Poor Amelia over at The Frisky calls herself “one of the few” who loved the movie “The Break Up” (sic)* (WHY don’t movie people SPELL CHECK?!), “mainly because it made [her] laugh in that, ‘Haha, this is totally the way me and the fiance would be behave if we ever broke up, but I’m able to laugh about it because, haha, we are NEVER going to break up so it’ll never become a bitter reality!'” way.

Oops.

Now the movie is on her — and, we’re guessing, also Jennifer Aniston‘s — list of “10 Movies, TV Shows, and Songs to Avoid During a Breakup.” Many of which, I should note, are not what you might expect.

But only 10? I know, right? Add yours here!

* “breakup,” NOUN, one word: the end of a romantic relationship; “break up,” VERB, two words: to end a romantic relationship, possibly over grammar and spelling violations.

“He was a lovely person and loved to go out with me,” says “Brazilian beauty” Maria Gracinda Teixeira de Jesus, now 77, “fondly [recalling] the affair she had with the young ‘good kissing’ midshipman” she dated in 1957. “I called him ‘John’ but he was my dear and my coconut dessert.”

*H/T Rachel Maddow show

[Lame note: Whoops! I thought I posted this days ago, when it was actually, like, news. Now it’s just a behind-the-times coco-treat for the three of you who missed it.]

Okay, not what I would wear to fight crime. Or, really to leave the house.

Here, from FOBG Mary Beth Williams at Salon.com, a dismaying/touching account of the penny-pinch of heartbreak:

Sep. 22, 2008 | My marital separation would be so much easier if I were in a better income bracket. Then again, if I were in a better income bracket, maybe my husband and I wouldn’t be separating at all. I could rattle off all the reasons why the man that I promised to love forever is not sleeping next to me tonight. I can list all the heartaches we’ve endured over the last two years. Or I could cut to the chase and tell you that this is a story about money.

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Girls and horses: match made in hog heaven. All my early fantasies of happiness and adventure featured my strong and loyal steed. We’d gallop across fields, along beaches, or my horse-friend would appear in the schoolyard at recess (you know, because horses always remember the way back), his coat shining like armor, his communications quiet, subtle — intriguing but ultimately knowable. A wild thing whose trust could be won through love and patience.

Hmm, it’s aaaall making sense now.

Which is why Wired columnist Regina Lynn’s latest inspiration — a horse camp for broken-hearted women — is pure, thoroughbred genius.

“We’d provide horses and Parelli Natural Horsemanship foundational instruction for the women to build relationships with those horses. (PNH is perfect because you learn so much about love, communication, relationship give and take, responsibility — and not just as it pertains to horses. Wimmens dig it),” she writes. All that in a supportive environment where women can “discover, or rediscover, their sexuality, their pleasure, their power.”

Somebody give her some seed money! Because sometimes it takes a heckofa lot more than sad country songs to get over a breakup.

I think we all know this gal:

“Having such an optimistic outlook on her love life is not uncommon for Castlen, who since reaching dating age has undergone more than 23 changes in relationship status, ranging from long-term abstinence to a brief but intense affair with a married man. The 26-year-old has also celebrated three serious relationships that lasted the perfect length of time, five just-what-she-needed dumpings, two hookups with ex-boyfriends that ‘gave her closure,’ and an abruptly canceled engagement that Castlen said she couldn’t have planned better herself. “

Hey, at least she’s happy!

Thanks, Onion.

(Bonus: New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call)

It’s not easy to outdo the boom-box-over-the-head if you want to impress your girl, but apparently, it’s technically possible:

The time I spent with the RAF earlier this year made me realize how much I love flying,” said [Prince] William, who was criticized for landing an air force helicopter on his girlfriend Kate Middleton’s lawn during his training, and for using another chopper to fly to a bachelor party on the Isle of Wight.

Now that’s rakish. And blimey, would it be fun to be able to answer the usually rhetorical question, “And who are you, the King of England?” with a cheeky-but-accurate, “Well, not just yet….”

Don’t you wish this sort of thing happened in real life?

A blatant, bling-laden, warmongering jerkwad receives quick and humiliating justice when a mysterious super-person of questionable ethics (hero? villain? you be the judge!) lays a seductive trap using ToolBoy’s own ego against him.

Oh, wait. I guess in this season of political celebrities and scandal, when the plots of comic books and Times articles can be easily quilted together like partisan MadLibs, “reality,” while very grim,  is also occasionally entertaining.

I’m talking, of course, about the case of Mr. Gabriel Schwartz. After a busy day telling LinkTV.org he supports a platform of “less taxes, more war,” which Team BG can’t defend even grammatically, the 29-year-old attorney and delegate to the Republican National Convention is now missing at least $50,000 worth of loot (possibly up to $120,000, say the cops).

You see,  just hours after Schwartz’s feisty interview, he met a young lady in a hotel bar, took her to his swanky room — and when he woke up, he just couldn’t figure out where he’d left his favorite $30,000 watch. Or the $20,000 ring. Or the $4000 earrings. Or the $1000 Prada belt.

Police!

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Once upon a time, BG had a perfectly magical date with a then-obscure movie star who, as it turned out, was apparently on a different date at the time. One of the fun parts of the story (and its two-years-later coda) is this: the friends who set us up had told me way too much about him. I knew his hobbies, his college major, his newborn niece’s infelicitous name. The challenge for me, then, was to react to his biographical information as if it were news (“Econ, huh? So then how’d you get into acting?”) and to not ask questions about things I wasn’t supposed to know yet (“How’s your niece? I mean — how’s Nice? In the summer? Ever been?”) I met this challenge, thankyouverymuch, but it required a mighty effort. And nohedidn’tcallwhateverthat’snotthepoint.

The point is: that was before Google.

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Rocky! Brad! Giles!
Rocky Horror… Buffy cast members… head exploding…