e-mail to a friend in needNow at MSN.com: More hugging, less shagging
Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet Frankly Frustrated, who comes by his nickname honestly. What’s the problem? No love from his lover. “My girlfriend and I have a great relationship except for one thing: sex. There is no passion or excitement in our relationship,” he writes. And: “I try to initiate intimacy, but she just buries her head in my chest and hugs me.” And: “Kissing is huge for me, but she doesn’t like to kiss, because she says she can’t breathe out of her nose.”
Yyyyyeah. Lynn felt the same way when she read that line and snarfed her seltzer. How can Frankly get some heavy breathing back into his life? Find out here — and then come back to comment!
Find out what she told Frankly here — and then come back to comment!
Well, obviously Frank’s parents’ relationship wasn’t COMPLETELY without sex…
Comment by Misty — March 18, 2008 @ 11:18 am
My question is what is he doing to bring romance and excitement to the relationship? Is he doing anything to keep the fun in the relationship? Is he talking hot to her or having serious conversations about their sex life? Is he putting all the pressure on her to want to have sex or is he making her feel wanted? Is he just telling her she’s hot or making her FEEL like she’s hot? Yes, I’ve been in this situation. It’s not all on her, he needs to make her feel sexy, not just tell her she’s sexy. He needs to help her feel more comfortable and safe and excited in regards to sex. If he just rolls over on his side every night with his back to her, wating for her to make a move, that’s not helping. She’s not a mind reader, she needs to know he’s not happy. If he’s just going about his daily routine, without bringing any spark to their relationship, yeah it’s going to be boring and tired. I know both of them need to work at it, not just him, but is he really doing everything he can or is he waiting for her to do something? If she does have some kind of sexual hang up, he can’t put the pressure on her to perform, that’ll just make it even more difficult for her. He needs to use compassion and sensitivity, and also be her partner to help her overcome this.
Comment by Pattie — March 18, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
I’ve been in a similar situation with a former girlfriend. She told me up front that she wasn’t “very touchy-feelie.” I realized this as a potential issue, but hoped that we’d be able to find a “comfortable middle ground” where we could compromise.
We had sex infrequently. We hardly ever held hands. We never cuddled. We never made out. We would have a quick hug and peck on the lips as a hello/goodbye, but that was the extent of the regular intimacy. Instead of a “comfortable middle ground,” we discovered a large middle ground where neither of us was comfortable. My former girlfriend responded to her discomfort by lowering the intimacy level further. And like Frankly’s girlfriend, she didn’t like to discuss the issue.
While I intellectually realized that this lack of intimacy had nothing to do with me, this did little to mitigate the feelings of rejection. When I brought up the issue, she made it clear that she reiterated that she wasn’t “touchy-feelie”, and she made it clear that she didn’t want to listen to what I had to say. That felt like another form of rejection. Ultimately it was those feelings that led me to end the relationship. I did not want to continue in a relationship where I felt that way on a regular basis.
I never saw the difference in sex drives as a situation where someone was to “blame”. People are the way they are. (Well, maybe there was some blame for the unwillingness to communicate….)
In more recent relationships there has also been less sex than I would personally prefer. However, in those relationships there was plenty of other intimacy: backrubs, cuddling, making out, heavy petting, etc. I constantly felt that those girlfriends wanted to be with me. Therefore, I didn’t feel rejected, even in the case when there was less sex than in the earlier relationship.
Leaving the low-intimacy relationship was the right choice for me. Even if my ex-girlfriend had some hang up that could be overcome, I wasn’t able to help her fix something that she didn’t see as broken.
Comment by Karl R — March 18, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
Meh, sex isnt really everything, I think. it does create intimacy/emotional connection from what i’ev heard myself, but you are really putting your trust in someone you may or may not know too well.
my 2 cents is that the lady in the Q&A columns has some of her own baggage to deal with and perhaps thinks the fellow un trustworthy in her own mind?
in any case any realtionship is a two way street. if you dont communicate what the problem is then that in itself is a problem.
Comment by Karen — March 18, 2008 @ 6:44 pm
I, like Pattie above, wonder what he is really doing. I have been on the opposite side of the coin and have this to say about MY experience:
His timing was notoriously bad - wanting sex the second I stuck my hands in dish water, for example, but at no other time.
He would make rude comments about me (hair, clothes, etc) and then wonder later why I don’t want to snuggle.
He refused to touch me in any way that did not directly lead to sex (gentle hand on the back, light touch on the arm, whatever) in fact often jerked away as if burned when I would touch him.
Sorry fellas, ladies NEED to flirt with their man! And be flirted with in return. There’s a saying: treat her like a person, then like a Princess, then a Goddess, then a person again…too many of you get through the Goddess phase, but never return to treating us like a person, viewing us rather as some appendage of yours. You want to play with your appendage? Go ahead…and leave us alone for the men who realize we are people.
Comment by Other Perspective — March 19, 2008 @ 9:08 am
I had a similar experience to Karls’ my first husband told me he wasn’t real sexual or touchy feely, I on the other hand have a very high sex drive. I married him anyway and it was a big mistake. Eventually I cheated on him, it caused alot of people a lot of pain.
Bottom line if you really enjoy sex alot find someone with similar needs. No matter what you do you can’t raise someone elses sex drive if it isn’t there. Staying in that type of relationship makes as much sense as a carnivore marrying a vegetarian, the whole opposites attract thing doesn’t apply to humans.
Comment by suzanne — March 19, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
Get away from this woman now. Affectionate people NEED affection. You’ll fool around and marry this cold fish, and then after having kids and being stuck, you’ll suddenly realize how you wasted your life on her. Then you’ll find that passionate woman, cheat on the cold fish, then everyone will label you the bad guy.
Women like her are emotionally handicapped. They are selfish and interested in ONLY getting their needs met. Don’t waste your time.
Comment by lynn — March 19, 2008 @ 10:36 pm
However, some of the problem could lie with you. Sometimes women like men that are lousy in bed, because they are responsible, stable, and make good fathers. If that is the case, then you need to read, learn about a woman’s body, communicate with her as to what she likes, and be willing to please her in every way. Allow her to instruct you. Her responses will be your reward.
