e-mail to a friend in needHiding birth control from boyfriends
We know that getting teens to use birth control is about more than providing guidance counselors, or hockey moms, with fishbowls full of condoms. We know that there are a great deal of complicating factors, such as the fact that some teen girls feel they want to get pregnant. But what few people may realize is this: some teen boys not only want their girlfriends to get pregnant but, in some cases, are doing what they can to force them to.
Here’s part of a recent press release from the Family Violence Prevention Fund:
“Last week, one of the nation’s top violence prevention organizations launched an unprecedented new initiative to raise awareness about a kind of abuse that is rarely discussed, but has severe consequences. The Family Violence Prevention Fund’s (FVPF) kNOw More initiative examines the reproductive health consequences of sexual coercion and violence, which include unintended pregnancy, HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections, miscarriage, infertility, coerced abortion, and a range of other serious health issues. kNOw More is designed to start a dialogue about the birth control sabotage and reproductive coercion that many teens and young women face, and help draw the link to the reproductive health problems it causes. /snip/
“The intersection of sexual violence and reproductive health is largely unexplored,” FVPF President Esta Soler said. “With this initiative, we are overcoming stigma and raising awareness about the many women who, while dating or in relationships are forced into choices not their own through rape, sexual coercion or because partners prevent them from using protection. These women are at risk for sexually transmitted infection, unintended pregnancy, HIV, and more. Some suffer miscarriages when they want to carry pregnancies to term. Others become mothers before they are ready. Still others lose their fertility. We are creating a space for women to share stories, and raising awareness among those who may be at risk as well as their friends, policy makers and others.”
The kNOw More Web site features stories from women who have experienced abuse, including reproductive coercion, in many forms [Warning: Not light reading. -- BG]:
Jessica says: “I became pregnant less than four months into dating him. He refused to give me funds to purchase birth control, and always refused to use condoms after we became exclusive… I had minimal options. When we decided to continue the pregnancy and marry, the overt abuse started within days of our wedding; it continued throughout the marriage. He was verbally, emotionally, financially, sexually, and physically abusive to me. He would videotape me during vulnerable moments, after abusing me verbally to the point where I was in hysterics, or try to video tape us against my wishes while having sex. He would always refuse my attempts at birth control.”
Carollee started dating a 32-year-old man when she was 19. Things went well at first and they began to sleep together. She was on birth control pills; however, she noticed that whole rows of pills would disappear. When Carollee called her boyfriend on the disappearing birth control, he responded that he “knew” she wanted to have his child. Carollee also noticed that he was sabotaging the condoms.
Kylie writes: “When I first met my ex, he never wanted to use condoms. He did want me to use the ‘morning-after pill,’ I’ll admit. I was quite young and didn’t know how to stand up for myself, so I became pregnant after coerced sex. For the next four years, I stayed with my ex for the sake of the baby, suffering the most horrific kinds of abuse — physical and emotional. His ‘reason’ for abusing me? Because I ‘trapped’ him through pregnancy. Although the only thing I’d been doing since the pregnancy was begging him to let me leave, he threatened to kill me, the baby, and my entire family if I ever attempted it.”
To learn more — and to do more to stop sexual violence and coercion — visit www.knowmoresaymore.org.
Also see BG’s primer on dating violence here.
Thank you for this information. I am a therapist and I sometimes work with young women. I have known for a long time that Hispanic (the population I work with ) sometimes coerced young women into having their baby and convinces them they will be a family forever and this is how you will prove to me how much you love me. guess what? they don’t stick around and leave them quickly after the baby arrives. I have known young men who brag about how many girls they have impregnanted. so thanks for recognizing this. Of course not all hispanic young men are like these…and many other young men from other backgrounds are doing the same. so beware young mujeres! and La mujer con el Poder (you have the power).
Comment by Amparo — September 26, 2008 @ 4:19 am
The idea that boys want their girlfriends to get pregnant if not based on fact or reality. While there may be a very small per centage of young men who have been raised to be lonely because of little attention from his mother or father — and yes, they may have the misguided idea that starting a family will both fill the need for affection and perhaps keep a girl who might “outgrow” him — the vast majority of young men (1) don’t even think about the possibility of pregnancy, (2) don’t want to be saddled with the responsibility of fatherhood, or (3) to a growing degree they are understanding the cost of child support after a relationship can easily be as much as $350,000 by the time their child reaches adulthood. To a boy or young man who would rather own six high end cars or a nice condo, he probaably has better thigs to do with his financial future.
Comment by Bob — September 26, 2008 @ 10:35 am
I used to work as a public defender (18 + years, so not just a brief stint), and thus came into contact with people from all corners of society. Unfortunately, I found that there is a significant minority of young men who feel that fathering children is proof of their “manhood” and a thing to brag about. This “manhood” does not usually extend to supporting or taking any further responsibility for the children thus engendered. The now-trendy term “my baby-mama” stemmed a while back from the fact that some of these young men had no other way to describe the relationship - the women involved were not their wives, girlfriends, or “significant others”, did not live with them, often enough were just casual hookups, and sometimes included more than one in the same 9 month period. The women, tragically, usually knew that they could expect nothing in the way of financial or emotional support for themselves or their offspring.
On the other hand, there was a similar minority of young women who had babies in order to emancipate themselves, qualify for government payments and housing assistance apart from their parents, or for the sake of having someone who would love them unconditionally; a thing that the circumstances of their lives had sadly deprived them of. The thought of the hours of care and the endless responsibility that a baby truly is seems not to have been considered.
Psychology tells us that there is an irreducible 1 or 2% of the population that has a diminished capacity for empathy for others, or for making a valid connection between their immediate actions and their long-temm consequences. I know that this tiny percentage was hugely over-represented in my client population, but I support comprehensive sex and contraceptive education for both boys and girls, and more significantly, *parenting* education as mandatory components of the public school curriculum as one of the few things that might make a dent in this mentality. “Abstinence-only” clearly doesn’t work - as witness Sarah Palin’s own family.
Comment by Cori — September 26, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
[...] As allegations of battery swirl around the famous couple, experts on domestic violence say the response from teenagers just a few years younger shows the desperate need to educate this age group about dating violence. [...]
Pingback by Breakup Girl » “I would have punched her around, too” — February 23, 2009 @ 2:28 pm
I just don’t get men that abuse women….really don’t get it…do they get some kicks in it or what…anyway by my opinion women should be decisive about birth control and don’t let men boolly them into anything they don’t want…
Comment by Birth Control — September 16, 2009 @ 3:24 am
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Comment by Syheila — January 18, 2010 @ 4:34 am
[...] of its kind, researchers at UC Davis have found (as they have in smaller studies, which BG covered here) that “young women and teenage girls often face efforts by male partners to sabotage their [...]
Pingback by Really, really unwanted pregnancy: the scariest cause « SpeakEasy — January 26, 2010 @ 3:07 pm
[...] of its kind, researchers at UC Davis have found (as they have in smaller studies, which BG covered here) that “young women and teenage girls often face efforts by male partners to sabotage their [...]
Pingback by Breakup Girl » Really, really unwanted pregnancy: the scariest cause — January 26, 2010 @ 3:43 pm
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