We are kicking off our new blog with the very first advice letter that we answered back on December 1, 1997–yeah, 10 years and two months ago! Along with new comics, news and observations, our plan is to present “classic” advice letters daily for new readers to discover and old fans to (finally!) comment on …

Dear Breakup Girl,
I am SO OVER HIM, I really am. Having bought your book and followed its wisdom, I even have a spiffy (better!) new boyfriend. But I worry that I’m a bad person ’cause I am sort of obsessed with my ex’s new girlfriend, who is richer, thinner, and more Society than me. I am not exaggerating, she’s got a Celebrity Hair Stylist and everything. He must be all “God, how could I have gone out with that cow when I now have this beauty?” And I worry I’ll bump into her at the supermarket (though probably she sends a serf to do her shopping) and she’ll look at me and sneer. Why do I care? It’s really annoying me.
— Out of Groceries

Dear Out of Groceries,
The way I see it, you are actually fortunate that this Lord of the Flies with shopping serfs is a huge heinous society babe with Celebrity Hair. Let’s say, instead, that your non-spiffy ex had started dating someone REALLY SIMILAR TO YOU. Then you’d really have something to worry about. Even though you are over him (I believe you!), you’d be comparing yourself to her on a much less superficial, much more meaningful — and thus much more intimidating — level. Not “What if he likes her better because she got to take him to that party that Shalom Harlow and whats-her-name von Furstenburg were at?” but “What if he likes her better because…she’s a better person?”

Trust me, it’s better this way.
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Would it help if a rumor got spread that the next hot Celebrity Hair Style is the revival of the Dorothy Hamill? Breakup Girl will make some calls.