Comment by lynn — March 19, 2008 @ 10:39 pm
What is it about being treated like crap that makes people beg for more? They think the other will miraculaously change or it will work out. Then, sooner or later, there they are in the divorce column, and though they have not touched in ages, the “asexual” one cries, “I had no idea anything was wrong.” Frankly, if there is no mutual passion, it is not her fault, it is yours. Get out and find someone compatible while you have a chance.
Comment by trex — March 20, 2008 @ 1:15 am
This guy reminds me of my ex-boyfriend. All’s he wanted was sex and he sweated all over me. Drove me nuts with his constant begging, and it seems that’s all he wanted to do. I realized several years later when I had a great loving and sexual relationship with someone else, that the ex-boyfriend was terrible in bed and just immature in other ways. He used to always blame me, and it wasn’t. Turns out he’s married now and has gotten caught cheating on his wife at least 2 times.
Comment by laura — March 20, 2008 @ 7:04 am
i hate to burst your bubble here but you never took into consideration, which i seen between the lines in his letter, as i have experienced it. i thought i met the man of my dreams until 2 yrs ago, great relationship,great sex, until he got involved with porn on his laptop. sex no longer has any meaning and i dont want it or him touching me. just a consideration i think was overlooked, hard to go from being everything to a person to being almost everything, and i refuse to be his vessel to use while he has others on his mind. porn destroys many women, i am now one it has claimed, sex is meaningless, it no longer exsists with a loving, caring, relationship, because its been flaunted out there and shoved in our faces on a daily basis.
Comment by jeannie — March 20, 2008 @ 7:26 am
I know how Frankly feels. I have been married to this same exact situation over 15 years. I would be lucky to have sex once a month. After having kids, it all went down hill. I have been through all of the steps of trying. I am at the point of cheating on her to get my needs filled. My advice is to find someone that shares the same sexual interest. Don’t get married and fall into the same trap I have found myself in.
Comment by Eric — March 20, 2008 @ 8:02 am
Years ago I was in a similar state and we got married. She got pregnant on our honeymoon and there was little chance of it happening again. I was a highly passionate guy but she was quite opposite. The point is we stayed together for 15 years and made each other miserable. Frankly, get out while you can and find someone with as much passion as you. While she may have a lot of things you like there are other women who do too and you’ll find one. At age 38 I did and it has been wonderful, but I often think about the years of my prime lost in frustration. Don’y do it.
Comment by Ron — March 20, 2008 @ 8:51 am
Yeah I’m in a similar situation as Eric. !5 years married love the woman BUT sex was NEVER that great. I compromised because I loved her so much. I gave her everything affection, attention, etc, etc,. We talked MANY times. She was/is very happy having boring (to me) sex about once every 3 weeks. She is very satisfied, I feel like I am a tortured soul. I actually thought my sexual desires woulod slow down but they are only enhanced. YES I get my sexual satisfaction from porn now, and I am sure some day I will step out on her. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. DONT MARRY THIS WOMAN YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY TRUST ME!!!!!!!
Comment by Dranon — March 20, 2008 @ 8:56 am
Anyone ever thought about not having sex until AFTER marriage? Novel idea. You don’t have to have sex with someone to get to know them and love them. The sex will endear you to them not make you love them. You will love only the sex. Try having a sexless relationship before you are married and just get to know and love the person for who they are. Then, get married and then have sex. It will just make the marriage stronger. I am not saying that there shouldn’t be any sparks, there should. Having sex with someone makes you think you love them. Loving someone and waiting until marriage to have sex cements that love. All these relationships I have read here are based upon sex not love. As I said before, try love and marriage and then sex. It is amazing how that works.
Comment by Gean — March 20, 2008 @ 9:23 am
I stumbled on his letter on MSN - it seems like this is the story of my life. I have been married for 14 years - 2 kids - and just kept thinking it was my fault.
Comment by bobby S — March 20, 2008 @ 10:21 am
Even though I am a man, I completely understand this woman. I have a smoking hot girlfriend who constantly wants to have sex. I too have done the head in chest and hold me thing. She gets upset even if she doesn’t tell me so. I do not really like to kiss. I do kiss her but then she always tries to make an innocent kiss turn into a sexual romp. It turns me off to kissing her and turns me off to sex. I honestly don’t know why I am like this. I am sexually attracted to her and when we have sex it is good. We sometimes had sex 5 times a day. Sorry but a man can only take so much. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not a nymphomaniac. I just think she equates sex with love. And for me sex is a totally different thing than love. I love her with all my heart and would never dream of cheating on her. I do not surf porn or watch dirty movies. I just don’t want to have sex everyday. I am perfectly fine with having sex once every 2 weeks. I do worry about this because I know that it is a very real possibility that she will seek fulfillment elsewhere. She is not the only woman I have had this problem with. Some woman have told me I have given them the best orgasm in their life and cannot understand why I do not want this all the time. Or even worse, they do not understand how a man doesn’t want sex all the time and why I am not begging for it. This immediately leads into the “You’re cheating on me” argument followed immediately by the “You aren’t atrracted to me” comments. How can I possibly explain that while I DO enjoy sex, I love pleasing my woman and seeing the look of satisfaction on her face, I just don’t want to do it ALL the time. Women need to learn to back off, not read into something that is not there and give a man his space. I think if this guy just backed off and let his girlfriend come to him when she wants it, he may find that she will come more and more frequently and she will not feel guilty or pressured into HAVING to have sex with him.
Comment by Steve — March 20, 2008 @ 10:42 am
If you don’t resolve the intimacy sitluation before marriage, you will be frustrated throughout the duration of the marriage. You may hang in there hoping for improvement, but it is her nature. If you can’t handle it now, you can’t handle it. Don’t fool yourself.
Comment by Manual — March 20, 2008 @ 10:58 am
Wow. “Frankly” is very lucky. He at least was exposed to relationship issues early on and was able to act.
I have been married to my first wife and love for 18 years. Before we had kids I couldn’t keep her away from me. She was in the fitness industry and I was a full-time athlete. We had chemistry that all of our friends wanted and who are now all divorced.
Since the kids were born our sex life has diminished substantially and I’m ok with that because I love my children. She and I had an amazing relationship beyond sex, we were each others best friends.
Unfortunately, a few years ago she had an affair, she could never really tell me why. I worked a job that took me from home everyday, but yet, I was home every evening and weekends.
After kids we had sex 1-3 times a month if I was lucky, compared to 3/4 times per week before kids. We are both in excellent condition and as a man in his 40’s I still have the drive I had in my 20’s. She has orgasms nearly everytime, she loves everything I do to her, but the affair has been devastating, there is a lack of trust.
