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December 16

Can I have a healthy relationship?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:45 am

Getting serious on September 7, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 25 and when I was 9 I was molested for over a year by my babysitter. Obviously this was a pretty traumatic experience. But since my family doesn’t seem to like dealing with any sort of unpleasantness, it was never talked about within my family and I have never gone through any therapy.

Fast forward to the present: I’m a fairly well-adjusted kickass kind of chick who feels fairly normal compared to some of her emotionally unstable friends. There is one problem though; I can’t seem to date anyone for longer than two weeks. Most of the time the guys are losers who can’t commit and so they ditch me pretty quickly. Also up until recently I wasn’t sure I wanted to date anyone seriously.

Well, now I want to and it feels like I can’t.

So here’s the big question: Can someone who’s suffered a trauma that shattered her confidence in herself and others when she was a child ever have a healthy relationship? I don’t really feel like I need therapy cause I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me emotionally. But I’ve been dating for 7 years and have never had a long term, committed relationship.

If you have an opinion, please share it.


Dear Jeze,

Belleruth? “Yes, yes, yes. Someone who’s had a big time trauma can have a successful relationship. It’s done every day. This is the truth. And if you’re ready, the opportunities will present themselves. If you run into a nice non-loser who is very interested well beyond the requisite two weeks, and you still get the heebie jeebies, then there are several possibilities:

1. maybe you’re just a little nervous, from not dating much, and you’ll get over it.

2. maybe (a) your abuse history or (b) your family’s inability to deal with reality has left you skittish, and you’ll either get over it with the help of this lovely guy, or you’ll get some therapy and get over it.

3. Or maybe you’re still not ready to settle down with someone, and you just think you oughta be.”

By the way, therapy doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you emotionally. You are fine. And you will no doubt find that lovely guy. And you suffered a major trauma. And it really might help you to take a look under the hood. That’s all we’re saying.

BG and BR


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