Being nice on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

With all your immense wisdom, can you PLEASE let us in on the secret of turning someone down nicely? There is nothing I hate worse than trying to explain to gentlemen friends that I’m not interested. Is it all right to tell a tiny white lie in these situations? Like, “Actually, I’m leaving for a remote area in Africa tomorrow so I can’t go out this weekend?” Well, you get the point. Please help!

— Not Interested

Dear Not Interested,

The Africa thing is risky, as a plucky suitor may up and offer you his international cell phone.

Here are some examples of acceptable lies:

1. “I had a great time.”

2. “Dinner? Well, actually, I think it would be so much more meaningful if you came over and acted out a new dramatization of Diana’s Last Days that I’ve just completed. I’ve already highlighted your lines in pink. How’s sevenish?

3. “I’m not in a very relationship place right now.” (As in, standing here, right now, talking to you.)

Basically, though, NI, it’s not about lying, it’s about not telling the whole truth. If that’s what it takes to be nice. And early on, that’s all you owe your gentlemen callers. No Explanations — and definitely no elaborate Excuses — but simply a “You know what, that’s very kind, but I’m going to pass. Thanks, though.” In this case, being clear, even blunt, is being nice.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Wishing for more on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really really really like my boyfriend. A LOT. We’ve been dating for a while now, and he’s the sweetest guy — he’s perfect. My parents love him (all adults do), he goes to church and is smart and good, and he plays soccer, and of course is really good looking. And I think I’m falling in love.

He’s also a good kisser. But…

This might sound gross. As much as we’ve kissed (and that’s quite a bit), he’s never kissed me with, oh, say, any tongue. Now these are wonderful kisses, and there’s nothing that disgusts me more than a lot of tongue, cause dude, it just gets on my nerves. I don’t want some huge foreign object in my mouth, especially someone else’s huge foreign object. But, I can handle a bit of tongue. In fact, I WANT just a little bit of tongue. So what can I do? I’m hesitant, cause I don’t want to do anything that’s going to shock him and make him think “Ewwwwwww.” But I’m so attracted to him. And I know he’s really attracted to me. In other words, how can I politely bump up the intensity of our love life very slightly?

— Wishing for Just a Little More!

Dear Wishing,

Oh! It is so refreshing to hear from younger folks for whom “more” is adding tongue, not … sex. So I will gladly help you out — especially because I know it’s hard to talk about these things. I mean, casual doesn’t really work — “Hey, sport, what say we toss in a little tongue?” Nor does formal — “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you. It’s about, well, bumping up the intensity of our sex life. I’mhesitant, because I don’t want to shock you, yet I feel that given our level of mutual attraction, we are ready to … ” At this point, actually, he may stick his tongue in your mouth to get you to shut up already.

Instead, I recommend: Show, don’t Tell — then Ask. Start by touching his lips with your tongue. Ask, “Um, do you like how that feels? Blink once for yes, twice for no.” And so on (in). Betcha you’ll rock his world. Starr-report back to let us know how it goes, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Kissing and telling on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was wondering if you could tell me the proper way to french kiss because every time me and my boyfriend do this there is spit on faces. What are we doing wrong? Please tell me.

— Teresa

Dear Teresa,

You guys aren’t really doing anything wrong. Where there’s French kissing, there’s also spit, if I remember correctly. But that’s just it: where there’s French kissing. So: just keep tongues in mouths, not on faces. Voila!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Wanting a do-over on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

— Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Opening up on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 18-year-old college student who is really shy. There’s this girl in one of my classes who I’m attracted to. I think she’s attracted to me, also. We played the little game where you look at someone and when you get caught by that person, you look away. I haven’t had a g/f in a long time. I also haven’t been really lucky for some reason with girls. We say hi to each other when we meet. But we never really talk. So I would like to know how should I go about to start talking to her? I don’t want to open myself to her so much. And I don’t want to get my hopes high either. I would really like to get to know her, but really don’t know where to start. If you have any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanx for your time.

— Edward

Dear Edward,

Talking to someone is not the same as opening up to someone. Some people talk to each other for years without ever opening up. You start talking, you open up, little by little, as you’re ready. So take a hint from Chris (below) and pipe up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Commuting sentences on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this girl that rides my bus, but I’m kinda shy and can’t get the nerve to approach her… (pretty common problem, I guess). Anyways, It’s really hard becuz she is the shy type too and quiet… So I keep trying to think of some way to start a conversation with her without

1. coming off as a jerk (i.e. what I say sounds like a line) or

2. just plain freaking her out.

We don’t have any classes together, which makes it HARD to talk to her as I’ve said. Also, she lives in my neighborhood but I’ve never noticed her before and don’t know where she lives. Got any ideas? I would appreciate your help extremely.

— Chris

Dear Chris,

Yep, totally common problem. You may be shy, but you also may be … human. We can work with that. How about, “Hey, it seems like you live in my neighborhood, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around until now. Did you move here recently?” That’s a pretty freak-free opening. Can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be flattered.

And hey, flygirls: If Bus Boy hasn’t talked to you, don’t assume that he doesn’t want to. He could be writing to BG about you right now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Finding comfort on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m too shy to ask guys out. I’m afraid they’ll say no and humiliate me for the rest of my life. What should I do?

— Daisy Girl

Dear Daisy,

What you should do is know is that this is the exact same fear that has kept guys from asking women out since the dawn of history.

Now do they seem less scary?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Going no further on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

One of my friends is totally in love with me but I have no feelings for him whatsoever. How can I tell him that I don’t like him without losing his friendship?

— Julianne

Dear Julianne,

The best you can do is this: break it to him sweetly but clearly. As in: “I have the hunch that you might like us to be more than friends. I think it’s important to tell you that I’m totally sorry, but I just don’t feel that way. Which also means that I love our relationship the way it is, and I hope that’ll still work for you too.” So if you do still want to be friends — and he can deal — then prove it … gently. Make an effort to keep everything the way it was — in terms of hanging out, talking, whatever you do together — but turned down one notch. This will let him know that you meant what you said, but it will also give him space to get over what you said. And wait a while before you get all Good Person and try to set him up with someone else. He may not be ready … and you may find yourself oddly jealous.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Frozen-with-fear Phil who has gotten plenty of first dates, but is baffled when it comes to making the next move:

Is a tie too much, or will I look over-dressed? Should I touch my date’s arm, her shoulder… or not touch her at all? When is it OK to talk about certain subjects? Do I wait for the awkward moment at the end of the date for a kiss or not? These are just a few of the thousands of questions that go through my head. I don’t know what to do about any of it, and it’s making me sick.

Read the full letter at Happen Magazine for some ground rules from Lynn. Then come back here and add your own suggestions in the comments below!

The party’s over on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for the last five years, and we’ve lived together for three. Before we moved in together, my mother and other family members kept objecting because “it wasn’t right” to live with someone before you were married. Of course I answered that their morals didn’t apply to me. Now I wish someone had told me the real reason, which is when you want to get out of the situation, you’re a lot more stuck than if you weren’t sharing the same house.

When we started going out, it was a fling — we both agreed that it was just one night, but kept seeing each other anyway and it sort of grew from there into the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s one of only two guys I’ve really loved (and I’ve sown enough wild oats to know what I’m talking about); we always seemed to have a truly fantastic relationship — I really thought he was The One.

After he graduated from college (I’m a year older) we broke up for awhile while he moved to the west coast, but he came back after a few months because he decided that our relationship was more important than whatever he was going to do out there and that he was probably just going through a commitment freaking-out phase. Silly me, I thought this was OK and let him move into my new house.

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