Now she isn’t interested at all in sex. She once told me that sex was a luxury not a necessity. I would say to “Frankly” just as others have said, move on and find someone who is line with your feelings, spirituality, sexuality, and beliefs, but be careful at the same time, it’s not all that rosy as it may seem.
Comment by D. Anthony — March 20, 2008 @ 11:01 am
If she were having orgasms, she would want to have sex. Or perhaps she feels guilty over having sex outside of marriage. Having sex because she is pressured into having sex when she doesn’t want to, creates aversion. This website has a section on overcoming sexual aversion. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html
Comment by Jackie — March 20, 2008 @ 11:04 am
There’s also another possibility. She’s like my Ex-wife and chemically imbalanced manic depressive. A fact about manic depressives is that all emotional developement stops at the onset of MD. In her case she’s came on at 9 years old. The only time we had sex was right before she ovulated. The bioligical urge to have kids overcame her emotional immaturity.
At one point she had been pregnant 7 times by 6 different men, mostly during our marrage.
I didn’t know about the problem till after we were apart when I went on a search to find what went wrong.
Dude, it’s not you, it’s her.
Comment by David C — March 20, 2008 @ 11:07 am
I agree completely with both Jeannie and Gean !!! #1) Has this guy and his girlfriend ever had a discussion with each other about their values? Perhaps she is someone who actually HAS SOME and wants to wait until she is married to have sex, in which case she is obviousy with the wrong guy as he has admitted to at least several previous sexual relationships with other women. Maybe she knows he has many, many previous sexual relationships and she is afraid of catching an STD from him. OR #2) maybe as Jeannie pointed out, he is into porn which I believe more women have a HUGE problem with than our pop-culture would like us to believe. With only a couple of exceptions, all the women I know despise porn and find it degrading and unacceptable as a form of so-called entertainement. I really think that any advice telling this guy that something is wrong with his girlfriend (not “Wife”, girlfriend) for not having sex with him is really irresponsible and dangerous !!! Many other young men reading that advice will get the WRONG idea that girls are supposed to “put-out” or there is something wrong with them and alot of young women are going to read it and think that they are required to have sex to keep their boyfriends even if it means throwing away their morals, values and even dignity.
Comment by Lisa — March 20, 2008 @ 11:07 am
I am a girl in a similar situation as Frank…the big difference is I have talked to my bf of a year about the situation (we have gone 2 months without him even wanting to touch me!) and i get one of two responses every time…either thats just the way he is and he can’t change or he reminds me that he has a 1.5 year old daughter and doesn’t need any more. Frankly his responses make me want to smack him to knock some sense in him but none the less I just let it go and hope that in time things will change. Any suggestions??
Comment by Lynn — March 20, 2008 @ 11:40 am
DAM Steve, give her to me! Any woman that wants to have sex with me five times a day would be shock to notice that five day later that we are still engage in sex. This confusion by the men befuddles me. They say they love these women, but don’t want to engage in fore play or are not enthused about having sex with their women. I say deep down you don’t love them and you really should reconsider your relationships.
To the gentleman whose girlfriend don’t want to have sex, you let six week go by without having sex with her because she is not interested? I am sorry dude, but you are a wimp!!! You are either trying to please her too much or acting like a lap dog. Son, you make a woman attracted to you. You make her want to have sex with you. Tell you what, the next time you are out dancing, and she does not want to dance close to you, go dance with some one else. If you out and you want to talk sexy to her and she refuse, turn around, and start talking sexy to the next woman who will accept it and tell you girl to go buy you a drink. Women do not like being ignored! Never that. And if she gets mad and want to say goodbye, say goodbye and mean it. She will either leave or change her ways. Either way, you will be the better man for it. And you will remove that wimp look from you face. Any true man knows you are wearing it.
Comment by Rickey — March 20, 2008 @ 11:47 am
I’m amazed at how many women want to put the blame on him. If she really has no iterest in him then she should say that and move on. Having been in his situation for 20 years i would reccommend that he get out now and not look back. Find some one that enjoys being intimate and start enjoying life.
Comment by Keith — March 20, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
Where is the love in this? Seems like Frankly has just added another woman to his list of sexual conquests…and he is only frustrated because sex doesn’t measure up to his expectations. Thank you for pointing out that sex isn’t the main issue…it only takes a few minutes out of a 24 hour day. Has he considered that when you have sex with a person, you also bring the results of sex with all other persons? What if he and his “girlfrind” come down with AIDS? Then he will be really frustrated huh? With marriage there is a commitment…a physical exam….a promise….the rightful bringing in of God perhaps into the relationship He first created and into a new relationship that He would like to be a part of. It is too late to restore purity to this relationship, but it is not too late to get right with God. My advice: Go to a Christian Church that teaches God’s Word this Resurrection Sunday (Easter)….and use that as a new starting date to do things God’s way rather than the way that seemeth right unto a man (Prov. 14:12). Otherwise that ugly proverb (Prov. 26:11) applies, “Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.”
Comment by Bruce — March 20, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
While my name is not Frank it is a match. My girlfreind feels the same way and I need the intimacy of feeling love. The cuddleing has even slowed dowm. She admits she has some issues but feels counceling will only open up more memories. And I understand. Some childhood issues can be so horrorfing that the brain blocks most of it out. And who would want to relive all those details.
As for my issue. I can no longer preform like I did when I was younger. And I know I can go to the doctor and get treated. But what is the sense in doing that if my partner wants to avoid sex. So I may be ok with a sexless marriage, but I would like to at least have a choice in it.
Bottom line is we all need someone to love and to be loved and to need and to be needed. We do make good plutonic companions.
Comment by John — March 20, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
And Bruce. God has been a big part of her life and she has reintroduced to me to THE WORD.
Comment by John — March 20, 2008 @ 1:09 pm
To Lynn,
In response to your question:
“I just let it go and hope that in time things will change. Any suggestions??”
If you let it go, it won’t change. Things will only change if your boyfriend wants things to change. I can suggest a couple things that MIGHT make him want to change (and they might not be sufficient).
