Had a wife like Frustrated. When we dated in college she was very affection and yes she said she liked sex. Then came marriage and overnight (OK within six months) she stated I should tell her when I wanted to kiss her, then after first child was born, I had to let her know hours before I wanted to have sex with her. Like “Frustrated” we had sex about once a month unless I demanded it more often. Then it was like making love to a porcelian goddess. This pulling away began in earnest 3 years after marriage. The dehumanization process of me started about year 10 continued until we divorced years later. Why didn’t I divorce her earlier? Our sons who I love very much, I am also a soldier and took a vow before God. Finally I challenged her when she started threatening me with divorce. The interesting thing is I never hit her, threatened or even raised my voice in anger when she was trying to get me to strike her so she could justify leaving me. She lives alone now, all children are grown up and gone. She has never had another man in her life. Asexual describes her well and that has been her present state for the last 17 years, but I know she has depression (Psychologist diagnosed her) and suspect something deeper that started before we ever met. I think she was sexually abused by her grandfather on her mother’s side of the family. She never said she liked him, and she never hugged her grandfather the few times I ever saw him. Sadly once again the sins of the father’s was visited upon the children and the children’s children.
Yes, I moved on with my life, and I look back on those years without fond emotions. I love my sons dearly and they were the bright spots. But often at night kick myself for not having the backbone to leave her earlier and take our sons. Of course in the Army that is a lot easier said than done. Like Frustrated I am not squeaky clean but as a man who was faithful, attended church with my family, paid the bills on time, and was home every night that I could be when not in the field I wonder what else could I have done. Short Answer: Nothing
It was only after reading books (Minirith-Meier Clinic and James Dobson) I have learned to recognize the signs of abuse. My anger has turned to sorrow for her. I am smart enough not to try to go back and even try to be friends with her. Because she has done the same to our 3 sons she prefers they stay away from her and she ses them on her terms and when she wants. Noticed she also has trouble having female girlfriends be they Shopping or Telephone buddies.
Am sure Frustrated’s girlfriend is not like my ex-wife, but I am glad you took such a pragmatic approach.
With kind regards,
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