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May 18

Picked up, then dropped

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:14 am

Feeling rejected on July 6, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

First things first, I couldn’t stop laughing at your response to “Rocket from the Couch!” The entire office had to investigate what I was giggling about.

Anyway, to make it quick, there is this guy that I have a tiny crush on. He works at the local coffee shop and I see him almost every day. Finally, after numerous smiles and “Hey, how’s it going?” he asks what my name is. Of course I ask his and everything is great. He asks for my phone number about a week later and I am really excited. He even calls me and he comes over to my house for a weekend BBQ. He meets all my friends and everything is dandy. I see him the next day and he says that he will call that same night and that we could “hang out.” WELL! He never called me again and I haven’t seen him since. No, no, no, I will not go into the coffee shop. I have found a new coffee shop to get my daily fix. But Breakup Girl, my self-confidence is shot. I feel like a loser and I feel really rejected. I can’t stop thinking about java boy and I feel like I am going crazy! I’m also really pissed off … at him! What can I do???

— Melina

Dear Melina,

1. About “Rocket:” That made you laugh? You mean women are funny? Whoa.

2. I am sorry about Java Joe, but glad you did not stop drinking coffee in protest. That would be excessive. (Chamomile does not give you the energy you need to write to Breakup Girl about why you quit caffeine.)

3. Other than that, here is my analysis.

a. What happened. Okay, YOU DID NOT MESS UP. But my sense is, in sort of a mini, earthbound version of what happened to Reptile, above, things got too real too fast for JJ. Your house? Your friends? You two days in a row? It might not have been just caffeine that made him nervous. Again, I’m not saying you guys would be having Taster’s Choice moments today if things hadn’t started out that way. I’m just … sayin’.

b. What’s happening now. You hardly knew this guy from a milk steamer; your heart is not nearly as bruised as your pride. At this point, it’s more about principle than passion. It’s like, how could someone — anyone — not like me? Why didn’t he call when he said he would? What’s in his French Roast?

c. What should happen. From now on, don’t let your love life become contingent on the success or failure of a single event. BG’s friend Marcy made this mistake a while ago when she asked Cam out. He will be mine, she thought; oh yes, he will be mine. She got her hair done, commissioned a survey on the most-romantic-but-not-THAT-romantic restaurant; she practically called the Spielberg people. So how was the date, you ask? Fine. Only fine. How did she feel about all the effort she’d put in? Lame. Point being: hanging out, chatting up, asking out, going out — these things should become practices, habits, a constant hum of activity — not isolated be-all and end-all Events. They’re your ticket to what Breakup Girl calls the Flirtation Continuum: the zone where meeting-and-greeting is an end in itself, where no particular “Hey, let’s have latte!” or “Are you going to Rob’s party?” is a matter of love-life or -death. It takes the pressure off Java Joe situations and — go figure — when you give off this vibe, they also start coming to you.

Breakup Girl


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