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July 29, 2008

Now at MSN.com: Me-time before we become three?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 4:45 am

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet a fellow who’s about to become a dad…and he’s already “Overwhelmed.” The problem? When he’s home from work, his pregnant girlfriend basically won’t let him out of her sight — not to get a beer with friends, see [his] mom, or buy a pair of shoes, he says. How can Overwhelmed hang on to any shred of his “me” time? (And how can his gf not realize that she’s gonna want grandma on her good side?) Find out what Lynn has to say, and then, on your you-time, come back to comment!


  1. Dear Lynn,

    I agree with the Me time suggestions. But I have a few concerns: when the baby comes its the mother who is going to be busy 24 hours 365 days, will she get me time from MR Overwhelmed. I hope that then he is sensitive to her needs.

    Next is a question about something very wierd that has happened to me and a friend. After the birth of my child the husband would refrain from being intimate and when asked said there is no reason. This went on for 6 months. If its happened to two of us, it definitely happens to more women and I just wonder WHY? The woman is already going through physical and emotional drain and to add to it this. This is also the time they take up new projects and social work.

    Comment by RJ — July 29, 2008 @ 8:22 am

  2. I get it, I do but I think there is a side not being represented here. I have a 4 week old and just happened to notice this article on msn.com when checking my email. I have never “blogged” or done anything like this before but feel pretty strongly here. Yes, he has less if nill “me” time. His pregnant girlfriend doesn’t get any because she has a child attached (not at the hip but to her tummy.) Being a parent isn’t about getting what you want all the time. She can’t sleep the way she wants, she can’t necessarily eat/drink (caffeine, alcohol, fish, etc.) the way she wants, she can’t exercise the way she wants (I was an avid runner), etc. I loved being pregnant but understood there were sacrifices. Thankfully, my boyfriend did as well. He was everything and anything I imagine a guy is supposed to be when his girlfriend is expecting. I gave him or at least offered “me” time just because it made him a more pleasant person and supportive partner but I’m not sure this guy understands the “they” (baby attached) point of view. I hate to break the news to him but his “me” time is about to be demolished anyway. Expecting a child and having a newborn are two completely different things. Just my humble opinion.

    Comment by Dena — July 29, 2008 @ 10:59 am

  3. I agree with Dena here. He should really stop whining now because the me-time will completely disappear in a few months. I had a serious boyfriend (thankfully the relationship ended years ago) who demanded unreasonable amounts of me-time. It was a communication problem as well, when he told me he wanted some alone time, I said “Sure” and went shopping for a few hours, thinking that I was meeting that request. Turns out when he said that, he actually meant a minimum of 8 hours, preferably more, in one solid chunk. To me, who had never lived alone, always had a family member bugging me at some point, this was unthinkable. Once I actually figured out how much alone time he required, my response was always, “You’d better get used to not having this much alone time if you ever want children.”

    We ended up breaking up for unrelated reasons. Now he’s dating a girl that lives three hours away so they only can see each other every other weekend or so. They’ve had this arrangement for over two years. I guess he found his alone time! 😉

    Comment by christina — July 29, 2008 @ 11:29 am

  4. So, Lynn, can I just ask a couple questions, like are you SURE that the author of this e-mail was a MAN and not a WOMAN?

    Comment by Frenticgrl — July 29, 2008 @ 3:24 pm

  5. Dear Lynn,
    I would like to point out that my husband, who lately has taken to camping several times per week (more often than not he just goes without telling me of his plans) to get his “me” time, has now shown me your article as his excuse. I am sorry but leaving overnight several times per week is very different than needing a little “me” time (which he gets, since we have opposite work schedules). I think you messed up by forgetting that there is another side to this story. I hope other husbands will not be using this “me” time letter as an excuse. This guy sounds more like a commitment phobe who is freaked out that he is about to lose all of his “me” time for Baby time and no sleep. It seems like men just enjoy insisting that they are being “smothered” when asked to share life’s responsibilities.

    Comment by SP — July 29, 2008 @ 4:57 pm

  6. Lynn,
    I don’t want to be abrasive, but I am totally offended. She’s “needy and clingy”??? He’s “smothered” because he doesn’t get “me time”??? Puh- LEASE! He should have thought of that before putting her in a position where she LITERALLY won’t get any “me” or “alone” time for the next, oh, three years or so. And she’s needy because she’s been at home all day, by herself, in a totally emotional condition? Thats ridiculous. The poor girl likely doesn’t sit around at home all day eating bon bons and dwelling on how nice it is to be alone. She’s probably starved for companionship and conversation, nervous, and maybe a little scared about the prospect of pushing a whining, crying, little being the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of an orange. Meanwhile, Mr. Daddy is griping because he can’t go out and have a beer. Neither can she! He can’t go out with friends alone…guess what, neither can she! Not only does she not have a normal social life, she also has swollen feet, a nonexistent bladder, an in ability to eat her favorite foods, a lovely little bout of throwing up every morning, and emotional swings that would make a pschytzophrenic’s head spin.

