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Breakup Girl » Now at MSN.com: How do I express my true feelings? Is a motel room quite the right setting?
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March 11, 2008

Now at MSN.com: How do I express my true feelings? Is a motel room quite the right setting?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 5:28 am

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Helpless in Love,” who has met the person she has been looking for her “whole life,” she says. “I can talk to him about anything and in return he tells me everything… I’ve had boyfriends and thought that I was in love, but it was nothing like this. I think of this man as my best friend, my confidant. He makes me feel sexy and pretty. How,” she asks, “do I express how I feel?”

Catch? What catch? Well, there’s this: how might HIS WIFE express how she feels?

Lynn has pretty strong feelings herself. Read on…


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29 Comments »

  1. Oh Please get your own man…..First of all, it’s not a healthy relationship to be with a married man. Second, have you check your conscience? Do your really want to be label the “other woman”? My advice always invest in a good relationship because the outcome is more rewarding and fullfiling. I was in fact, in the other shoes before. It broke my heart
    to know that my ex husband had an affair. Please, don’t just think about your feelings. There are so many fish in the pond.

    Comment by Peanut — March 11, 2008 @ 3:37 pm

  2. Lynn’s comments are right on target. The superman I fell “in love” with was married. I thought I would be someone special to him and would help him escape his loveless marriage. I had a great fantasy going in my mind and he had his cake and ate it too. He became all consuming and for that short period of time, my life was totally wrapped up in him. I would talk to him maybe three times a week and see him once a month. So my happiness relied on 1 hour of conversation a week and 6 hours of visitation a month. I finally woke up and saw how much time I was wasting. After dumping him, I found out he had an affair with another woman for four years. Thank goodness I woke up!!

    Comment by Suzie Q — March 17, 2008 @ 8:33 am

  3. Unfortunately, sometimes the married men do leave their wives. And then, they do the same thing to you. Run away as fast as you can. This is a guaranteed heartache. You will never really be able to trust him, because he has shown you he can’t be trusted. Figure out what it is that you really need to learn here (like why are you interested in a married man to begin with?)- learn it and find someone available to love. You will be much happier. Trust me. I’ve been there.

    Comment by JF — March 17, 2008 @ 9:20 am

  4. If he’s cheating on his wife with her, how many other ladies does he have on his truck route? She may want to get tested for STD’s…

    Comment by ajewel — March 17, 2008 @ 10:51 am

  5. I think I know that lonely trucker. My man told me all the same things including that I’d get over him because he wasn’t worthy of me, that I was so special,. that my love would change his life, etc, you get the drift. I fell hard and fast until one day when I saw him with his wife and family and woke up, also hard and fast. GET OUT NOW! Please, because believe me, you are not the first to hear this line from him. If you continue you risk losing your pride, your self worth, everything that makes you a healthy person. It’s not easy, but totally worth it in the long run. You have my prayers.

    Comment by kathy — March 17, 2008 @ 11:18 am

  6. I can understand exactly what this woman is going through. I am in the same boat. My guy is a truck driver, too. We have been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years. He is 65 and says he is too old to start over after a divorce. He lives in another state. We talk everyday, never less than an hour sometimes 2 or 3 hours. Sometimes he spends whole weekends at my house, other times just an evening and night. Depends on his time. I can’t seem to get the same connection with anyone else that I have with him. The only problem is I wish he would tell me he loved me, or at least cared. It is easier said than done when it comes to telling someone you love so much goodbye. It is not that I don’t want more, it is that I can’t seem to find anyone that can compete with him. Hang in there maybe we will both find someone else.

