MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn lectures a Former Student in Florida who is hoping she’s in the clear to act on her faculty crush:

I would say we’re platonic friends now and are no longer part of a student/teacher dynamic. He was only my teacher once and that was two years ago. He is eloquent, athletic, sophisticated, intelligent and pretty much everything I want in a man.

Is it okay to meet him after class, or does this situation require further study? Get schooled by Lynn’s response at Happen; Extra credit for those who comment below.

Amy Spencer’s Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match is one of the most inspiring, least depressing dating guides you’ll ever read. Named for the notion that every one of us has a perfect mate out there somewhere—one’s media naranja (“half-orange”), to use a Spanish idiom—Spencer’s formula for finding a life partner involves identifying what you really want, admitting that you really want it, and then letting go to a degree that allows you to enjoy the ride rather than stress out about it. The delightful author and blogger, who embodies the positivity that she espouses, spoke recently with BreakupGirl.net about her deceptively simple advice.

The basic gist of Meeting Your Half Orange is to maintain optimism and inner certainty during the search for Mr./Ms. Right, and to “act as if.” Does this differ in any significant way from the Law of Attraction that we’ve been hearing about for the past few years?

There is certainly a similarity to The Secret, but dating optimism is more grounded. It’s based on neuroscientific and psychological evidence that by thinking more positively, you can actually change the neural activity and even the structure of your emotional brain, which is where we house our emotional memories and which affects our perceptions of everything in life, including love. By seeing and reacting to the world through a more positive emotional brain, you change everything from your body language to those knee-jerk reactions you have in dating, to how you see people and how people see you, which changes what you experience in life and love. The Secret can be powerful, but a little woo-woo to some. This isn’t. So I wanted to share with people how to use this to their dating advantage.

You seem mindful of grounding your ideas in science and research. Did you feel pressure to make your theories more believable to the average reader?

You’re right, I am mindful of that. But it’s not so much about making readers believe me, but allowing them to believe in how much power they have—that changing their point of view isn’t just a surface silly thing, it can actually change you physiologically. I think when we know why something is actually working—like why a certain exercise will firm up your abs—it just makes you more likely to do it.

How would you respond to someone who is uncomfortable with what on the surface appears to be a “passive” approach to dating?

Well, that sometimes action has to start on the inside. I used to think that if I wanted to find love, I needed to treat it like a job and physically go on as many dates as were humanly possible. But being that active was exhausting me! So I made a switch from being physically active in dating to being emotionally active. When you’re determined to feel awesome about yourself and your life and how great your relationship is going to feel, you’re actually not being passive at all!

When do you know it’s time to move on from an attraction that isn’t resulting in a relationship?

If you’re feeling it for someone else but they don’t want a relationship with you, then I say get on the train and get outta there before you get sucked into something fruitless. It takes practice trusting yourself and your radar for the wrong guy (what I call your “wrong-dar”) but if you want to feel happy and loved in a relationship and you’re not getting those feelings with someone you’re attracted to? Then you’re not being open and available for the right guy when he shows up. Maybe it’ll be this guy later, after he wises up, but for now, I say move on.

Who did you envision as your typical reader while you were writing this?

You know, I had two specific people in mind. One is my friend Lily who I write about in the book, who was often asking what to do in her dating life. And the other was my former single self. That may sound weird, but when I would tell my single story to people, it didn’t matter how old they were—23 or 53—or what town they were from, they’d really relate. Our single experiences are so much more alike than we realize. So I wrote the book I wished I’d been able to read when I was having little lonely breakdowns in my living room and hoped it would speak to all the women who have felt like that, too.

Some of your counsel is a little counter-intuitive–e.g., you advise readers not to make dating a priority and to trash pre-existing “lists” of qualities they are looking for in a mate. Have you gotten some push-back from reviewers or readers who found your ideas kooky?

I haven’t actually gotten any push-back on those “backward” ideas. More so, people who find it refreshing to hear a new way of looking at things. Though the “don’t making dating a priority” gets a few more eyebrows. I just believe it’s more important that you feel great about yourself and your life than that you punch in for dates. If you’re weary and down about all the dating you’re doing, that will hurt more than help you. And as for those lists, yes, I do say trash the ones that list qualities you want in a mate! Because you don’t actually want a handsome guy with a great laugh. What you want is a relationship with someone you feel attracted to who you laugh together with. Looking for someone with a list of qualities is nearly impossible! But meeting your list of how you want to feel isn’t. And that’s when life surprises you, when a guy doesn’t look or dress or work like you “pictured,” yet you’re two happy peas in a pod when you’re together.

How did you gather your interviewees and “experts”? It’s quite an erudite and varied bunch–artists, writers, neuropsychologists, professors, etc.

You know, I’ve been so into the topic of optimism for so many years, I approached the book the way I’ve seen DJ friends choose music: You go to a music shop, find one artist you like, dig up an album of another band they played in, and then a special disc that band once made, and on and on. That’s pretty much how I found my experts. I’d read one psychologist’s book, see who they were inspired by or studied under and then I’d read that book and look into their studies. I also reached out to a lot of friends who had interesting friends to tell their stories. Overall, I wanted to get stories from women all over the country in all walks of life and all ages to show how optimism can affect anyone’s life, no matter what you start with, and what relationship you’re looking for.

