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Breakup Girl » Now at MSN.com: “Call me when you’re skinny”
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March 25, 2008

Now at MSN.com: “Call me when you’re skinny”

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:35 am

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today we meet “Is Beauty Only Skin Deep?”, who has met someone of her own — online, anyway. Endless phone calls, round-the-clock IM, talk of marriage, sheer bliss…at least over optical fiber. But when her fella finally sees her photo (yes, after the M-word comes up), it’s perhaps his true face that shows. His response: “You’re pretty, but can you call again when you lose some weight?”

That, or when pigs fly?

Read the whole shebang, and then come back here to comment!


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131 Comments »

  1. Beauty, my first reaction to your letter was this guy is a jerk and you should dump him fast. But Lynn is right - we all have prejudices and we’re all entitled. Mine is baldness. There might be some really great bald men out there, but I will not be dating any of them. I just don’t like it. Now that doesn’t mean that if I fell madly in love with a guy and he treated me great and then went bald, I’d dump him. By that time, it wouldn’t matter anymore. And I’d probably start finding it sexy. But at the outset? Nah.

    Whether it’s a good or bad thing, appearance happens to be a huge part of the initial attraction between people. And you need to find a guy that finds you attractive just as you are. And there are so many fish in the sea, you definitely will.

    Could the guy have handled it better? Maybe. But then again, maybe the bald honesty is best. This way, you know exactly where the line is drawn. Instead of his making something up - or saying nothing and suddenly not being interested - you don’t have to wonder what happened. You know exactly. And you can now make your decision based upon the actual facts. Are you willing to be friends and consider developing something more in the future if you lose weight [but then what if you gain it again] with someone who has this particular prejudice? Or is it going to make you feel so bad about yourself it’s better to say good-bye and go find someone that makes you wonderful just the way you are?

    Just remember. This is about him. Not about you. It’s his prejudice. So now you get to either accept him with this flaw or decide he’s just not good enough for you because of it. The power is in your hands at this point. Whatever you do, don’t give it back to him by fantasizing he will change or you will change yourself so his prejudice won’t be relevant. You make the decision and then stick with it.

    Comment by Lynn — March 25, 2008 @ 1:00 pm

  2. Beauty, That guy was definately a “jerk.” I have tried the online dating and was in a similar scenario where I talked to someone for a couple weeks without exchanging photos. As mean as I think this guy was, I also think that it’s a mistake becoming attached to someone without knowing what they look like because physical chemistry is just as important as having a lot in common. Good luck:)

    Comment by Mike — March 25, 2008 @ 9:50 pm

  3. I would recommend exchanging pictures early on. Granted, there’s no guarantee that the picture you get is actually of the person you’re talking to. What if Beauty was talking with a fourteen-year-old beast with a deep voice? Who else would have four to ten hours a day to talk and IM: a student, someone in jail, a retiree? And remember that case where the IM/email “perfect man” that a woman was leaving her family for turned out to be a woman? (How Victor Victoria!) Maybe the jerk was a married man just playing online and the weight was his “excuse” to dump her. Thank goodness Beauty didn’t spend money and vacation time to go see the twerp. With everything that happens online, you never really can know what’s what, but you can do everything in your power to try to protect yourself. Caution, skepticism, and photos, my dears!

    Comment by sfnygirl — March 25, 2008 @ 11:16 pm

  4. dumping someone b/c of their weight? well that person must be pretty full of himself!
    im a bit chubby myself as is my BF but we actually WORK on it as opposed to putting the other person down. either you stay and complain or you just yank it. both are equally tacky.

    something smells fishy here and i think its the fella. trying to pull a fast one. u know the deal…and the fact that he had so much time to reel her in? He clearly found another fish that he liked. online dating i’ve found can be alot of buildup in your own mind of what they are. you like the fantasy of the person and not who they trully are.

    Comment by Karen — March 26, 2008 @ 9:33 am

  5. I had a similar experience except the guy had seen my pictures and knew what i looked like. What flipped him out was a 2″X2″ tattoo on my back. My profile said i had tats and he listed them as a “turn-on”. It took me a few days to get over the original WTF? moment. In the end no matter how entitled people are to their likes/dislikes to reject someone you had a connection with over something external is shallow and reveals someone who doesnt understand how a real longterm deep relationship stays functional. Yeah…ok…still a tad bitter LOL

    Comment by DaniJo — March 26, 2008 @ 10:22 am

  6. I may have a slightly different take on this, but hear me out. I do believe love can conquer all, but at the same time, I don’t believe our bodies have been designed to live beyond certain ideal weights. It is not normal nor is it natural when we consider our own evolution and the need to survive. So with respect to being attractive, I do believe there is some level of natural selection/subconscious activity going on whereby people who are overweight are not going to be considered as attractive because this state is not aligned with what our subconscious minds know is ideal in selecting a mate. We are seeking mates for longevity, survivability and the ability to bear offspring which requires a mate who can protect and flee quickly from danger when needed. Additionally, there are the psychological elements that in many cases, people are overweight because of some other thing going on in their life and again, our own mind sense this and realizes, ‘okay, this person may have bigger life issues going on that are impacting their ability to manage their weight’, and again this triggers the natural selection switch. We are programmed to look for healthy in every sense….healthy is attractive. Forcing the argument that people should accept others who are overweight goes against this natural selection switch, and makes it impossible for some people to accept.

    We all known being overweight is not a good thing for our bodies and that this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue for society in terms of health consequences. So when it comes to attraction, I do question, why is it that people ‘should’ be attracted to someone who is overweight, when we know it is not normal? When I search online on dating sites(I’m single), I see at lot of women who are overweight, sometimes more than I do who are at normal weights for their height and I am constantly reading profiles whereby people are say “I’m working on it” or “I’m getting there”. I believe this is great, but my mind immediately senses that this person has some deeper stuff to work on and I also don’t quite figure out why people don’t realize that it is true, if they are at a healthy weight, then they will most likely be more attractive because of this natural selection.

    Comment by dame4net — March 28, 2008 @ 6:21 am

  7. When I was dating and meeting men online, I posted my height, weight, etc. I was brutally honest.

    My husband, yes MY HUSBAND, and I met online. WITH that profile. He knew how much I weighed. He was ok with it. In fact, one of our favorite songs is “I like my women just a little bit fat” by Hudson and the Hoo Doo Cats.

    I know most women don’t like to share their weight, but if you want to weed out the losers who don’t appreciate volumptuous, then you risk meeting the goobers and having them say, “Gosh I like you and all but you are too big.”

    Comment by Mom — March 28, 2008 @ 6:43 am

  8. I have had this happen to me, I have even shown pictures and then met the guy in person and as soon as we met I knew he wasn’t attracted to me and I figured it was my weight. I just move on because i want someone who wants me and there will be that guy I am sure of it.
    I do work on my weight though because there are things that attract me to someone so I can’t dislike someone because they have things they like also.
    I do have a different take on this though, throwing this guy out and moving on, a lot of people put down in a list the things they are looking for in a mate. After a time when they can’t find what they are looking for they look at the list and say “ok is there something wrong with my list or me?” If you want something and it takes losing weight to do then why woulnd’t you do it? NO I am not saying go back to this guy I am saying moving forward. I talked to a guy for a week, even sent him a photo the whole time he was like if this goes some where when we meet we can do this and this. Well not even 10 mins after we meet he is suddenly so busy he works all his days off and doesn’t have time to date. I finally told him to stop with the excuses if he isn’t attracted that is fine just don’t go from “oh we can do this and this too I don’t have time to date I am so busy.” People need to be honest instead of coming up with stupid excuses, my self worth isn’t based on whether they like me or not.

    Comment by Auburn41201 — March 28, 2008 @ 7:28 am

  9. Surely I cannot be the only one here who wonders about the — and I am NOT trying to be mean about this — sheer potential for instability between two people who, after “clicking” for six weeks, talking for 8 to 10 hours per day (I gather this is comprised of both online and phone, though this is only conjecture on my part) are talking moving, marriage, etc., and the guy has NOT seen a picture of this woman?

    I’ve played the cyber-love game, and it’s potentially dangerous. This isn’t because you might meet a freak, although that possibility is always there; rather, it’s because there’s a kind of weird, surreal quality to these relationships.

    We leap in, graduating to cyber-sex or intimate details FAR more quickly than we would do if dating this person face-to-face. It’s because of this curious detachment achievable on the Net, something not possible when our eyes actually meet.

    It’s heady, this euphoria of finding our “soul-mate”, that person who relates to us so well we’re giddy from the mention of their name! We’re so alike, we enjoy all the same things! She loves camping and hiking (or she did before she put on 80 pounds, now it’s difficult).

    HE loves evenings snuggling (or he does until after nooky, when he’s rather read the sports page) and romantic movies (no he doesn’t)!

    People leap into these things, SAYING whatever they want, because it’s so easy to put our best foot forward when typed words and symbols are all the other person is getting!

    Six weeks and he hadn’t seen a picture of her yet? Yes, this guy is a jerk for breaking it off the way he did, but anyone with any sense can tell she was hiding her weight if she didn’t share a photo in all that time and they were supposedly already talking the M-word.

    BOTH of these people need some help.

    Comment by Michael — March 28, 2008 @ 8:22 am

  10. I’m tired of fat people crying that no one likes them or will date them! How about instead of spending HOURS on the computer and phone, she should get out and get active, maybe she could even meet REAL people that way. And why did she wait so long to share her picture anyway? Did she know all along her looks were less than par and so held back? Besides, a lot of people are into big girls, despite the diabetes and heart disease thats surely down the raod.

    Comment by Kelly — March 28, 2008 @ 8:25 am

  11. “OK, then you call again when pigs fly.” only makes an opening for the little man to make a nasty one-line comeback. A better retort, more accurate, but just as satisfying would have been “OK, then you call again when you grow up.”

    Comment by Elliot — March 28, 2008 @ 8:34 am

  12. Wow some people are brutal. Ok I do the online dating. I am up front from the beginning about my weight I have pictures to share. When some guy states he really wants slender or atheletic women, I tell him to move on. He is not going to settle for me. As for the fat haters here, remember the proverb and walk a mile in my shoes before you put me down. Yes there are issues behind our weight, but there must be issues behind your critical attutide too. We all have them. The thing about online dating, take everything with a grain of salt from the beginning. Be honest up front, never expect to much and take it slow. And never talk marriage until you have met face to face. Who knows, the way he/she eats may be a big turn off as much as anything else. Just enjoy yourself and don’t expect to much.

    Comment by Linda — March 28, 2008 @ 8:48 am

  13. BTW - #10 post needs to be deleted due to meanness.

    I’m wondering if the woman was a rookie to the online dating thing? A woman really can’t get away without putting a photo up
    nowadays, although a guy still easily can.

    I know, I’ve been through the exact same thing, and I’ve been overweight since infancy.

    Pre-internet options for meeting others (dating services, newspaper personal ads, etc.) often wasted time in a similar fashion because it was tough or impossible to exchange photos.

    What’s frustrating is that response volume drops dramatically after posting a realistic photo, and rarely do any merit responding - has kids at home from divorce (meaning - needs a maid to do the work his wife used to), at a similar age & education level makes half of what I do (meaning - looking for a sugar mama), etc.

    Comment by Georgina — March 28, 2008 @ 8:56 am

  14. Guys tend to be like that with “heavier” girls, but girls/women are EXACTLY the same way with guys who are short..sad but true, this is life..

    Comment by Sonny — March 28, 2008 @ 9:07 am

  15. I had a similar experience with a great guy and once we met.. there was zip attraction between us!! What a major let down because we had the same “oh my gosh, this person is marvelous and everything I want” deal going on similar to your experience.

    It was a huge disappointment and a harsh lesson, but get the pictures up front and find a way to do a face to face early on before expending the emotional time and energy. It doesn’t really matter that he was a jerk and could have been smoother about it, but lets face it chemistry is vital in any long term relationship.. well unless you want to date your brother?! haha

    Comment by cam — March 28, 2008 @ 9:15 am

  16. What a jerk. I think “Beauty” should tell that guy to go %#$* himself. I hope that isn’t too mean. Men are sooooooooooo shallow. She sounds like a really nice person and deserves someone who respects her and is not so worried about appearance. I would rather be alone than be with someone like that. Because it won’t stop at the weight thing. Good luck “Beauty”. Don’t give up there are a few good ones out ther.

    Comment by Mary Ann — March 28, 2008 @ 9:16 am

  17. Hate to break this to you ladies (OK, actually I don’t) but the opening line of the response “It’s an unfortunate truth of the world that some people have been conditioned to not be attracted to overweight people. It is unfortunate, and it is unfair, and everything else bad you can say about it, but they are entitled.” is completely wrong.

    Society has not conditioned us, evolution has. Men are attracted to women that represent the best chance of bearing their young and caring for them. This means young and physically fit. Notice I did not say “super model thin”. Being overweight brings with it a host of medical maladies along with hampering the ability to run or fight if necessary to protect the young. This is not opinion, it is fact.

