Dear Breakup Girl,

I am totally confused by my ex-boyfriend. I dated this guy for only a couple months, but fell head over heels for him almost immediately! He and I had everything in common, or so it seemed.

One of the greatest things about him was that every day when he got home from work, the first thing he would do was call me. I could practically set my watch- half an hour after he was scheduled to finish,he’d call me. It didn’t matter if it was 5pm or 11pm (he worked anywhere from 40-80 hours a week between two jobs).

He was also very affectionate, telling me how much he cared about me, etc. The only problem was, he would occasionally say things like “Some day I’ll meet a really great girl and get married.” Now, I’m a college student, and a realist, and I know that guys aren’t looking to marry someone they date at age 20. Even so, it bothered me to here him say that. It made me feel like I was just an amusement before the feature presentation or something.

Well, I went away on vacation for a week, and spoke with him on the phone a couple times while I was gone. The night that I got back we spent the whole evening snuggling and watching South Park episodes. Then, the next day, we went to his cabin and while we were sitting around, he made another one of his “Someday…” comments. I was so frustrated that I said “I don’t even know why I bother with this. I should just go meet someone else.” Well, I immediately regretted it and apologized, but he started in on this whole “As long as we know this relationship isn’t going anywhere, its fine for both of us right?” I said that under normal circumstances it might work out, but I told him that I hated knowing that as soon as he met someone even slightly more interesting than me he’d toss me out like yesterday’s underwear.

(more…)

Resisting the urge on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend dumped me about two weeks ago because “it wasn’t working out.” Then I found out that he cheated on me and then lied about it to my face. So why do I still miss him when he’s the one who treated me like crap? Shouldn’t I be glad that he’s out of my life? Instead, I’m on the verge of begging him to come back. WHY?????

— Karen

Dear Karen,

STOP:

1 – even considering begging him to come back

2 – thinking that you’re a freak for even considering begging him to come back.

It seems weird, but it’s normal. Wanting him back — at least in theory — is not necessarily about stooping to his level; it may also be about regaining the upper hand. It’s like, things didn’t turn out the way you’d planned; you want to be the one to call, “Uh-uh, DO-OVER!” You want the last word.

This is BG’s empowering interpretation. of your feelings. Use it instead of the one where you’re thinking “Maybe he wouldn’t cheat and lie if I do something differently next time.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Eternal questions from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My “boyfriend.” who is/was 32, whereas I am 44, has essentially broken up with me. I, however, find that subsequently, his attractiveness and desirability are increasing exponentially with his condescending and sarcastic behavior. How sick am I? How can I get well?

–Catherine

Dear Catherine,

How many cliches do you want? The grass is always greener, you want what you can’t have, yadda, yadda, yadda. Or, to give it a more highfalutin psychological spin, it’s all about avoiding cognitive dissonance: the more Gingrichian his disposition, the more firmly and desperately you cling — at least in your imagination/memory — to days gone by, when he actually was attractive and desirable. No matter what, it’s a normal breakup response, not a symptom of illness. The secret to “getting well,” such as it is, is to not act on these seemingly sick feelings. Take a chill and call me — not him! — in the morning.

Love,
Breakup Girl