    Comment by tj — March 17, 2008 @ 11:54 am

  7. I understand all sides of this letter. But what I really don’t understand is that so many advice columns advise to get out, that a man won’t ever leave his wife for “the other woman.” Unfortunately, mine did. Married 14 years, getting ready to build our dream home, a happy, healthy child, good jobs, never argued, so much in common, high school sweethearts.. I never knew he was cheating. And he left me for her. She left her husband of 17 years for him. Except she had done that before but always went back to her man. We had never even hinted of a separation. Now they are married, her kids are older and seem to have adjusted. Mine hasn’t and both of us were left wondering what went wrong? Is there any rhyme or reason to it? I mean, if the common knowledge is that men don’t leave, isn’t it true that some do? Seems after my divorce, I met others who had been cheated on. Some were still with that other woman, some had moved on to other women… Just wondering.. my divorce broke my heart. Just wondering why it is that the main perception is that men don’t leave.

    Comment by lucy — March 17, 2008 @ 1:16 pm

  8. Lynn is right. Get out of this loser relationship. I’m sure he has told you his wife is a b&tch, that she doesn’t understand him like you do, etc. Or, has he told you that his wife just isn’t interested in sex? That’s a good line. Don’t believe it for a moment.

    Been there, done that with a fellow who DID leave his wife. Or, should I say, she left him.

    So, why did it catch me off guard when the man, whom I lived with for almsot seven years, pulled the same crap with me? Even though we were suppposed to have an “open” relationship, “my” man was addicted to lying and cheating. It gave him too much of a thrill.

    Lynn is right. Get a life. And, you know what? Move and change your phone number so “Mr. Wonderful” can’t find you.

    Yep. Funny thing about the guy I lived with. Even though he threw me out after I helped him get his financial act together, he still wanted to know where I was going to live, which, of course, was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. At least I didn’t marry the loser.

    Get out and on with your life before you waste any more time. Get real. You are worth so much more.

    Comment by Cathy — March 17, 2008 @ 1:25 pm

  9. This sounds like you are talking about my husband. He told me I didn’t love him because I wasn’t making it my only priority to keep him happy. I have a job and we have two children one of which is very active in sports and band and can’t drive so I get to be the taxi. Needless to say the children are my responsibility not his. My husband works nights and doesn’t come in until we have all left the house. He wakes up about an hour or two hours after we get home and usually sits and plays guitar for about an hour or two before he goes to work. He claims I don’t make time for him and that we don’t make love often enough. But this past week when we both had a week of vacation he was the one that wasn’t at home. For two days he went fishing with our son, but the rest of the week and weekend he was gone off with “his friend” Maybe it was you. Before you sink all of your emotions into this relationship maybe you better find out how he treats his wife. She may treat the way she does because of what he does to her. If he does leave her for you then you’ll be the wife and you may not like that role. If your guy has children you need to think about what you are doing to them. He should be home spending time with them. But you may be doing his wife a favor she may not want that kind of influence in their life.

    Comment by Shannon — March 17, 2008 @ 2:03 pm

  10. I too fell for a man who I would see once or twice a month on his way up the interstate. I believed that he cared about me, but as Lynn said, you should move on. I am trying to do the same thing. I emailed him on Valentines Day wondering why I had not heard from him, and emailed back saying that he was angry with me for not believing in him. That was a month ago. I sent him emails (of course I don’t have his phone number since he always blocked his phone number on my caller ID) some borderline begging, some humorous, asking him to forgive ME. I just got back from vacation and have not attempted to contact him in a week. Although I still WANT him to tell me how wonderful I am and how much he wants to be with me, I now don’t NEED it. Sure, I miss the good moments, but I realize that if he doesn’t care enough to respond to my emails, then he isn’t worth my caring. It is still difficult to believe that I number one, put myself in this situation, and that number two, it is hard as hell to get over it, but things will get better. Do things for yourself and you will realize how important you are and what he is missing.

    Comment by Kate — March 17, 2008 @ 4:09 pm

  11. run, run fast, and don’t look back.

