I am totally calling AppleCare. HOW did the BG supercomputer miss this yesterday? No, not this, THIS! On the one hand, it’s no surprise, given this. On the other … aw, I’m just sad. They honestly seemed like a good match! (Not even gonna go into this.)

And, frankly, yes: I’m feeling a little bereft about the fact that neither has called BG for super-support. Guess maybe they’re aware of le petit conflict of interest?

So okay, I’m just going to pop some popcorn, make some Sleepytime, and work my way back through The Red Shoe Diaries to see if I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong.

James Gunn’s PG Porn. SFW!

Ending: Meh. Male lead: PRICELESS.

Kind of puts certain things in perspective, actually.

“I don’t know if you know about ‘The Valley,’ but a teenager getting knocked up is certainly not news for us,” said [Wasilla resident Caleb, 29]. “So I am not at all surprised. As for Levi Johnston, what is the big debate? Last I heard he was going to marry Bristol. Why wouldn’t he?”

The comedian Bill Maher has called Levi “America’s number-one political prisoner.” He’s begged the youth to remember he still has options. “This is the 21st century, at least in the blue states,” Mr. Maher said on TV the other night. “You don’t have to do this. You have options,” he said. “Just grab your skull bong, climb out the window and get on the highway.”

“What I’ve heard from family members is that it was a high-school sweetheart kind of a deal,” said [Josh Sieler, 26, born and raised in Wasilla] of Levi and Bristol. “In Alaska people tend to get together with somebody—and let me think of a way to say this—it doesn’t seem as frivolous as it does down in the states. There’s not as much of a guy-girl ratio; there’s not a whole lot of fish in the sea in Alaska. You know, I married my high-school sweetheart and we’ve been together 10 years.

“If anything, I think it’s going to make things easier,” he continued. “You know, having snow for nine months a year, winter nine months a year, I absolutely would go insane if I didn’t have a wife next to me, or a significant other. It’s nice to have a companion in Alaska. I wouldn’t say that he has to all of a sudden give up any aspirations or goals that he has in his life. As far as ‘getting out,’ you know, it’s hard to get out of Alaska. You figure we pay $500 to go to Seattle round trip.”

From this week’s New York Observer.

Here’s a sweet New York Times story about Gotham’s storied marriage bureau (locus of Matt Damon’s lowest-of-keys wedding to Sarah Silverman Luciana Bozan).

As the Times reports, the office itself may be heading for an extreme makeover — but it’s still a nice reminder that not all nuptials are extreme weddingpaloozas.

Let’s say I, all 34 unwed years of me, was Bristol Palin’s older sister. I wonder how our mom (first name: Hockey) would introduce us to constituents and rallygoers. Would she moon over Bristol’s courage and convictions for surrendering to a for-show, shotgun wedding to a gutter-mouthed hunk of man-child, then mention me with a half-joking, “And here’s our choosy one.” Or worse: “And she’s single, guys!”

Signs point to yes, if (if!) the McCain-Palin ticket falls into lockstep with the Bush adminstration’s marriage propaganda programs. And if this analysis of the pro-family photo ops that ran throughout both conventions holds water. Not only would I be shunted to the kids’ table come Thanksgiving (the sort of holiday embarrassment I’ve fretted about before), but I bet Bristol — half my age! — would be promoted to the adult table by virtue of her less-than-virtuous insemination.

If marriage must be mandatory for an invite to A White House Family Christmas, at least let it defy the Republican party’s seeming “do as I say, not as I do” pedagogy and stiff-limbed public appearances. Whether you’re single, married or somewhere in between, there’s little denying that the Barack-Michelle union’s got zum zizzle, baby — evidently enough to carry them through awkward spouse-gaffes with humor and aplomb. And that many think their mere presence together on a world stage could do more in defense of marriage than any “fatherhood grant.”

Broadsheet’s Amy Benfer recently highlighted some antediluvian romantic advice from Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, star of “The Real Housewives of New York City.” Apparently the countess thinks she’s just dripping with gems of wisdom, which she shared with two women sitting together at a bar (one of whom happened to be surfing on her Blackberry).

Without tearing into the racist, sexist, ignorant comments that framed her words, I will attempt to deflect her message in its entirety with my Wonder Woman bracelets.  Fwing! Zing!

Sayeth the Countess, “When men see females on their BlackBerrys working hard, it really turns them off. Men like women to be females, to not be like workaholics, as that comes off as being uptight in the bedroom and control freaks.” How confused is the countess? Let me count the ways:

1. Smartphones are usually indicators of success, money, and social connection (attractive things, unless we’re in bizarro world), and in bars they are kept handy for social reasons, and also for looking up which actor from that show played the guy in the movie.
2. Dear men, have you ever been turned off by a woman who could settle your bar bet with her Bat-phone?
3. No one likes to feel neglected or ignored in the presence of a Crackberry, but she’s not saying “don’t be rude.” She’s saying, “Men won’t want to rescue you if they think you don’t need it.” The countess also doesn’t see the difference between “workaholic” and “gainfully employed.”
4. The work/life/love balance deserves thoughtful advice, preferably from those who actually walk that tightrope every day. I’m sure our readers have some valuable insight and anecotes.
5. It’s dismissive and just plain unhelpful to say that all men like a certain thing. Figure out what you like.
6. “Uptight in the bedroom” HA. HAH! HAHahahahahahahhaha! Honey, if you only knew!

I guess I shouldn’t be flabbergasted that a woman with an old-world title has a damsel-in-distress outlook on marriage, but I like to think that’s part of why people set out in pursuit of happiness to the new one.

Again I say: Those poor kids.

From the Times of London, via TPM:

In an election campaign notable for its surprises, Sarah Palin, the Republican vice- presidential candidate, may be about to spring a new one — the wedding of her pregnant teenage daughter to her ice-hockey-playing fiancé before the November 4 election.

Inside John McCain’s campaign the expectation is growing that there will be a popularity boosting pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, 17, and Levi Johnston, 18, her schoolmate and father of her baby.

“It would be fantastic,” said a McCain insider. “You would have every TV camera there. The entire country would be watching. It would shut down the race for a week.”

Poor Amelia over at The Frisky calls herself “one of the few” who loved the movie “The Break Up” (sic)* (WHY don’t movie people SPELL CHECK?!), “mainly because it made [her] laugh in that, ‘Haha, this is totally the way me and the fiance would be behave if we ever broke up, but I’m able to laugh about it because, haha, we are NEVER going to break up so it’ll never become a bitter reality!'” way.

Oops.

Now the movie is on her — and, we’re guessing, also Jennifer Aniston‘s — list of “10 Movies, TV Shows, and Songs to Avoid During a Breakup.” Many of which, I should note, are not what you might expect.

But only 10? I know, right? Add yours here!

* “breakup,” NOUN, one word: the end of a romantic relationship; “break up,” VERB, two words: to end a romantic relationship, possibly over grammar and spelling violations.

All the kids are coming out!

>heart!<

Brad Pitt announced Wednesday that he’s donating $100,000 to fight California’s Proposition 8, a November ballot initiative that would eliminate same-sex couples’ right to marry.

“Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn’t harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8,” the actor said in a statement.

Pitt’s donation marks the largest thus far to the anti-Prop. 8 campaign by an A-list celebrity.

Via LA Times.