Reuniting on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me oBG-Kenobi, you’re my only hope! Okay, a year ago I moved to New York City from California to begin graduate school. I left behind a guy there with who I had a very drawn out, sticky, co-dependent relationship for about 5 years. Here’s the background–we started dating senior year of high school. While we had similar interests, what kept us together was this unhealthy nurse-patient relationship with a constant cycle of fighting and breaking up to keep things interesting. He has a disease that’s making him slowly go blind–it’s sort of like a progressive tunnel-vision. And that was diagnosed when he was 13 (sometime around when he had just seen Top Gun and decided that he wanted to be an Air Force pilot) and then he was declared legally blind when he was 16, right after he’d signed up to get his driver’s permit. So far he hasn’t learned to cope–no disability training and his old room is filled with model fighter planes. Spooky.

But with sheer will and determination he’s pursued interests in athletics and music which you would have never thought possible. The down side is that he always plays himself as a victim and constantly alienates his friends with his “everyone is out to get me” attitude. I’m sure if he would ever consent to seeing a psychologist, a lot of this behavior wouldn’t come as a surprise. So my role in this relationship is that I’m the only one who really understands him and he was incredibly emotionally dependent on me. For me it was a “I needed to be needed” thing. The problem was that he has no ability to handle conflict–arguments escalated quickly, he could be so easily provoked it was laughable, but what wasn’t so funny was how quick he was to say cruel and terrible things to me when he was angry. My way of handling it was to be a peacemaker or avoid conflict entirely–for a long time I had no spine to fight back, and anyway, it was easy to anticipate what would anger him (ie everything). As a result, there were a lot of things I never told him because I knew how he’d react (like that he wasn’t the first person I slept with even though he thinks we were eachother’s first–could it get any worse??). So for 5 years we were on again, off again, each time I would forgive and hope/think that maybe he’d changed. Yes I had low self esteem in my relationships. We were together when I decided to go to New York for graduate school and he was considering coming out here after he finished an extra year of college. But by the time I was ready to leave I had a few epiphanies and realized that enough was enough and now was the time to start over. I told him that I was going to New York and I am on my own now. And that was *supposed* to be goodbye for good. It has been one year and I had not heard from him. The time and distance has allowed me to heal and understand the mistakes both he and I made. But now out of the blue I receive an e-mail from him–HE’S MOVED HERE!!!

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Helping a friend on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I enjoy your advice immensely but I’ve never seen this issue tackled before. I’m a female friend of a wonderful guy who is in his mid-thirties, a doctor, funny, intelligent, handsome — and all that, but over the last two years he has developed an increasingly debilitating severe lower-back problem. He has no trouble getting women, but for the last two serious relationships he has had (both with women in their mid-twenties), one of which lasted about a year, and the most recent which lasted about 8 months, he feels that initially things go great but as the relationship progresses and he starts spending more and more time with his girlfriend, that she becomes aware of his “chronic pain condition” and how truly limiting it is – he spends a lot of time at doctors, a LOT of bed-rest with icepack on his back, TENs units — things like that. So he ends up not being able to do all the things that people dating can so often do — ie. go to movies, bike ride, travel, etc.

His last girlfriend just dumped him a few days ago saying that “some spark was missing.” Well, no kidding, he’s in a lot of pain, he get’s depressed, and he’s forced to be inactive a lot! He may or may not be able to have back surgery for his particular problem, and even then he will probably never have normal mobility.

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Getting out of bed on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met a guy online who was so sweet and a real friend, or so I thought. He had good reasons for breaking up, but he says he wants to be friends, which is fine with me, but he is avoiding me. I am older than him, and this has really destroyed my ego. I should mention that I have been stuck in the house for 3 years, I have a herniated disc, sciatica, and arthritis in my hips, and I am much too young for this. I am in almost constant pain; my friends have sort of cut me out of their life, because I was bed-bound for so long. The last two weeks were great; but now the pain is coming back even worse.All the guys I meet online (which is ok with my husband, so long as I am faithful) are really nice at first, but after awhile when my back acts up, they get impatiant, which I can understand, as being in so much pain is a drag, for me, and for my friends. My husband is just not the romantic type and I need some happiness in my life (we fight frequently)! Yet I have no wish to hurt or leave him. What do I do, Breakup Girl? I am very depressed, I’m even taking Prozac, and because of the pain I’m in can’t work. There is also another guy online that I have feelings for but he doesn’t treat me very well. And one other that shares a relationship with me that is so special. Can you give me some advice? I do not wish to hurt anyone, but it seems that I am the one being hurt. Help!!! Thank you so much, I hope one day to be well enough in body, mind, and spirit to help others with their problems. I was able to do that at one time, but since this pain began, I cannot even help myself. If there is anything you can do to help me I would be so appreciative, and also on the road to recovery and helping others again as I used to. Light and Love.
— L

But wait, there’s more.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote to you earlier this morning. I am sorry if my letter wasn’t the most coherent…I only discoverd you today and didn’t even know the format the letter should take. My problems run even deeper than I stated in my earlier letter. (more…)