Meeting the parents on October 5,1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s one I haven’t yet run across in your advice column…say you have a great relationship in every way, but as it evolves you find out the Jew/Gentile thing prohibits a future (read: marriage/living together). So why is he letting you both get in deeper when he knows he can’t take you home to meet his mother because you’re not ‘ethnic’ enough??? But you’re both so far into adulthood that how to raise any children isn’t even an issue and you both know that nothing this good has ever come along for either of you? Should the taboo against marrying a Gentile outweigh a chance for a dynamite love and friendship? I’ve pondered this for several years, still no peace of mind on this one. Thanks.

–Too WASP But Willing to Change

Dear WASP,

For this question about meeting the mother, how about we meet with Breakup Mom?

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a long time. We have an exclusive relationship and have been in love since even before we started going out. We’ve always talked about getting married and we’re beginning to plan in more detail.

Now I always envisioned getting married in this huge church with all my family and all of his family there under the eyes of God and a priest and about 29 bridesmaids and the whole lot. I don’t want to be married in some banquet hall somewhere or some ugly little non denominational chapel by a Justice of Peace (or whatever the hell the alternative is.) I’m Catholic, practicing (even though my parents don’t) since high school, I do community service and the whole nine yards. I believe strongly in God and I even believe that one of my prayers is what brought me and Bill together in the first place. Most of my prayers have been answered….and I’m a happy camper. I don’t go to church EVERY week, or even as often as I used to and don’t get me wrong–I’m no religious fanatic. I just think it’d be nice to be married in a Church. (considering that I never went that often I guess I appreciate it more.)

Which comes to Bill. I always knew he wasn’t practicing ANYTHING even when I met him in high school. That never bothered me one bit (since a lot of really devout religious people in my school were driving me insane at the time…..repent your sins or else you’ll be sent to hell! God doesn’t care if you’re young he doesn’t make exceptions! You have to go to Church twice a day every day or else you’ll be shining Satan’s shoes!) (That’s not really that much of an exaggeration!) Anyway, we fell in love and everything has been wonderful ever since…but I mentioned I wanted to get married in Church, he thinks it’s impossible, and I think he’s right. And it’s breaking my heart.

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I know that not everyone thinks It Gets Better is the best response to anti-LGBT bullying. I understand the criticism — it’s facile, it’s privileged, it misplaces responsibility — and even agree with much of it. But I’m still a fan of IGB, not as the response to anti-queer bullying, but as a response among what needs to be more and more, at individual and societal levels. That’s why I like Hillary Clinton’s contribution (h/t Andrew Sullivan) as an addition to the mix. She (appropriately, for her position) makes it not about you the sufferer versus them the mean kids, but about civil — American — society, how far it has come, and what it demands. Yes, it’s on the bullies to desist and the queer kids to keep it real, but more than that, it’s on all of us.

And it’s on all of us not just to give miserable kids hope for magical “later” land when they get to graduate  and move to Seattle. It’s on us to help them — and continue changing the culture — now. Some less in-the-headines folks who are working to make it better, today:

Do Not Stand Idly By: A Jewish Community Pledge to Save Lives (more/interesting context here)

Responsive Classroom (h/t Marjorie Ingall)

WeStopHate (h/t I Heart Daily)

This list is the opposite of exhaustive. What other great anti-queer-bullying and pro-tolerant-society work should we all know about?

Oh, and here you go:

What’s a young Shiite Muslim to do when his religion forbids sex outside of marriage and he wants to have sex? Get married of course! Hey, if you can end the marriage with a text (technically it would take three text messages) why not wed your hookup? Actually, Betwa Sharma points out in this fascinating Daily Beast article, it is only a subset of Shiites who believe the Quran provides a loophole of temporary “pleasure marriages” called Mut’ah. Sharma profiles a twentysomething Shiite in New York who’s been “married” 25 times.

Like permanent marriages in Islam, Mut’ah marriages are only allowed with other Muslims, Christians, and Jews. His partners have been Catholic and Muslim-American, Spanish, Lebanese, Turkish, Palestinian, and Pakistani. Selman says many of the women he meets express “shock” when he explains he must marry them before he can proceed.

Yeah, I think a marriage proposal might disrupt my flirty patter. But only for a minute:

According to Selman, the woman has to say, “I marry you, myself.” The man replies, “I accept.” A token bridal gift must be given-in Selman’s case, usually tea, juice, or chocolates.

Wow. I thought I at least had to buy her a meal.

While some might say these Muslims aren’t taking marriage very seriously, I think we can all agree they seem to be taking hooking-up very seriously. As Muhsin Alidina of the Al Khoei Islamic Center in Queens explains Mut’ah:

Alidina says the crucial components of the Mut’ah marriage are the mutual acceptance of the marriage, a bridal gift to the wife paid in cash, and her obligation to stay single for two menstrual cycles after the marriage ends to ensure she is not pregnant before entering into another. The husband is responsible for a child conceived during the marriage, even if the marriage lasts only a few hours, and religious leaders recommend that the contract be put in writing so women can claim their rights in Islamic courts that recognize Mut’ah marriages.

Ugh. Forget it. I’m just gonna stay home Friday night and watch Dollhouse instead.

Check out the full must-read article here.

Now coming to a close is Psychology Today’s three-part Q&A between author/interviewer Bella DePaulo and author/interviewee Jaclyn Geller about the singles stigma. And here’s our final rundown of this quite illuminating discussion.

— I swear I did not know that DePaulo was gonna name-check that same baby-shower “SATC” ep as I linked to in my most recent post. All the same, I will take this opportunity to remind you what great minds do.

— In other tried-but-true cliches (including the use of “tried and true,” shame on me), Geller eloquently discusses how those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. (Translation: She recommends all those entering marriage to read up on its history.)

— If a Mormon can decide to take the Sarandon-Robbins alternate route to happiness, then change is inevitable.

Headline of the week from The Daily Mail: “50,000 women abandoning church every year as Buffy the Vampire Slayer turns them on to witchcraft.”

Dr. Kristin Aune of the University of Derby, “said many young women are put off going to church because they link it with traditional values,” the Mail reported, adding, “She also said television icons such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who promote female empowerment, discourage women from attending services.”

Hmm! Reminds me of that classic from BG anti-crush Pat Robertson: “Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

Well. Who says we can’t have it all?

You may have seen the much buzzed-about New York Times article in which Maureen Dowd, in consultation with 79-year-old Catholic priest Fr. Pat Connor, laid out 10 requirements for the “ideal husband.” Though I’m pretty sure BG hates MoDo with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, I’ve got to say I think her checklist makes perfect sense. Having witnessed my parents experience the ups and downs of marriage, I’ve come to understand that love is just the beginning of a successful lifetime partnership. So here, in case you missed it, is what MoDo and Fr. Pat urge you to consider. (I’ll use male pronouns as the article implies that only girls are on the big hunt — lies!):

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