    It IS fortunate that this is part of our genetic make up as it helps to propagate the species, and it IS totally fair. What would not be fair is for the strong to parish and the weak to survive, a la affirmative action. There is really nothing bad to say about men who prefer physically fit women. Again, this is a good thing. The same as women prefer men who appear to be good “providers/protectors”, e.g. rich, well built, tall, etc.

    For those of you who by now think that I am some sexist misogynist, I am also a woman. So ladies, if you’re having trouble in the dating world, then it’s time to put down that pint of Häagen-Dazs, and get on the treadmill! I know, I was once there myself.

    Comment by BW — March 28, 2008 @ 9:30 am

  18. I have to say I agree with some of the other posters who are taking a look at the bigger picture here. When looking for a long term relationship, it is so important to be completely honest with your feelings and expectations. If health and taking care of your body are really important to you, it would make sense that you would want to be with someone who feels the same way. My husband and I are very clean people. We like everything to have it’s place and we like to keep things in order. Also, we are on the same page when it comes to balancing our finances. This was not the case with my FIRST husband, however. Cleaning up after himself was not important to him at all and I really believe he thought money grew on trees! This caused a lot of strife in our marriage and we fought constantly on these issues. A marriage is a partnership. As partners, we should have the same goals and ideals so we can move forward TOGETHER. If eating healthy, exercising, and maintaining a good overall physical appearance is important to this man, he has every right to be with someone compatible on this level. Find someone who is compatible with YOUR goals and YOUR ideals. You’ll save yourself the pain of never feeling good enough.

    Comment by Sherri — March 28, 2008 @ 9:34 am

  19. I met my husband online. We both kept recent (within 2 months) pictures of ourselves online. Our first date or two in person we each recalled times where we had connected with somebody online only to discover through photo exchange or in person that they were lying about their weight. Not just a few pounds, but literally hundreds of pounds. I met a guy for a first date at a coffee shop and never would have found him from his picture posted on the internet. He was so large he couldn’t fit into the cafe chairs but had to remain standing. His picture on the net was 10 years old, but he had told me it was “a fairly recent photo of myself”.

    Moral of the story? Don’t lie about yourself. Don’t make it the guy’s fault if the lady in this blog intentionally kept a serious weight problem to herself until the “final reveal”. If you saw a picture of someone online who was of average proportions (not a supermodel), hit it off, then made a date, and then saw a picture of someone 350 pounds and 5′4″, you would balk too. (I know my husband did with one of his dates. He was so angry that he quietly leaned forward and told her that he wouldn’t date someone who was a liar like that, then left.)

    Comment by Serious about honesty — March 28, 2008 @ 9:36 am

  20. I dated online for 2 years after my wife died. I was 55. I published a CURRENT photo and STATED my preferences ( one of which was a few extra pounds was ok ). Over a period of 2 years I met 30-40 women. These were for coffee or lunch, etc. Women sure do have a different take on “a few extra pounds” 5′5″ and 200 isn’t it. Neither is 5′8″ 240, What did you think, that I wouldn’t notice? My WIFE ( whom I met online is 5′7″ 165 ) she told me UP FRONT. Many of the women I met had posted pictures that were 10 years old, ( come on ladies 10 years ago I had a FULL head of hair ). What I encountered was women that were just not going to tell the truth. If you really think your BRILLIANT personality is going to overcome 20 years of gluttony your not living on the same planet as the rest of us. I think the guy reacted about as expected. Women do this all the time to guys that are short, or fat or bald. If you want to meet someone for a long term relationship, TRY being honest with yourself first and then try it in the real ( and cyber ) world as well. People that do this give online dating a bad name.

    Also try this for a definition, if you wear larger than a size 14 dress you’re overweight (not a few extra pounds). If you don’t wear dresses ( because you don’t find anything you like) or you wear a 16 or LARGER, you’re FAT. You’re not going to be able to hide it, and if you don’t tell someone before you meet, they are going to express SURPRISE! Deal with it.

    Comment by Bill — March 28, 2008 @ 9:58 am

  21. I”m glad to see at least some people had some common sense. I was really expecting a bunch of women to be on here complaining about how this guy was a jerk and yadda yadda yadda, and how he wasn’t worth this woman’s time. Balooney!

    I’ve often told my girlfriend, I believe we are soulmates because we connect and compliment one another on so many different levels…psychologically, emotionally, physically, sexually; meaning when I say she completes me she truly does. Sexual attraction shouldn’t be the most important aspect of a relationship but it is a very very important part. Seriously, no matter how nice and funny and great a person is, if you aren’t sexually attracted to them can a relationship really be true love? Should you even try to make that work? Again, I’d say no….a sexual connection between soulmates is something that cannot be expressed in words and to do so would be doing it an injustice. However, I think we must always remember that just because you’ve acheived this sexual connection, doesn’t mean you should take it for granted. My girl and I understand that our bodies and appearances will change; that’s fine we’ll grow old together. However’s there’s a difference between aging and growing old and completely letting one’s self go.

    Having “preferences” may be unfair in some situations and may seem cruel or mean, but we ALL HAVE THEM, and anyone who condemns someone for being true to themselves is a HYPOCRITE…Yeah you heard me Mary Ann!!!!! Everyone has something that just turns them off or doesn’t turn them on; many people happen to be unattracted to overweight people. It’s honesty and like a woman above said, she isn’t attracted to bald one and thus wouldn’t date one…..some thing with this guy, it isn’t being a jerk. Too bad for the woman, because if she wasn’t so lazy and actually took care of her herself, she might have found a great relationship.

    Comment by Jeremy — March 28, 2008 @ 9:59 am

  22. I find I worry that “Beauty” may not take your advice. Consider this. Even if you did lose the few pounds, what happens if it comes back? Are you going to get your heart REALLY broken? “Beauty” should invoke her bias against narrowmindedness with this guy.

    BTW - BW #17 - the idea that thin is appealling has NOT always been the case. Just look at any of the paintings of the Masters from the Renaissance. Or the styles from the 18th and 19th centuries - a “bustle” didn’t make a woman look thin, regardless of actual size.

    Comment by TC — March 28, 2008 @ 9:59 am

  23. Been there done that - I told the guy who wanted a size 4 I was not now nor would I ever be a size 4 (I have no desire and my body structure will never be that). He begged to meet me because he loved my personality. So we met and he hugged me told me how great I was but I was too big - I was a 14 which i told him upfront - now mind you he he 6′4″ and 250 but he wants someone who weighs 60% less than he does which I am fine with. After I leave he talks to me and says he still needs to kiss me to make sure there is no attraction - Please do you really kiss someone you are SO NOT attracted too? So I went back kissed him and then walked away knowing he has issues not me.

    So my advice is this - Your exterior can change but his insides never will - You are better off without him.

    Note to #10 - grow up she may have been a size 10 for all you know - but whatever size she is - she and everyone DESERVES RESPECT - like it or not no matter what your weight, eye color, body style WE ALL bleed red and we all have feelings - so rude is never acceptable. It’s time for everyone to stop accepting disrespectful behavior towards anyone. Those rude “perfect” people need to be taught to be nice - apparently they are not perfect if they were they would not be rude or disrespectful.

    I think that explains it well enough for everyone to understand.

    Comment by Teressa — March 28, 2008 @ 10:01 am

  24. OK girl, here is the truth serum:
    1) you hid behind the screen of the internet
    2) you are over-weight
    3) the guy doesn’t care to date over-weight women
    4) very few guys want to date over-weight women
    5) you could lose weight but choose not to

    now then, repeat these 3 times, then go look in the mirror and say: It’s true.

    Comment by Mr Honesty — March 28, 2008 @ 10:03 am

  25. She knew of her weight issue and kept that information to herself, in hope that he would like her enough by the time he found out not to break it off. She was wrong. The entire situation could have been avoided had she posted weight information in her profile. Clicking the box for “average” is often very misleading. They were both wrong to spend so much time on each other before asking for a photo. He should have said something like, “Sorry, but I prefer thinner women.” In fact, he should have said that in his profile. For all we know, he did. I note she did not reveal her weight even in her letter.
    Evolution has produced men who are attracted to women who appear to be good prospects for bearing HIS children. That means, among other thing, a thin waist that indicates she is not already pregnant.

    Comment by goto — March 28, 2008 @ 10:06 am

  26. The same thing happened to me only it was reversed. I liked the guy but when we met, he weighed about 350(?)pounds. I told him that I was really disappointed that he didn’t tell me this about himself so that I wasn’t surprised by it. I did date him for a couple months. I decided not to judge the book by the cover, but in this case the cover told the whole story. It was sad, but I couldn’t handle it. I was repulsed by the fat. No way around it, fat is gross on a man or a woman and it is very unhealthy.

    Comment by Megan — March 28, 2008 @ 10:13 am

  27. I have been dating a man for over a year. He periodically has put me down for one reason or another, then works hard to pull me back in. The past 3 months we have been together every day (we don’t live together)and while he is on vacation he calls every day. I recently found out that the reason we can’t be romatic is not because of the faults he finds with me but because he is still carrying a torch for an old girlfriend who dumped him 2 years ago but who is still stringing him along. We are in our 60’s so all of this juvenile behavior is not reserved for younger people. After reading all of the comments I know it is in my own best interest to break off with him totally. The problem is most of the time we are so in tune, we even read each other’s minds. We enjoy all of the same things, love to try new things, work extremely well together, play well together and have what he calls the perfect relationship except I am not she. Therefore, we can only be friends. Beauty’s weight is part of the problem no doubt but he may be otherwise involved or feeling crowded and wants to make sure he doesn’t pass up the real thing. At least her guy broke it off quicker. I have used up a lot of energy for nothing this past year. The two things I have learned is I hate to be alone but I refuse to be a fill in while he waits for her.

    Comment by Lois — March 28, 2008 @ 10:27 am

  28. I have to agree with the consensus that this guy is a jerk. Having done online dating myself, it can be very tricky to establish a “real” relationship. I’ve had several not turn out to be who they say they are (and I don’t mean with superficial things-although sometimes that happens). I’ve found that meeting for coffee (or something else short and time-limited) early on can establish at least the physical attraction. Then, if all goes well, you can take it from there. I usually know within about five minutes if the attraction is there or not. Even then, I still want to know what kind of person they are. Some guys sound really good online and are suave at sounding that way because they can edit what they say. I’d be cautious of too much, too fast when you’ve hardly seen the person. I’m by no means perfect and have been fooled, too. I try to remember the saying “actions speak louder than words”. It is SO true. When a guy is really into you, he’ll do anything to spend time with you. I’ve heard this from my married male friends. Don’t settle for anything less. I know, it’s so much easier to give advice than heed it, but you’ll be better off in the end without this guy. In a few months, you may even be wondering why you bothered with such an idiot. You’re a good person and will find someone worthy of your time even if it takes a while. To quote Dr. Phil (not that he always has the best advice, but this is a good one): “I’d rather be alone than miserable with someone else”. You don’t need to lose weight for anybody but yourself. And think about it, if you had ended up married, what would he have done when you were pregnant and afterwards? You’d be miserable! So, in a nutshell, my advice is don’t waste your time and precious emotions on somebody who doesn’t appreciate or deserve you. Let him make someone else unhappy while you go about your merry way. I wish you lots of luck!!

    Comment by Kathy — March 28, 2008 @ 10:41 am

  29. I’m sorry, but why is the man at fault? Being overweight is unhealthy. It also limits things you can do. I would want a potential partner to be able to go on hikes, go indoor rock climbing, go swimming, help on volunteer projects, travel, etc. Someone who is overweight is limited. I am not a particularly active person, but I do like to do things outside of the house. And what about the future? If someone is overweight now, then it usually just gets worse with marriage or children. If someone can’t stay trim on their own, then why would it ever change later? I am going bald, but there is nothing healthy or natural I can do to stop that. I accept someone who will not date me because of it. But weight?!? I want to be with someone who eats good, healthy food. I want to be with someone who skips dessert or goes for fruit. I don’t want to be around fatty, sugary (or chemically) filled foods.
    Now, if someone is naturally big and is healthy, that is a different story. But it sounds like this woman is overweight. Don’t we live in the fattest nation on Earth? Yes. The man was in the right. If she was proud of her body, she would have sent a picture right away. She must not be because she knows she should be healthier. I accept my baldness as part of myself and don’t hide it. She should trim up or accept that people will not be attracted to her for her size.

    Comment by Jay Morrow — March 28, 2008 @ 10:43 am

  30. Beauty -
    I have somewhat of a different take than the others. I hope to be the light at the end of the tunnel for you. I too met a man online, we spoke countless of hours on the phone and on the computer. Iam most definitely over weight although I don’t have like a double chin (lol) and I told him so. I sent him my picture and me his. He came to Colorado all the way from North Carolina to meet me. The night after his arrival he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him! TODAY, is our 10 month anniversary! He left his life to begin a new one with me! After thinking I couldn’t even love him more, I do and he loves me more every day too! So you see? IT DOES work, but only if it is supposed to. Kick that guy you met to the curb and don’t let it get you down. Be grateful that you found out before instead of after, and trust me, not all men are like that. I pray God will send you your knight in shining armor, and if you get discouraged remember my story and remember too. . . “It can happen to you”!

