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December 29, 2008

Currently at MSN.com: Too Much Texting?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:30 am

MSN datingAsk Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly (boo!) … but now you’ll get two new letters at a time (yay!). So, for December, take your pick of guy drama: one’s written too many texts, and the other has one woman too many…

1. AE thinks he has driven his love away with too many calls and texts

or

2. Am I Being Paranoid, who fears the worst between her long-distance boyfriend and his best gal-pal.

Read the letters along with Lynn’s advice — then come back here and comment below!

11 Comments »

  1. Wow your response to that guys over-texting problem was a godsent if there is such a thing. I have recently been in that situation where I got overly excited and texted, emailed, called a guy that was coming and out of my life. He eventually got sick of it and just told me that he is not interested, after we had spent a great time together, so you can imagine how confused and lost I felt. Its really great to hear that its all relevant and it all depends on the person because I thought we were close enough for us to by-pass all the cooling stages that are required in the beginning of a relationship since he has been coming and going. I thought we could just pick up where we left of and be closer and let him see more of who I really am, but I was shut down every time I tried to get closer to him until he eventually felt he cannot handle me. Very sad story and very hard thing to deal with because I was blaming myself and I re-read all the emails I had sent and drove myself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong.

    So thank-you for that response, I needed to hear that and I feel so much better.

    Comment by Linda — December 1, 2008 @ 11:11 am

  2. I completely disagree with the advice to “Paranoid.” She has not said anything about her boyfriend being emotionally or physically unavailable to her; from what we hear, he’s meeting all her needs while still maintaining a close friendship with someone else. “Paranoid” is overstepping her bounds by declaring that he is not allowed to have close friends. I wish that either my husband or I were so lucky as to have someone like that!

    Her discomfort is not surprising given our cultural expectations of dating, but I wish you weren’t encouraging the not-so-healthy meme that we need to give everything up for one other person. Based on the letter, the only thing this guy has done wrong is tell a little white lie, and given his girlfriend’s attitude I can sympathize with his motivation. (She’s the one being a bad partner- blowing him off at the last minute for “academic commitments?” Sounds like poor planning to me, and is particularly unacceptable in a long-distance relationship. Hope he wakes up soon and drops her!)

    Comment by Sarah — December 1, 2008 @ 1:14 pm

  3. Hey, the link to that first letter “AE” is kinda munged.
    I’m getting “ttp://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=13426464”

    ..which is to say, missing the ‘h’ in http.
    Just fyi.

    Comment by Lulu — December 1, 2008 @ 3:50 pm

  4. Your answer to this poor guy is spot on. You said:

    “Because – while, yes, it is possible to cross a line – “needy” is often in the eye of the beholder. One woman’s ‘needy’ is another woman’s ‘sweet,’ ‘attentive,’ or ‘flattering.’ Bottom line: If you’re just not that into someone, it doesn’t matter how much or little the two of you text. But if you REALLY LIKE someone, just about anything that person does is cute. See what I mean?”

    Yes, that is the bottom line. I was the romatic type who always “called too often” or “seemed needy,” “pushy or whatever tou want to see it as. I lost countless dates because of it and always blamed and crucified myself over my alleged “stupidity.” Hell, some women even told me to my face “you called too much.” Over time, I learnt to play cold mental games like not calling for a week after first meeting her, no more than 1 call per week after that, let her do the chasing etc. Yes, it did yield more success, but I HATED not being myself and putting on a front just to get dates. Needless to say nothing worked out—artificiality always loses in the end!

    Then the right woman came along, and she is now my wife! From the get-go she called me regularly, she would send me sweet emails etc. Being the person I was, and being afraid to lose her, I started the whole “game playing” crap all over again. I am so glad she never broke up with me cos my my stupidity (believed me, she considered it). Eventually, I gave in to my natural self. I too called and texted a lot. It is nice to be myself and not suppress my emotions out of catering to others or even fear (yes, some foolish women are ready to call the police if you call more than once every 3 days)

    I am so glad my wife and I met, thank God we got married. We still have it going for us-She left for 2 days to visit her mom and I have gotten multiple calls from her alredy to say “I love you and miss you.” Guess what, I am not bothered; in fact I feel flattered, reassured and want more of it! Lynn, you are right, when the right one comes along, there is no need to hold back or play games.

    That said, with regards to that poor guy in the article, I don’t blame you for asking him to give it a last ahot, but both you and I know that she will NOT reciprocate and this deal is gone! She was never interested to begin with and the texting provided her the perfect excuse to end it. That said, I am sure when this woman meets the “right guy” she will expect him to call and text her often, after all “it is so CUUUUUUTE, he cares soooo much for me etc etc” Strange huh, how the “right person’s” actions are all “cute,” but the exact identical actions from anyone else (even if meant innocently) are deemed “needy,” “psychotic,” “overdone” and host of other adjectives.

    I can never figure this one out. In any case, I don’t care anymore, I am just grateful I found the right one. No one should play these games forever!

    Comment by Sam — December 1, 2008 @ 9:59 pm

  5. Great news man ! ! ! keep up the good work . . and i have just subscribed

    Comment by андрей — December 6, 2008 @ 10:34 am

  6. […] also led me to think about this little comment [via Breakup Girl] – That prognosis may sound grim, but there’s some good news contained therein. You […]

    Pingback by Self-analyzing oneself to death « The Tiger in DC — December 23, 2008 @ 12:41 am

  7. I like the AE letter and totally agree that what works for one person isn’t going to work for another; texting is just one component of that. I have that dilemma myself … as a single woman, I flirty-text with lots of different guys when I get bored. If I were in a relationship, I could only text with one, right? So he’d have to deal with the frequency with which I turn to the phone when I get bored.

    I turn to emails and blogging when my thoughts run deep, which is often … and can be overwhelming for one person to keep up with. When I hear, “you think too much” I know off the bat that we aren’t going to work out. I have yet to find the man who disagrees with that statement and even loves the way my mind churns.

    Comment by Katla Sanford — January 1, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

  8. I’m glad that I found this article because I am in total agreement with Sam’s comment about what may be overdoing it for some, it may be what makes her day. I was at one point in my life a very loving man and i always wanted to be in communication with my other half. It turns out she did not like that much attention and did not want to be overwhelmed with texts either. I thought that perhaps I was overdoing my projection of love towards her, so I pretty much stopped. I was miserable because I was not me anymore. But i was willing to do anything to show her how much I loved her with the hope of her understanding where I’m coming from and why I was like that.

    Many years past and nothing came about her way of being and thats when I decided to move on. I have reverted to my regular self of being very communicative and my new partner loves it. She may not always return my text but she calls me 3 to 5 times a day every day. I love it and I’ve never been happier.

    I now believe that “What starts up bad, ends up bad” and “What starts up good doesn’t always end up bad”

    One has to follow their instincts. It doesn’t take too much common sense to know when things are good or bad.

    Comment by Manny G. — January 1, 2009 @ 5:59 pm

  9. very nice!!!

    Comment by djweb — January 30, 2009 @ 6:20 am

  10. […] they’re dating long-distance. You can read the column at Happen, check out the comments from the original MSN posting, and comment below! Tags: best friends, gal pals, long distance, long distance relationships […]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » This week at Happen: My BF’s best friend is a girl — October 5, 2009 @ 9:00 am

  11. […] they’ve begun, so what can he do? Read the column at Happen, check out the comments from our MSN posting, and add yours below. Tags: bad habits, communication, text messaging, texting […]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » This week at Happen: Texting the limits — October 12, 2009 @ 9:35 am

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