Keeping up appearances on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

If a guy is interested in you, the only thing that you can find wrong with him is his looks and on that basis you reject him, does that make you the most shallow person on Earth? Please reassure me that you have to be attracted to someone, or else it wouldn’t work…please?

— Worried

Dear Worried,

Yes, you have to be “attracted” to someone. Or at least feel the potential stirrings thereof. So answer me — and yourself — this: When you decided to take a pass, what, in essence, were your thoughts? Can you honestly say, in good conscience, that you rummaged through all of your hormones and neurons and other chemical apparati and came up with no gut-level attraction whatsoever? Or did you think, “Well, he’s not the biggest hottie in the world, I’m afraid of what people will think…” ? Breakup Girl honestly doesn’t know which it is. But you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Quoting Shakespeare on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You are the most level-headed and genuinely thoughtful advice heroine in all cyberspace. And so, I submit my problem to Your Superness…

I am an attractive person; I want to make it clear that my comfort level with my admittedly-rather-average-but-unique-and-therefore-desirable appearance is satisfyingly high. I also sighed right along Will Shakespeare when he wrote “My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun…”, because sometimes a lover’s so-called imperfections are her most perfect attractions.

My problem is a small one: one small mole, present since birth, on the left cheek. Now, I will normally be the first to champion the fact that beauty is in the details, that it’s the tiny unique things about each person that makes him/her desirable. And it’s not as if this is a particularly ugly feature–it’s basically just a big 3-D freckle. No ugly discolorations, no honking huge black hairs growing out of it.

(more…)

Cutting class on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, here I go. I am 15 years old and in high school the past few years I have only had one boyfriend. All my friends tell me that I am pretty and that I should have a lot of boyfriends but not to worry about it. Well, I am and I am begining to think that it is the way I look so I am thinking about getting plastic surgery to change the way I look so maybe I could get a boyfriend. I have been told from a few boys that they think I am pretty and nice but they would never go out with me. I have no clue why that is the way they feel. I would love it if you could help me with this little problem.

— Sunkissed

Dear Sunkissed,

Hey, can anyone help me find a photograph of Jocelyne Wildenstein on the web? Breakup Girl’s supercomputer was unable to locate one. NYers, at least, will know whom I mean. Seeing a photo of her may be just what I need to scare Sunkissed straight.

(more…)

Looking for love on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 19 years old and have scoliosis and a cleft palate. I am not ugly but not a stud either. I have a great mind, though. But still I can’t find a girl who appreciates me for me and can accept my disabilities and have a real relationship. Why can’t girls look past appearance?

— Bobby

Dear Bobby,

Breakup Belleruth lent a hand on this one. For starters: “Yes,” she says, “it’s too bad the culture is so driven to admiring conventional appearance and rejecting all else. And it takes extra work to maintain self-esteem in the face of the barrage of shallow bulls***. But in the best case scenario, it really does build character and sensitivity to not be instantly fawned over and accepted by the superficial morons whom we desperately want to include us, for reasons that grow hazy as we age, thank God.”

And she’s right. But you’re like, “Shut up, I don’t want ‘character,’ I want a girlfriend!” I know, Bobby. But stay with us for a few more points.

(more…)

Guess what I found in my advice mailbox: a letter from my best friend J. from seventh grade, back before my historic rendezvous with Unreliable Man gave me the powers I now use to serve this great megalopolis. You may remember her from such entries as “How’s my love life? My CAREER is going great!” Of course, we give each other advice all the time (the kind where one of us says, “So, should I give that Bally’s trainer with the house in Steamboat who voted for Robertson and doesn’t like dogs one more chance? You’re supposed to say ‘Yes, but only one,'” and the other says, “Yes, but only one.”). I just didn’t expect her to go through such formal channels. But as always, her timing was uncannily perfect, practically clairvoyant. Little did she know I’d been searching for a fun way to introduce this week’s theme, the one where I am going to tell you to

STOP
worrying so much about your

LOOKS
and

LISTEN
to Breakup Girl instead.

So here goes.

I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow. My dilemma: do I just trim it and keep it at the current, face-framing, bobbish length — or, do I go back to the ultra-short Winona do? (Note: my obsession with Winona’s hair began WELL BEFORE she met Matt Damon. It’s legit).

So you might ask, why am I writing Breakup Girl with this question?

a) She’s seen my hair through the years (isn’t that a 70’s song?), and can offer a personal opinion.

b) Well, duh– as with any hair dilemma, this is not about hair — it’s about life as a woman, femininity, following/resisting stereotypes, inner strength, etc. etc. See, I love how short hair feels. BUT — it brings up all my worries, namely: do I have a striking enough face to carry it off? Will men ever look at me? Do I need to be a waif with a model’s face for this haircut? Am I too fat for it? Will I look more butch than I really am at heart, or, worse yet, like a matronly housefrau with sensible hair? Do men really like long hair better?