    Comment by DiamondDee — March 28, 2008 @ 11:01 am

  31. I know exactly how you feel, feeling rejected is not fun, he was being honest with you but at the same time knowing you can change the way you look if you want to.. Your heavy because you let yourself go, everyone hits that point in they’re life, I did, I was 235 lbs for 6 years. I finally had enough, I am not the type to exercise every day, i didn’t drink my water unless I counted for the water I got when I brushed my teeth.. Then I went to my doc, she put me on fastin for 3 months then tenuate for a month etc etc etc.. I have lost 75 lbs in 1 year and I feel great, the good thing about this is its a suppresant not a blocker so you don’t gain when you get off of it. You have to be healthy to take it, blood pressure needs to be normal and your levels etc etc.. So my advise to you is, Loose the weight when you are ready, when you have, call him, meet up with him and let him see first hand how beautiful you were fat or thin! His loss sweetie, I know you don’t feel that way, we are so hard on ourselves, I still don’t wear form fitting shirts because mentally I’m still the fat girl. After meeting him then take the relationship to the next level if you can find it in your heart to let go of his comments. But tell him women loose and gain a big amount of weight 3 times in they’re life time so he will probable see you fat again and then thin again, Also how old is this guy? Normal guys get over this in they’re late 20’s, its called growing UP. learn it guys! These type of men is who gives “good” men a bad name, Thankfully I have found a man who likes a bit of meat on my bones, he told me I was getting to thin, I was happy to hear that.. I feel good and look good. good luck, hes out there, p.s treat yourself to a YOU day, and smile it looks good on you!

    Comment by use-to-b-fat — March 28, 2008 @ 11:07 am

  32. It is a shame that your feelings got hurt but as one big girl to another, You know how guys and people in general can be. Stick to sites that cater to the men who are looking for you. I don’t know if you are a size 12 and he was into a size 2 or if you are a size 26. I met my husband, yes husband, on bbpeoplemeet. Every guy on there is looking for a big girl and that can be size 16 to size 50, honestly. I played on line for a while and this site had a bunch of people, male and female who were looking for serious relationships. I also saw some of the most handsome men I had ever seen. A lot of people don’t realize how many men and woman just love having someone with “something to hold on to.” Not everyone was marriage minded but still wanted to a “steady”. There are players and jerks wherever you look. It is up to you to protect your heart. Be honest and unashamed. Looks do matter and sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

    Comment by Lynell — March 28, 2008 @ 11:08 am

  33. I disagree with Lynn on meeting in person asap. When I was single both my daughter and I agreed that we didn;t want to meet anyone that thought the most important thing to them was our looks. So when people would ask for a picture of us - We simply stated: I’m Sorry but if you need to see a picture of me then I am not interested in you at all. (By the way, both my daughter and I were slim and pretty) But we wanted people to like us for show we were not what we looked like.

    Comment by Indigo — March 28, 2008 @ 11:10 am

  34. It seems like an aspect of the weight issue is missing. What about health? My grandmother was obese and I know first hand the many health issues she experienced as a direct result of her weight (her doctors comments, not my assumption). One barely needs to glance at a newspaper to see the evidence - Heart disease, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc. It is incredibly hard on the human body to be obese. I’ve dated men that were chubby to obese and did so because I liked them very much. But, as a prospect for the long-term? No. Because these individuals weren’t able to fully participate in an active lifestyle, were aimed at a nearly confirmed future of avoidable diseases, health related expenses (emotion, time, and money), and an early demise. Which also speaks to the above mentioned comments about underlying emotional issues. Why would you treat and/or continue to treat yourself so poorly? Same question with smoking, excessive consumption of alcohol, etc. It’s a strong, life limiting imbalance.

    Comment by Jennie — March 28, 2008 @ 11:24 am

  35. It’s good to see that I am not the only wearing the same shoes. I have played many roles, the liar, the blind and the fool. I know what it feels like to be on each end. I am 25 and was single till now. I used to be skinny and now I am overweight. Funny thing is that, now that I am overweight, I am meeting more guys than when I was skinny. I think its all in a person. If I was her, I would have just shared my picture from the beginning and if he didnt like it move on. That physical attraction thing is all in a person’s head. I HONESTLY did not think my boyfriend was attractive in the beginning of our relationship but now that I know him for who he is, he is the most handsomest guy I have ever went out with. He has a heart of gold and loves me for who I am… That is what I was looking for. Now we are both compromising of me getting on a diet and he is going back to school. We are planning on moving in together for the summer (I cannot wait).

    In my opinion, if they met up, and he would look into her eyes and would have shared a nice dinner with long conversations as they did on the phone, I think the relationship would have worked. Many people are missing the most important factors in a relationship; Honesty, compromise and love. If you cant be honest from the start, compromise to make your futures better, and love each other unconditionally, then there is no relationship.

    In this world, there is no such thing as the right or wrong answer to relationship questions, there will only be opinions and comments. But the right or wrong answer lies in each person and the decision they make. What needs to be done here, in my opinion, If he cant see her for who she is, she should move on because she will find another. It wont be easy but it will happen! It happened for me and I am pretty sure it has happened for many others.

    I really felt that I can relate to this article in many ways. If this person would like to talk to someone, I wish I could get her email and maybe we can chat for a while.

    And for people who say “She should stop crying and lose weight, blah blah blah…” Its not easy losing weight. People gain weight for many different reasons “Depression, sickness, etc” This person was asking for advice, not for people to judge her or come on here to put her down. The only response she needed and wanted to hear was, what should she do with that situation. Advice her to lose weight is fine, but make fun of her for having all that weight is plain old stupid. Just one person’s opinion.

    Comment by Xiomara — March 28, 2008 @ 11:31 am

  36. I’m SO tired of the fat bashing that goes on in our society. If someone chooses to be overweight–no, it isn’t true what one obviously less than enlightened media-zombie wrote above that “few guys want to date overweight women.” This is yet another classic response of what the media has programmed into the heads of most mindless, senseless people (sheep) in this country. Overweight people should lose weight, why, because YOU have fallen into the mindless mindset that has told YOU that overweight people are not attractive? That’s YOUR issue.

    Not *everyone* in this society is as petty, shallow, and media-mind-controlled as many of you appear to be. Ever ask yourselves *why* you need to judge fat people? Ever ask yourselves *why* you feel that fat people do not deserve respect for their choices in life? A person’s choice is a a person’s choice, not YOURS. Yep, unhealthy, bla bla *insert whatever you use to justify intolerance here* but the bottom line is that fat people are fat, and that does NOT give you the right to judge, laugh at, disrespect, and offer “advice” to them based upon their weight.

    Why is it, that the person who wrote the letter in the first place now is being told how to manage her life, to lose weight, to exercise, by people who are modeling the same senseless standards that is dictated to them by society? Did she ASK for diet advice? Why do YOU feel so empowered to tell someone else what she should or shouldn’t be doing with her body and her life? Can’t stick to the point, hmmm, and why IS that? Too much of a mindless media zombie to get past the fact that some jerk told her that she should lose weight? (By whose standards does she need to lose weight, anyway? Obviously your own small-minded prejudiced judgmental little psyches as you jumped on this like anorexics on a glass of ice water) Too embroiled in the overweight media bashing to focus on anything else that she asked? Did she ask for health advice? Someone said above that the writer should have told the guy to go %$!# himself, but I think a lot more people on THIS forum need to be told the same thing. Get your heads out of your sphincters and stop judging people based on your own media-fed prejudices. Think you are superior because you don’t have weight issues and this entitles you to judge and offer unsolicited “advice” to those who possibly do? What exactly entitles you to judge overweight people, the line of garbage that you are fed by the media which makes overweight people an acceptable target?

    No tolerance, no respect–and THIS is the problem with our society–people like YOU who buy in to what is shoved down their throats by every aspect of the media as to overweight people deserving no respect from anyone. What comes around, goes around. No one wants your mindless, thoughtless media vomit, that is–no one who has a mind of their own and who has respect for other people because they are PEOPLE and they deserve respect no matter how they look. Society, fed this poison by the MEDIA, tells you to judge, laugh at, give unsolicited advice to, and reject overweight people because of the EXTERIOR.

    I think as far as the letter, there were obvious red flags there without bringing the whole weight issue into it. If a man hasn’t met you, and is talking marriage, it’s time to run. This is not an emotionally healthy person to begin with. The letter writer should be thankful that this man showed her who he was very early on in the relationship, but unfortunately for her to get swept away with him in this sort of whirlwind pseudo-relationship, she is as dysfunctional as he is. Unfortunately, our dysfunctions rather than the healthy parts of ourselves, tend to attract us to people in much stronger, more powerful ways if that is where we are at in life. When we can’t see the very obvious red flags, then it’s time for a life lesson which this guy is trying to teach her by his dysfunctional reactions, if she will listen and ask herself what there is to be learned from this situation. Fast and furious burns out just as quickly as it starts, and is a good indicator that both people have commitment-phobic tendencies.

    #29–You disgust me, and you embody the type of judgmental, prejudicial media-zombie mindset that adds gasoline to the frenzied-fire of the overweight bashing idiocrasy that seems to rule the general public. “She should trim up or accept that people will not be attracted to her for her size.” No, sorry, bleeeeeep please take your pitiful judgmental attitude as a consolation prize and go away to live your life as the media tells you to. What she “should” do is to accept that there are morons like you and many others responding to this post out there, that she does NOT want to have in her life, move on, and look for real, sincere people who have climbed a few rungs higher than early middle-school on the self-actualization ladder. Not EVERY man allows this senseless mind-control to permeate and poison his thoughts and actions toward other human beings.

    Comment by Jim Wagner — March 28, 2008 @ 11:40 am

  37. When I was 15 years old and overweight, my father told me “No one will ever love you because of the way you look.” Those words changed my life forever. It changed how I thought of myself, and it changed how I formed relationships. Every single time someone rejected me, my father’s words came back to haunt me.

    BUT … there is a happy ending. I met a man online, and when we met, I figured he’d run screaming from the room like all the others. But he stayed and we talked … and talked. And, 6 months to the day later, we were married. He loves ME for ME, and has not tried once to change me into something I can’t be (skinny). Believe me, it was worth the wait to find the man who loves me unconditionally.

    Don’t settle for anything less. If a man is so shallow that he can’t see past your weight - even after you were discussing how much you have in common and possibly getting married - then he’s not worth having. Wait for the REAL Mr. Right to come along; you won’t be sorry you did!

    Comment by KNowak — March 28, 2008 @ 11:43 am

  38. WOW! Then I must be the meanest person in the planet. I once had a great email “connection” with someone and got completely turned off once I heard his voice over the phone. Yep, his voice was high- pitched, and feminine sounding. I figured best scenario, we’d be great friends; turned out, we didn’t even get that far. Forget the fact he is a smart, highly successful man, I just couldn’t get over his squeaky voice!

    Fact is, everyone…EVERYONE…has their own minimum dating standards. Mine are masculine sounding voices, tall (taller than me), hair on their heads, no baggage (kids, exwives, momma’s apron strings), self-sufficient (job, their own place to live, valid license & a car). Yes, this may narrow my pool of prospects–as I could have missed out on that great guy who just moved back in with his parents b/c he lost his job due to downsizing and his wife cheated on him with best friend–but those are my standards.

    So, while it feels unfair to be singled out because of your weight, think about those men whom you absolutely will not date, because they don’t meet your own minimum…that is unless you enjoy the occasional romp with the meth-addict, no teeth, wife beater.

    Comment by SEB — March 28, 2008 @ 11:52 am

  39. BG-Lynn, your advice was absolutely perfect. He’s got a right to his preferences, she’s got a right to blow him off because of them (which I, too, would strongly encourage)–and yeah, the picture exchange should happen a lot earlier. Those are all the points I would have hit.

    The ignorance about fat people’s lifestyles and abilities on this thread is really pretty astounding. So many people automatically assume this woman is a lazy glutton with limited mobility, which says quite a bit about the conditioning Lynn mentions, evo psych nonsense aside. For all we know, she could be a size 6 and the guy wants a size 0–but even if she’s much larger than that, we know nothing about her eating or exercise habits, her ability to “go on hikes, go indoor rock climbing, go swimming, help on volunteer projects, travel” (psst, I’m fat and love doing all of those things except rock climbing, ’cause I’m terrified of heights), or how many times this guy may have told her it didn’t matter one bit what she looks like before he dropped the axe. We’re going on very little information here, but that doesn’t seem to bother some people, because they hear the word “overweight” and suddenly, they know EVERYTHING.

    Dude has every right not to date a fat woman if that’s not what floats his boat–just as we all have a right to our own attractions and dealbreakers. Attraction is subjective, period–which also means that plenty of people cheerfully buck the cultural beauty standard, because what they’re supposed to be attracted to is not what they’re attracted to, and they know it doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. Besides which, plenty of folks, after assuming for years that they could never date someone fat/bald/red-haired/disabled/blue-eyed/short/bespectacled/whatever, find the RIGHT person with one of those characteristics and fall head over heels. So those of you who don’t want to date fat people can rest easy–no one will ever force you to–but you might want to reconsider your assumptions about how hard it is for fat people to find love in the absence of your approval.

