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August 8

I want more talking and less sex

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:56 am

fantasyTalking is overrated on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

A year ago I walked into the first day of class and saw the most beautiful girl I had seen in a VERY long time. I had a huge crush instantly. Everyone has certain criteria, whether they know them or not, and She meets all of mine. Intelligent, funny, caring, active, silly, an incredible smile, beautiful eyes… ouch!

Anyways, a few months later I noticed her talking to me more frequently and had the feeling something was happening but thought nothing of it. While we were in Toronto for a conference, we went out with mutual friends one night. Her friend, whom she was staying with suggested I crash at her place since it was closer. I’m thinking, “great idea, She’s staying there!” Anyways, the friend, the crush, and I went back to the friend’s place, and we stayed up talking for a while, then went to our respective rooms. 45 minutes later I’m woken up by my door opening and She’s crawling into my bed saying she was cold. I’m thinking “I will keep my hands to myself,” but that quickly changed when she started kissing the back of my neck. Anyways, skipping ahead two hours,we both agreed that we were not looking for a relationship since our course/work-load simply didn’t leave enough time for one. After getting back to school, we found that the course-load did not decrease our sex drives.

We both found that while we had trouble keeping our hands off each other, the most important part of a relationship, communication, was going nowhere. Auuugh!!! It would seem like we’d just run out of things to say. I don’t think there was anything worse than feeling like I didn’t have anything to talk to her about. I even started to plan ahead what I could talk to her about at one point! Anyways, we broke up after about one and a half months because we agreed that we were missing something pretty and important; communication.

At this point in time we’ve finished school and moved back to the same city. But the communication is still awful! When we’re out with mutual friends, she can talk to them, I can talk to them, but we still can’t comfortably talk to each other! Occasionally when we’re not “trying” to have a conversation, we talk with no problem. What gives? I feel like there’s tension betwen us but from what?

The break-up was initiated by her, but I whole-heartedly agreed to it, to keep the friendship. Are there some people who have similar ideals, personalities, opinions, like/dislikes, who are physically attracted to each other, but just don’t have anything to talk about? Are we just too nervous around each other? I realize I am putting pressure on myself; not every conversation will be quality but I don’t know what to do? Do I jokingly ask, “Why is it we have the most mechanical, conversations on the planet?” I guess I’m afraid of looking like an obsessive freak if I try to talk to her about this, and this hasn’t even bothered her. I am even making sense? I don’t what to do.

Confused Canadian

Dear Confused,

Easy. You guys are hot for each other. Period. In your case, “communication” = Body Language, end of story. You were hot for her the instant you saw her (which, yes, can be the way that long lasting profound relationships start), but in this case, the warm fuzzies never showed up to spackle the cracks. You are trying to be nice and cute and wholesome and “relationship” about it, but it’s just not that kind of thing. You guys had a rare well-handled, clear-sighted, fallout-free breakup — and now, it ain’t broke. Fix nothing; say nothing. If you guys get stilted talking about, you know, socialized medicine, just try talking about The Relationship.

Breakup Girl


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