#1) Get out and socialize. Find a guy that’s obviously interested in you. This works best if it’s a social situation where your boyfriend can observe. It’s a subtle reminder to both your boyfriend AND TO YOU that you are in the relationship by choice, and that you do have other options. You don’t need to do anything with the guy, and I’d recommend against doing anything beyond subtle flirting … unless you’ve already decided to leave your boyfriend.
#2) Tell your boyfriend that you’re not happy, and you’d like to work out a compromise that you’re happy with. If he’s unwilling to compromise, or if he’s unwilling to follow through on the compromise, then you need to be willing to leave. If you’re not willing to leave, then there’s no pressure on him to change.
Comment by Karl R — March 20, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
I too have been on the other side of this. My ex was demanding and selfish; he claimed I HAD to have sex whenever HE wanted it because that was my JOB as his wife. He would harass me day and night to the point that I hated any form of intimacy, then made me believe there was something wrong with ME. I would sometimes wake up to him attempting to have intercourse with me while I was asleep; another example was when he would not allow me to sleep unless I gave in. He was addicted to porn, jealous beyond all reason, and expected me to be his play-thing. Eventually our “relationship” became violent and I finally left for good.
I am now with a man who makes me feel beautiful and encourages me to to look good, without the expectancy of sex just because he complimented me. I can lay my head on his lap without the comments like “…while your down there…” (no, i’m NOT kidding).
Perhaps, the problem IS with Frankly. Perhaps he is not telling the whole story. My ex justified his actions, and truly felt there was a problem with ME. Now I know HE was just a disgusting pig!!
Comment by Michelle — March 20, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
OK - first thing, right off the bat, I want to say that I didn’t read every comment to see if someone said this or not. If already said, guess it will be duplicated.
This is my experience. Start of a relationship my partner didn’t want sex as much as I did. Since I believe that sex should never be pushed or forced, or make someone feel guilty so they will “give in”, we worked through this. However, I realize, like most have stated (those that I read) that while they understood this didn’t have anything to do with them it still felt like rejection. Overtime I quit trying to initiate it and just let it occur when my partner was in the mood.
As time wore on, my sex drive diminished. Then health issues made having sex impossible. After recuperation I just didn’t have the desire (partially due to surgery - no need to list the gory details).
We have had sex several times since this. Even though I didn’t/don’t find it particularily satisfying, the closeness (intimacy) shared was great.
The problem I encounter now - anytime I try to show affection/intimacy (holding hands, kissing, etc.) my partner wants to have sex. We have discussed it (we do everytime it occurs), but honestly I don’t like the pressure that I feel when I try to be intimate without wanting it to end up in bed. This just seems to be a viscious cycle.
Any thoughts?
Comment by Donna — March 20, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
When reading this case I automatically thought my boyfriend had written to Lynn about me and still think it’s him. The similarities are there for example, “Kissing is huge for me, but she doesn’t like to kiss, because she says she can’t breathe out of her nose”. Only, I have been the one to initiate any discussion on my lack of interest in Sex and what we can do to remedy the situation. So if this is my boyfriend, the account is incorrect.
As far as kissing goes (as with sex), he is not gentle and does not consider me (most people kiss with their noses diagnonally crossing each other not straight ahead. Now, I am clustrophobic and suffer from anxiety attacks, so “my space” is really important. And I feel that should be put into consideration, it’s not like I don’t like to kiss but there is no comfort for me and it frustrates me when I have to verbally tell him all the time, which makes me seem like a nag.
As far as sex goes, I have shared with him that for me and for most women sexual intercourse is intertwined with other things. We can always be spontaneous but when we are not, ROMANCE, kind gestures, special touches, touching without expecting sex and kindness in general effect my sexual experiences with him. We can not have argued or him not have talked to me all day and ME be ready to just jump on him the moment I see him.
I have literally S-P-E-L-L-E-D it out to him how I like to be touched, that I need romance, what I like in BED and he has not responded to any of that. In fact, it is the one arguement we continue to have. It’s like teaching a defiant little 5th grader who rebels against everything or feels they can’t be taught. But that has been my role ever since we’ve been intimate and I’m tired of it. It’s time for me to reap the benefits of my lessons, and he needs to step it up. I am not Asexual and neither do I think I lack the libido for it. For me it’s a mutual endeavor. At this point, there is no effort from my end because I have not seen growth and it’s the same ‘ol same ol’. We both need to cater to eachother, I have done my part and will continue to do so but I think it’s highly unfair that it’s one sided.
In early February 2008, we (I mostly) decided, that we should not be having sex until we work on all these things (romance etc). For the most part we have stayed with this mandate but we have had sex atleast 2x since then. The last time being ~ 2wks ago…eerily similar, eh.
Comment by mimi — March 20, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
I failed to mention that I like for the man to be aggressive as well in other words, even if I have said/if you think I am not interested be playful and make me want it. Don’t just turn away in surrender…I like to flirt and most women do!
Comment by mimi — March 20, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
“My girlfriend and I have a great relationship in every way except for one thing: sex.”
Frankly Frustrated,
Man, you really need to leave her. There is no other option. As a sensitive guy, I understand that you’re trying to be open-minded and make sure that it’s not you with the problem. Trust me, it’s her. Your “relationship” isn’t much of a relationship if you don’t have any sexual outlet, especially in the early stages. It sounds to me like you have a friendship. With that said, you don’t necessarily have to end the friendship. I’m willing to bet that she won’t be too upset if you suggest that you be friends and date other people for a while. Even still, from my experience it’s always best to just break it off, because all you’re going to do is compare the other girls to her. Which isn’t fair to the new girl because you just met her. It takes time to get to know someone. So break up with your girlfriend, get on a dating website and start living the life you were meant to live. Don’t settle for second best. Two years ago I dated my best female friend, and almost settled for her. We dated for two months and it wasn’t working out because I wasn’t really sexually attracted to her, but we were still active. Two months after breaking up with her completely, I met my current fiancee who is the girl of my dreams. Yes, even in bed, and I’m no amateur either. So Frankly Frustrated, go for it! You’ll be really happy you did!