    You also might want to reconsider your assumptions about how fat people get fat, or whether fatness automatically poses a health risk. You cannot look at a fat person and know what they eat or how much they exercise, any more than you can know from looking at a thin person. (Do you people really NOT know any thin people who are sedentary and eat crap? ‘Cause I sure do. And if you don’t want to date someone who’s sedentary and eats crap, you’re going to want to rule out those folks, too, but a picture won’t help.) If you don’t like the look of fat, fine–don’t date fat people. But please, can it with the “put down the Haagen Daazs” and “go outside and get some exercise.” Every fat person has heard that crap 8 zillion times, and oddly enough, your scorn has not helped to make us thinner. Meanwhile, plenty of us are out here living active, well-balanced lifestyles and enjoying great relationships while–GASP!–remaining fat. Others are not so active and others are struggling with demons like we all do, but they manage to find love, too, because there’s someone for everyone. Fat is not a romantic death sentence. It only means you don’t get to date people who don’t want to date fat people. Which works out just fine for everyone.

    Comment by Kate Harding — March 28, 2008 @ 11:54 am

  40. Dear Lynn,
    As much as I agree with some of what you and others have said, I wouls have to post that the internet is destroying dating in general and this is a clear piece of ammo to uphold what I’m saying. I’ve been internet dating awhile and have found you can be anything you want online, if you are intending on meeting someone BOTH parties need to be as honest as possible. Honesty in women’s eyes it seems is only what/when they want to hear it. Men seem to not like certain situations of honesty but take it better.
    There is nothing worse than like what happened to both of them…he was dissolutioned and she was broken hearted…because honesty was not maintained. I also agree with the thread about meeting sooner, we as mena nd women build up a false impression because we want that person to be “him or her”.

    Comment by Dan — March 28, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

  41. This person was not very nice; if they had exchanged photos earlier it could have been less painful. If you check these dating sights out, they ask for your particulars including weight, I think one or the other was stretching the truth.

    Comment by Brian Kew — March 28, 2008 @ 12:17 pm

  42. Ask Lynn was wrong in her response to “Beauty”.
    Ok,before everyone jumps down my throat. I used to be height/weight proportionate but over the years I’ve gained weight. I’m a chunky woman ok. I’m not denying it. And I know that’s why I don’t have a BF. Women’s magazines and books makes millions $$$ each year telling women how to get a man, how to keep a man, how to read a man,Cosmo tells us how to get our man to “open up”, and on and on. OK, men are really not that complicated and we women are just wasting our $ buying all these books. You don’t even have to be that pretty. You just have to be THIN. That’s right, crucify me now. YOU HAVE TO BE THIN. I’m not talking model annorexic. If you eat healthy and work out everyday. (Like I did before I got fat.) Men will flock to you. Even with an old t-shirt, jeans and no makeup on at the grocery store! Yep, I remember those days. It really is much harder for men to get women. B/C we want the college educated, good looking, good with the $$, good job, nice car, nice dresser GQ kinda guy. Men don’t care about all that. They just dont want you fat. So if you wear a size 10, that’s good. But if your 5′ 3″, your probably too fat. We women can be college educated, good job, nice car, good personality, sense of humour and the rest. But if we are like Miss Piggy, VERY FEW MEN will be interested. Its a double-standard in our society I agree. I have seen many portly porkers with miss Thang on there arms. Lynn Harris just needs to get real and tell the truth to “Beauty”. Its not anything you said, Its your weight. Now I would not go back to that guy. I agree with most bloggers, he’s rude. But at least he was truthful. Guys really are superficial. Its probably 80-99% looks with men. Women its the other way around. And believe me Beauty, when you do lose those pounds, you won’t need to look for love on the internet because they will come looking for you! Good Luck!

    Comment by Kelly — March 28, 2008 @ 12:21 pm

  43. Dear Beauty,
    As a woman who is plus-sized and the product of a very happy 6 year marriage to a wonderful man I met online… let me tell you, lose this guys number, e-mail address and anything else related to him and erase him from your mind. Good men who will love you for you are actually still out there, they may just take awhile to find but the effort is definitely outweighed by the feeling of finding the right person for you. I will say that it is probably important to be upfront with things from the get go. Your former beau probably had his own mental image of you that would more than likely be hard for ANYONE to live up to. That’s his problem - NOT YOURS.
    I wish you the best of luck in finding the right relationship for you.
    All best!
    Lisa Mathis

    Comment by Lisa Mathis — March 28, 2008 @ 12:24 pm

  44. hahahaha Kate,I like you! :-) hugs

    I am fat (5 foot and a size 26/28) and currently dating a man online. We have exchanged pictures,talked on the computer,talked on the phone, AND talked on cam. He knows exactly what I look like,and he said “So what? You see me running?” He is gonna visit me in June (he’s in Iowa and I am in NY) I am looking forward to the meeting and seeing how things go.

    Ok,I am used to the fat bashers……that is their problem,not mine. I hear all the BS about the natural course of mate finding,and the natural evolutionary weight preferences of stone aged Fred Flinstone type guys who like skinny child bearing women who can give them an heir to carry on their male egotistical masochonistic ideals….

    Some women aren’t any better either.Is it that they feel threatened for some unknown reason? Maybe because they know that if they stuck a twinkie in their skinny size 0 mouths,that they might end up gaining a few needed pounds or *gasp* might end up looking like me…. (see how judgemental that sounded? Not a great feeling is it?) Opinions are opinions and all are entitled……judgmental cruelty is uncalled for however. You have your preferences,and I have mine. I don’t go around telling people how to change what I don’t like about them. You can’t change a person to fit your ideal vision of an ideal cookie cutter world. All of us the same height,the same weight,the same likes? Sounds like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.

    Instead of I Robot,guess it should be I Skinny

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 12:31 pm

  45. Dear Beauty,

    Love can happen on the internet. Keep searching for the man who loves you for who you are. I met my fiance online and we emailed/talked for a couple of weeks before meeting in person. I never posted my photo online because we live in a small town and I am a private person. Our first date was fun, we had two more, and decided to try to make it work long term. We just bought a house together and are getting married in September.

    I had dates with two other men that I met online, and while they seemed nice, there was no connection. I don’t know if it was a weight issue, or not, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that it wasn’t a good fit. You just need to find that person who is a good fit for YOU, and I think the internet is a good place to find it.

    I definitely recommend sticking with your principles. If you have not posted a photo for whatever reason, that’s ok. But make sure you are honest if asked what you look like. And I think that looking within a two hour radius is best so that you can meet after a couple weeks of email and a phone call or two. It doesn’t make sense to prolong it if you are close distance-wise. There are often connections online that in person don’t work, so it’s a good idea to meet quickly for a coffee or dessert, or some quick date that doesn’t require a lot of time so that if it’s not a love connection you aren’t stuck for a 4-hour movie and dinner.

    Good luck!

    Comment by Altaira — March 28, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

  46. I love the justification of “a Few Pounds” A few is 3. If that is all he is complaining about, dump him. However, I think not. A few in female weight loss can amount to 30 - 40 - 60 pounds. Which is it? And be honest with yourself and then wonder why you have to go out on the internet to find your someone. I’m no prize in the weight catagory, but I hate the poor poor me syndrom when a mirror will tell all. Lose the weight and gain the power to choosel. You’ll be surprised at how you feel about yourself and others around you. Be Proud be Loud, but most of all be honest with yourself.

    Comment by S M McDaniels — March 28, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

  47. I have yet to meet anyone that doesn’t have some kind of hangup about what they find attractive….what I find disturbing and ridiculous….two people talking marriage and moving and only 6 weeks of phone conversations and chatting online….and the fact the the man hadn’t seen a picture of her in 6 weeks. He clearly has issues….but being offput by her weight isn’t one of them..as for the lady…same deal….they are both idiots that weren’t thinking rationally.

    Comment by TFowl — March 28, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

  48. Or, could it be that he doesn’t want to date anyone who cares so little about herself that she is obviously very overweight???

    Comment by Bob Santor — March 28, 2008 @ 12:55 pm

  49. Attraction is indeed subjective, and we should all be free to pick and choose within those attractions without being called insensitive. I’ve rejected women who were too heavy (although I’m not looking for Ms. Fitness Freak), but I’m perfectly fine with women who have small breasts. I’ve been rejected by women who thought I was too short (I’m 5 feet, 8.5 inches tall), and have dated others who were two inches taller than me and didn’t have a problem with it. It’s all a matter of finding than one who loves you for you, because we all have our preferences. In this case, she should have had up to date pictures in his inbox on a weekly basis, if they were that into each other in conversation. She wasted both her time and his in hoping that the emotional attraction would overcome the physical.

    Comment by JTM — March 28, 2008 @ 12:56 pm

  50. Bob,who says she doesn’t care about herself? Are you in her bowl or on her plate? Are you standing on the treadmill with her? You have no idea of her daily routine

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 12:58 pm

  51. Yes, it is true that being overweight has it’s health issues BUT, there are men out there that do not like skinng or thin ladies and ladies that do like skinny or thin men. Do not allow this man to discourage you at all, please. I am 5′2″ and weigh 240. I am pretty, sexy, fun loving and have a man that will not, will not find me attractive if I were skinny. He is 16 years younger, I am 59, and loving life. They are out there my dear. Look for a nice Latin man! They LOVE ladies with some junk in the truck !!!!

    Comment by Elizabeth — March 28, 2008 @ 1:02 pm

  52. Honesty, though sometimes painful, is still the best policy.

    Comment by WALTER — March 28, 2008 @ 1:03 pm

  53. HONESTY, THOUGH SOMETIMES PAINFUL, IS STILL THE BEST POLICY FOR ALL CONCERNED.

    Comment by WALTER — March 28, 2008 @ 1:04 pm

  54. I read this on MSN… Oh my god!! Could he have been a bigger jerk?? Whatever happend to “beauty fades, intelligence lasts forever”??

    I am sick to death of these callous shallow people… We come in different shapes, sizes, colors etc for a reason people!! It’s called diversity!! Get off your high horse and come down to earth for once! Remember we end up looking like our parents in the end!! So if you really want a cruel joke look at how they turned out in their middle age (saggy tummy, hefty whatever) and remind yourself that you may end up looking like that at some point and then who will want you??

    Love and like someone for who they are inside… You might have a pretty cover on your book but you could be the dullest and blankest thing this side of the moon. GROW UP people!

    Comment by Lindsay — March 28, 2008 @ 1:08 pm

  55. I’m a guy. My first and last experience with internet dating were difficult, because feelings got hurt.
    The first one. I didn’t get the photo until I was quite involved. When the phot arrived, I was shocked to see that she couldn’t have been more calculated to turn me off. It wasn’t anything she or I could do anything about. She was pretty, sexy, had a great figure and I couldn’t imagine kissing her. It was just some chemical response that made it impossible. I don’t try to understand or need to defend. It just was. What I was deeply sorry about was the pain it caused her.
    So, my internet motto became “photo first, then contact.”
    The last internet debacle was with a woman I was deeply attracted to. To be sure I wasn’t getting a ten year old photo, I asked her to send me a photo with spececifically contrived to prevent such distortion.
    All good. When we met, person to person, I was devastated to see that her every single thing that could turn me off that wouldn’t show in a photgraph, was abundantly present.
    Once again, bad chemistry. I tried overa period of several weeks to connect the woman I “knew” so well by e-mail and phone, but it was no use.
    Chemistry is what it is.
    No one is to blame in this process. The guy who didn’t like overweight isn’t going to be happy with a girl that is. I have several guy friends, winners in every way, who prefer big girls. Check out Pierce Bronson’s wife.
    For every body type there is a guy or girl who is attracted.
    Datingis tough. Few go out of their way to be jerks. We are all a bit fragile, but I do agree that meeting early on, and bluntness are important.
    Good luck to all,
    Ted

    Comment by ted box — March 28, 2008 @ 1:18 pm

  56. Okay, so if this girl loses weight the guy will date her? …and what if they get married and she gets pregnant? Her body will change even if she exercises and keeps her weight down. Your body also changes as you age. Some parts sag, wrinkles appear on your face and hair diappears off of your head and appears in odd location on your body.

    I wonder what the guy looks like. There are people out there that set very high standards however they are not all that great themselves.

    Anyway, I think this girl should forget about that guy. He is obviously very shallow and not worth the attention.

    Comment by Brenda Willis — March 28, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

  57. Why is it that woman who are not fat because of some medical condition so upset when men have a problem with their weight? Are they on a different planet? Being fat is not normal and most guys given the chance will take the shapely over the overweight. This is no mystery! Some woman would rather succumb to their appeites than get laid. Then they have the nerve to get upset when someone who they find attractive is repulsed by the fat. This is not rocket science. Give me a break. When my wife got fat ,I told her she needed to loose weight. She was upset but I had choice to make. Either live unhappy and find a lover or she could get back in some reasonable shape. She got back in shape and we are still happily married.

