Filed under: Psychology — posted by Christina @ 6:09 pm
When will he pop the question? Many straight women in long-term committed relationships begin to ask herself — and all of her friends — this question. (Every straight woman, if you believe the hype.) When will he do it? Why hasn’t he yet? What can I do do make this happen? Where should I look in his sock drawer? Um when do I need to stop obsessing?
In Jag Carrao’s HuffPo blog “How To Be Engaged By Christmas,” we read some supposedly fail-proof ways to “get your man to pop the question” — and soon. I could relate to some of it, but other parts so didn’t feel right. It’s totally understandable to want to feel like your relationship is moving forward, it seems pretty manipulative to tweak your normal behavioral patterns to attain a sparkly rock on your left hand. Reading this blog made me wonder: have we really become selfish and retro enough to take this advice, or at least take it seriously?
Look, I have walked away from my fair share of stand-still situations. If you feel you are a hamster on a wheel looking out into the sunset but never quite reaching anything but your own cage, I totally agree that it’s time to bail. However, to say that you should have a ring after nine months of dating seems a little out-of-nowhere to me.
That, and the specific suggestions seem off, too. Like limiting the time you spend with each other, don’t accept his “game playing” (by which this means if he has had a terrible past relationships and has had the bejesus scared out of him … apparently this is by definition a “game”), and pretty much disregard his feelings altogether. By restricting your time together, limiting your feelings and going against your “gut instinct” you are in essence not presenting the real “you” — and isn’t that what relationships are all about?
What ever happened to just being happy? Society has given women this notion that they must get married within a set amount of time or else they are deemed as failures. Nine months, nine days, or nine years … who cares? Setting an oven timer doesn’t make you ready. If you’re going to be able to spend your lives together, you’re going to be able to talk about this. That’s what makes you ready. So when will he ask? Or when will you? If you want to get married in the first place? When the time is right. Hope that for Christmas, you get some better advice.
A new study shows the link between sex and sharing the housework. The Wall Street Journal reports:
“Earlier studies have hinted at this connection for men; the sight of a husband mopping the floor or doing dishes sparks affection in the hearts of many wives. But the more-housework-equals-more-sex link for wives, documented in a study of 6,877 married couples published online recently in the Journal of Family Issues, is a surprise.” – (via Pat’s Papers)
It’s all rather wife/gender biased, but so is life and that’s the problem, boo!
Interesting revelation: no matter what the individual attitudes about gender roles, both partners pitching in meant for a more satisfying and frequent sex life. Now that’s bipartisan!
It’s all about partnership and shared goals, coupled with (no pun intended) a work hard/play hard attitude that reinforces the team spirit, lack of selfishness, and mutual support. It reflects a willingness to respond to the needs of the other — which is tres important in the boudoir, n’est pas?
Not surprisingly these couples make sex a priority, and working on a task together — no matter how mundane — sparks relationship chemistry.
By Ehrenreich’s theory, Oprah, Chopra and “The Secret” are just a few of the must-be-upbeat forces persuading Americans to believe in, well, believing. Which, ironically, has led to such less-than-positive sitches as the recent mortgage crisis and… breast-cancer awareness ribbons? Seems that Ehrenreich’s own ordeal with breast cancer — and its attendant “Pink Ribbon Culture” — was what sparked the subject for her latest book.
I have never had breast cancer and I have never read Ehrenreich’s book. Am I still allowed to say that its premise feels like an icky slippery slope? Over on YourTango.com, Ehrenreich’s contentions were interpreted by one writer thusly:
“As Ehrenreich sees it, the positive attitude movement can lead to disasterous results—partly because it is so intent on seeing ‘the glass half full, even when it is shattered on the floor.’ Thus, it might lead you to believe that if you just change your attitude, you can go from being hurt and bothered by your husband’s abuse and cheating to being grateful for the fact that you even have a husband.”
With all due respect to loving my fellow bloggers and all, do we really want to put forth the assumption that women in abusive relationships are that unintelligent? That they can’t distinguish between being your own cheerleader and being stuck in a physically dangerous environment?
Filed under: Psychology — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:30 am
STUDY: The sexual overperception bias: Evidence of a systematic bias in men from a survey of naturally occurring events
ABSTRACT: According to error management theory (Haselton & Buss, 2000), natural selection will often produce adaptively biased systems of judgment, even when these systems produce more errors than alternative designs. In a study of naturally occurring events, evidence of one such bias in men—the sexual overperception bias—was documented. Women (n=102) and men (n=114) reported past experiences in which a member of the opposite sex erroneously inferred their sexual interest. Women reported significantly more false-positive errors committed by men than false-negative errors. Men reported roughly equal numbers of false-positive and false-negative errors committed by women, suggesting no bias in women’s sexual inferences. Several within-sex predictors of misperceptions were identified; for example, individuals high in self-perceived mate value reported more false-positive inferences by others than did individuals lower in mate value.
TRANSLATION. “She totally wants me.”
MARGIN OF ERROR: That other guy. The one who’s all, “I know she’s always calling and bringing me muffins and offering to drive me to the airport and all, but I’m pretty sure she thinks of me only as a friend.”
During the most unwieldy parts of my pregnancies, the only way I could sleep was by spooning a huge plaid pregnancy pillow called something embarrassing like a Snoozle, or a Froogle, or a Foshizzle, or something or other. With me in my comfy flannel PJs, my pillow and I looked like a huge plaid G-clef, and my husband looked left out. Which is simply to say that yes, I know and embrace the wonder of a well-placed body pillow.
