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September 4

How Can Feelings Change?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:56 am

Trying to readjust on March 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of three years recently broke up with me. I don’t know what went wrong. She didn’t even tell me in person, but e-mailed me the breakup letter. I tried calling and telling her that we should talk about whatever it is that’s causing her to want to break up, but she avoids my phone calls. I e-mailed her asking her why and her reply was that her feelings for me were fading. But my question is: how can her feelings for me change so quickly? We always had fun together and I know she likes me and I like her. I’m just confused. And she also wants me to find someone else!?!?!? Why would I do that when I love her? Oh yes, her letters to me were … hmmm, how should I say this? — cold and without feeling. It was like another person was writing the letter and not her. What should I do now?

— Missing Her

Dear Missing Her,

Here is my close reading:

1. Her feelings didn’t change quickly; she just told you about them quickly. That fadin’ feeling was probably percolating for a while, and either — to give her the benefit of the doubt — she was just giving herself the chance to be absolutely sure of how she felt, or — to withdraw said benefit — she’s known for a while but, given the way she dumped you, she just didn’t feel like dealing.

2. She wants you to find someone else? That, Missing Her, is a line. Come on, didn’t it come in the form of “I want you to be with someone who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved?” That, or, she really does want you to find someone else … so that you’ll stop emailing and calling her. Either way, it’s an element of Operation Get Self Off Hook.

3. I wouldn’t dwell on the “cold and without feeling” part. Electronic breakups (see above) are not known for their warmth.

So … what should you do? Absolutely nothing. You’ve tried already, on-line and off; there’s nothing more you can do right now. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: bugging her will not bring her back. I’m really, really sorry. Miss her for a while, Missing Her — then start looking for the kind of girl who’ll dump you in person! Oh, wait, that’s not quite what I meant.

Breakup Girl


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