    Comment by Ben — March 28, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

  58. Most guys don’t want heavy babes. Unless of course they are larger themselves. Just reality. While the recent move to accept larger people proliferates, and, while it is good to feel good about yourself-self love and all it’s just too much. To me personally it is a biut of a cop out. When 50% of Americans are overweight it’s a just a bit much. Maybe being overweight in the frozen tundra would be good to keep you warm, but most of America is frosen over and people are just simply lazxy and take the easy way out. Being a bit fleshy is acceptable being fat is unacceptable and irresponsible. Sorry. Everyone deserves love, just be up front in the beginning and you won’t be let down. Let’s face it most guys don’t fantacize about fat chicks. Buxom and fleshy…okay. But fat? I don’t think so. This is areality check not meanspirited. Some of the nicest most loving people I know are overweight. I just wish they’d show themselves the same love.

    Comment by mal — March 28, 2008 @ 1:20 pm

  59. My wife and I met online through an adult chat room. We talked for several weeks and hit it off really well. We exchanged photos and even went cam to cam after this period. Most of these websites have private cam to cam hookups available. It verified the pictures and gave a little facial expression to the chat windows. We kept the cam views clean with no flashing, yes kids could have watched, lol. We agreed to met after about month. People type and think differently sometimes in chat windows because they have a little more time to come up with cutesy answers - due to time delay (excuses for delays in responses I have received) but face to face their personality sometimes changes. You can see that they get crazy with a few drinks. In this case though, I have a problem on both fronts - was she upfront about her size, was he upfront about his likes-dislikes in his profile or her profile upfront, why wait so long to exchange pictures especially after spending so many hours online together? I think if her profile was accurate and his wants were lacking, then he is a jerk who is probably one of those that just likes to play online games for his personal amusement. My wife is 5′5″ and was 170 pounds when we met. She has lost the weight and put it back on due to some new medications she is on, all while we were dating and since marriage. She was slightly overweight, not obese, when we met but her personality and self assurance in her likes and dislikes, what she said she enjoyed she did, were consistent with her profile. I dated a few before her that their profiles had entries in likes/dislikes were just the popular things of the day - I like romantic walks along the beach (when you go hates to walk barefoot on the beach or sand in their clothes, wind dries out their skin) or likes to cuddle while watching movies (favorite teddy bear or cat/dog).
    I say exchange recent pictures of you after a few chat sessions - be upfront yourself always - “to thine ownself be true” and have a web cam to go live after a few more chats. If they say don’t have one then agree to a very public meeting at one of their “likes” and have a friend go in near the time of the meeting armed with a picture you received of your date to check accuracy. They call you on cell to verify accuracy or opinions they may voiced earlier. They also get a table nearby as a safety valve - on signal they could walk over and say “hey so and so, how you been? I have not seen you since whatever…” in other words they are your safety valve/security coverage. My wife used this for our first and second dates. I found this out after about two months of dating, I found this resourceful and foreward thinking on her feet. She had a way to end the date tactfully if going no-where and someone who could aid in sounding the alarm if something went wrong all without me being the wiser. We have been married now going on five years.

    Comment by Bill — March 28, 2008 @ 1:23 pm

  60. Ben,you are so rediculous,that it took me a few minutes to post this because I was laughing so hard….

    You would take a lover because you’re wife gained some weight???? Apparently, for better or for worse means diddley to you. God forbid if you ever became something she hated…..maybe she’ll have to find a better man then. Good grief!

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 1:26 pm

  61. Mal,what is your definition of most?

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 1:29 pm

  62. I can speak from personal experience that if you’re meeting folks online, exchanging photos early is mandatory. I wonder if Beauty suspected she might be rejected for her weight and that’s why it took her so long to exchange photos to begin with. I’m a big girl and met my husband online. I was honest and had a recent, full length photo that had NOT been through some glamorshot makeover. No point in trying to persuade someone to accept you as you wish you were. Either they love and want who you are, today (not in some fiction or a hoped for future) or they don’t. If they don’t, move on. If I lose weight, he’s supportive. If I don’t, he’s supportive. Sorry she got hurt but truth in advertising is always, always, always the way to go.

    Comment by Eileen Dover — March 28, 2008 @ 1:35 pm

  63. I would suggest to Beauty that she stick to dating sites that are geared to BBW/BHM and their admirers. I am a heavy woman and I wouldn’t consider going on a site that didn’t specialize in heavy people.

    Against my better judgement, I tried Match.com because there were so many men from my area. During 6 months I received one Wink. I replied but didn’t get anything back. I had a photo, he could see what I looked like. I figured that the men on that site didn’t want an overweight woman. It really killed my ego because on a BBW/BHM site I get mail fairly often. I removed my profile from Match.com and I am sticking with my BBW/BHM sites because I enjoy corresponding with the men who are looking for somebody like me.

    Also, photos are a must! I have a few posted and not just from the neck up. If you don’t want to be let down post full body pictures, can’t hide those hips if you’re not sitting down! LOL

    Comment by RB — March 28, 2008 @ 1:43 pm

  64. First off, I think it’s a little concerning that you guys were talking about moving, marriage, etc. when you hadn’t even met or seen each other in person, and after only six weeks of knowing each other. That’s a huge commitment when you barely know someone (yes I know there are success stories out there, but these are more the exception than the rule).

    Secondly, I’ve never understood it when people refuse to post a picture of themselves on an online dating site. It’s like buying a car or a house “sight unseen”. A person can write the sweetest words and sound great on their profile and on the phone, but being physically attracted to someone still plays a crucial role in the formation of romantic relationships (at least at the *beginning* stages). And yes, this goes for women as well as men (lots of research to back this up).

    We all have preferences for what we find attractive: tall/short, skinny/overweight, blonde/brunette, etc. Being overweight has been scientifically associated with a score of health problems. So has smoking, doing drugs, etc., and many people of both sexes are turned off by those who fall into these categories. These are not prejudices; these are preferences, and we’re all entitled to ours.

    Your story is heartbreaking in that you felt you had really formed a strong connection with someone, and that this guy could have been “the one”. I feel a lot of empathy for you for what you’ve gone through, and I agree with those who have said you deserve better. I hope you find someone who will love and accept you for who you are.

    Comment by db — March 28, 2008 @ 1:43 pm

  65. I have to comment on this one.I once met a woman online. We even exchanged pics ( or I thought). She lives in the US ; I in Canada. We arranged to meet at a border crossing. I had arranged a job for her and she was going to start a new life in Canada….with me. What a shock when we met briefly. US customs saved me though. She was 300 lbs bigger than her pic. and customs would not let her leave the country because of outstanding warrents for fraud.Thank God.I could never imagine me in bed with a woman 300 lbs heavier than myself.

    Comment by BRUCE — March 28, 2008 @ 1:49 pm

  66. Wendy,please address the issues that I raised. Some woman would rather stay fat than get laid!You are a typical woman who does not want put the blame on women for being too lazy to care about what their significant other is getting out of a relationship.

    Comment by Ben — March 28, 2008 @ 1:52 pm

  67. Can you say PROVOCATIVE?

    So painful to see how many posters - male and female - have suffered when it comes to love/trust and body image.

    One more alternative for Beauty to consider above and beyond “dump him” or “deal with it” is DISCUSSION. In other words, ask the guy about it. Have an honest conversation with him and try to help him understand why weight was the dealbreaker when there was obviously so much more to the relationship (I’d put down $$$ than he was scared to make virtual love a reality). It may never work out for you two, but maybe you can give him and his next love - as well as yours - a shot at a deeper and more meaningful connection.

    So sorry, lovely Beauty, and hope your broken heart heals ASAP.

    Comment by WendyWay — March 28, 2008 @ 1:56 pm

  68. There’re 2 kinds of honesty, honesty with love and honesty with hate. Telling someone they’re fat is honest, but it’s hurtful. The guy was just a jerk about his approach; prefering thin women does not make a jerk. I seriously doubt, Ms. breakupgirl, that it’s only over a ‘few’ pounds. I’ll bet it’s not even a few kilograms. In fact, I’m guessing that we’re talking in the 50+ pounds range. You can’t expect someone to agree to marry someone else who is obese. That decision is completely up to them. Women aren’t that deep either. Previous comments have mentioned baldness and shortness as deal breakers. Neither of which the man can do anything about.
    How do you tell someone with love that they’re fat ? Ask them if they are strong. A strong heart, lungs, and legs are what’s really important. It means you are healthy and consequently you also have high self-asteem. Skinny people should also ask themselves the same question.

    Comment by KaBone — March 28, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

  69. Ben,

    I never said that some women are not lazy. I have a neighbor that if she had her way,she would have everyone around her do everything for her while she sat back and did nothing.

    But to denote every fat woman as lazy is just plain rediculous and completely idiotic. And the fact that you would turn your back on the woman that you supposedly love because of something as stupid as extra weight and you’re hormonal need for sex… *rolls eyes*… is very truly sad. That doesn’t say much for you,my dear.

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

  70. I’m with Sonny (post#14). What’s the difference between this and a woman rejecting a man because he’s too short? I’ll tell you the difference… you can’t change your height, but you can lose weight.

    Here’s one for you… I was rejected by a woman once because I’m too short for her… and she’s an “A” cup. Mind boggling to me at first, being rejected for a physical reason by a flat-chested woman, but as time went on I began to realize that I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t find me attractive. It’s that simple.

    Comment by Justin — March 28, 2008 @ 2:03 pm

  71. Ok. For those who keep saying “You could lose the weight if you wanted” or some other variation of the same, you don’t know the whole story. Don’t judge her. As for the man, he should have stated his weight prefrence from the start. They both should have exchanged pictures earlier. I’m overwieght myself, but I let people know from the begining, and if they don’t like it, I say thanks and move on. No hard feelings. I have had men see my picture and write me even though their profiles state clearly that they want someone slender, and I write them back and explain that I’m not what they seem to be looking for, and let them decide from there.

    And I gotta say…WHAT were you thinking talking about marriage without having met face to face?!?!

    Comment by Shawn — March 28, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

  72. This wasn’t the best ending since after your conversations, you probably had an ending all planned, but why are you calling him “prejudiced”?

    1) some guys/gals only like blondes, or tall thin dates, some guys only date girls shorter than them, many girls won’t even look at a guy who is shorter. Some guys like the librarian look, others only date goth chicks.

    2) This is a guy with a personal preference, NOT a bigot.

    Maybe the “poor me, everyone picks on me because I’m over weight” attitude came thru. That said, get over yourself and move on.

    Tell your friends you want to meet someone and what you’dlike in a guy. You’d be surprised how many guys they know and how much help they will be.
    Don’t dwell, and get out and circulate! You’ll do better in a 1 to 1 than in cyberspace.
    Best of luck!

    Comment by Jane — March 28, 2008 @ 2:08 pm

  73. I too reacted the predictable way when I read this girl’s letter…What do a few pounds matter? And are men so shallow that they can’t see past the extra pounds?
    I don’t know how much extra weight “Breakup Girl” is talking about here, but I know, from personal experience and from a close friend who is married to a 400-lb. guy, that people (men and women) who carry around massive amounts of excess weight come with issues that are hard to deal with for anyone who is not in that space. Compulsive overeating (binge eating, etc.) are often symptoms of a very negative body image, self-loathing,repressed anger and a need to feel in control (”nobody is going to tell me what I can’t eat”) - and some of us are aware of the damage these issues can do to a relationship. I have no problems with someone who is slightly overweight (I am 15 lbs. “overweight” myself but very fit), but I would hesitate to pursue a relationship with someone who carries around an extra 100 lbs., because I simply would not know how to deal with the issues.

    Comment by Pierrette — March 28, 2008 @ 2:10 pm

  74. Wendy, I respect what you are saying. I dont believe that it should be as I have stated. But the fact of the matter is that men prefer shapely over fat or large or whatever you want to call it. Until woman “get” this they will always wonder why they don,t have as much success dating as they could or should. It is not rocket science.

