Trapped next to the closet on April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I try to be supportive, but a friend of mine is really beginning to tax my patience. She has fallen hard for a long-time friend of several years. Spending all their free time together, they are virtually inseparable. All their co-workers and family and friends fully expect them to get married. My friend thought that they would, too. So of course, something happens: he reveals to her that he is, in fact, gay. He has not come out but lives a double life. So now that he has entrusted her with his secret, he torments her constantly with every detail about his latest love exploits, even though he knows how she feels about him. What is worse is that he uses her as a cover–he has gone so far as to tell people that she is his girlfriend in order to keep his sexuality a secret. My friend goes along with it and rationalizes by telling herself, and me, that she doesn’t care what people think. If she doesn’t mind participating in this deception, it is not my place to say. But it does bother her, and she is calling me all the time to complain about it. It is always the same story. Of course she refuses to confront him, but continues to call me about it. She might as well just periodically play a recording of herself to me at this point. I have told her that she needs to decide what she wants and just stick by it, but it has become evident that she would prefer to do nothing and complain. I cannot tell her what to do with respect to him, but I appeal to Breakup Girl to help me figure out what I can do–I can’t stand to hear the same story over and over anymore–and it’t not like I have time to kill, but I also don’t want to abandon her–she has not discussed this with anyone else with the exception of one individual, and those discussions just ended in shouting matches.

Thank you in advance.
— Losing Patience

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Missed connections on April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For around a year a girl who I’ve become really good friends with has been in love with this guy from overseas. We both are mad internet fans (she met this guy on chat). I know it probably seems really interfering but I am so worried about her because she gets so upset whenever she doesn’t hear from him for a while… this may sound crazy to non-net addicts (are there actually any?!?!) but there it is. I’ve been trying to be supportive of her but I’m getting really angry with him because I’m the one (along with another close friend) who’s left to comfort her when he doesn’t e-mail/come into chat/phone for extended periods of time. THEN when he DOES talk to her it’s always about bloody computers! (He works with them.) It is really bewildering for her because one moment he says he loves her and wants to be with her blah blah blah and that he wants to come over here soon and the next he pulls on this “I’m too old for you… you need to experience more in your life!!!” I wish he’d just be consistent and let her know whether it’s yay or nay. I really don’t know what to tell her anymore and I’m looking for advice.

— Unsure and Worried

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. This Ask Lynn column is being promoted at Match on Yahoo this week…

This week Lynn advises Searching in New Hampshire — a 50-ish single mom looking for a man who is willing to date a woman with small children.

I have been online and have dated some but the minute I share that I have a nine-year-old, I don’t really hear back from the men that I’m corresponding with. I understand that most men my age have older children and have moved on from the kid thing.

Where should she look without moving to a bigger town? Read Lynn’s suggestions then come back here to comment!

Known unknowns from April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

“When you meet that one special person, you’ll just KNOW.” Everyone says that to me. Is it true? Or is love all chance and timing. I have been in love, but no one has ever made me KNOW. What is KNOWing like?

— Katrina

Dear Katrina,

Breakup Girl has noticed that there are some things it’s hard to get specifics on, like what “management consultants” do all day, and what it feels like to KNOW. Here are a few observations and suggestions that might shed some light.

1. Sometimes when people smile mysteriously and say, “Oh…I just KNEW,” what they really mean is “Oh…I just… can’t remember.”

2. Don’t assume that KNOWing always occurs in a lightning-bolt moment. Sometimes it just drizzles into our consciousness, so that when the moment of truth comes, the word “yes,” or ” no,” or “decaf” is just there.

3. KNOWing is not unique to life-lasting love. How else do you think Breakup Girl KNOWs how to respond to this question? Look around your life for other examples of when you’ve just KNOWn — a college or fashion choice, perhaps? You might find that you know more about KNOWing than you realized.

You know?
I know, I know.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Doesn’t KNOW look like a really funny word now? Know, know, know. Okay, I’m done now.

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Tired, whose girlfriend keeps breaking up with him without warning, and seemingly without reason…

My girlfriend of four months just broke up with me—for the third time. … She freaks out and breaks up with me… then she misses me, and wants to give it another shot.

