That ain’t right on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I would just like to start by saying you have a brilliant page here…..

Well I’m 16 and I am dating a 33 year old man. We have been together for 5 months nearly. But the problem is not me or him, it’s everyone else. No one I know can understand or accept it. They all believe he is using me and that he doesn’t care for me. I don’t know what to think anymore because it feels as if both sides are brainwashing me. I believe he does care for me, and pray that he wouldn’t be just using me, as I lost my virginity to this man.

I sometimes hope I am not with him just so I can feel special and wanted, becuase he definitely makes me feel good about myself. My mother doesn’t know, but my friend’s can’t praise me for him anyway.

The only major problem in this relationship is that he wants it to be a secret…he doesn’t want other people knowing of it, and when we meet each other it’s always in secret, non-populated areas. Plus I must admit all he wants to do all the time is talk about sex and when we will be doing it next. But he always tells me he loves me. I’m so confused…

I just want to know is there anyway that this man could really be in love with me?

— Feeling Used

BG takes the question seriously after the jump!

Broken-Hearted Bob returns on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Remember me? Mr. Nice Guy. Well here’s my quandary this time.

I have officially changed my major to Fine Arts. And in doing so I go to a different branch of my college that is off campus. At the craft center, the whole place is different — it’s a completely different learning enviroment from the structured regimented classes on the main campus. This environment in turn breeds a completely different type of student. And all of the women there are TOTALLY COOL!! And there is one in particular I’m a bit sweet on. She and I hang out, and we just get along well. I was going to ask her out one day, and then we got to discussing age, my b-day is in a few days, as is hers. I was joking that since I was turning 20 that I would have to “grow up” and “get with the program.” She laughed and said that wasn’t necessarily so. Then I found out that … well, she will be 31 a week or so after I turn 20. Well, that TOTALLY threw a wrench in the works for me. But later we were talking and she asked me if I wanted to go to see “Something About Mary” with her cause she didn’t want to go alone. After the movie she and I went and talked for a while at a coffee house, my idea, then she wanted to get some beer, but my roommates aren’t cool with that so I took a rain check. We’d have gone to her place, but it is a half hour away and she was tired. We continue to talk.

Should I risk the relationship and ask her out, should I just sit on my feelings for her, or should I just go to her and say “Hey what’s up with us?” I have asked some of my more trusted friends and they don’t give me advice, they just kind of make robbin’ the cradle or “The Graduate” jokes. So well I must turn to you, oh great knower of things I don’t quite understand.

— Broken Heart Bob

BG helps an old friend after the jump!

In a relationship, is a big generation gap inherently icky?

My answer: You tell me.

As in: is your age difference an element of the relationship, or is it the defining factor?

Like, is the core draw that he is a George Michaelicious Father Figure? Or that she is super-Mrs. Robinsonic? Or the other way around?

To put it another way: if you two were roughly the same age, would all of the thrill be gone?

Because no, a big age difference is not by definition suspect, unless you are Anna Nicole Smith. Sure, when there’s a True Connection, age difference is downgraded to mere circumstance. And yes, Oedipus and Electra are allowed to play bit parts in your dynamic as a couple.

BUT. Lolita/o is not. AND. When the age gap is the main event, there’s probably something going on there [insert admittedly facile pop-psych blame-the-parents theory] other than — dare I say in place of — actual, equal partnership.

One more useful concept, courtesy of BG’s friend Louise. Depending on what you’re looking for, it’s not how old they are, it’s how donethey are. Done as in cooked. Ready. Steady. As in: sense of self no longer runny. Sense of purpose firm. Toxins [mostly] destroyed in heat of past moments. The key: someone can be warmed through at 25; frozen on the inside at 45. So when in doubt, skip the math; test for doneness.

This week we’ll be looking at the age questions you raised in your letters. Just let me find my reading glasses.

Over the weekend, the APA convention debuted the latest in a long line of studies about the psychological impact of superheroes on boys — a lineage one can trace back to Frederic Wertham’s infamous “Seduction of the Innocent” in 1954. These new studies are more rigorous than Wertham’s alarmist screed of course, but after 50 years of this sort of thing its hard to get worked up over it. Of course now the boogeyman is superhero movies, since they are more widespread than their print counterparts.

“There is a big difference in the movie superhero of today and the comic book superhero of yesterday,” said psychologist Sharon Lamb, PhD, distinguished professor of mental health at University of Massachusetts-Boston. “Today’s superhero is too much like an action hero who participates in non-stop violence; he’s aggressive, sarcastic and rarely speaks to the virtue of doing good for humanity. When not in superhero costume, these men, like Ironman, exploit women, flaunt bling and convey their manhood with high-powered guns.”

Of course there is a big difference between today and yesterday. Since the 1980’s, comic books (and video games) have increasingly been geared toward older and older audiences (the ones with the money) — teen, then college-age, and now even post-college age men as “adultolescence” becomes more prevalent. And of course today’s movie superhero is going to be more complex, if not more violent, than his comic book counterparts (especially the Twinkie-hawking ’70s versions that researchers remember) — that’s what blockbuster-moviegoers demand. I don’t remember the achingly innocent/authentic Speed Racer movie breaking any records.

