Rushing things on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 20…and I recently became a widow…my husband was 24…and we have a one year old daughter. He and I were together for almost 2 years. Towards the end…our marriage was on really rocky ground..and I wanted out…but things changed when he all of a sudden died. What I’m curious about is…when is it appropriate to start dating again? I loved my husband…but wasn’t in love with him at the end. I’m anxious to jump out there again, but I’m really worried how my family and friends will react. How long do I live the part of the grieving widow in mourning..? Rather than the grieving widow who needs to get on with her life? Help!

–Lauren

BG’s answer after the jump!

Reality rocks on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in an unsteady relationship for 7 years (my friends & family did not like him… but I was stubborn & refused to see the bad qualities in him). We did break up for 1 year during my senior year of college but after graduation we got together & he found a job near me & decided to move in together (to save $ on rent).

A year later, we got engaged & the big wedding plans began, plus we purchased a house. All of these pressures, plans, $, commitment sent him for a loop & he ended up having an affair with a divorced 28 year old F with a 5yr. old. (This affair took place 3 months before our wedding and during this affair he continued to be a part of the wedding plans as if nothing else was going on in his personal life.) I found out about the affair by accident; we did the counseling thing…but he told me that he loved me…but wasn’t in love with me as he now loved her. Make a 4 month issue short & to the point — he moved in with her & I now have the house. I lost 30 pounds during that time & I’m very thin to begin with. I realize that this is the best thing that could happen to me; & I picked up the pieces by telling myself that this is only a difficult time in a very small portion of my life…what I mean is…I still have my career & many good & supportive friends & family.

I moved on & two months later I was feeling great & dating. I met this guy Gravy (who happens to be my best friend’s husband’s best friend) so…the guard was down as he was highly recommended to date & we began talking on the phone…he called me first. We really hit if off & talked for 5 hours every night about everything! Keep in mind we live an hour & and 1/2 away. By the time we had our first date…you would have thought we knew each other for a lifetime. For the past 2 months we have talked on the phone during the week & emailed at night & we have seen each other every weekend.

I always told my ex-fiance what I was looking for in a man (ya know…romance, humor, likes to talk, likes to make me feel good besides just himself). My ex always said I was living in a dream world…but then I met Gravy & so I must be dreaming because he is wonderful & a POSITIVE in my life.

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Getting unstuck on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Right before I started seeing my girlfriend she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Her previous relationship was totally dysfunctional and she had so many problems with the a**hole. They shared an apartment for five months, which probably sped up the end of their relationship.

She’s very happy with our relationship and it’s dynamite. It just keeps getting better and better. The only problem is that she keeps brinigng up her ex. Every once in a while she gets all weepy like she’s miserable, and says that if he would come back to her then the pain she has will go away. Isn’t that completely messed up?!

I’m going totallly insane. I keep telling her that time is the answer, there are no other solutions. What should I do? I can’t leave her. Will this end? Her obsession with the breakup aftermath is becoming mine. Help!

— Cornelius

Dear Cornelius,

You are right about many things, wrong about one big one. Is her aftermath now yours? Yep. Is this completely messed up? You betcha. Is “time” the only solution? Hell, no. You guys are going to need something way stronger.

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Not staying friends on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess I don’t necessarily have a problem, I just keep running into him on a far-more-than-regular basis.

You see, my ex and I were best friends before we began dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend … but on my end, I didn’t much care for the idea. I’d had a rough childhood of sexual abuse, and I had a baby at age 15 and gave him up for adoption, and such events finally led me to a life-threatening nervous breakdown, therapy, and the like.

Of course, he knew all of this, being my best friend and all, and he was so supportive of me. So, after receiving truckloads of love letters from the guy while I was on an internship half-way across the country, I decided I definitely wanted to give him a chance when I got back to college.

My first week back, we went out for dinner, and discovered we lived in apartment buildings right next to each other, both on the fourth floor, both facing the courtyard, and thus, we could talk through the windows, him from his kitchen, me from my living room. It wound up being one of those splendid romances that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never before had either of us shared a connection like ours. We knew it. We loved each other, and we didn’t doubt this in the least.

Well, that December I graduated from college, and he still had a year to go. We’d decided I would stay behind and work until he garnered his degree and we could move away together. La di da di da. You know the drill.

On Christmas Eve he told me he didn’t know if he could see me anymore, because the experiences that led me to the aforementioned depression “ate away at his stomach,” and he just didn’t think I was “pure enough,” and whatnot. And to paraphrase, but how did he know I would never be that depressed again someday?

