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October 26

Wait and see?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:49 am

Taking it slow on August 24, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 28, I’ve been dating a guy for about three weeks, we’ve gone out 5-6 times, and I enjoy going out with him. But, hmmmmm…. I don’t feel any great overwhelming, surrender to me romantic attraction at this point. I thought I did initially, but even at the time I think I knew it was Affection Deprivation Syndrome (I hadn’t had any male-based attention in about 5 months after a pretty painless breakup). The problem is, I have always been a slow burner as far as men are concerned. I go along thinking so and so is a good midnight breakfast buddy and then one day I’m making my apartment lemony-fresh and thinking of something he said and laughing or out with a group of people and wishing I was with him and I can’t get him or the way he makes me feel out of my head. So I don’t know. I feel like this has the potential to turn into that, but I can never tell (time frame on these feelings is usually 4 – 6 months). The thing is, how do I tell him I don’t feel it now, but I might feel it in a little while, but I can’t be sure? Is this impossible? Is this leading him on? From what I know of him so far, he’s got his heart on his sleeve 24-7, so the friend thing would be really hard for him to handle, even though I would work on that level. And I would never string him along as a backup man (I know how bad that feels from past experience). So what can I do?

Kickin’ it Slo-mo Style

Dear Kickin’,

Hard to say. I mean, depends on what signals you’re getting from him. I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “heart on his sleeve.” Is he just, like, open sharing guy, or is he already explicitly — or implicitly — asking more of you than you’re willing to give? Has he lemony-freshed his apartment for you? Does he want you to do girlfriendy things, like help him shop, or marry him? If so, yes, you might want to have a word with that sleeve. But otherwise, 5 or 6 dates — three weeks, even — does not a Commitment Crossroads make. On the other hand — while I’m all in favor of a slow burn — four months is a long time for another person to wait and see if you “might” feel something. At some point before Month Three, you’re definitely going to have to trust and act on how you … don’t feel.

Breakup Girl


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