David
Comment by David — March 20, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
I am in really the same situation, except I’m the woman. Talking doesn’t always work (though it’s certainly better than not communicating) and doctors just tell you that your option is to take testosterone, but that it’s potentially dangerous. She doesn’t WANT to hurt him, but she’s embarassed and depressed that she can’t provide for him what he seems to need (or even just want) - she probably doesn’t even know WHY she doesn’t feel like having sex, let alone how to explain it. It’s not like they don’t have intimacy, it’s sex. I will say, that the more stress that is put on her to do it, the more resentful (and unwilling to talk about it) she’ll probably be. And if he IS looking at porn on the computer, that will kill any potential for working things out (yes guys, we know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but for whatever reason it feels to us like you’re stabbing us in the heart). MY ADVICE: try not to pressure her too much, but also don’t give up so easily. Sometimes, if you keep with the cuddling (which you probably have begun to consider a no-sex-now sign rather than the expression of affection it is) and minimize the talking (we don’t want to analyze what’s going on the whole time - it REALLY throws us out of the having-sex-now mindset) we can concentrate on the feelings and eventually get into the mood and have an enjoyable, loving (and yes, steamy) experience with you. We know that guys sometimes turn on like a switch, and that EVERYONE expects instant results in this age, but some of us just need to be able to take some time and warm up to the sex. It’s not a reflection on you, but just the way our engine works. Now, if you aren’t (for whatever reason) willing to put the work into it, then do you both a favor and leave her. If you’re not willing to work at it, why should she? For that matter, if you’re not willing to work at it, the relationship must not be all that it could/should be.
On a side note, ask her to have her OBGYN check for vestibulitis and/or HPV. It’s reallllly common to have HPV, and it can lead to vestibulitis which causes burning at the entrance to the vagina… she might not even realize it’s going on, but it definitely can lead to a lack of interest in doing anything down there - subconscious or otherwise. I don’t know if it’s related or not, but after getting vestibulitis is when my libido disappeared.
In summation: take off the pressure, take it slow, and don’t analyze DURING sex. Think in terms of building up to the level of intimacy/sex you want, rather than tackling.
Good luck and don’t give up on a loving relationship because of a surmountable glitch.
P.S. Regarding kissing, she might just feel awkward, or she might be self-conscious about her breath (or yours), or any number of things. If she IS having trouble breathing, you might need to change your technique (it might be too heavy). Try less tongue and a lighter touch, with frequent catch-your-breath breaks. It can be playful and teasing (and tantalizing, which leads to… sex!).
Comment by Same Boat — March 20, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
So maybe “Frankly” is just not turning her on??? I am in a simular situation. My husband thinks by pinching my ass while I’m doing dishes & making grunts at me that he is “doing his part”. I am so hard to approach in his words. I like hot passionate sex….we have never had that. I just kept thinking it would get better…..it hasn’t…sadly enough. We openly talk about it….and nothing has changed.
Frankly - my advise would be get to now your girlfriend better! You sound winey, step it up & make her feel like a turly desired women.
To Frankly’s Girlfriend - Maybe you need to be completely honest with yourself & with your boyfriend.
Comment by Lexie — March 20, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
You guys, thanks so much for such smart, snappy, sympathetic comments! I don’t necessarily endorse every bit of advice therein, like the Take Her / Him Out and Flirt With Someone Else technique. (I’m not saying it never works, I’m just saying it’s perhaps best employed between Algebra 1 and Bio, if you know what I mean.) I think what’s clear here from all these comments and anecdotes is that people enjoy and require sex and intimacy at their own (not necessarily fixed) points along a spectrum. (That spectrum may also be a timeline, where the sex comes only after marriage.) And what’s important is that we be both gracious about others’ needs (or lack thereof) AND committed to making sure our own are fulfilled. THAT’S hot.
Keep ‘em coming! And don’t forget to take a spin around the rest of the blog, and the rest of the site.
Comment by Breakup Girl — March 20, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
im in the same boat. i need touching and kissing and holding hands which it all was in the beginning. we now have a son together. for the past 2-3 years its been slim to none. yes i have told her how i feel and it never changes anything. i get tired of rejection or i get the eye roll and she says “just do it…hurry up”. well i have been just “doing doing it” for a couple years and im here to tell you, it sucks. no emotion, its like doin a tree. i decided a few months ago i was tired of “just doing it” and getting nothing out of just doing it so i thought id not touch her or not just do it. now after months nobody gets touched and nobody is doing it. i think about cheating daily now. i do love her i do love our son and everything we have gained in our years together and i hate to give it all away. but im empty inside. be romantic you say…i tell her constantly how good she is and she does great things shes pretty and all that i make sure she gets flowers at work for every occasion (hell every single one of her friends want me instead of their own from her telling them how good and helpfull i am for her) i do a healthy share of the home chores and the raising the boy stuff so she has time to give me but she never does. i guess i need to leave her but i dont want to, i love her. i want things like they used to be, fun, passionate and loving.i also just wanna give up and leave.
Comment by pr — March 20, 2008 @ 4:44 pm
Why didn’t you just tell Frankly Frustrated the simple truth. She is bored with you or, cheating on you. Simple, to the put. Forget the BLAH<BLAH<BLAH
If she doesn’t even want to talk about it, guess what, probably cheating. How many women do you know who don’t want to talk about anything and everything. If she’s talk talking about it, or doing it, probably cheating.
Comment by Scott — March 20, 2008 @ 5:21 pm
Frankly could be my husband writing. We have not had sex in more than a year. I love sex, so does he. But like Mimi, I have drawn diagrams, been honest about what I like - at his insistance - but to no avail. I am at the point that the frustration of the act, not to mention the pain from the rough handling and jackrabbit technique, is not worth the frustration of no sex at all. There are also a couple of other issues that cloud the “moment”. He NEVER brushes his teeth and smokes three packs a day. The stench from both of those plus the hacking are a big turn off. I am not a smoker. Speaking of stench, he covers up his breath by piling on the cologne. I have spoken of this tactfully to him and he made light of it. Then I told him that it affected my libido and he called me “too anal”. I’ll have sex with him when I get a gas mask. Even clean hair and underwear would be nice. Please don’t think I play by a double standard. I work hard to keep my appearance up. My hygiene is good but not extreme. I am not giving up on him but I also have my standards. Sometimes one party or the other is condemned or whatever without knowing all the facts.
Comment by Rae — March 20, 2008 @ 6:00 pm
i feel the same i don’t want it…why…i dont know
Comment by fjifj — March 20, 2008 @ 6:06 pm
i ask him to be more romantic to turn me on and he thinks calling me sexy works. he wants me to dress up etc for him but where is my fun? what has he done to spice it up? nothing. i dont mind dressing up but that is to turn him on. again what about me.