    Comment by Ben — March 28, 2008 @ 2:13 pm

  75. I would like to relate a story, if I may:
    When I was 13, I rode a bus to school. There were 2 sisters that rode that bus with me, one I was physically/emotionally attracted to, the other was quite a bit larger. I didn’t discuss *girls* with my family at that age.
    One day my mom comes home from the hairdoo place to tell me a girl she knows likes me. OK, I’m intrigued. Who? “She lives in the house behind us.” (remember, there’s two that live there), so I asked “Which one?” Mom says “Does it matter? A girl likes you.”
    I said “Of course it matters, is it the pretty one, or the fat one?”
    Mom about knocked my teeth out with a slap! She said I was ugly and shouldn’t think like that, I should be happy she liked me at all.
    Well, I want to say: “NO ONE EVER TOLD ME TO HATE BIG PEOPLE!”
    I didn’t know what prejudice was. (This was 1973) I didn’t know I was. I knew little of nothing about girls, but I knew what got my attention:
    Pretty hair, smiling eyes, quiet (meaning not a screamer on the bus) liked me back, clean teeth, a little shyness, calm.
    See, we didn’t deal with boobs or sex yet, so what a girl brought was her looks and personality, training.
    The girl I liked in that house had what I was looking for, not the fat sister who was a screamer on the bus, who chased boys at school and I personally found obnoxious. (she could kill me.)
    Kathy lived right next door. She was pegged Matt’s sister. Not fat, or skinny or pretty or anything, but a screamer. I didn’t like THAT.
    Today, I shy away from smokers, or drunks, or loud, obnoxious people. I enjoy a sweater more than a bikini.
    My grandmother told me once when seeing a “half dressed girl” this: She brings to the relationship what she thinks she has. If she doesn’t have training or education, she believes the only thing she has to offer is her body.”
    We all have people who have influenced our thinking, good and bad.
    I know a girl who is 300# at 5′5″ and enjoys herself, lives fully and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. She’s married. I like her a lot.
    To know about me: I am 49, married for 28 years. (Same girl, no arithmetic needed) I’m 6′2″ weighed 126 at graduation, (1979) her,5′4″ at 160. In 6 mths of marriage I was 190, and looked better than ever. (See, I never ate regular meals before) Her still 160
    AFTER our first child, she went to 200 lbs for 10 years until our second arrived, now it’s 240/250, see, she won’t tell. That was 13 years ago. She is still 240ish, still 5′4″. I still love her, but she don’t. Won’t get undressed in front of me. Sex only in PITCH BLACK room, so I won’t *SEE* anything. Wears a size 16 to 18.
    I injured my back 14 yrs ago, had shots and grew 30 lbs. Can’t get it off. I should be 190. I’m overweight. SHE’S OBESE
    If the guy KNOWS what is to come, why would he WANT this scenario.
    There’s an old saying to know what she’s gonna look like in 20 yrs, meet her mom. My wife is her mom, and so are her two sisters.
    It’s because they grew up with the same habits, diet or lack of it, exercise or lack of it, stressors, etc. and were accepted as being like everyone else.

    Comment by James — March 28, 2008 @ 2:21 pm

  76. Ben, You don’t BELIEVE it should be this way???? When you are helping it along on it’s current path???? You are perpetuating the situation. You sent your wife…..and us…. a very clear message. Sex and looks are more important to you than love. Love apparently doesn’t conquer all,it’s just a convenient standby for the next best thing with a great body. I wonder why you ever got married in the first place. Like I said before,take care that you don’t turn into someone your wife decides to ditch 5 or 10 years down the line cause she hates your receding hairline or you start to pudge out around the middle.

    Comment by Wendy — March 28, 2008 @ 2:24 pm

  77. Go Lynn! I am glad I read your advice and discovered you just now on Msn.com. I’m a new fan.

    I also appreciate how you wrote “good for you!” to the advice seeker after she found someone through the online dating. It’s so hard to put yourself out there, and this comment really shows you understand people’s vulnerability through dating.

    Thank you.

    Comment by E — March 28, 2008 @ 2:35 pm

  78. First of all, I am an overweight by probably about 50 pounds. I’m losing weight, ALWAYS been over weight despite diet and exercise, and how little I eat.. but i have this to say, I have NO SYMPATHY AT ALL for you. Are you really that naive? seriously. You KNOW what guys want, look around! They want that hot, sexy, body, a gal to make them look good too. MOST men do not prefer an overweight woman. What did you think he was going to do? Deny his basic male instincts and say, “Hey, we have so much in common than I’ll just ignore the fact that I am wired to be attracted to what I see, the most?”
    If you know you have a weight issue THAT IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS YOU BRING UP AND YOU SEND THE PICTURE!” Don’t buy into all this “politically correct” crap. Men will always be men. Most will always be into that nice body first. Don’t be offended when a man acts like a man. It’s how he’s wired. He can’t help the facr that he’s not atracted to you. The physical does matter. You can’t kiss and hold someone you have no interest in.

    Comment by DR — March 28, 2008 @ 2:53 pm

  79. #10 should not be deleted, the person who posted it is right.

    Comment by DR — March 28, 2008 @ 3:14 pm

  80. Dear Beauty. I am an over weight girl to, and I mean BIG (270 lbs., 5′9″) and let me tell you a couple of things:
    1) If online, place your pic. right away, so there’s no surprises…and try to have the same back. Online or not, I do not go on with feelings of love and such, until I like that person too, and I’m not meaning beauty only. Physically, my “problem” relies on me being tall as well as big. I no not want to feel larger than the men when I’m intimate, for example, and even still, that has not made me reject shorter men in the past if they are great people. Like a friend of mine says, I have intimate realations with the brains of the people, not the physique.
    2) There’s A LOT of men whom like us. As Lynn perfectly explains, all of us have our choices (see mine above?). The point for you to see the our situation is this: a) Definitely to some you won’t likable, it’s called nature. b)To some you will be, but they are too insecure pressed by society, friends (specially male ones) and family, as to take what for them is a burden, and c) There will be the grouded, confident men whom are totally sure that what matters is what THEM and YOU like. These, of course are fewer, but the peace of mind of being loved for whom you are it’s worth the wait until they show up.

    At 34, I have not founf mine yet, but the love I feel for myself keeps me happy until I do. In the mean time, forget that being fat is being ugly, you can work the pretty things in yourself and be stunning!

    Finally: He thinks he deserves better? Honey, what you consider a loss has been actually YOUR best of lucks! YOU definitely deserve better!

    Comment by Alex — March 28, 2008 @ 3:23 pm

  81. Why on earth would anyone go six weeks and spend 4-6 hours per day without exchanging photos. Whether readers think the guy is a jerk or not, the fact is that looks and chemistry are a major part of (almost) all healthy relationships. “Beauty” (the letter writer) needs to be more realistic (as should have been the man) and get the facts out earlier. It is to everyone’s benefit.

    Comment by Mark — March 28, 2008 @ 3:25 pm

  82. The weight issue: I work hard to keep myself healthy and fit. I realize that not everyone does, and I can accept that. However, if I am doing all that I can to keep myself healthy, why shouldn’t I expect the same from a partner. What if I dated some guy that ate nonhealthy foods, didn’t exercise, or watch the things he put into his body, then married the fool. He is going to take up too much of my time & effort, just watching him slowly die, of STUPIDITY! I would want (and have) a healthy, trim man to grow old with, slowly! We both work out, eat right and take care of ourselves. He is mid 50’s, I am early 50’s, and we can work, and play, circles around others our age. And, I like for my husband to be proud to be seen with me, as I am with him. We can also work more playing into our lives, because we don’t have health issues, such as weight, diabetes, or high blood pressure in our lives. Our health insurance is less exspensive, we never have to go to the Dr. We are not on any maintenence drugs, which means we have more disposable income. I cannot see spending my life taking care of someone, who, through their on ignorance, or laziness, did not care enough about themselves, or me, to properly maintain a healthy lifestyle. It’s not the easiest thing in the worlg. But, once you get the idea embedded, it is not hard. Just eat sensibly, do some kind of exercise, and take care of yourself. It ain’t rocket science!

    Comment by Mary Stuart — March 28, 2008 @ 3:32 pm

  83. This lady just doesn’t GET it. Some men just AREN”T sexually motivated, or attracted by a chunk. Girls, get the picture…If you want to be happy in your own skin, as all these self help horsecrap books talk about, remember, the author is hoping you buy her book, because she wants your money, so she is going to say it’s OK for you to be fat. NEWSFLASH ! You just might be happy in your own skin ALONE. Yes, you DO actually have a responsibility to look good, if you want to be accepted. otherwise, make your circle of friends smaller, so that it includes the other fat people who can’t quit putting in excess of 1600 calories in their mouth each day. It’s a biological fact that you either eat no more than that, or you work out an extra 500-800 calories a day, if you want to eat your twinkies, or your 4 beers, or your rolls with butter, your cheese omelet, your stack of pancakes with butter and syrup, and so forth.
    That guy who told the girl that she should call back when she loses weight isn’t forcing her to do anything. He is saying that he just can’t stomach (pun intended) looking at excessive fat, and make believe it is sexy to him. If women can get past that, and see the attraction in a fat guy who is nice, and who treats them well, then maybe women should start expecting MORE of the men they date. If no females spoke to men who were fat slobs, GUESS freakin’ what! Men would lose weight!! I cannot make myself like fat either, so sue me, I’m sorry, it just doesn’t make me hopeful to be intimate (when I was single) with a woman who bulged from the back of her bra, and who had a permanent belly crease where her “screaming for mercy” jeans had distorted her entire diaphram.
    Remember, 1600 calories maintains a body weight that doesn’t have a fat gut, a thunder thigh region, or a balloon butt. Don’t think that just because you eat until your breasts are huge, that we like that. If you eat at fast food places, or “comfort out” at Max & Erma’s or Fridays, on a 900 calorie plate of Chicken Enchiladas, you are saying that I am fine with being a blubber gut. If you don’t care about excercise, OK, but don’t have the audacity to criticize others for observing your lack of control, and expecting us to think it’s OK. It might be Ok for you if you want to be mated by a guy who is too desperate to care, or who can close his eyes to enjoy the feeling, but some guys can’t get past it. It’s no different in my case. I’m very fit, but I’m not good looking. When I was single, some women got by that, others couldn’t. It’s not their fault that my looks just didn’t do it for them, is it? My field of choices is smaller, but I didn’t add to the issue by being a fat guy. I stayed competitive, stayed fit, mostly because I wanted to live healthy, and long, which to me was happy. Never point to a guy, or girl, who has a problem with liking fat people to date or marry. Point to the fat ones who think the world should want them no matter what. The world DOESN’T, only SOME do. Find one of the ones who don’t care about your appearance, and look miserable for them, with all your best efforts. Eat up! It’s not hard to lower your standards and give up, it feels easy. The only things worth having are a struggle, to one extent or another.
    Most of us love to eat, but a love of life might start to make someone thinner, if they had something to actively go DO. you have one life on earth, and it’s a blink and gone. Why in the heck do so many people just sit there, bitching about their job, eating till I puke watching them, doing nothing in life but watch the putrid garbage on TV, instead of doing something “world class” each year? Live life, see a shark in it’s natural environment, camp out under the stars, run a marathon, build a cabin, re-decorate by your own hand, build furniture, see state parks, fish catch & release, photograph your favorite things, things that are emotive to you, volunteer at a shelter for animals. Donate your time. Get busy living, and enjoyment will follow.

    Comment by Leigh — March 28, 2008 @ 3:41 pm

  84. I totally understand how Beauty feels. I actually married a guy that can’t stand my fat! Yes I did. Some would say I am stupid, but he treats me well, and we have a great life together. It is though, very difficult at times for me. I used to be very obese (almost 300lbs), and I am down to a size 14 and I am happy. Any one who knows anything about losing weight - when you have lost that much, you are really flabby. I can out-do my husband in the exercise department and he will admit it. I have put about 30lbs back on since we engaged, then married. I admit, I got a bit lazy and now I just can’t seem to get it back off. We talk about it frequently, and he apologises for the way he feels, but he claims he can’t change that and I have to lose more weight. He wants me into a size 8!! Hahaha - that will never happen and I tell him that. Anyway - I often wonder where I would be if I had been more true to myself. The moral of the story is - be true to yourself - don’t settle for anything less than what you want - it will come, just give it time.

    Comment by Patti — March 28, 2008 @ 3:46 pm

  85. The response from Lynn was politically correct with just enough “girl power” to boost Beauty’s self esteem and make me smile.
    Thank you society for ingraining certain perceptions in us. Not only do we live in the fattest nation but we are also a nation that praises beauty (movie stars getting paid more than those who shape the next leaders of our country?) Why fight against perceptions that you didn’t make and cannot change? Be happy with yourself for yourself!
    Not everyone who is “perfect” is happy, not everyone who is “thin” is anorexic, and not everyone who is “fat” is unhealthy. Regardless, attraction is a tricky thing and it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round; beauty, ultimately, is in the eye of the beholder.

    Comment by Holly — March 28, 2008 @ 4:12 pm

  86. Did you know that the pleasure center for food in our brains is the same as the one for sex? If your not having sex, you may be trying to “scratch that itch” by over eating. That explains allot.

    Comment by Nicole — March 28, 2008 @ 4:26 pm

  87. Noone likes fat people except fat people and that’s just how it is.It’s sloppy with rolls of fat hanging, creases, pendulous breasts and persperation.These are all the thoughts of the norm? mind and rightfully so as it is not a myth.Take a thin person in a restaurant eating, no one takes a second look. Take a fat person eating and one will think, “slovenly overeater” .That’s just the way it is. By the way, I’m fat and I think it’s ugly!

    Comment by virginia faber — March 28, 2008 @ 4:36 pm

  88. Pictures are the key. I figure, even if we met at a lowly place like a bar, we’d be able to see ALL of eachother. So I think it’s grossly unfair if an online friend refuses to send me more pictures of herself, or post lots to her profile. I sure do… just look at my MySpace pages. How foolish to go all that time and not know EXACTLY what they looked like, and in recent photos…. sheesh. But then, that’s newb’s for ya. Hopefully they will learn from this one.