    Comment by t. — March 17, 2008 @ 4:19 pm

  12. Dear helpless in love:
    First of all, I want you to know that I was in you situation a year ago, I felt the same thing I felt that I was deeply in love with this man and he was deeply in love with me, I have to say that he did left his wife. He lived by himself for 6 months and then he came back with her, because of “the kisd”. He tried to came back with me saying that he was miserable in his marriage and I believe him but he has to make a decision and he won’t so I left him and that broke my heart but now I feel much better.
    Based on my experience I can tell you that you have to do the best for you no matter how painful, you know it in your heart, and the right thing is to leave him, you will suffer, you will cry but believe me you will be fine after a while.
    Don’t do this to yourself, I know you have the courage to choose what is right for you.
    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

    Comment by Vanessa — March 17, 2008 @ 5:57 pm

  13. Lucy, what a great question/comment; I’m sorry that such difficult life experience is what led you to it. Why, indeed, do we assume the men won’t leave their wives? I mean, you’re right: some actually do leave. Some may even leave bad marriages waiting to end, only to find the person they should have been with all along. BUT. The assumption that they won’t leave their wives — and advice based thereupon — is not so much about statistical reality (even if stats do bear it out). It’s more (a) well, not an assumption in the first place, but rather a response to a common refrain of his lover: “He says he’s going to leave her!” (Repeat ad infinitum.) It’s also (b) a guiding principle for the woman (the Other one). Like, ASSUME he won’t leave; the alternative, the opposite, is ill-advised and unhealthy. Or, put it this way: whether he leaves his wife and whether you stay with him now are unrelated. Don’t stay “so that” he will leave her, or in case he does. Because what’s happening now is that you are settling for a fragment of a relationship, being an accessory to a crime of the heart, adjusting your standards for happiness to LOW. So end it. IF he eventually leaves his wife, then you guys can talk. But in the meantime, the only thing being left in the lurch is your shot at true, healthy happiness.

    Comment by Breakup Girl — March 17, 2008 @ 11:40 pm

  14. Thanks Breakup Girl for the commment back. I see exactly what your point is. You are so right. I guess deep down I will always wish the truth in my situation had been that men really don’t leave, and then my marriage would still be in tact… but ironically, and thankfully, you just helped me to suddenly realize and come to grips with something.. if he had been like most, and he hadn’t left for the other woman but kept his “other woman or women,” what kind of life would I have anyway? A fragment of a relationship, just as the other woman would have… I just recently found your page and I enjoy reading your replies. I am glad I found you! Thanks.

    Comment by Lucy — March 18, 2008 @ 9:15 am

  15. Listen, desperate women: there are good guys out here, strong men with real convictions and healthy consciences, who truly want to be the man of your life without cheating on you or dumping you like a sack of meal when we’re through. You need some patience till God sends us your way. I have the incredible honor of being that man for my baby. She never went looking, and today we share something beyond intimate. Breathtaking love, perfect openness, complete trust, mind-blowing kisses. (By the way, we didn’t rush the kissing and we’re saving sex for marriage.) REMEMBER: Good things come to those who WAIT. And if it’s against commonly-recognized principles of morality (hint: think what your Grandma believed), then it’s not going to work out. How many happy adulterers do you know outside of TV fictionland? My girl is so thankful she waited for me. So am I. The unbelievable relationship we share would be impossible any other way.

    Comment by Adrian — March 19, 2008 @ 7:02 am

  16. I’m a married man who has cheated on his wife before. I cheated on her with a married woman. The feelings we had for each other were quite amazing, but WRONG! Her problems at home and my problems at home couldn’t excuse anything! As much as we wanted to be together back then, I had to remind myself that not only am I a husband that has cheated on his wife, but she is a wife who has cheated on her husband. What is to say that it wouldn’t happen again? Be honest with yourself, he cheats on his wife, he will (and possibly does) cheat on you too. I drove trucks across country for three years and experienced some lonliness, too. There are books to read, satelite radio, films to watch, other drivers to talk to, pictures to take of the scenery. Your driver friend has an idle mind. He needs a hobby and he needs to leave you alone! He knows what he’s doing to you and it only encourages his undercurrent ego for you to let him do it! GET OUT GIRL!
    I’ve personally found the love of my life more than once. You will too! Best of luck to you.