Comment by fjifj — March 20, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
I guess from all these comments, this situation is fairly common. I’m going through it now with my wife of 1.5 years. She works a very demanding job and is therefore tired and stressed out most of the time. She worries about her body constantly, and her self-esteem is nearly non-existent. While I try to be as patient and supportive as I can, I get increasingly frustrated by her lack of desire. It takes all of my restraint not to bring it up every day, although we have talked about it periodically.
I don’t quite know what the answer is, but I know it’s not as easy as just leaving, especially when you truly love the person (and are happy with the non-sexual intimacy). I’m going to try and talk my wife into couples therapy and I suggest you do the same. Hang in there.
Comment by Adam — March 20, 2008 @ 6:12 pm
one kiss and he pounces.
one touch
one hug
…so that is why “we” then cant get close because we know that
the affection will get twisted by the partner.
like a dog in heat. he pounces. if he backed off “we” might come
on more. not every touch has to be about sex but for men it does.
i feel he has ruined it, not me.
Comment by fjifj — March 20, 2008 @ 6:13 pm
To Bruce you believes the answer is in scriptures. Even good chritians need a loving relationship and that generally includes sex. Am i do believe that good christians don’t have sex?
Comment by keith — March 20, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
It seems like for whatever reason, she’s afraid to have sex. The whole barrying her face in your chest when you try to initiate. That is a sure sign she’s saying, “please don’t touch me.” There could be some emotional block. It’s also very possible she has a history of sexual abuse.
Sex is a very sensitive issue, and if a girl refuses to have sex with a guy, 9 time out of 10 it has nothing to do with her interest in sex, she’s either broken over something, or is not romantically interested.
Comment by dr — March 20, 2008 @ 6:58 pm
In my opinion there are only 2 reasons why a woman will not have sex with a man that she is involved with and enjoying his company otherwise: 1: she is involved with someone else or 2: just wants to be friends and enjoys the things you do together. She is definitely not attracted to you any more. I strongly suggest option one is at play if you have enjoyed sex in the past, it is highly likely she is seeing someone else. Either way, you need to talk and get on with your life. Don’t marry this woman!
Comment by Pat — March 20, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
wow, Lynn’s advise is probably the worst thing thats written on this topic, no understanding of psychology whatsoever, her whole advise just seems to be a whole lot of blah made to fill the page.
first off, if this lack of interest in sex from whoever’s side has been there from the beginning, then there is lack in communication between them as it is only now he complains about. They do need to talk about it, what are their boundaries/limits, can you both adjust and accept each other? If it has been going on recently, then there is a problem, in the relationship, and it is not just her, maybe she is moving on, maybe the relationship is not as great as it sounds, maybe she doesn’t see an afford from his side. Maybe she should see a therapist to relax but it will not magically make things all better for him. If both people are falling out, meaning she becomes distant and he pushy or he starts looking for something else, then it doesn’t sound that both people will make an efford to continue this wonderful relationship. However if they are fathfull and enjoy each others company then give each other a break, if they do come back to each other, maybe they will work it out. refusing intemacy is a silent way of begging for personal space.
Comment by aludie — March 20, 2008 @ 8:50 pm
Steve (17), thank you! It is exactly what I am trying to tell my husband. We have been married for 30 years and I have always been less interested in sex than him but he always get personal about it and sometimes it would take days before he could agree that getting offended and feeling rejected probably isn’t the right way to solve that. At some point I was even encouraging him to leave me and find somebody who would be a better match for his desires but he says that he loves me too much and leaving me would break his heart. And when I am trying to question that he would just get so sad and I feel sorry for him and then we have sex just becacuse I feel sorry for him. It is crazy? I don’t know why I am still here but after 30 years together with one person …..
Comment by viwo — March 20, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
Other points Lynn Harris may not have considered: 1) Has he seen a periodontist lately? 2) Does he drool? 3) Is he, you know, a considerate sexual partner? 4) Is she of the age of consent? 5) Is he?
Comment by emma — March 20, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
After 25 years of marriage, I can honestly say people don’t change that much. If a woman finds fault in a man, that fault isn’t going to change and visa versa.
If the sex drives are different or incompatable in the beginning, please understand this is a situation that will not significantly change over time. You can’t make someone into who you think they can be. If sex is needed more often by one partner than the other, for whatever reason, the one in need will be in need for the rest of their life. After 25 years of needing more sex than my wife I have reluctantly accepted the fact I will never have the sex life I want, need or hoped for. No amount of “romance”, talk, cajoling, or other actions will change the situation. It’s not me, it’s her innate genetic make up. She simply doesn’t want sex more than sporatically. I however would like it several times a week. No one is “wrong”, we just have different needs.
To “Frankly”, I would say stop and take a break. She may be a wonderful person, but if she can’t meet your needs, or you can’t meet hers, this needs to be realized and accepted prior to marriage. Cheating, porn or other methods are not a viable alternative for any self respecting individual. Especially if you know up front what you are getting yourself into.
If you don’t want to find yourself in an unacceptable situation in a few years, take the immediate pain now an end the relationship. It may be impossible to do so later.
Had I known then what I know now, I don’t know what I would have done, but I would have accepted the situation as it is and not tried so hard to change it for 25 years…making both of us miserable dealing with it.
Comment by dave — March 20, 2008 @ 10:24 pm
Of course she doesn’t care about sex. SHE’s a WOMAN! You haven’t figured that out yet? I lived 25 years in a relationship that permitted intimacy once every 12-18 months. Why? Because I’m stupid. Buy a sports car. Travel the world. Take up several hobbies. Experiment with good wine and food. You’re life will be much more fulfilling. I didn’t figure this out until my mid 40’s. Trust me, sex is no big deal.
Comment by John — March 20, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
RUN LIKE HELL DUDE! You are going to find yourself alone and wondering what happened to the last 10-12 years. The courts wont care why you left and you will be “visiting” with your kids. GET OUT NOW. It doesnt matter why she is like she is, trauma or whatever. It only matters that it isnt compatible with you. RUN DUDE. JUST LEAVE THE CAR RUNNING AT THE STOPLIGHT JUMP OUT AND RUN SCREAMING “I JUST WANNA LIVE!!!” SHE WILL FIGURE IT OUT! But when you dont, think back on this in ten years and at least know you shoulda….