The report continues:

“In today’s media, superheroes and slackers are the only two options boys have,” said Lamb. “Boys are told, if you can’t be a superhero, you can always be a slacker. Slackers are funny, but slackers are not what boys should strive to be; slackers don’t like school and they shirk responsibility…”

They could be right about there only being two choices, superhero or slacker. Have you seen the Green Hornet trailer? In this new formulation (desecration?) of the old radio drama, Seth Rogen plays a slacker who straightens himself out after his father dies. But does he get a job? No, he becomes a superhero! I guess he grew up on these messages that Lamb has been studying.

At the convention this study was paired with another, from Researcher Carlos Santos, PhD, of Arizona State University that suggested that boys seem better adjusted in their relationships when they resist internalizing macho images.

Look, if I have learned anything about relationships from superheroes, I have learned to keep women at arms length in order to keep them safe. Also, lying about what I do at night.

At the Daily Beast, Hannah Seligson, author of A Little Bit Married: How to Know When It’s Time to Walk Down the Aisle or Out the Door, blogs about the resistance to matrimony among GenX and GenY couples. Among the reasons she cites:

It’s an interesting topic. Among my own friends–many of whom have been married and divorced at least once–the major obstacle to marriage seems to be disenchantment with the institution itself, although I’ve also noticed that even the vehement nay-sayers seem to soften around the issue when their partners want to get hitched. It seems that, even if individuals are ambivalent about making it legal, our society as a whole is still pretty fixated on the idea–or else books like Ms Seligson’s would not exist.

I turn to you, reader: Is there a real difference between living together (or dating someone long-term without cohabitating) and getting married? If so, what do you think it is? And has that made you more, or less, interested in marriage?

Totally inappropriate on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok BG I have a good (long) one for ya. First off I am a just turned 20 male sophomore in college. Through the last years of high school most of my friends either moved off due to parents in the military or they went on to different colleges. Some of my old acquaintances went to the local university with me but they are not really the friends of old.

One of the more enjoyable habits I picked up was the local skating rink…as a child I hated it but now it is one of my favorite past-times. The problem stems from this…most people my age do not go skating cause it is uncool. This doesn’t bother me at all but does kinda take away some socializing with people my age (most people my age locally are drunks or druggies, I know there are some good ones out there but they are too hard to find.) Most kids there are around the 11-14 year age range. I am also active in Boy Scouts so I try to be a positive male role model in any way that I can. Many of the children there look up to me as a big brother or even as a father in rare cases. This is a high that none other could rival (except one). While I am there some of the girls confide in me with boy troubles…my main response is to give the relationship one more try then if it doesn’t get better then break up with him.(I feel as if I’m one of your branch offices but I enjoy it the same as you.)

(more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it true? Do guys inherently need to behave like imbeciles from time to time? I have been dating a guy for a month now; he’s 38, I am 25. The age difference is not the problem; he frequently attests to the fact that emotionally I am still light years ahead of him and, sadly, this is true. Regardless, we met through a mutual friend and have been dating steadily since. Daily phone calls, a few lunches and at least two movie/dinners a week plus weekends doing outdoorsy things together. Early dating bliss.

This weekend, however, he bought a new motorized water toy of some sort and took off with “the boys” for the weekend to test it out EVEN THOUGH he said he would call me and we would go out Saturday night. As I type, it is Sunday evening and I have not heard WORD ONE from him; he’d better hope he is lying in the hospital with a broken something or other or I am going to break it for him when I do hear from him.

Why on earth do they do this? I thought I was out of the red zone by dating a guy who was going through fraternity rush when I was in kindergarten, but apparently the problem is endemic and some men are simply resigned to the fact that they must take off from time to time like a pack of dogs chasing after cars they have no intention of driving.

Please advise.

— The Real McBeal

Dear RMB,

Eeaaaaasy, Ally. If he said he would call, then yeah, he probably should have called. BUT. Assuming he and his buds are not out there lipsynching to The Go-Go’s “Vacation” video, it is no more GUY behavior to take a weekend at sea with the boys than it is GIRL behavior to get all huffy about it. And to thus rush to judgment about men as a gender. And I do mean rush: it’s been a month. No time for his behavior to become a pattern. Or yours. Don’t let it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Knowing the score on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 48 and I just met a 33-year-old Swiss cellist who says I “stimulate him in every way possible.” Is it ridiculous to think of having any more than a “good time” with him?

— KS

Dear KS,

Well, you know what they say about Swiss cellists. I mean, I hope you do, because Breakup Girl does not. Perhaps you’re alluding to the age difference? Well, if you like him, give him a chance — just conduct yourselves adagio at first.

Love,
Breakup Girl

You’re both in the Fantastic Four. Does that mean you’ll make a Fantastic Pair? Not necessarily!

Check out the Top Five Worst Superhero Marriages and Top Five Least Romantic Comics Couples as rated by the comic sites and ComicBookResources.com and Comixology.com. In most ways, these couples’ differences are more human than super-human: their various love Kryptonites include commitment-phobia, age differences, cheating spouses, skeptical friends, the slacker/striver dynamic, manipulation (in this case, of the four elements). Let’s just hope BG and The Lone Loner never make these lists!

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet “Hopeful, Yet Hopeless.” (Hmm! That sounds promising, yet not.)

So HYH has this friend. They’ve got “so much in common,” and they’re even attracted to each other. Cue: the catch! There’s a 15-year age difference (check the letter to find out which way), and neither of them is Ashton Kutcher. But how much should age matter here — and is it really the issue in the first place? Which side of the “Yet” should HYH be on? Read the letter and response for the deets, and then come back here to comment!