From Craigslist: “I except [sic] that your bad habits will influence me and shorten my life span and my good habits will influence yours and lengthen your life span. Nonetheless, you will die before me and then I’ll have to post on Craigslist again.”

“When Sasha and Vivian started asking questions a year or so ago, I read them a pop-up book about the sperm and the egg and what married people do when they really, really love each other and the daddy remembers to take out the recycling without the mommy asking and the mommy doesn’t emasculate the daddy by making snide comments about his earning potential.”

— Formerly Hot

And it exfoliates!

April Fool’s!

We hope.

Guys who wear shirts with BUTTONS, that is.

You know, it’s interesting how the contexts of our relationships are intimately interconnected with the relationships themselves. At the start of a relationship, objects take on talismanic powers — “She wrote me a note! On this crumpled Stickie!” –  and during a relationship they become, in many ways, the terrain of those intertwined lives (that apartment with the crazy radiator; the key on a long string; the first whatever-it-was you bought together).

Then, of course, in the end, objects become painful reminders; simple things take on whole complicated psychic dimensions — a picture frame never  filled, a gift never bestowed. In this way, the power of connection  is the central defining dimension of our lives: it writes our histories on the world around us. An old watch, an unmailed envelope, a Ford Cortina — on their own, they’re simply things. But through the lens of human love they become magical artifacts — not always good magic, but still — and as we move through life they become a jumbled, flea-markety record of who we were in those passed moments.

It’s no wonder they hold such power, that some of us accumulate them compulsively and others of us walk away. Sometimes they even take over the story — as in the one we offer you after the jump — which we recently received in response to Evany Thomas‘s classic Big To Do column on “The Cortina Principle.“  Which is to say: We’re still wondering if Fairly Honest Bill ever got married! Stay tuned. — Team BG

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Not exactly sure what I’m s’posed to do with this maple-bacon-flavored lollipop, courtesy of artisanal treats purveyor Das Foods, suggestively dubbed “Man Bait.”

Is the point that if I lick away at one, I’m giving off a seductive visual — kinda like when you’re in a cartoon and your friend is really hungry, and suddenly you look like a pork chop?

Or do the lolly’s “real smoky bacon bits” unleash an irresistible aroma which, with humanlike fingers, lures the object of my confection by the nose toward my swine-scented pucker?

Or or, is it he who is meant to ingest the pop in the first place? (And then I guess he gets the hint, so we go out for pancakes start making out?)

A final conundrum (why must I overcomplicate candy?): Just what kind of man am I baiting here? Because it seems a maple-bacon lollipop’s targeted demographic, as of late, is a manorexic hipster who somehow manages to spend an afternoon sampling bacon while still fitting into his skinny jeans.

MyVeryWorstDate.com presents cringe-tastic stories of cookies tossed, drink minimums exceeded, and balloon bouquets burst, in a refreshingly mixed-gender (and occasionally mea culpa) format. It’s a nice reminder, too, that bad dates are better than bland dates. I mean, at least you get a story.

You’ve finished War and Peace, The Guns of August, and the complete works of your Facebook news feed. Now take up this trashtastic double-dog Dollanganger dare: Read — re-read — the entire V.C. Andrews oeuvre (or at least one per month), including but not limited to My Sweet Audrina.

Moral of the story: your love life can’t possibly be as bad as Cathy’s.

Happy perfect birthday to FOBG Dale Hrabi’s hiiiii-larious The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents, out today.

Here, just for a wee taste, are some perfect baby names to start considering prematurely on your next perfect date!

BG’s pretend boyfriend Nick Andropolis Jason Segel speaks to NPR about real-life geekdom, bromance, respecting your ex, and the real-life Naked Breakup.