Comment by grant — March 21, 2008 @ 12:27 am
how fast can you pack and get your butt moving? let me tell you how this problem works out long term. the same problem happened to me after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids. “STAYED TOGETHER BECAUSE OF THE CHILDREN” heard that one before? seperated for awhile, now after over 30 years of marriage it’s like being married to your sister. GET YOUR ASS OUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HER (OR HIM)!!
Comment by Bob — March 21, 2008 @ 1:20 am
So, my “boyfriend” showed me this article today and said that this guy’s situation is just like ours, and he’s now telling me I’m asexual or homosexual… That is not so. This “relationship” (if you can call it that… he only says we’re a couple when he wants sexual pleasure) is the first one I have ever been in and it is weird and always has been. It was what I had always hoped for in the beginning. After a couple of months, he started making rude comments to me and he would never cuddle or kiss or hold my hand. If I got too close to him in public, he would lean the other way. He still doesn’t want any touching, unless it’s sexual. Now how am I supposed to “get in the mood” when I know he doesn’t want to even cuddle with me? And when we do something sexual HE gets all the pleasure. He told me many times he wasn’t attracted to me and he’s just now started telling me he has “grown to be attracted to me” since I haven’t been giving him any. Now how is that supposed to turn me on? He’s SO demanding and verbally abusive, yet blames everything on me and I really need to seperate myself from this person, but I guess I keep hoping that he will change. I really like him when he’s nice, but deep down, I know there will be no change until he realizes that he is in fact doing wrong. I was so much more confident before I met him and he has really broken me down. Why would I want to pleasure a person who treats me so badly? So, no I am NOT asexual or homosexual at all. I really want to be able to devote my love to a person who will treat me the way I deserve.
Comment by More Frustrated — March 21, 2008 @ 1:44 am
I feel you folks missed a very important clue in this story. The girl said she can not breath when she is kissing. She needs to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor. It sounds like she may have a serious sinus problem such as polops. If she does, then kissing does not produce the stimulation it should but instead produces a feeling of strangulation. Not being able to breath through one’s nose causes many throat and lung problems. This can lead to low oxygen and high carbon dioxide levels in the blood. This can cause headaches, upset stomach, and many other problems during and after intercourse. You must be physical and mentally fit to enjoy sex. Many people donot know they have a problem. I found mine when I took scuba diving lesson. I could not equalize the air in my ears.
Comment by Gary — March 21, 2008 @ 11:54 am
I find it funny that no one notices the GLARING problem here. He states, “when I try to initiate intimacy, she just buries her head”. INTIMACY is not SEX. Since most women do not get the same things out of sex that a man does, a man must be open to give his woman other forms of intimacy. Right now, she does not want to touch him because she fears every time she does, it will ring off as a green light to get nekkid. He, in turn, thinks if he does not get it NOW, he will not get it at all. They need to fist, have a very frank descussion WITHOUT pointing fingers, then re-establish their connection with non-sexual intimacy and build up.
Comment by tamara — March 21, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
To More Frustrated: You are on the right track when you say you need to be able to devote your love to someone who will treat you the way you deserve. The way you describe it, this guy doesn’t sound like that guy. You all: relationships can be hard, yes, but they’re not supposed to be THAT hard. I am especially uncomfortable with the bit about how you used to be confident but he has broken you down. That is NOT how it’s supposed to be. Good relationships, even ones with rocky patches, are supposed to support you, not destroy you. Can couples get past seemingly insurmountable obstacles? Yes. Can partners, with support, change in ways that surprise everyone? You bet. Is one partner 100% right while the other is 100% wrong? Rarely. But there also comes a point where you call it: chances have been given, but hopes have been dashed … over and over. You, MF, may be at that point. If and when you feel you are, call a trusted friend and get support in getting out.
Comment by Breakup Girl — March 21, 2008 @ 7:35 pm
I am in the same situation with my boyfriend. I always want to have sex, make out, touch, be affectionate, but he never does. Like Frank I constantly feel rejected too. I just wonder if all relationships reach a point where the sex and affection fade over time. It’s the worst feeling to lay next to someone at night, want to be with them sexually and then not be able to have sex with the one you love. Frank you should really get in contact with me maybe we can help each other out. To the guy who said he has a hot girlfriend but still doesn’t want sex that often I found that interesting and it gave me a little hope in that maybe people really do have different levels of sexual desire. Anyway just wanted to say I can relate Frank your not the only one going through something like that.
Comment by Gina — March 22, 2008 @ 12:18 pm
I could probably be considered That Girl in my current relationship. I have always had an active sex drive, and firmly believe that when guys claim a woman doesn’t want to have sex, most of the time it’s really “She doesn’t want to have sex with you.” I will totally admit that my fantasy life is still active, and that I flirt and such all the time. So why the situation?
I love this guy. He’s my best friend in a million ways, and we can talk about anything for hours upon hours. The companionship I have so often longed for in my past relationships is there, and I hardly want to let that slip through the drains. Especially not when we share so many values, and dreams. After four months we can still talk until midnight most nights. But I find that I’m starting to avoid those conversations because he wants to have sex and I don’t- with him.
I recognize that I’m turned-off by many small things, but they’re things he can’t necessarily change. I had always assummed if I focused on the things I loved it would be fine and the pros would outweigh the cons. But the pros DO outweight the cons in numbers and I’ve still contempated cheating because of the “fun factor.” Sex with my boyfriend is sweet, goofy, and whatever, but it’s rarely exciting, passionate, titillating. Other men provide banter, innuendo, and build that tension that my boyfriend can’t create. As a result, we’re becoming roommates, but not because I don’t want sex but rather because the relationship has become one in which I’m not turned on enough by him to want to initiate and show him what I want, and on the other side, when he initiates it just isn’t that interesting. I can have an orgasm everytime, but it’s just not enough.
Comment by Sharon — March 22, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
In every relationship it’s give and take. While a lot of people confuse love with sex, however this is not the case, sex does not equal love. In fact, when you truly love someone you’ll make sacrifices for that peoson and vice versa; hence, the give and take aspect of a relationship.
If you really respect and care for the other person, you’ll respect their decision to wait. The more you pressure someone, the worse matters will become until eventually the relationship falls apart. There are all sorts of things that you may disagree on, and sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
A few suggestions: maybe there are issues from her past that make her less receptive to sharing that part of herself with you. Also, maybe since your parents had a sexless marriage, sex has become too high of a priority for you, hence the pressuring (not only are you pressuring her, but you’re also pressuring yourself.) Counseling may help both of you to communicate your feelings and figure out if you should be in a relationship or not.
