Serious business from December 5, 1997:

Dear Breakup Girl,
I jokingly told a girl that I would go with her to our school’s formal winter ball. She thought I was being serious and now she wants to go with me. How should I tell her no, in a way that we will still have the same friendship as before?
— Clueless

Dear Clueless,
There are three things you never joke about: (1) carrying a bomb in your suitcase, (2) famine, and (3) taking someone to a winter formal.

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Me? I got a Valentine from my ex, Hellboy. I’m SO happy for him and Liz. They’re moving in together in the next movie. THANKS for the update, Hel!

They make a cute couple. They really do. But I’m not sure how long it’s going to last. Could their body language be more awkward? Maybe I’m just bitter because he never brought ME back to life.

We cleared this up right off the bat, on December 5, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is having a boyfriend really worth the risk of rejection?
— Reluctant

Dear Reluctant,
Being in a relationship is like having a car with air conditioning. It makes things much more comfortable, but it also means that there’s a whole new bunch of stuff that can go wrong.
But I ask you: is having a rejection-free life really worth the risk of solitude, boredom, dissatisfaction, lack of adventure, and exposure to the electromagnetic rays emitted by your television? Breakup Girl thinks not. Date on, dude.
Love,
Breakup Girl

alone like the oak.
think I’ll make a haiku thread
on v-day. then leaf.

It’s a zen poetry slam! Simply post your own haiku in the comments. Syllables go 5-7-5. Need some inspiration? Check out our Valentines Haiku Contests of years past.

BREAKUP GIRL RETURNS in a brand-new weekly series of adventures! It all starts here…

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Got a very specific message in mind this Valentine’s Day? Breakup Girl may have you covered; Take a look at our Flash-animated eCards!

For Shakespeare, music is the food of love. For me, food is the food of love. It not just about eating as sustenance, of course; I can do that over my own sink. It’s about enjoying eating as sustenance. Enjoying eating together. Here, taste this. No, this piece is yours. I toasted the pine nuts, just the way you like. (Someone once invited me out for Thai food. What would you like? he asked. “Spicy eggplant?” I suggested. “No,” he said, “I don’t like sauce.” Waiter!) It’s about appetite, in all senses. If you’re like me, you may (perhaps unfairly) border on lactose-intolerant-intolerance. If you’re like me, if you’re without someone to love food with, you get very, very peckish.

So what if you’re an omnivore dating a plainwhitepastavore? A cheesehead crushing on a vegan? Can this marriage of flavors be saved? The New York Times explores that question in today’s “Dining In” section. The answer? Sometimes.

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Soulmate, schmoulmate? FOBG Lori Gottlieb has created a bit of a stir with her piece in the current Atlantic Monthly, wherein she urges women who want to get married to consider taking their lofty lovey lerfy lurvy expectations down a notch or five. In other words, ladies, she’s saying you should settle. Yes, SETTLE.

Okay, now you settle down. The real issue with the piece is that according to Gottlieb, women who want to get married are … all women. If you say that’s not you, she says you’re in denial. “Take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous,” she writes. (“I took Gottlieb’s advice, and my face does look silly. But that’s just because I’m making gagging faces and pantomiming a stabbing motion to my throat,” Broadsheet’s Sarah Hepola responded, adding, “Maybe I swallowed my panic and desperation. Though it tasted, for all the world, like a delicious cheese blintz.”)

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Ten years on, I still don’t quite understand this letter from December 1, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy. I haven’t met him yet, but we really like each other. The only problem is that my dad just took my phone privileges away. I’m so afraid that while I’m “gone” he’ll find some other girl. I don’t want to lose him. Help!
— Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Meet him, then write to me.
Love,
Breakup Girl

If NECCO just doesn’t cut it, try our e-mailable custom candy hearts this Valentines Day!