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April 29, 2008

Now on MSN.com: Quick-quick-SLOW

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:18 am

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet Mandy, who — just like we always tell you guys — totally met a guy in her dance class! Everything went great until … it didn’t. Caramba! Now what? Can Mandy — who now feels dancing-foolish — still show her face in salsa? Or is she doomed to a life of long romantic nights at home with Bruno Tonioli? Read her letter and Lynn’s answer to find out, and then come back here to chat!

15 Comments »

  1. I’ve dealt with a similar situation before. Years ago I met a lady at the dance studio. Eventually our friendship became an intense, passionate and tumultuous relationship. After the inevitable breakup, there was the lingering question, who would get the dance studio? Given that Mandy was only dating this man for only a few weeks, the only reason they would need to avoid each other would be if it is unpleasant for her to be around him. Dating and breakups happen rather regularly at the dance studios I’ve been to, so people tend to be at least familiar with this kind of situation.

    If she does need to avoid him (for her own sake), Mandy has a few obvious options. She could see if the studio offers the same class on an alternate night when the guy doesn’t attend. She could switch to a different studio that the guy doesn’t attend. Or she could start learning a different style of dance that this man isn’t taking.

    Since my girlfriend recently broke up with me, I’m intending to ask a few ladies at the dance studio for their phone numbers … after I take some time to recover from the breakup. Regardless of how things turn out with these ladies, I hope all of them feel comfortable continuing to come to the studio. I enjoy having all of them around as dance partners.

    Comment by Karl R — April 29, 2008 @ 11:07 am

  2. HI, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON THIS SITE. I HAVE TO SAY I THOUGHT THE ADVICE THIS YOUNG WOMAN WAS GIVEN WAS VERY SENSITIVE, COMPASSIONATE AND WISE. I APPRECIATED READING IT. IM AN OLDER (MUCH)OLDER SINGLE WOMAN AND ENJOY LEARNING AND GROWING. I HAVE ALSO BEEN AN ARTIST AND USED TO THINK OF HAVING A COMIC STRIP ABOUT BEING A SINGLE OLDER PERSON. THANKS FOR THIS SITE. SUZY LOWINGER

    Comment by SUZY LOWINGER — April 29, 2008 @ 12:43 pm

  3. if she can i would take a different class time if offered, she shuldnt have to give up her dance class. many different options.

    my experience was the complete opposite. i went out with a fella with my church and we went to do salsa dancing lessons….which was fun, excpet i got a little ….”eh”. so that didnt work out. eventually he left the church and i left (For different reasons). one more reason to not date. people asked alot of questions which i really was not terribly inclined to answer in any case….

    still it was nice that he paid for the lessons(and was actually willing to it in bulk!) but in reality i saved myself a bunch of mess. skittish as a mouse he was! he was going to pay for a bulk but then he sort of freaked out…but i digress.

    lots of avoidance and embarssment. its probably why i dont do those sorts of things in a group b/c it gets weird if it doesnt work. their is avoidance, etc. eww…

    Comment by Karen — April 29, 2008 @ 6:12 pm

  4. I can understand why people avoid dating inside their social circles. More than once I’ve had to deal with the awkwardness and avoidance when a relationship didn’t work out.

    But it also seems to me like it’s a completely counterproductive dating strategy. I lead a fairly active life. With all the activities that I regularly pursue, I don’t have a lot of time to go out and meet other women. It’s far more time-efficient to meet women through the activities that I’m involved with (church, choir, yoga, dancing).

    In addition, if I’m dating someone that I met through a shared activity, I don’t end up wasting time dating women that are clearly incompatible. I have a weird sense of humor, and my primary dating criterion is for the woman to have a similar sense of humor. If I see a woman once a week, I’ve certainly had an opportunity to find out whether we can make each other laugh. I also get to know what the woman’s personality is like before I ask her out.

    In addition, I know that we have at least one shared activity that we can enjoy together. Unlike online dating, I know that this is something that the woman pursues out of genuine interest, not just a filler activity that she listed out of a desire to appear more interesting in her online profile. (I’m sure men are at least as guilty as women in doing this.)

    If I’m seriously seeking to date, I’m not going to start my search by ruling out all the women that I actually know.

    And things don’t have to turn out awkwardly after the relationship ends. In 2006 I met a lady in my church choir; a few months later we began dating. The relationship lasted for about 8 months. Afterwards, we remained friends, and we both remained in the choir. Both of us had handled the relationship and the split maturely, which minimized any awkwardness. She’s now seriously involved with another gentleman in the choir.

    Comment by Karl R — April 30, 2008 @ 1:48 pm

  5. If you don’t go to class than you are admitting to him, the class and yourself that there is something wrong with you. You are admitting that the the breakup was your fault and you are doing damage to your self esteem.

    The only reason you are unsure of attending class is that he will be there. The only reason his presence is an issue is because he told you you were not good enough…and you believe it. Well DON’T BELIEVE IT! If you broke up with him, would you still attend YOUR CLASS. You bet you would!

    Get back to class with your head held high confident in the knowedleg that the breakup is a poor reflection on him not you! Life is too short to let others beat you up mentally or physically so do not let them!!

