The purgative act of writing has long been balm to the agony of breakup — how else to explain 84 percent of pop music and the turgid poetry of many a 34 — er, 12-year-old girl? But when Kathleen Horan broke up with her long-time boyfriend in 2006, she penned neither love song nor journal, but rather something she felt even more fitting for her love’s grim fate: an obituary.

The idea led to relationshipobit.com — and now to a book, full of melancholy necrologies that begin like this:

Mary and Steve’s four-year on-again off-again relationship died suddenly of shock when Mary asked Steve if he had any intention of marrying her.”

(Condolences to their family and friends. Except the ones who say they’re “relieved.”)

Here’s mine:

Maria and Bobby’s love, which was born at a Chili’s in Maryland and went on to defy logic and fried food, died recently in New York. It was 10 years old.

The cause was an inability to commit, coupled with a refusal to let go of an ex-girlfriend, and lies.

The couple met when Maria worked as a waitress at the chain restaurant and Bobby came in as a customer with a friend late one weekday evening. The couple dated for about a year before distance came between them. But they stayed in touch through the years, despite several moves, failed relationships with other people and other life
problems. Then three years ago, they both wound up in New York. Both were single and a passionate love affair began. Unfortunately one half of the couple was more serious than the other, who was more emotionally damaged by his last relationship than he cared to admit.

The are survived by one set of Mr. Met salt and pepper shakers, a
shared love of Diet Pepsi in a bottle, and a cat that he hated.

In lieu of flowers, write your own here — or here.

Interesting (and belated; sorry) Comic-Con-related news (and cute headline) from the New York Times:

Reunited, and It Feels So Super

IMAGE UNITED is akin to a Beatles reunion. This six-issue comic-book series, which will be previewed at Comic-Con International in San Diego on Wednesday, brings together six of the seven founders of Image Comics— a group of prominent illustrators who defected from Marvel in 1992 to start their own publishing company— as well as some of the most successful characters they have created or developed there. It is not your typical comic-book team-up, in which a single artist interprets several other artists’ characters. Whenever Spawn, say, or Savage Dragon appears, he is illustrated by his creator. Throw in ShadowHawk, Witchblade and Youngbloood, along with Fortress, a new character, and you have a gathering of superheroes that is also a logistical nightmare.

Read more…

In a real life story that is mostly likely soon to be a major motion picture, a love letter that took 16 years to reach its recipient resulted in a happily-ever-after ending.

Steve Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez fell in love 17 years ago, got engaged, but then ended their relationship. Then a letter lost behind a chimney — but recently rediscovered — brought the two back together.

From the AFP article:

The missing missive was only found when builders removed the fireplace during renovation work.

“When I got the letter I didn’t phone Steve right away because I was so nervous,” Ruiz-Perez told the Herald Express local newspaper.

“I nearly didn’t phone him at all. I kept picking up the phone then putting it down again.

“But I knew I had to make the call.”

When they were reunited, it was as if time had stood still, said Smith, a factory supervisor.

“When we met again it was like a film. We ran across the airport into each other’s arms. We met up and fell in love all over again. Within 30 seconds of setting eyes on each other we were kissing.

Look for the film staring Penelope Cruz and Ryan Reynolds in a theater near you, just in time for the end of the year holiday season. That, and look for a letter behind your chimney.

Sophie Pollitt-Cohen has a very funny essay at HuffPo about her proposed changes to the New York Times’ hoity-toity weddings section.

Excerpt:

Less rich-relative flaunting. This isn’t the Common Application. Lines such as “the bride is a great-great-great-granddaughter of the New York banker and philanthropist Jacob H. Schiff and of Abraham Abraham,” sound ridiculous. More than one great is braggy. And why did great-great-great-grandfather have the same first and last name? One exception is Sage Lehman, “a descendant of Cornelius Vanderbilt.” This is exciting, because as a Gossip Girl fan I wonder how Sage will get that diamond back from Nate Archibald.

Via BuzzFeed.

JULY 22: Tomorrow!

How I Learned We Were Breaking Up. “How I Learned” is a monthly reading series featuring writers, comedians, bloggers and performers as chosen by hostess Blaise Allysen Kearsley based primarily on personal hygiene and make-out prowess. This month’s show features Dan Allen, Menachem Kaiser, [BG alter ego] Lynn Harris, and Diana Spechler. 8pm (doors open at 7), Happy Ending, 302 Broome Street (between Forsyth & Eldridge), NYC. FREE!

Obviously an image-makeover move, but mostly, he says the right things.

Normally I think we resent people on Facebook that have the same name as us, but these two found L-O-V-E!

Kelly girl sends a cyber shout-out to Kelly boy, and he answers back. Three weeks of viral flirting leads Kelly boy to head east to Florida to meet girl Kelly. A couple of months later, he’s relocating — and come October, just eight months after their first connection, Kelly Hildebrandt will marry Kelly Hildebrandt.

Read the full story at MSN!

True story: Not only did I meet a female “Chris Kalb” once, she was the German exchange student LIVING WITH MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE’S FAMILY. Of course she didn’t give me the time of day.

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month, starting with…

1. Do I Have To Lose Him, Too? has become close with the boyfriend of her friend who died of cancer. Now that its turning romantic, she worries what others will think…