such a “hurry up” society, it is easily understood why the predominant approach on this topic is the reverse. Leading a family, with thoughtful and loving procedures in place (with the same care and detail we give in any parallel business venture)—and yes, having fun all along the way—so vitally necessary and yet has become a terribly neglected art not just in this country but throughout the world.

    Asking God for leading (“pray about it”) heads the top of anything I attempt in life and I believe is always sound advice especially when it comes to something as delicate and important as our relationships with others. If you have not formally prayed so already, I implore you to take some time and thought to do so now. And pray for one another, as i am for you.

    Comment by Daniel — February 25, 2008 @ 10:42 pm

  30. This is a comment for d.emerson’s comment….I liked that a lot!

    Comment by CLaCabe — February 25, 2008 @ 11:31 pm

  31. Wow…this woman is me - just 16 years older. Yes, it sucks to be a 29 year old single female who has a good job, a lovely home, loves to have fun and be active and is independent. Sometimes I chalk it up to where I live (SE US) and the town that I am in, but then I realize that there are far more people from all over the US moving to my area. I still cannot attract any men in the 27 to 39 range. I wouldn’t have a problem dating a man who is outside of the 39 limit, however most are uninterested in having any more children if they’ve been previously married and had kids or they’ve never wanted children in the first place and that is one of my criteria eventually. As for the men who are below that age range, I’d give them a chance, but most of them, in my experience, are still “sowing their wild oats” so to speak.

    I’ve done the online dating thing numerous times and everytime I become discouraged by it. The very difficult thing is that eventhough I live near a large city that SHOULD have many activities for singles that do not involve clubs or bars, I have yet to find them (and believe me I’ve LOOKED). It seems like in my area all events are geared toward married couples or divorced singles. I hope that eventually I can find the right guy, but for now it really appears that things are not going to go that way for me and I’m just going to have to get used to it.

    Comment by Stephanie — March 3, 2008 @ 6:51 pm

  32. I am glad that I happened upon this site as I could readily identify with the sentiments being shared herein by the ladies. I am a 51 year old ( look much younger) female and I must say that I am truly a fun person and worth getting to know, great personality but you are right, its dificult to meet available ‘quality’ men over 45 or or say over 40. I think I am more comfortable with older men but it doesnt matter as its the person, his personality, his ability to laugh and have fun ( and not jto think he is old, become a ‘foogie” and roll over and die ) the mindset and so on that counts. However, in looking at the various sites on the net, the older men are indeed specifying that they wish ladies in their 30’s or under 50 and I really wonder what is this all about. As I said before, its the ‘head space’ that counts and not the age. - age is a numbers game . So take the time to reach out to persons, respond to ADs and checkpersons out instead of doing the hasty generalization thing that” over 50 is off limits”….lol. Yo may just be pleasantly surprised at the ‘gem’ , the ‘diamond’, the lovely sweet precious fun lively energetic quality lady that you discover and uncover….lol. Take a chance and spend the time to get to know.

    Dianne carroll

    Comment by Dianne M Carroll — March 9, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

  33. i am a 21year old young woman being in love with an 48 year old guy
    tell me if what are veiws

    Comment by shnae — March 17, 2008 @ 12:44 pm

  34. i am a 21year old young woman being in love with an 48 year old guy
    tell me if what are veiws is it wrong because we quite alot in common
    ,and to say that i am a christian

    Comment by shnae — March 17, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

  35. [...] moment, brought to you in easy-to-understand cartoon format: Don’t date anyone under (your age/2 + [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » Creepiness calculator — April 24, 2008 @ 9:54 am

  36. Men in their 40’s and up just plain suck. I’m a 40 yr old woman and I much prefer younger men, less “baggage” and they can keep up with me sexually. Men my own age dont seem to have the emotional and physical ability to put effort into a relationship. Let them have the young “trophy” gals, they are not worth my time. The younger man has so much more to offer.

    Comment by chrissy — April 29, 2008 @ 7:36 am

  37. It’s weird, but I can almost related to almost everything I’ve read. There’s are some truth in a lot of what is being said by either sex at any age. When you are in the 40’s, you never realized it till it dawns on you based on results or lack of, you are in a very specific narrow pool of attraction now and if it’s like this now..what’s ahead??
    I have been I guess (tho I don’t always agree) lucky where I’m able to attract men (if I wanted wealth or wisdom) much older and as young as 21 (if I wanted a tight body, cute guy) b/c of my own appearance and I have been told how I carry my-self. However, it is harder to find someone who is of my equal interest in brains and looks within 4 years older or younger.
    You know what though? I feel if I look back in all honesty, no matter what age, I never had the whole package even when the age was appropriate. I think maybe now that I’m older these qualities are more exposed and intensified of I want and I am less willing to bend and please everyone else like I did younger, thereby feels like its harder to find someone.
    To the guy who said men don’t date women in their 40’s and only date younger women b/c they can… yes that is true, and what else is true too is, they usually are being used and the girl has a “real honey” on the side… so I guess if you are rueled by that reasoning then it’s good women my age can bypass the bottom of the food chain and get to the quality ones ; )

    Comment by Lisa — April 30, 2008 @ 1:26 pm

  38. Hello Everyone, after coming back from a club in Mississauga,and after many life episodes of the same result.(coming home empty handed) I’ve come to an observation that true alpha males can get any girl they want. It seems that the most attractive males always get the girls they want. So if that alpha male happens to be a young guy, he is able to pick up an attractive young girl. I have also observed that old men are less fearless of approaching younger attractive women. A large majority of really attractive women never really seem to approach men in bars, salsa practices or any other social venue. They wait to be asked and are constantly bombarded by guys trying to get in contact with them. These women often choose from the bombardment of men. Older women are also less fearless than younger women and stand around men they like and ask out a guy they like more quickly than the younger women. Younger women are more concerned about looking cool and appearances than older women.