    Comment by Dan Keith — March 28, 2008 @ 4:52 pm

  89. The fact of the matter is, human evolution is somewhat to blame for this guy’s decision to not continue talking to her. We want to be with people who are able to reproduce, and the fact of the matter is overweight people have a harder time having kids. I agree with some earlier comments, why did she wait so long to show him her picture? Was she so certain that he would fall in love with her without really knowing her and what she looks like? My boyfriend showed me a picture of when he was overweight and asked me if I would have dated then. I gave him a clear look that said “no.” That’s the harsh truth but if you want to have a relationship with someone you at least need to keep healthy. We don’t know if this girl is slightly overweight or morbidly obese, but I would suspect somewhere in between and probably has had issues with relationships in the past because of her weight, hence the approach she took to getting to know this guy. I have a feeling there’s something she left out as well and she’s solely blaming the weight on the demise of her online romance because she’s in denial of the other issue(s).

    Comment by Rose — March 28, 2008 @ 4:56 pm

  90. Look I don’t want to be mean… but I am not Jack Black either… I do not want to date super skinny people but I also do not want to date heavy people.

    You know if your within minimum expected physical requirements for most people. Otherwise you know that the large pool of people may be more selective then you fall within.

    My advise, don’t worry about it. But my guess is this person is a little lonely and that sucks for anyone. If they want to change in the hopes it will make them less lonely I wish them luck. But that’s also not a quick fix as they may be more likely to be happy at their current state. They should just try and seek out other that are open to heavy people.

    I would not be one of them and that’s ok. It just should have been done with more tact.. as most people have little tact you just have to accept it.

    Comment by anony1 — March 28, 2008 @ 4:58 pm

  91. Our society is making excuses for everyone and this one is definitely on the top of the list. I recently went to Italy and Greece and the only “fat” people I saw were Americans. We over eat, eat on the run at fast food and stock our shelves with potato chips and candy bars. Then when someone says, “you’re too fat for me,” that person is the bad guy. Over weight people want to feel good about themselves and so not to hurt their feelings, we tell them it’s ok to be fat. IT’S NOT OK!!! If you ever say that, you are only contributing to the unhealthy lifestyle that brought them to this point. Do not be sucked in to this. Take responsibility with your children and your selves and do not become accepting of this disease. Shame on you all for accepting overweight as it something out of our control.

    Comment by Andy — March 28, 2008 @ 4:59 pm

  92. This woman couldn’t be that naïve, could she? She knew her weight would be an issue – that’s why she searched for men online instead of in-person. She’s only upset because her plan backfired; get a guy to fall for her BEFORE seeing how overweight she was. She’s crying “unfair!” yet SHE’S the one being unfair, hiding her obesity from him and then expecting him to ignore it once revealed. She’s blaming him for not accepting her as she is, even though I’m willing to bet she never once mentioned being overweight.

    And, she didn’t mention his weight at all. Is he at a normal, HEALTHY weight, or is he overweight as well? I’m guessing not, but even so if the tables were turned she’d most likely do the same thing. Women are just as shallow as men, as I know from personal experience. When I was overweight women didn’t look at me or give me the time of day, and I spent many nights alone. But once I lost 60 pounds then SUDDENLY I was worth their time, SUDDENLY I was good-looking and boyfriend material. Hypocritical women? You bet!!

    And Lynn, it’s a not just a “few, lousy pounds.” There are health issues involved too when someone’s overweight, like Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Hypertension. There are logistics issues when making love, going shopping, flying, etc. Then there’s pregnancy weight, and the slow-down of your metabolism at middle-age. There’s always having to listen to that person TALK about losing weight, getting in-shape, etc. but them never DOING anything about it.

    I’m sure I’ll just be written-off as yet another shallow, unsympathetic male who can’t see the diamond because of the surrounding rock, and that’s fine. It isn’t true, but that’s fine. I just think she needs a reality check. She needs to be honest with herself – she may or may not be hypocritical, but deep down she knows the truth as much as I do: Most of the women looking for men in bars and nightclubs are size 12 or less, and most women looking for men online are size 12 or larger.

    Comment by Steve — March 28, 2008 @ 5:06 pm

  93. @ #17. “What would be unfair is for the weak to survive and the strong parish, a la affirmative action”. Huh? Your statement implies that those whom have survived as a result of this piece of legislature were weak. When in fact they were simply overlooked because of THE WAY THEY LOOKED. The truth of the matter is we live in a visual society. People constantly think it is okay to judge others merely by their outward appearance. This mode of thinking is shallow and WEAK. Fortunatly you do have a right to choose. You have the right to choose to eat that large fry and that big mack. To stuff your face with an extra piece of birthday cake. To park as close to the building as you possibly can. You have every right to buy a treadmill and use it only to store all of your priceless possessions (designer bags, shoes, dresses, jackets etc) And to these close minded men and women, you have the right to choose people that resemble some genetic/unconscious embodiment that will ensure survivability. But then again if conditions were dire that extra weight (insulation) would truly increase the survivability factor. Guess it depends on what your trying to survive. Beauty, choose to love the skin your in. While you are at it, choose to be honest about yourself. Don’t think that you can deceive someone into liking you by hiding your true self. Choose to stop talking to this guy immediately…..even if he does grow up and see the err of his ways. It’s not enough that he is not physically attracted to you but he has the audacity to reduce his conversations with you until you lose weight. What is that punishment for being overweight. Ugh, the nerve of some people. Move on. His loss.

    Comment by Sue — March 28, 2008 @ 6:19 pm

  94. I sure hope this woman heeds your advice! What you said could not be more true and honest. It is a sad fact that so many of us judge people by how they look, but usually that’s before we’ve had a chance to get to know them. Weight issues are a very touchy subject, and I am of two minds of this one. Being overweight suggests some lack in self esteme, willpower, and health. If someone is very healthy-conscience, then they would only want someone who is of the same mind. BUT they should reveal that during one of their first talks, if it is that important to them. For others, simply being overweight is a big turn-off, but again, they should reveal that early on. I am surprised that they did not exchange pictures earlier on. It works both ways.

    Comment by Gayle — March 28, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

  95. I think you were wrong not letting him know the real YOU. Not to say this guy isnt a jerk but the start to any solid relationship is honesty. Dont give up you will find someone that likes you for you and you will look back at this time in your life and thank God you didnt end up with Mr. Wrong. Im sure your a wonderful person. Just keep pluging away at finding happiness and it will find you. Best of luck

    P.S. Im a little over weight myself. The only thing that helps me is my frame size 6′3″ 285lbs. My wife of 18 years still loves me and we have sex in the dark and the light(with 4 kids you do it when you can haha)but she loves me for WHO I am and not what I look like(thank God) You to will find this, just dont give up and be honest.

    Comment by Michael — March 28, 2008 @ 7:58 pm

  96. I have been overweight most of my life. In the last year, I have been working out and am stronger than ever, though the number on the scale has not diminished, my muscles weigh more than my fat. I have pictures posted which show the chunkier 2005 version of me, because I want to be completely honest about what a man could expect if he wants to date me. Yes, I hate that men prefer “athletic and toned” or “slender” women most of the time. My bias is that I don’t want to date anyone with that bias.
    I wonder if I ever dropped more dress sizes if I would feel like posting newer, skinnier pictures. My thinking is that if you don’t like me when I’m heavier, how can you possibly like me when I’m lighter?
    As far as the deeper issues goes, many of us heavier people have a history of being sexually abused. I wish it were not true, but the fat is a shield some of us use to keep ourselves safe from unwanted advances.
    I know about the more slender appearance = healthy argument, but it is very frustrating when many slender people have not had to try very hard to be slender and they still hold everyone to that nearly impossible standard. And remember, thin does not always mean someone is fit.
    What I like about online dating is that since I am not someone who gets noticed very often in person, I can share a little of my personality with someone and they have a little more information than just physical to make the decision about if they are interested.

    A final note, I recently returned from Brazil and realized that I was born in the wrong country! The women down there are beautifully voluptuous and curvy, a lot like me. I felt really good about my body while I was there, in the land of the curvy.

    Best wishes to you, Dear.

    Comment by joysmom — March 28, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

  97. Good for him for having the guts to say it up front - once he saw your pic. You have to give him credit for that!!
    YOU should have been more upfront to begin with. If he’s looking for a LIFE partner, there will be some things he’s probably willing to give in on, and other things he’s not willing to give in on. So - all of you fatties shouln’t slam him ( calling him shallow, and a goober, and so on) because of what his taste are.
    Why am I sticking up for him??? 18 years ago, I married a slightly overweight lady. We were great friends then, and still are. AND we are still married. After two kids and 100+ lbs gained.
    Here’s what else…
    She sleeps on the couch - because she can’t breath. (I get action once every three weeks)
    She won’t go dancing - embarrased about having her FAT ASS swung on the dance floor ( her words)
    She complains here feet hurt all the time - even with expensive foot friendly shoes.
    She won’t go camping, hiking, skiing, kayaking, biking, and so on…
    We haven’t had a family photo in 10+ years.
    Our whole family is missing out on the adventures of life - because of her excess baggage.
    Now for you women as a gender.
    I’ve seen the Hotties that go out with the not-so-attractive men , THEY’VE GOT $$$MONEY$$$!!!! The older men too. THEY’VE GOT $$$$MONEY$$$
    I’ve seen the women who get up every morning and do their work out videos. They spend hours doing their hair and makeup. Go hit club to go dancing. AND then complain that as they walk in, “the men are staring, and taking their clothes off with their eyes”.
    Ive seen the over-weight soccer moms bring out their folding lawn chairs and sit, while their kids run the field for 1-2 hours during soccer practice. Too much effort to get off those fat asses and walk???
    And those INFO-MERCIALS …
    products for hair, make-up, slimming clothes, fat compressing underwear. What’s a guy suppose to think the next morning waking up next you ??? No special make-up, your fat DE-compressed. YIKES!!!!!!!
    Get over yourselves with the pitty party. If you don’t like it, deal with it or lose the weight. And you women are calling us men shallow. What a laugh.

    Comment by Russell — March 28, 2008 @ 8:17 pm

  98. I saw this on MSN.com and thought I’d give my two cents….I dunno if it’s been said or not in the comments, but I (and most people I know) will not date someone who does not take care of their body. Inactivity leads to poor health and sends a message to people that you don’t care enough about your body to take care of it.

    Comment by Mark B. — March 28, 2008 @ 8:30 pm

  99. #82 Mary Stuart nailed it perfectly

    While I suspect we didn’t get the whole story from “Beauty” which
    is irrelevant at this point.

    The core issue is that many people in society when speakingpolitely in public try to pass off weight as purely cosmetic.

    This couldn’t be further from the truth. A person’s weight is also heavily indicative of both their health and how much they value it. High weight also limits what activities and adventures are possible. Pardon the pun but it can be a big deal.

    If someone is in great shape but has “extra padding” that’s one thing. But to be clearly unhealthily overweight is not just cosmetic. Its the equivalant of screaming

    “I don’t care about my health nor if I can keep up with any kids I might have someday, in fact I really don’t care if I dramatically shorten my lifespan and worry family members with major health complications…well not enough to do anything about it”.

    (yes I know there are unfortunate people with situations litterally beyond their control (thyroid issues etc.) this is not about them…its about the massive population of unhealthy people achieved through pure laziness, lack of discipline, or lack of consideration)

    My wife of almost 7 years has always had about an extra 30+lbs. But she exercizes, eats reasonably healthily and can run, skip and jump with the best of them…aside from being drop dead gorgeous. I love her and her personality. But lets face facts, her personality dictates that she is an active healthy person. Saying the two are unrelated is rediculous. I’m an adventurous person and like to be physically active and also want to have kids someday (someday soon at this point) and go out and about with them as well. I don’t want them worried about our health or if we’ll slow them down as we get older. That has nothing to do with “skin deep” cosmetics. It has to do with values and mature commitment to them. Anyone who says otherwise is flat out lying, period.

    Had I first met my wife and found her to be in poor health by virtue of being lazy that by itself would disqualify her because of everything else that it implys and forces upon the relationship. Wanna go rollerblading? Not an option. How about a jog? Won’t happen. As it is my wife and I do just about everything together and have never been happier in our lives than in the last 9 years that we’ve known each other. Life holds so many more opportunities to use simply by virtue of us staying healthy.

    Both of my wife’s parents are overweight and have major health complications associated with it and it causes her and I no end of stress. Any day could be the day that thier weight related complications combined with age will make them unable to work and dependant upon us. Neither of us want to do that to our eventual children.

    So very long story short…being overweight is not just about looks by a long shot, its about taking care of yourself for yourself and for the long haul…and that speaks volumes about your ability to commit without making excuses and your values.

    You don’t need to be a supermodel. You don’t need to be thin (thin by itself doesn’t exactly indicate health either, I’ve seen my share of walking skeletons that give me the creeps). You just need to be healthy.

    Comment by Christopher — March 28, 2008 @ 8:36 pm

  100. Dear Lynn AKA BG
    thanks for the giggles telling this chick (actually the WHOLE chicken) off without her getting it made me giggle! I.E. “the BIG meet. . . you are a funny sarcastic little thing, aren’t YOU! Its so sad more women don’t try to meet men in the dairy section of their grocers, at least they could debate the benefits of WHOLE milk over skim(skinny)! Actually, if you have the COW at home, whe are you BUYING MILK?