Do you think there will be a sequel–maybe about “Growing an Orange Family” or some such?

I’ve had a few ideas about how to follow this book and I’m not sure yet which direction I’ll take yet, but the practice of optimism can be used in so many areas in life, from marriage to your half-orange, to family and beyond. So as soon as I know what book I get to “squeeze” out next, I’ll let you know!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Jennifer who is in the typical on-again, off-again, friends-with-benefits-again, off-again, FWB-again relationship. Or at least she was until recently…

Now we’re boyfriend and girlfriend again. And he’s treating me much better than he did the first time we dated! Picking me up to go out, taking me to nice restaurants, spending more time at my place, the works.

Is he a changed man like his friends say, or will he leave her again as her friends say? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice at Happen, then comment below!

Spinning her wheels on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a guy for five months and the first three weeks were great…until he bought a racecar. My concern is that he’s still legally married but separated physically from his wife. He’s said that he was going to court the end of January for a divorce and to this day hasn’t. Are things too comfy for him? Why hasn’t he divorced yet? By the way, his wife is pregnant by the man she’s living with. What’s keeping my boyfriend from getting divorced? He had that intention before we got together.

–Torn and Confused

Dear Torn,

You know how when you’re confused and upset, you go and buy an excellent pair of shoes, or a pony, and you feel a little better? Well, that’s kind of the deal with this racecar … except this guy seems to think that having the race car actually means that all his midlife problems are sorted out. And I’m also worried that for the last five months (minus three weeks) you seem to have fallen for it, too. Leave him spinning his wheels in his new toy; ride off into the sunset with your new Manolos. Alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Shock and Ew on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a guy since last summer. Things seemed to be going rather well. Then I discovered an ad in the personals online that he placed. After the initial shock, I called and asked him about it. He said that he must have been mad or something and that he would delete the ad. It is still there. How should I handle this?

— Carole

Dear Carole–

1. What were you doing reading the personals? Snooping, or scoping? Neither bodes well.
2. Unless the ad now says, “SM seeks F” — F as in Forgiveness — it’s time to delete him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn embraces Mr. Hug, a guy who finds himself offering emotional support to unhappy women, but who wants so much more.

I recently crossed paths with a high-school crush (girl #2) who is hanging onto a particularly lousy ex. I tried to put aside my crush — which she’s aware of — and become the guy whose shoulder she cries on. … It’s hard, but I’ve adjusted to being lonely.

Can Lynn help this nice guy finish first? Read her tough love over at Happen, then come back here and offer your own advice in the comments.

Tough choices on February 8, 1999…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I were together for 8 1/2 months, quite a feat for two seniors in high school. We broke up not too long ago, but the relationship has really been over for longer than that. At the beginning, everything was wonderful. He was different from the typical guy that I was attracted to, but that was part of the attraction. Eventually, we decided to have sex– something that I had always wanted to wait until marriage for. But after many, many make out sessions and many, many conversations on how to protect ourselves, and many, many “I love you”s, I changed my mind. Sex wasn’t something that I actually enjoyed a whole lot, because basically, I just felt really mad at myself for giving into something when I had felt so strongly about remaining a virgin until marriage.

Anyway, after our decision to bring sex into the relationship, I became extremely emotional (my guess is that it was because of the strong attatchment to him combined with my troubled thoughts and possibly some side effects to the Pill). I didn’t want to be with him any longer because all it did was remind me of how I had let myself down.

So, after two months of “trying to make things work” and a lot of tears, we broke up. I thought that it would feel horrible and it did, but only for a few days. I realized that I was better off now (no more guilt) and that we would always stay friends… which basically is what we had become by the end of the relationship.

All right, oh wise Breakup Girl, here is my question. “Jeff” called me a few days ago and asked me if I wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with him. He says that V-Day is a day to spend time with someone special and that I am that someone–his best friend. So I am wrestling with my heart and mind, which are extremely conflicting at the moment. What do I do? I would love to spend the day with him (the plan would be to go out to lunch or dinner and maybe a movie), but I am afraid that we would do something stupid and get back together — something that I don’t want right now. He is my best friend, on the other hand, and it would be good to see him and just hang out. Breakup Girl, please help!

— Horribly Confused

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn advises a gal who has become close with the boyfriend of her friend who died of cancer. Now that its turning romantic, she worries what others will think:

we also have another friend who was best friends with the deceased and she seems upset by the fact that we like each other and are becoming romantic.

Obviously she should be sensitive to the friend’s feelings, but, as her signature puts it, “Do I Have To Lose Him, Too?” Read Lynn’s advice at Happen, then tell us in the comments how you would handle this less than ideal situation.

Still stings on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My fella, who I adored, was transferred to another city. We agreed to try a long distance relationship. All I ever asked was that he tell me if he found someone else. Within a few weeks there, he was sleeping with a much younger woman who he had HIRED for his department. I found out after about a month and threw the book at him. I don’t want him back, but I so want to stop thinking about him and stop feeling so hurt. I’ve filled my life with a lot of new things…going to college, golf, country dancing, etc. I’ve met a few men, but the thought of being hurt like that again is too much…it makes my stomach turn over. It’s been almost a year and I am still feeling the sting. Any ideas?

— Linda

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February is Dating Violence Awareness Month.
Start with this, and probably this, too; we’ll be back with more.
Love,
BG