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February 10

You probably don’t want to know

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:58 am

Having trust issues on September 21, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, thank you so much for writing this column!! It really helped me through the days that I was depressed after my boyfriend of 11 months unexpectedly broke up with me. We had been broken up for four months when we had a really big talk and decided to try again. We’re a month into this stage of our relationship and it’s been going really well. We have one issue, though. He thinks that he shouldn’t have to tell me about anything (sexually) that he did during the four months that we were apart. He thinks that I should just trust him when he says that he has not done anything that will put me at risk. He claims that he doesn’t want to hear anything from me– but I already told him that I didn’t sleep with anyone else– and doesn’t like to think of me as having ever been with anyone else. I think that he just doesn’t want to tell me that he was with other girls– doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, admit to casual sex, whatever. I think that it is important to know, though. He claims that it is just curiosity and that I should be content with the fact that he cares about me and no one else.

Help!! Am I being too pushy? Am I being unreasonable?

— Confused

Dear Confused,

Another chance to reiterate my policy on this: don’t ask, don’t tell. Do you trust him about the not putting you at risk part? If so, then clench your fists and drop it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: don’t create some false gold standard of full disclosure and ask each other more than you really want to know. The answer will likely be: more than you really wanted to know.

Breakup Girl


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