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Housing problems from October 18, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK. Here’s the deal. I’m 32, and I was dating/sleeping with this 20 year old guy. Now, I live with him, and we aren’t together anymore… Not my choice. So, anyway, any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with who doesn’t want to sleep with you, while staying roommates and paying the rent…. Hmmmm. Pretty long winded huh?

— Amy

Dear Amy,

Actually, no. No, your letter’s not all that long-winded, and no, I don’t have any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with and who doesn’t want to sleep with you while staying roommates and paying the rent. Time to hang the VACANCY sign.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Sorry for my verbosity, but after I wrote this litany of patheticness I felt like deleting any part of it would be like cutting off a limb. Please feel free to skip over any drivel you feel unnecessary.

I used to be pretty good at handling my romantic entanglements when I was younger, but now everything seems to be a big mess. I am really at a point where I am so confused and no longer trust my gut instincts. I have been on this manic roller coaster for almost a year and a half and I just don’t know what to do. I should be happy — I have a very successful career on Wall Street, am intelligent, creative, and have the means to do or go wherever I want. I have a wonderful family, supportive and caring friends, and I know that I am loved.

But my life is not perfect. I was divorced earlier this year after 4 years of marriage preceded by 5 years of dating. It wasn’t one of those messy-throw-all-the-china-at-each-other type breakups. We just got married too young (we got engaged when I was 21 — I am 28 now) and realized that we both changed and wanted different things. We tried to work out our differences, but it just wasn’t meant to be. So we cried, separated, cried, got divorced and cried some more.

People, you have no idea how much more there is after the jump

Stuck in the past of September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I need to know how to get back at my (now) gay ex. He’s a big jerk and seems to think he’s all that and more. I want to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. What should I do? (And yes I have moved on to someone else whom I love.) Thanks.

— Hope

Dear Hope,

You should move on to someone else whom you love.

Oh wait, you did that.

Then you’re all set.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Going Greek on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Last year, I had a really big crush on this guy and I asked him out. Well, he had a girlfriend, and since I rarely saw him, I was able to get over it. Fast-forward to this year. Turns out he’s in two of my classes. I have to see him every day and on weekend trips (for debate, one of the classes we share). He still has a girlfriend, I think. The problem is, I just can’t get over him. He’s cute and smart (he quotes Plato) and all that. I just want to move on!

— Amanda

Dear Amanda,

That is totally annoying. In fact, “Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable” (Laws, 808). Unfortunately, all there is to do is keep things platonic with him and set your sights on someone else in the Republic.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Holding it together on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. We were mismatched in every way but one, and a lot of bad things happened. We still have a lot of mutual friends online, even though he’s told all his friends that I’m insane/delusional/dangerous. For my part, I did most of my most vehement bitching to people who didn’t know him.

A couple of days ago, he posted a long and uncalled for summary of some of the worst things that happened between us to a usenet group, because he thought I was snarking at his wife. (They’ve been married for a couple of months, I guess.) He’s under the mistaken impression that I’m conducting a smear campaign against him, when even my closest friends say that the worst thing they’ve ever heard me say about him is that I ought to have known better, and that he still owes me money. (He did, at the time. We’ve since settled.)

I just hate it that he’s implying that he has a life, simply because he and some fat blue-haired chick got married in the park; because I’m single by choice, and spending my spare time going out with friends, doing volunteer work and generally living the life I want to live, mine doesn’t count.

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You say you want a resolution on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s been just shy of two months since my ex-fiance and I broke up. He’d been cheating on me with some girl from the Internet as a way of avoiding the fact that we weren’t getting along as well as we used to. The relationship was troubled way before Ms. Naughty Chat came along: she was just the catalyst for what I didn’t want to believe was the inevitable. He’d given up on me long before I’d given up on him… he calls it “being further along in the grieving process” which frankly makes me want to puke from all the pop-psychological flavor of the statement.

Despite all that both of us did to f**k things up between us, both of us (really, truly) do want to be friends, because we were actually really good friends before everything fell apart and it would be a waste to not try to get some of that back, even though the romance will never be there again. (I miss him like that, too, but I don’t trust him in that department anymore.)

Part of the problem with this is that I feel that a lot of stuff between us is unresolved… there’s a lot of unanswered questions about why and when and how that he hasn’t answered yet. He says that it’s as answered as it’s going to be (i.e. hardly at all) and that we should try to move on. This reminds me of that ugly-ass statement that floated around in the political world a few years ago: “Now is a time for healing.” Except that politicians only said it after things like the Rodney King verdict and after bombing some country. The implied thing here is “Okay, I know I’ve just punched you in the gut, and you really either want to know why, or punch back, but NOW IS A TIME FOR HEALING, meaning you’ll just have to be a good sport and get over it.”

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