    Comment by Brett — March 19, 2008 @ 10:39 am

  17. While going thru ‘helpless in love’, I had the same reaction as Lynn has in her answer.

    This is not a true relationship. A relationship based on lies, cheating, falsehood wiil never last. Oh, that ‘marvellous guy’ has problems at home.

    Of course, he has. How will he justify his belaviour ( cheating on his wife)? This is it.

    “I can talk to him about anything and in return he tells me everything…

    Are you sure that he is telling you every thing or is it every thing he wants to tell you?

    A man or woman who has cheated once , will do it again and again.

    When will be your turn?

    Are you prepared to wait and see him dump you?

    I have gone thru this some years back. And I can assure you when my boyfriend (he was not married) dumped me for another one; words won’t suffice to describe all the sufferings and pain i endured.

    Better be alone all life long, than to be with the wrong person.

    I would strongly advise you to follow the advice of Lynn.

    Comment by Lily — March 19, 2008 @ 10:51 am

  18. Boy, do I know THIS story.

    I fell for a man who was “separated but living in the same house” with his wife - he told me he was getting ready to get divorced but had to get certain things lined up first.
    Supposedly he had “never had such a wonderful connection” with anyone like he had with me, etc, etc, but guess what?

    IT IS JUST SELFISHNESS.

    If a man is a good, caring man, he will END the relationship he is in BEFORE he begins the next one.

    I don’t care WHAT his excuses are, there isn’t one good enough for him to disrespect both you and his wife by “having his cake and eating it too”.

    Once I figured this out, and dumped the fellow, he went straight to another woman, told her the same story, and I eventually found out he had done this MANY many times.

    He wanted to stay in his comfort zone and still get his “wonderful connections”.

    Totally selfish.

    The good news is I am now engaged to be married to a man who PUTS ME FIRST - I don’t have to hide him, or sneak to be with him, I can call him any time of the day or night if I need him, he is ALL MINE.

    That is worth waiting for!

    Comment by Roux — March 19, 2008 @ 12:17 pm

  19. I was the “other woman” and it was like a dream. We worked together, me him and his fiancee. We talked on the phone every night (he didn’t live with her then)we would have relations once or twice a week. I fell in love with him and he said he fell for me. We argued sometimes because I thought it was crap that he could feel the same way about two people at once. I told him that he was only with her out of obligation. He never argued this, but never agreed either. We tried ending it plenty of times, it just never worked out, we always ended up in each others arms again. We finally ended it a week before his wedding, even that didn’t last we had sex four days before his wedding day. On his wedding day I spent the morning on the phone with him trying to convince him not to do it. My objections were ignored. He married her. We taleked almost everyday after he got married, we would talk during his lunchbreaks (I quit after he got married, i couldn’t deal with seeing him eveyday after that) The physical part of our relationship ended but the emotional part continues. He’ll always be the one that got away. So “Helpless”, I know what you’re going through, it is very hard giving up someone you love. I let go a little bit because if he truly felt the way I did, he would be with me. I know he loves me, but it is not the way I love him. So it is a one way love that really should end but I just can’t. I wish everyday he changes his mind, but I won’t hold my breath. I wish you the best, just make a decision for yourself. Think about it this way if he can’t love you the way you love him then that is a lot of love lost on your part. You need to love yourself first.