In short, will I be cutting off my hair to spite my face?

And then, of course, the meta level: why do I care so much what men think? Why am I worried about the ramifications of looking “unfeminine?” Why am I trapped by the stereotypes even as I try to be a strong, freethinking female?

And finally: WILL I RESOLVE ALL THESE ISSUES BY 11 AM TOMORROW?

Thanks, Breakup Girl. You’ve got great hair, by the way.

— J.

BG on J’s hair, looks and the Little Prince after the jump!

Overworked on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My parents recently split up. Well now I live at home with my Dad. So now I am responsible for the housework. I feel like my Dad doesn’t understand how hard it is to have responsibilites one day when you’ve never had them before. He expects me to do all the house work and he NEVER helps me! To be quite honest he is a pig. Well now he is dating someone and all of his attention is directed to her. I feel like I am being neglected and unappreciated even more…. What should I do?

— Molly

BG gets to work after the jump!

Judging by appearances on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hey well…..I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to deal when your parents won’t accept your boyfriend….C…..I live in a very small town…..and well….every1 has to live up to every1 else’s expectations….and if any1 here is just a little different…in which this case my boyfriend has a eye-brow piercing…and his ear’s pierced….and well no-one around here can accept it…so since no-1 else can except it…..my rents can’t…..I just want to know a way I can get them to actually see what kind of sweet, gentle guy he is….and that I love him…if you have any advice at all it would be sooo greatly appreciated…Thanx.

— Kristin

Breakup Girl to the rescue, after the jump!

Making acquaintances on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, here’s my situation: I’m a 24 year old male who moved away from my friends and family to attend a University. This college town has been my residence for the past six months; this is my first time away from home. Life is great for the most part except for one minor inconvenience: I don’t have a girlfriend or more importantly, friends.

Before I moved up here, I was surrounded by my tight group of cronies. I’ve even been fortunate enough to have a few relationships with some righteous babes. Now that I’m living on my own, I find it difficult to make friends. At school, there’s a few acquaintances that I sometimes chat with but I really don’t have a whole lot in common with them. So the chance of me hanging out with them is pretty slim. It seems like whenever I’m in a social situation I tend to clam up and make people think that I’m some kind of snobby bastard. In reality I’m actually a decent-looking, nice guy (no really, I am) so I’m not sure what my problem is.

Around town, I’ve seen a lot of local goddesses that I’m quite attracted to. It’s really not my style to go up to them and say, “Hey baby, if we were an alphabet I would put U and I next to each other.” All my relationships in the past have been initiated by her, meaning I have never played the part of the aggressor. Keep in mind that I have never been in love before and I’m beginning to think that I never will.

I have worked extremely hard to become independent and start my new life in this college town. There is no way in hell that I’m gonna move back home because of my loneliness. I’m not sure how much longer I can live without having any friends to drink beer with or any girls to snuggle with. I love being alone but I hate being lonely. Boy am I a mess.

–Dateless and Lonely

BG’s righteous answer after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn responds to Solitary Sue, a 56-year-old widow having trouble finding love on line. The first problem is the men themselves — looking for hookups not relationships — and then

My second problem is that I do have a couple of disabilities. I am on oxygen for emphysema and am somewhat limited in mobility due to a severe back injury. How do I introduce that into conversation without chasing anyone off?

How can Sue present herself and find the right kind of men? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response over at Happen, then comment below.

Resisting the urge on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend dumped me about two weeks ago because “it wasn’t working out.” Then I found out that he cheated on me and then lied about it to my face. So why do I still miss him when he’s the one who treated me like crap? Shouldn’t I be glad that he’s out of my life? Instead, I’m on the verge of begging him to come back. WHY?????

— Karen

Dear Karen,

STOP:

1 – even considering begging him to come back

2 – thinking that you’re a freak for even considering begging him to come back.

It seems weird, but it’s normal. Wanting him back — at least in theory — is not necessarily about stooping to his level; it may also be about regaining the upper hand. It’s like, things didn’t turn out the way you’d planned; you want to be the one to call, “Uh-uh, DO-OVER!” You want the last word.

This is BG’s empowering interpretation. of your feelings. Use it instead of the one where you’re thinking “Maybe he wouldn’t cheat and lie if I do something differently next time.”

Love,
Breakup Girl