Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m single, affectionate, smart, 25, employed (web designer), the whole nine that in theory should be dripping in women. The first part of my lunacy today is an ex I broke up with about a year ago, who I am beginning to think I cared for more than I wanted to admit. I broke up with her because she was nagging me and making me drive to her (LA to North Hollywood) but would never come to my house (she claimed I live in a bad neighborhood). I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me (which was stunning, in that I was at her house with her at least 5 nights a week). A year after we met, before the cheating info and after the breakup, I left a rose with no petals, an order of albacore sushi (her favorite) and a bittersweet poem on her doorstep. She claimed she didn’t understand it, we stopped talking at all. It troubled me.

Yet I wake up most mornings thinking about her. I go to sleep imagining us cuddled up together. A yearafterwards. I have dated and dealt with other people, I am actively pursuing someone very unlike her now … why can I not stop thinking about this self absorbed butterscotch bundle of infidelity? My friends almost puke every time I mention her name and hosted a celebration when I broke up with her. It’s insane.

Part 2 — I broke up with this older woman because she was conniving and hatched an elaborate plot over $5. She continued to call for … er, “visits” off and on for months, and has recently halfheartedly tried to pursue me seriously again. Remember I said my friends hate the first girl? It’s practically a jihad against this one, well known to leave 4-10 messages/day on my machine when she’s twitchy. On top of all that she has bad breath! Yet I haven’t told her to bugger off. Is it just physical? I feel so shallow just thinking that may be it.

— Bad Karma

Dear BK,

Lunacy, Part 1: You can’t stop thinking about Butterscotch Bundle because you did not get to have the last word. You tried, but as you said, she didn’t really even get the sushi-gram (so L.A.!), and plus, that all happened beforeyou got the cheating memo. That is what is driving you nuts. And fair enough.

Lunacy, Part 2: If it is just physical with Halitosa McCoy, you are hardly the first person to go there. (In the world, I mean; I don’t know about her past.) Get off your own case. And off the phone with her.

I don’t think you’re insane; I think somehow you’re getting some mileage with your buds by being The Guy with Heinous Girlfriends. It’s always good for a laugh, I’m sure, and also for … avoiding commitment. I’m just saying.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally posted on August 3, 1998.