    Comment by Luzy — March 19, 2008 @ 2:53 pm

  20. Lynn is so right about the advice she gave you. And labeling you the “OTHER WOMAN, HOMEWRECKER, ETC…” is not what we wives would name you…try hoochie, w****, etc… See been in the wives shoe and let me explain where the wife sits. My husband says he loves me and he cheated but honey the other girl is gone, but the damage she caused was this; my son tried suicide at 9 yrs of age (thinking it was his fault) my daughter had suicide tendency because she wasn’t good enuf for her daddy after two yrs of therapy my kids will have to live with this tradegy for the remainder of their lives, then you add my feelings to it, honey let’s just say “you should be on bended knee thanking the Lord Above that I believe in him and him alone getting retrobustion for the sins women like you do to the life of families. If you women didn’t open your legs and have more respect for yourselves we would have less divorces, murders, drugs, and complete disarray of our societies morals and values in this world. I have but three questions for you; 1. What makes you think he doesn’t have a woman in every town, because you won’t change him if his wife couldn’t. 2. Are you that pathetic that you can’t attract a single guy? and 3. Is he telling you “I loved my wife but it just doesn’t work any more, because honey think about it you cost him what no more than $500 a month, that makes you a “pro” any money a taken man (definition of taken man; monogomous dating, promised, engaged, married and or seperated but no papers filed - they are taken!!!) spends on a woman is like hittin the red district area, but leaves no paper trail. Are you buying his load of bull?
    Women like you really need to think, Karma does come back, I’ve done research and it is proven if you screw with someones relationship when you find the man of your dreams it will come back on you. Get out now and make amends by respecting your morals, values, mind, heart and soul. Then set your own standards don’t let this chump or any other chump disrespect you. Would you allow your daughter to date a “Taken Man”? Until us women band together and show these guys that we won’t tolerate this behavior they will continue to do what they do best “bull and sex” you wanna change a man, then change them all we stand firm and teach them to respect womanhood! ***I do believe the percentage of men who are true to their women, honest and loyal are 18% of our total world population. Girls remember they are hunters, it’s in their breeding, not their blood, heart or soul, another words it’s an excuse for the male EGO.

    Comment by Kelly — March 19, 2008 @ 8:26 pm

  21. I think your guy is a rotten person; he shouldn’t be in any relationship, he doesn’t care anyone but himself. He should be talking with his wife about their problems, not a complete stranger to their situation. He’s a coward. He will turn around and do the same thing thing to you. He has a problem with relationships; you don’t need him. He has no values, no morals and he never will. Step back and see him for what he is. Don’t waste anymore of your life on this sneaky, cheating, lying man. Ick!

    You sound like a good person; the right person will come along for you. Be picky about who you chose to spend your time with, it’s your life we’re talking about here - you deserve to have a full loving, caring relationship with the man of your dreams - nothing less.

    Comment by Patty — March 20, 2008 @ 3:02 am

  22. I am a man that has A Girlfriend that wants emotional support so she can get back with her EX that Psycologically abused her. Kind of what he is doing to you by manipulating you but in a negative way.

    MY Adivice knowing MEN, GET AWAY while you still have your heart…

    It will hurt less because you are not in a comitment, I DO Understand what is going through your mind.
    I know you can find justification on why “Lynn” is wrong, It does’t end well. And it gives the good guy a hard time to be able to be with her. Because you want to be with him.

    The perfect man is out there, my brother gave me this advice if “she” or “he” cheats once whats stopping from doing it again? NOTHING!!!!!!

    -GOOD GUY

    Comment by I am a man — March 20, 2008 @ 7:09 am

  23. I am a man that has A Girlfriend that wants emotional support so she can get back with her EX that Psycologically abused her. Kind of what he is doing to you by manipulating you but in a negative way.

    MY Adivice knowing MEN, GET AWAY while you still have your heart…

    It will hurt less because you are not in a comitment, I DO Understand what is going through your mind.
    I know you can find justification on why “Lynn” is wrong, It does’t end well. And it gives the good guy a hard time to be able to be with the her. Because you want to be with him.

    The perfect man is out there, my brother gave me this advice if “she” or “he” cheats once whats stopping from doing it again? NOTHING!!!!!!