But now there is the Funktiontide — or at least there might be, says its designer Stefan Ulrich — and now, remarkably, we may behold something perhaps even more unsettling than the Real Doll. Ulrich says his pillow prototype, which would use advanced robotics and artificial muscle technology to move and change shape depending on how you hold it, is but a polymer harbinger of the day when bleak, alienated humans will turn to “robots” for emotional satisfaction. (Yeah, like I didn’t already do that with my second husband. Folks!) That, or as we see in this technically G-rated, but somehow NSFW video, maybe the Funktiontide is nothing more than a Shmoo with benefits.
While the video’s human co-star appears rather satisfied with his lot, Ulrich is not unaware that his Pillbury Dough-bot raises some juicy issues. “…[T]he the work’s intention is to create a provocative picture for discussion, which enables us to question how much we want technological products to satisfy our emotional needs,” goes his commentary. “The ambiguity of this scenario is, that it could be understood as a solution to a wide range of different kinds of loneliness. But it might as well be understood as a scenario which should be avoided by all means possible.” Speaking as someone who practically sleeps with her iPhone, I’m sure I have no idea what he’s talking about.
A new study seems to say so. It suggests, even, that women are not only more attracted to taken men — call it the “stamp of approval” factor — but also actually willing to pursue them.
“The next question is why,” says researcher Melissa Burkley. In further research, she plans to explore women’s motives even more. One possibility, she speculates: competition; the [alleged, or at least pretty illusory — BG] satisfaction — and self-esteem — derived from mate-stealing.
BG is perhaps naively surprised by these findings. After all, poaching is, of course, verboten. But now I’m curious. Have you [ladies] ever poached? If so, why? Any aftermath?
God! Would you just let me have a LIFE?! According to CNN — dateline: Opposite World — this is what some parents are, or need to be, saying to their kids. Specifically, parents (in the story, mothers) who are looking online for a new partner, and kids (mainly adults themselves) who are, true story, hacking into their mothers’ email and sending rejections to potential suitors. (Another reportedly drove back and forth yelling at her mom while on an outdoor date with an online beau. Check, please!)
Who knew that the “younger generation” — those perhaps most likely to be Tweeting/Facebooking/LiveJournaling about how gross it is that mom’s on eHarmony– would (along with CNN, just a bit) be the ones perpetuating the ancient-in-Internet-years canard that online dating is WhereYouMeetLyingWeirdos.com? Why is online so different from real life? Who says that guy/gal in a bar is telling the truth? How often does the person you meet in person come right out and say, “I enjoy snowboarding and film noir, and in about three months I’m going to start to pull away”? (or “Please enjoy my backyard compound?”) True, some parents, unseasoned daters and e-flirters, might be a tad fuzzy regarding red flags; fair enough. But at the same time, depending on the circumstances — and speaking of bars — their brick-and-mortar options for meeting people might be limited. Online seems ideal for second-timers (if not, like, everyone).
Of course, it’s pretty obvious that what’s really going on here is not “Yikes, mom’s dating online!” but rather, simply, “Yikes, mom’s dating!” — circa 2009. There’s no doubt that seeing a marriage end and a parent move on can be challenging, even devastating. But sometimes, I guess, we just have to let them grow up.
…It appears a growing number of young girls are not only being sexually assaulted [in school], but have come to think of it as a normal part of their educational experience.
Recent studies from both the Board’s Safety Panel and the Canadian Centre for Addiction and Mental Health show some shocking stats at one school: 33 per cent say they’ve been sexually harassed in the past two years; another 29 admit to having been touched or grabbed inappropriately and seven per cent have actually been victims of a major sexual assault.
“You just hear jokes [being yelled out] all the time that have to do with girls doing sexual things,” said Madison Fitzgerald, a Toronto high school student.
“There’s a lot of groping and touching in our school.,” said another.
But Connelly believes it’s a problem that’s endemic to halls of learning across the country. “One of the concerns is the alarming rate of gender-based violence, and 21 per cent of the students that were surveyed said that they knew at least one student who was sexually assaulted at school. Now there’s sexual harassment, which is talking inappropriately and there’s sexual harassment which is being touched inappropriately. So the 21 per cent are talking about sexual assault.
“Twenty-nine per cent of Grade 9 girls … felt unsafe at school partly due to sexual comments and unwanted looks or touches; 27 per cent of the girls in Grade 11 admitted to being pressured into doing something sexual that they did not want to do; 14 per cent of the females reported being harassed over the Internet.”
She worries that’s becoming the ‘new normal’ and an accepted mode of behaviour that’s just part of going to class everyday. “They take it for granted that this is the way they should be treated,” she concludes.
Some experts believe the situation is exacerbated because most kids don’t understand exactly what “sexual assault” actually entails.
But at least the grownups are finally starting to call it that. Though they may need to move a little more quickly to educate everyone about what’s appropriate and what’s just … no. Then — holy grail — you need to get the popular kids to call out the others when it happens.
Me, I remember a bit of vaguely line-crossing stuff that happened when I was in school, shortly after the Peloponnesian War. Whether or not I told, which I probably did not, I remember that in general the adults’ response would be “Eh, he’s just doing it because he likes you.” And I remember that weird mix of feelings that I didn’t know what to do with, that uncomfortably prickly mishmash of “Eee, really?! and “Eeuw.” Not helpful.
Q: What kind of sexual harassment is — or was — considered “normal” at your school? What, if anything, was done about it?
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