    Comment by JB — March 28, 2008 @ 8:43 pm

  101. Dear Lynn AKA BG
    thanks for the giggles telling this chick (actually the WHOLE chicken) off without her getting it made me giggle! I.E. “the BIG meet. . . you are a funny sarcastic little thing, aren’t YOU! Its so sad more women don’t try to meet men in the dairy section of their grocers, at least they could debate the benefits of WHOLE milk over skim(skinny)! Actually, if you have the COW at home, why are you BUYING MILK?

    Comment by JB — March 28, 2008 @ 8:46 pm

  102. Once upon a time a guy told me he was afraid to marry me because I might gain weight. If I did I would not be everything he wanted then. We had dated 25 years before and he had an excuse then, too. This time when he said that about the weight, I told him,”You have bad knees now and the way I see it I should have a problem with loving you.”Furthermore I told him he did not make enough money for me to quite my job so I could go to the gym and be Barbie for him. He needed to call me when he could furnish the funds so I could be his perfect girl. Really no matter what he would have said after that comment would I ever get into a relationship with someone like him. You will never be good enough or slim enough or anything else. I like myself just fine and am having a great life doing what ‘I’want to do with it and not trying to please other people who really can’t get past the physical body. Believe me there is more to life than what we see with our eyes. The things we can’t touch are the ones that end up being the most important. Needless to say we are not together but anyones body changes. After having children you really have a body change. What then you are left without someone to help with the raising.Find someone who likes you and if it happens it happens don’t push a round peg in a square whole because it will eventually pop out.

    Comment by Anne — March 28, 2008 @ 8:54 pm

  103. The big problem usually starts when “SOMEONE” is not honest or realistic about describing themselfs, 30 to 40 #s overweight is just not average,nor is it a few extra pounds. It Is Large, Why do some of us want to lie about it. Just be yourself and be honest about it. You are only fooling yourself,And possibly hurting someone else or you are wasting precious time,Yours and theirs. We all know in our later life we don’t get too much time, So make it count Just Tell The Truth and you will find someone who is looking for someone exactly like YOU!!!!!

    Comment by Jim — March 28, 2008 @ 10:31 pm

  104. For those who think that fat folks have the corner on the health issues market, a few examples:

    1) Diabetes - even little kids, little normal sized kids, get diabetes. Mary Tyler Moore has Type II diabetes and she’s never been fat a day in her life.

    2) Hypertension - see anyone who works on Wall Street. Many normal weight people have hypertension. Do your homework, please.

    3) Heart disease - please call to mind several young high school/college athletes - yes, I said athletes, people who were physically fit - who dropped dead on the court/field due to heart disease. Please, also, call to mind the young long distance runner who dropped dead on the course in New York just before the Olympic trials. Was he overweight? Nope (may God rest his and the other young people’s souls).

    Bottom line, people, yes, being overweight is not particularly ideal but everyone had different reasons for being how they are. Fat folks (myself included) do not fit these cookie cutter molds you fat-phobic, self-righteous, intolerant people try to put us in. There are many of us who are trying to lose weight, and not necessarily for health reasons. The reasons can be, and are, as individual as the person. I do not eat pints of ice cream - I don’t even keep snacks in the house unless they are Weight Watchers stuff. I walk, I exercise and I’ve managed to lose 30 pounds in four months but I still have a long way to go. That being said, I’d like a little companionship, but should I put my whole freakin’ life on hold because I’m a big girl? Am I not entitled to have some fun too?

    I have my profile online. I am honest about who I am and how I look - my pictures were all taken in the last couple of months and show me as I am. I cannot imagine having a profile online that doesn’t have a recent photo, for male or female. Talking via computer and phone for six whole weeks without discussing important issues such as personal likes and dislikes strikes me as very odd, and while I feel for the girl, discussing major life changing events like marriage sight unseen is totally unrealistic. He should have been a little more tactful but they are both better off without each other.

    Comment by Doreen — March 28, 2008 @ 10:36 pm

  105. I AM “skinny” and always have been. The man I married took me for every dime I had, when he passed away, he left everything to his MOTHER, when she passed away 2 years later, her daughters got everything. All the savings that I had went into the farm, he bought all machinery, and all the hard work that went with the farm, I got nothing for. Now after 16 years of trying to make ends at least come somwhat close, and after 3 major surgeries, I am broke, with major bills, and may have to stay in my car, until I can get back to work. Now I )sic) look forward to the welfare line.There isn’t a man in the world that is even interested in someone like me. The ones that showed up thought they could marry me and have the farm, when they found out that I didn’t own the farm, they never showed up again. I am still “skinny” and still wondering where all those “wonderful” men are?

    Comment by MsB — March 28, 2008 @ 10:59 pm

  106. Having talked to each other for 6 weeks and all ready discussing marriage? Having NOT even met each other in person?? Sounds like there is far more problems between them two than just the weight issue….Get to KNOW the person first THEN let the dice fall as they may!!

    Comment by rosibud — March 28, 2008 @ 11:00 pm

  107. I developed a rule regarding meeting a single woman online. Three weeks max. from initial contact till first in-person meeting (if within a reasonable driving distance). Max 3 weeks. Anything longer was just game playing by the other person.
    No photo? Sorry, more game playing–you’re withholding information, very important information. Guys aren’t the only ones who reject on “not deep” things. I had women reject me because I didn’t drive a fancy car. This guy was well within his rights to reject her–as she would be too, if he sent a photo of himself missing an arm or having a huge nose. Women can be just as superficial as men–even moreso.

    Comment by Old School — March 29, 2008 @ 2:04 am

  108. “Beauty,” this guy did not handle the situation well. He could have been nicer. However, as Lynn sez, we all have our preferences. Years ago a guy wouldn’t even go out with me because he said I was too tall (5′7″)

    Attraction is a funny thing — there are some gorgeous guys whom I wouldn’t date or have dated and been disappointed in. Then again, there are some guys who make people ask me “what do you see in him?”

    Then, there are those I’ve known for years as friends and still feel no attraction to, probably never will.

    And,you may have dodged a bullet with this guy.

    A guy I met through a newspaper classifed (before Internet dating) asked for my picture because he said he had been misled by women in the past — they had misrepresented themselves and he had driven a great distance from his home in rural Virginia to meet them. It sounded fair enough. He sent me a picture of himself first and I thought “Eeewww, redneck!”

    He never heard from me. No idea whether he ended up finding anybody.

    Comment by Jane — March 29, 2008 @ 2:09 am

  109. [...] at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This one may be less of a lightning rod than last week’s “Call me when you’re skinny,” but we’re betting there’s something we can all relate to in the letter from “Not [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » The Denver boot — April 1, 2008 @ 10:11 am

  110. [...] it came to discussion of last week’s Ask Lynn/MSN letter, “Call me when you’re skinny,” you guys had an appetite for deconstruction. 108 comments so far — thanks, all! [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » “Skinny” 2: The Thickening — April 1, 2008 @ 3:30 pm

  111. This definitely hurts the girl, but as a woman, I see this reason of rejection is totally understandable. The guy is fond of a slim girl and what’s wrong with it? Everybody wants to look nice and it’s part of human nature.At least the guy is honest about what he wants. He didn’t end up wasting her time. Weight means a lot more than a number. It reflects the way we treat ourselves and manage our lives. If someone doesn’t appear to have the capability to take good care of herself, are you sure that she will be taking good care of an intimate relationship? Who would deliberately prefer an overweight partner? “Appearance tells about the heart.” There is quite some truth in this old saying. On the other hand, I do believe that when the chemistry is strong enough, the appearance thing does not matter very much. However, in the beginning of a relationship, we cannot deny that appearance plays a key role. Let’s face it. It may not be ‘fair’, but it is what it is.

    Comment by Melly — April 3, 2008 @ 12:54 pm

  112. Honestly, I don’t understand why everyone is going off about being overweight or not overweight! The issue here IS NOT whether or not
    “Beauty” is overweight - the issue is HONESTY.

    It is ridiculous and unreasonable to talk “moving and marriage” after six weeks of talking, without ever having met in person. There is a sort of accountability-free attitude about online dating that leaves a LOT of information to slip between the cracks.

    I know this because of some truly horrendous experiences I had myself a few years ago - there is nothing wrong with online dating as long as

    a. you are scrupulously honest in what you post about yourself, and

    b. you don’t EVER talk about moving or (good heavens!) marriage until you have spent a good amount of time together FACE TO FACE.

    I mean, even if you DO share pictures that were recent, and you ARE honest, it is still possible to meet in person and have there be no spark. It’s happened to me. It’s odd and disappointing, but it happens!

    That is no one’s fault, it just means much more face time needs to be spent IN ONE ANOTHER’S PRESENCE before any promises are even suggested.

    This is not a fat issue! It is an openness and honesty issue! and more, it is an issue of illusion being torn away by reality, and that is BOTH parties’ fault.

    Comment by Roux — April 3, 2008 @ 7:20 pm

  113. I’ve faced similar discrimination on dating sites … MOST men wont respond to me because I’m upfront about my weight — 5′9, 229 pds. I take good photos, and dress immacutely– nails, hair, make-up, nice clothes etc but I STILL find that most men ignore me. If they do contact me and date me, my dates never last past the third date (once they get what they want). 2 men I dated long term were able to see beyond it but neither ended up as a long term relationship so I dont know what to think. I guess I will just keep doing what I do– being honest and updating my pics. At least I will know that when someone does contact me there is a slight chance he’s not shallow.
    Good luck out there!

    Comment by Melanie — April 6, 2008 @ 7:49 am

  114. [...] has hit the all-important three-month mark with her online man. (Yes, seems they’ve actually met in person.) That’s the good news. Here’s the less good: she happened (not “happened”) [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » Profiles in ambivalence — April 8, 2008 @ 10:37 am

  115. Right, a guy is a jerk because he doesn’t appreciate “voluptuousness”.

    Geez, get over yourselves.

    Comment by delete this — April 8, 2008 @ 11:17 am

  116. I hate the double standard of men today.. ” I won’t date a fatty” but if the woman won’t date him because he is a.balding, b. older c.not rich d.crappy car then she is a b*tch and not worth my time. I’m a bit bigger than I should be (only 20 lbs) but losing weight is very hard because of a medical condition. I lost a wonderful amazing (I thought) guy because he wanted a Trophy Woman. I just wasn’t thin, young, pretty enough for him. I gave him the love he had lost after his wife left him. After 18 months he said that there wasnt a spark, after assuring me that he loved how I looked in the previous dates. So much for honesty. It kills me to know he is looking for someone young and pretty and will find her… even tho the little hair he has is gray and is wrinkled.

    music and TV are conditioning us that we have to be thin and young to find love. In older cultures, it was the volutuous women who were good breeders. Marilyn Monroe was a size 14, for gods sake! When did every woman have to be a size 10 to be worth the time to get to know them? What if every woman turned down a man because of hair loss, or wrinkles, or a pot belly? There would be a LOT less men on the market. I don’t put a picture up of me on the dating sites. IF they want to know who I am, ask me or talk to me. If all the men want is (18-60) year olds, or post that I am looking for someone attractive or fit, I won’t contact you. All you want is someone female and not someone with an interesting history or has a curvy figure. Your loss…

    Comment by Michelle — April 14, 2008 @ 11:00 am

  117. WOW. Don’t wait around for this guy. What next, you get married, you get a pimple and he wants a divorce. Yes, everybody has preferences but it still seems pretty cruel the way things transpired. I suppose he is the handsomest man alive?

    Comment by Leslie — April 29, 2008 @ 2:17 pm

  118. Good post. You make some great points that most people do not fully understand.

    “Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today we meet “Is Beauty Only Skin Deep?”, who has met someone of her own — online, anyway. Endless phone calls, round-the-clock IM, talk of marriage, sheer bliss…at least over optical fiber. But when her fella finally sees her photo (yes, after the M-word comes up), it’s perhaps his true face that shows. His response: “You’re pretty, but can you call again when you lose some weight?””

    I like how you explained that. Very helpful. Thanks.

    Comment by Evaine — May 16, 2008 @ 10:09 am

  119. [...] we had “Call me when you’re skinny,” which we believe set a number-of-comments record here at BreakupGirl.net — and spawned [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » Now at MSN.com: Why should I stay in shape if he won’t? — June 3, 2008 @ 2:14 am

  120. My wife left me, because she felt unloved due to her weight.She is loseing her weight but to fast and her moods have change and I am no longer in her picture as a husband. Not even a friend.

    As I told her before that I would marry her if she was bigger.
    It is what is in her heart that matters to me most. I am not a perfect shape male.
    She cried to me saying that she wants me to lose her weight. I said I can’t do that for you, But I can stand beside you for support. Like they say if you want something bad enough for yourself an you have to do it and for yourself only.

    We are all humman, we all have the same blood, we come in all shapes, colours and relidgins

    Comment by Burt — June 9, 2008 @ 2:41 am

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  122. [...] last two actually came from Breakup Girl’s blog, not mine, but they’re practically identical to comments that have ended up in my mod [...]

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  126. On line dating - Cool! nice blog! Now, It’s time to start on line dating!

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