    Comment by todd — June 8, 2008 @ 4:55 am

  39. [...] City, Raleigh, San Francisco, and Arlington “FUN CENTRAL”(tm) TX. Hmm! Perhaps our own “Feeling Rejected” should consider becoming (if she’s not already) a massive Rangers [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » What’s the matter with New England? — July 31, 2008 @ 1:01 pm

  40. I’m calling Bullcr**p on all of the men here that say we as women lie. AND I’m calling bullcr**p on the women her that say there is nothing wrong with them.

    I am a never married single straight woman, attractive, for a 48 year old woman. I’m not barbie, but hells bells, I’m not a DOG either. I am a proffesional and have a bank account, so I don’t NEED a man, but it sure would be nice to to find a mand that is secure enough in himself, he knows he doesn’t NEED a barbie, that’s in my age range. I don’t mean, over 50 or under 40, but IN MY AGE RANGE.

    You 40 something men out there thinking you’re gonna get your little trophy. Go for it, and you get what you deserve. Just make sure that no matter what you have a pre-nup. Because that’s all she’s after, whatever she can get from you.

    What you’re missing out on, are some very attrective women, and intellgent women, That have worked hard AND already have bank accounts of their own, and don’t NEED you for that, and will actually LIKE you for YOU.

    But by all means, go fot the Barbie, but whe you’re broke, don’t come running to us, because by then, we alredy know you’re a loser.

    Comment by Andrea — October 28, 2008 @ 2:06 am

  41. Hey nice blog!! Can’t wait for your next post, Thought provoking stuff. Enjoyed your post greatly! what a great site and good posts, I will add trackback What a great article. Thank you for sharing.

    Comment by Senior Citizen Assisted Living — January 18, 2010 @ 2:06 am

  42. Just want to say to the 37-year-old woman, 44 years old is in your age group! He’s not robbing any cradles. He’s only 7 years older, old enough to be your big brother. LOL. My rule has always been 10 years younger or older, and it’s just a fact of life that most men want younger women. It’s partly cultural but it’s biological as well. For an “older” woman 45+ it will be hard to get a guy your own age, so I wouldn’t limit myself. Consider younger or older men 10 years either way. What’s good about it is younger men seem to like older women these days, especially if you’re fit and attractive, and older guys like the ego boost of a woman that’s younger. Plus, bonus, within 10 years either way is part of your generation so you will be able to relate to one another culturally. I’m 45 and my husband is 35, btw.

    Comment by 40andFab — January 26, 2010 @ 5:33 pm

  43. Great work! bookmarking this for later use :)

    Comment by Richard Keggy — December 1, 2010 @ 3:19 pm

  44. Your story was really infomratvie, thanks!

    Comment by Minnie — October 23, 2011 @ 8:13 pm

  45. The Mid 30’s and 40’s were not meant for dating. This is where the problem lies..People played the field for too long thinking that when they were ready the right person would fall into their lap. Didn’t work out that way did it??? Now people in their mid 30’s and 40’s look like a dog pile and they both men and women chase younger. You’re meant to meet someone while you’re young and grow old, not meet someone when you’re old. Just make the most of your life, travel, whatever give up on dating…Its a waste of time at this age. Men aren’t going to get much younger either. Unless they have money which we are in a recession so good luck. Of course you couldn’t pay me enough to be with an older guy. I am 36 btw

    Comment by Kim — November 24, 2012 @ 2:02 pm

  46. I’m a 57 year old male who dated my wife at 15, married at 18 and when she passed away 2.5 years ago we had been together 40 years out of our 55 on earth. I look kind of wild with long, neat, clean hair and a long goatee. I don’t drink, smoke anything or use recreational drugs. I’m to wild looking for the so called straight ladies and am not wild enough for the wild women. I was a bar owner 5 times and have a house and all vehicles paid off. I don’t mind if a lady drinks a small amount but won’t date a smoker( I have asthma ) or a drunk or druggie. I love kids but am to old to raise someones kids. I’m on disability for a bad back and make enough money to get by plus have some in the bank. I’m still active except the days that have me laid up. I really like hot rods and Harleys of which I have at least one of each all the time. I still have a high sex drive for someone my age. Most of the women my age I’ve met do not want sex or once a month and that wont work for me.My wife had ovarian cancer and if she could have lived pain free I would never had sex again if we could have stayed together. I will not do without for someone I don’t have history with. It will only get worse. I would like to be with someone long term. I will not argue and have never hit a woman. The main problem I’ve had is the women my age tend to dress and act like they are 70. My wife had to look nice at work but came home and put on jeans which is what I like. So how do I find a woman close to my age that acts and dresses like a younger( 40-45 ) year old woman. Thank you

    Comment by Gary — December 18, 2012 @ 6:55 pm

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