WHAT is going on with this girl and should Tired stick around to find out? Read Lynn’s full column at Happen, then come back here and give your own advice!

BG hits the ice on April 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thank you so much for your web site and especially your advice column. Even when the advice doesn’t directly pertain to my own predicament of the week, I enjoy reading your witty wisecracks and thoughtful responses.

Anyway, here’s my beef. Call me blind, but it seems to me the only relationships between men and women that I am seeing (at least the ones that are lasting) are the ones where the woman is very sweet, saintly, subservient, submissive, not strong-willed, sassy, independent, self-assured. It’s like for the long haul the smart, funny, sweet, self-confident guys don’t want a confident, sassy woman who might disagree with them or have her own life, one who might question their authority or want to call the shots some of the time.

I think of myself as a decent person (although still smarting from being dumped by one of those so called nice guys about five months ago who ditched me for a needy subservient type). I lead an active life, I’m friendly and willing to help out. I’m also independent, stubborn at times, and am not afraid to do things for myself if necessary. I would like to find a guy who can handle that, but am also not looking for an overly macho type. Am I asking the impossible? It seems I scare away the guys who possess qualities that I am looking for or only get the leechy ones who have no life of their own and like to latch on to mine. Any advice would be appreciated.

— Sassy and Single

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This already-epic Predicament of the Week from April 27, 1998 actually includes three responses: One from Breakup Girl, a second from the mysterious “Guy at the End of the Bar” and then a rebuttal from BG…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This gets a little complicated, but bear with me, I’ll try to be succinct. “Ted” and “Carol” move into town, where they meet “Bob” and “Alice,” who are good friends of mine from college. All five of us quickly beome tight and hang out regularly. Inevitably the breakups happen. First Bob and Alice split. It’s long and drawn out. Then Ted and Carol split. It’s long and drawn out.

At this point Bob and Ted are living together as roommates and of course within a few months Carol and Alice become roommates. Then my girlfriend, “Millie,” goes away for several months. Carol and I hang out, a lot, and discover, ka-zaam, this wonderful connection. We don’t act on it, even though we both acknowledge it and talk about it. Finally in a defiant stupid drunken evening we do act on it. I feel like sh*t because I didn’t want to cheat on my girlfriend and we were both worried about all the possible ramifications from Ted, Bob, and Alice. So we agree not to be so stupid and forget about it.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. This new Ask Lynn column is being promoted at Match on Yahoo this week…

Curious (and Confused) Carrie complains of a boy she met online that went from flirtatious to flat within 24 hours:

We went on our first date this weekend … We ended the evening with a goodnight kiss (OK, three small ones) and things seemed to have gone so well. … I called him once and was sent to voice mail and have not heard from him since then.

How long should she wait to call again? (She thinks 72 hours.) Why has the stream of funny emails stopped? Is this about the meeting in IRL thing? See what Lynn thinks at Match, then come back here to give your own assessment in the comments below.

Nothing to fear but April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of two and a half years dumped me last week because he is afraid of commitment (that’s what he says anyway). I know he feels bad because he cannot even look at me without getting tears to his eyes. I also know that we were very happy together. He never mentioned the fear to me before then and I kept saying to him “I saw a really pretty ring today.” I am so confused because I know he loves me and I know this is tearing us both apart. I can’t even call him because I want to give him his space. I gave him a book yesterday about fear of commitment and how to overcome it. My question is should I even have any hope that he will be able to face this fear and possible come back to me? One of his biggest fears is kids. He does not want any kids but he thinks I do. I have tried to tell him that all I really want is him. I am so confused. HELP!

— Desperately In Love

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Knowing the score on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 48 and I just met a 33-year-old Swiss cellist who says I “stimulate him in every way possible.” Is it ridiculous to think of having any more than a “good time” with him?

— KS

Dear KS,

Well, you know what they say about Swiss cellists. I mean, I hope you do, because Breakup Girl does not. Perhaps you’re alluding to the age difference? Well, if you like him, give him a chance — just conduct yourselves adagio at first.

Love,
Breakup Girl