Comment by SC — March 22, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
take it from a guy who knows, if its not working out and your not happy, (thats why you wrote in) no therapst will help. you have to move on. you guys are just not compatible. Question did she climax the last time or any time you did it? if no move on, if yes shes nuts move on. good luck
Comment by greg — March 24, 2008 @ 8:57 am
Oh my god. I think this was written by my boyfriend - whom I just broke up with for this exact reason. He said the exact same things and when I tried talking to him to explain to him in a non-hurtful way - that he was terrible in bed! It was the worst sex of my life. He claimed to be a great kisser and was arrogant about his skills in the bedroom but just because he was well-endowed by no means meant he was good in bed. I tried coaching him but I’m 27 and he was 42 and there is something wrong with a a girl 14 years younger trying to teach a grown man how to have sex. It was so bad I got nauseaus just thinking about it. I tried many times to teach him but he was clumsy and it was always so awkward. I came to realize it was not going to change and it was starting to affect my perception of him. It also made me realize that although we were great friends - that’s all we were. Sometimes, people are just not compatile. There was no chemistry. Not even from the beginning. Sometimes its just not meant to be.
Comment by Leigh — March 24, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
Funny how throughout the comments, it seems to be all or nothing. Either Frank is an insensitive and lousey lover or his girlfriend is a cold fish. Even after all these years of openness about sexual issues, the men commenting about the lack of interest in the wives they’re planning to cheat on have not a clue about women and women’s sexuality. And weaving throughout the women’s comments is a sense of total frustration over the lack of men’s understanding of women and their sexuality. They seem to think it’s intentional. My guess is, it’s more a matter of laziness. Learning what makes the opposite sex tick takes a lot of hard work - reading, talking and - this is where it really gets tough for the guys - listening. Real listening, not the kind of involves hearing wah, wah, wah, wah, while you’re nodding your head and trying to force a look of interest.
I have to admit, I’m on the wavelength that Frank has never bothered to make the effort to figure out what his girlfrind needs from him in order to develop a real desire to have sex with him. Or maybe isn’t willing to provide what she needs. He complains because she just wants to cuddle. Well, Frank, do you ever just cuddle, without trying to make her feel inadequate or guilty, without trying to push it further? Have you read any books, written by women, by the way, about what makes women feel sexy - vs. what you learned from your high school jocks friends about pinching women in the butt or oggling their boobs or making suggestive but borderline offensive comments? Do you enoy the process of making her feel ready for the next step in sex without making her feel as though you’re making a great sacrafice for her? Do you express intimacy with her in other forms and at other times vs acting as though she’s no big deal until the moment you decide it’s a good time to stick it in her? If you can answer yes to all those questions honestly, then it’s time to look at your girlfrind and ask whether she just might not find you attractive or might be cheating or might have some issue that needs therapy. But from most of the guys comments here, I don’t think many of them have put much into developing a good healthy satisfying relationship with their wives/girlfriends, and are now blaming their wives/girlfriends for their being lousy in bed. And to those guys - it will be the same thing with the next wife or girlfriend after awhile. Women’s hormones seem to overcome the lousy sex for quite awhile - and so sex is usually hot and heavy initially. But the selfishness and lack of consideration and personalization of sex gets to be a real turnoff after awhile.
Trust me guys. If you actually get good in bed - and out of bed - very few of you will find cold fish in your bed. Look to yourselves and how you’re treating your wife/girlfriend for the problem. But look honestly at it, not just whether you’re giving her what you think should be sufficient.
Comment by Lynn — March 24, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
To me this sounds more like sexual aversion or sexual anorexia. Some of the more current research suggests this is actually a form of panic disorder. I had to go through this too, including the concern over a lack of air. I would guess she has either an extremist Christian background (fundamentalism anyone?), a sexual abuse history, or both.
Pressuring her for sex will not help (she’ll just pull away to test your love further) , but sitting back and doing nothing about the problem is a bad idea also. You might want to try telling her that you love her and care about her, and that you’d like to have a close relationship if and when that is possible.
Tell her if that is not possible now, you are willing to wait, and always ready to talk. Then give her space, all the time making sure she understands you are her friend. You might get tackled or you might get dissed, but either way you’ll have a fighting chance.
Comment by Gunder — March 24, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
If a girl isn’t enjoying sex with her partner, then she won’t want to continue having it.
Comment by mesaAZgirl — March 24, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Uh, yeah…it’s called a clitorous. I suggest Frankly read a book about it and stop begging.
Gee, I wonder how much Mr. Frustrated would want to have sex if he never climaxed?
Idiot.
Comment by Miss Holloway — March 24, 2008 @ 5:15 pm
Frank, you need to find another girl- she has lost it. Not that she was settling with you, but she is embarrased in ways unexplainable and wants something else, that you don’t do, but she never tells you really what it is cause she wants you around for the sake of not being lonely or that you know to much about her and help her out in ways dependently. you need to separate and leave her and find another girl, yet that is something hard to tell someone to leave and hit the road with no direction. in your own direction you go you will come across different people who will intrigue and interest you and some of those will be interested in you, a hard fact of life is meeting new people, move and find new people.
Comment by jamie — March 24, 2008 @ 8:13 pm
I often wonder if there is something at play regarding pheromones (the natural scent of people). I have found that in the past, I have been very sexually attracted to some people (where i am always in the mood for sex) and not as attracted to others (where i feel like sex is work and not enjoyable). It’s really odd because a boyfriend I was not sexually attracted to, I was attracted to his physical looks. He in fact had my favorite body type! However, there’s something about his scent that did not keep me coming back for more… very strange! It caused a huge problem in our relationship and made me feel like something was wrong with me - that i had a low sex drive, when in fact I know I’ve had a huge sexual appetite in the past. I often wonder if anyone else experiences this.
Comment by betsy — March 24, 2008 @ 9:57 pm
Maybe she actually can’t breathe out of her nose. My husband has a much bigger nose than me, and I do occasionally have to poke him in the chest to inform him that he’s suffocating me. That said, there’s nothing wrong with our sex life. (Also, I agree with the commenter who suggested checking for polyps)
Comment by Louisa — April 5, 2008 @ 10:11 am