    Comment by Joe — May 1, 2008 @ 4:27 pm

  6. Im going through a similar situation as Mandy only i have been going out with my other half for six months and then he just keeps distancing himself to the point where were on the verge of breaking up… so i already know how awkward its going to be for her. I have pretty much the same classes with my other. Its not going to be easy. Just grin and bear it.

    Comment by Catrina Tarr — May 6, 2008 @ 12:13 pm

  7. UGH. A quick-quick-SLOW guy. I just got burned by one as well… only we’ll be attending the same college come fall. I guess expectations are to blame, but after he broke up with me, we talked about those expectations. And we both had the same expectations going into the relationship, and we were both not comfortable with how our relationship wasn’t living up to those expectations. And (long story short) those problems are going to be POOF! nonexistent in August, since it was all about not being at the same school in the first place. He told me that he sincerely wished he had talked to me about that before he broke up with me, because then he wouldn’t have. He told me that he misses me so very much, and then made plans to visit me over the summer, and for me to visit him over the summer, and then, a couple days later, he cancels and says that he can’t even speak to me at all right now. quick-quick-SLOW is the perfect way to describe him. I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who’s been hurt by a guy like him. I just don’t even know how to handle it anymore!! =( Or what to do when we run into each other in a few months. He’s gotten a mean streak and I don’t know if my “revenge-by-being-successful-and-beautiful” strategy is going to hold up if he keeps up with this mean streak to my face. It’s so unlike him. Sigh.

    Comment by Angela — May 6, 2008 @ 5:00 pm

  8. Been a long time ballroom dancer. She needen’t be upset with him. If during that short time it was intense (read sexual) then i’d probably chose a different studio to go to. Otherwise i’d just move on. As mentioned it happens from time to time and i’m sure there are several other gentlemen there who ARE going to be very much interested in your company. Good luck and keep up with the 1-2-3 (Or 2-3-4 for you Mambo types).

    Comment by Jason — May 6, 2008 @ 6:29 pm

  9. Well, I can give you my similar experience and maybe you can see another side of this situation. I had been seeing a guy for several months whome I met through work. We have an intense attraction towards each other. We’d talked about our goals and dreams and how similar we were to each other. One evening we hung out and became very passionate when he walked me to my car. We were discussing spending the night together when he said he wasnt quite ready for a commitment. He told me I was so amazing, to please not get over him he justed needed a little more time to be completely ready for a commitment, and he liked me so amazingly much. “God! I like you so much.” Were his exact words. Then exactly two weeks later he said to me there probably wouldn’t be anything more in the future. I was so shocked. I thought I would play it cool casue he was confused possibly. Then I find out some girl he dated for one month when he was 14 had popped back into his life. He thought it was fate. I keep going to work with a smile and being just a good friend to him. Its been three months and other guys are asking me out and he is getting overly jealous, and now super flirty again. (I dont mind since I am in love with him and hope he will realize that he made a mistake.) My advice is to go into class and at least smile and act as if it doesnt bother you. Be pleasant to him. He will see your strength and become attracted to you again. If you cannot handle or wish for this, then do as others have suggested and go to other scheduled classes. Check out “Christian Carters” advice as well. He is very knowledgable on mens phsychology. When I experienced this situation I searched for answers everywhere. We cannot choose where and when we fall in love, it is out of our control.

    Comment by Carmon — May 6, 2008 @ 7:03 pm

  10. I know this is a Women’s site and the words used here are caring and sensitive but from a guy’s perspective are you sure it wasn’t his girlfriend who was away for two weeks instead? Question: Did his cell phone ever ring when he was with you? Or was it always conveniently silenced. I find it odd that he wants to see you as much as possible for the predetermined time frame then don’t want anything to do with you after that point. Just a thought.

    Comment by Wayne — May 6, 2008 @ 7:15 pm

  11. I have a similar situation at the dance class,my partner likes me
    but get’s the idea there’s was something between us from me, i guess
    she started to analyze or sort things out in her mind and I kidded her
    on being stingy she became angry and now refuses my offer to give her
    a lift and now we hardly speak to each other. However, we still dance
    in rotation in a respectalble manner and yes please continue to go
    dancing even if that person is so special,life goes on and we need
    to deal with it.

    Jimmy,New York

    Comment by james perez sr. — May 7, 2008 @ 11:14 am

  12. Just so you ladies know, the quick, quick slow can also go like this for guys: I haven’t had sex in a while and I’m really horny, she’s attractive, do anything to get her in the sack, got her in the sack, it wasn’t that great, I’m no longer interested, NEXT!

    Comment by Joe — May 15, 2008 @ 5:54 pm

  13. [...] pro on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars, dancing can improve your relationship, and not just with Bruno Tonioli. In fact, Dovolani spends time between seasons helping couples cha-cha, waltz, and salsa their [...]

    Pingback by Breakup Girl » That could lead to dancing — March 19, 2009 @ 1:21 pm

  14. Although I dearly and deeply loved an ex, his jealousy broke our relationship. I too often felt like I was being unfairly accused or suspected of cheating when I only had eyes for him. His lack of trust brought up a lot of deep seated issues in me, and ultimately we split over it.

    Comment by san diego dating — March 15, 2010 @ 1:04 pm

  15. Good! What a excellent write-up! Just one single advice:Should you then add pix, it would easiler to comply with!

    Comment by Jordan 11 Space Jam — June 9, 2010 @ 8:19 pm

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