    I hope that if I ever have a kid, my husband understands the concept of “us” and “family” and doesn’t focus on childish concepts like “me” and “mine”

    Comment by Martha — July 29, 2008 @ 5:03 pm

  7. Lynn,

    I hate to say it but I have yet to understand this whole “let’s have a kid while we are dating” thing. It might be me, but it seems like part of the whole situation being described in the above letter has to do with being in an unsecure relationship. There is nothing tying these two people together, either one of them can just walk away at any given time. No penalty, except for child support. I am pretty unsympathetic to the guy here, and not because I am a woman. He has taken to sneaking out behind his pregnant girlfriend’s back to what? Go drinking with his friends? Give me a break. If this is a true problem, it would have existed long before the baby came into the picture and he should have moved on then. Now, he can’t make a commitment to her and is leaving her feeling like she is going to be out on the street. What really needs to be said is that he needs to grow up and move on with it. The only ‘me’ time he’s going to get is at work once the baby is born. If he wants her to be less clingly then maybe he should take the step and propose to her. I doubt that’s going to happen since I don’t even remember him stating once that he loved this woman. Instead he writes a whole tirade against her, never saying why he is with her in the first place. If that’s not a sign of a dying relationship I don’t know what is.

    Comment by EG — July 29, 2008 @ 6:50 pm

  8. Wow, people are … wow. I can’t understand how his need for time apart to recharge is so condemned. He did say that SHE gets the “me time” she needs. (And it’s silly to say you can’t have “me time” when you’re pregnant, of course you can; manicure? prenatal yoga? decaf with a friend? srsly). The guy is not a robot. And once the baby comes, she can and should arrange a little time for herself and he should help, so that line is bogus also. If the shoe was on the other foot and a girl wrote in saying her BF didn’t want her seeing her girlfriends, the reaction would be totally different.

    And Dodger, ecological devastation and the energy crisis are super-terrific legacies, thanks so much!

    Comment by Aquagirl — July 29, 2008 @ 9:02 pm

  9. I too am a bit uneasy about your article. He said he works a lot. How much? 50 hours? 60 hours? She’s sitting at home without the man she married. She’s spending time with her family etc. That’s great. But if he’s working 10 to 12 hours a day and their only alone time is on the weekends or an hour or two in the evening before bed time, what is she suppose to do? Wait for him to say hey I have time for you now? What happens when the baby comes? She’s sitting at home waiting for him to have time for her and the baby when he’s working a lot? Where’s THEIR time? Marriages fall apart because the parents don’t take the time to recharge the marriage. I’ve been married 19 years and could see it with my own husband. I sat home with the kids while he was gone all weekend with his friends and when he was home he was sitting on the couch watching TV. We fought over and over again and all I wanted was a family and my husband to appreciate being my husband and being a father. When you get married it’s not just YOU anymore. It’s you and your spouse. And soon you will be a family. Grow up or get a divorce so you can have your own time. One thing I always told my husband….if you choose not to be around for your children or spend time with them….they will NEVER forget!!!

    Comment by Carrie — July 29, 2008 @ 9:22 pm

  10. Sorry. I thought they were married but I think everyone gets my point!

    Comment by Carrie — July 29, 2008 @ 9:33 pm

  11. Gotta say I agree with AquaGirl. He is not talking about camping three times a week. He says she gets upset when he needs to run out and buy shoes. This is not a healthy place to be for either of them. They BOTH need little teeny weeny moments of “me” time — even/ESPECIALLY when they are parents — and they need to spend some quality WE time together to figure out how to make that happen.

    Thank you all, as always, for your comments.

    Comment by Breakup Girl — July 30, 2008 @ 4:06 am

  12. I’m with AquaGirl and Breakup Girl. I’m pretty floored by the general assumption in all of these other comments that being in a relationship means being “immature” or “insensitive” or “selfish” if you want a moment to yourself. Yes, even parents – even NEW parents – can step out for a walk or a visit with a friend without the other partner. It’s called taking care of oneself, and of each other’s needs. Feeling trapped is just not a healthy way to start life as a family, nor is it a sign of lack of commitment to same. Healthy grownups need to breathe, literally and metaphorically. I have to wonder what is going on with the pregnant girlfriend, hormones or no hormones, if she doesn’t.

    Comment by Optimist — July 30, 2008 @ 7:08 pm

  13. […] Breakup Girl Now at MSN com Me time before we become three Posted by root 5 days ago (http://www.breakupgirl.net) Jul 29 2008 i hope that then he is sensitive to her needs she also has swollen feet a nonexistent bladder an in ability to eat her favorite foods comment by breakup girl july 30 2008 4 06 am powered by wordpress Discuss  |  Bury |  News | Breakup Girl Now at MSN com Me time before we become three […]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl Now at MSN com Me time before we become three | Weak Bladder — June 12, 2009 @ 8:21 pm

  14. […] girlfriend keeps him on a very short leash. Read the letter at Happen — or even check out our previous posting — and add your thoughts below! Tags: Ask Lynn!, needing space, parenting, possessive […]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » This week at Happen: Short Leash! — August 31, 2009 @ 10:37 am

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