    -GOOD GUY

    Comment by I am a man — March 20, 2008 @ 7:10 am

  24. I just read the advice to the woman who is in love with married truck driver. You said in your advice that ‘he makes you feel’ this way or that way. It doesn’t work that way. Everything we feel, we DECIDE to feel. That lady is living in a fantasy that she created about this guy and her feelings are based upon what she has manufactured in her mind for to meet her needs. Since she only sees the guy every two weeks, she has plenty of time to make up who she thinks/ wants this man to be, not who he is. He doesn’t have to say much of anything. The sex is all they focus on when he passes through. She is and will probably continue to ignore what he says and believe only what is in her mind and fits with her needs. Obviously she isn’t ready for a real relationship in real time and there is nothing you can say to change that. The fantasy is all she is probably capable of at this time. I would advise her to ask this truck driver when he is going to leave his wife and marry her, not that it will matter. As long as her fantasy is alive, she will be perfectly happy with him because she is in control of the whole story. The interesting thing is that since she manufactured this, maybe at some point she can manufacture these feeling for a more appropriate relationship with another man. I would guess this will go on for a couple of years. I have been there and done that.

    Comment by DF — April 9, 2008 @ 3:21 pm

  25. I took a moment to read over quite a few of the comments and I read what you had to say helpless in asking for Lynn’s advice. I couldn’t go by this story without leaving a comment of my own. I would just like to let you know that you are not alone in situations like this. I find myself in a similiar situation only a little different when I was 16 I met a man of 24 years old, we were attracted to eachother but he never once told me how he felt for me nor would he attempt to kiss me, hug me, or hold my hand. I distanced myself from him for 6 years and recently ran into him. All the feelings I had for him when I was 16 returned. I am married have 2 beautiful daughters and he is also committed to someone although he is not married, she lives with him. We have seen each other over a 2 month period but he continues to tell me that he will not leave his girlfriend to be with me even as much as we love each other. It hurts to know that after 9 years the love of my life prefers to be with someone else and it’s not me. I find myself trying to distance myself from him, but I just can’t I figure if I stick around long enough he just might leave her. But the cruel reality is that I am just lying to myself and I am not sure if he will ever leave her. I know my relationship with my husband is not good and have tried to leave him various times I only stay for my daughters. Yesterday I made the decision to stop seeing him as much as it hurts me I figure if we are destined to be with each other it may happen someday. I will love him forever and know that he is my true love no one ever has made love to me the way that he has and noone probably ever will. All I know is if I let him go and he comes back I will know that what we have is true love!!! You have to make the decision on your own and what’s best for you no one can tell you what to do not even with all the comments. LIFE IS HARD & LOVE HURTS, but we have to continue on.

    MORENA

    Comment by Morena — April 29, 2008 @ 3:49 pm

  26. My husband walked out on me and our kids at the begining of this year for another woman and her kid. He says that they talk alot and about everything, they are “just friends and it was a couch to sleep on until he finds his own place” yeah, then why have permanent cheques printed up???

    I am in the same boat as the poster who said they never argued, fought, etc. He worked nights I worked days (same situation he is now with her) I would get up at 2am when he would come home to have our time till 3:30am then back to bed till I had to get up at 5:30am. But it was all my fault.

    I doubt he will ever come back, she drinks about as heavily as he does, they work together, sleep together, live together and drink together. Not much to talk about at the end of a day. Be interesting to see how long it lasts.

    Comment by Kim — April 30, 2008 @ 5:47 pm

  27. [...] talking loudly on phone: “I’ve fallen in love so many times and they all have wives! It’s like, even if you can convince someone that you’re the one, they always have someone [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » Overheard in New York (regrettably) — May 5, 2008 @ 5:41 am

  28. Whether you are in Michigan or Florida, California or New York or somewhere in between, you may find it useful to review some common Signs of Infidelity developed by a private investigator to help you get better perspective on your situation and see if an investigation is right for your circumstances. signs of a woman cheating I asked her to be honest with me above all else and I felt that she wasn’t so I bought a spy program. Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you. You feel as if you are being avoided. Also how to tell if wife is cheating…
    http://www.catchyourwifecheatingonyou.info

    Comment by cheating spouse — May 16, 2009 @ 9:19 am

  29. I caught my wife cheating…we decided she could keep seeing him…and I could go ahead and do my thing. We are both happy…and about to celebrate 28 years together. How did I catch her?
    guess how? ;-)

    Comment by Cheating Spouse — July 18, 2009 @ 8:57 pm

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