Ghosts of boyfriends past visiting on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I feel as though I’m experiencing a sitcom “inner dialogue/fantasy sequence”…it’s so cliche as to be deeply disturbing. I’ve been broken up since February and just recently started dating again…er, and venturing into nakedness with other men…

The problem is I keep thinking of my ex during all “intimate” activities. It’s so distracting that can’t enjoy myself and I feel terribly impolite (even though the guy I’m with has no idea). This has really never happened before. How can I make this ghostly bedfellow disappear??

— Clare

Dear Clare,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone else you’ve slept with.

I mean, you can toss their stuff off the balcony, but the muscle-memory of sex and intimacy will stay much more firmly lodged under your skin. Which means that to some degree — when you get naked with someone new — that ghostly presence in your pores is normal. And thus that to some degree, letting him be — rather than distracting yourself by trying to shove him from your mind — is what will help fade him out.

Also, make sure you actually like these naked boys. ‘Cause that ghost guy might also be Banquo. Wondering: “What are you thinking!?”

Love,
Breakup Girl

A game of telephone on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

About a year ago, an old male friend moved back to town. We quickly became best friends. Our feelings toward each other changed and we began dating, then he lost his job. The dating stopped. We remained close friends until we got in a fight about us dating, and haven’t spoken in four months. Now, his brother is calling me, wanting to know details about my personal life. I think my friend is up to it, but feel that he should be the one calling me. My best friend disagrees and says that I should tell his brother how I feel. What do you think?

— Joanna

Dear Joanna,

Tell the brother nothing. Except maybe if you want to just happen to let it slip that you are currently succesful and satisfied in all areas of your life. And also that you got that way as a result of having unlocked the secret to the universe, which is: mind and conduct your own business.

Love,
Breakup Girl

My dad has done a lot of things for me. He taught me to drive. He bought me my first car. He changed the oil in said car. But of all the car-related things my dad has done for me, he has not once, in ALL the years I’ve known him, ever set fire to my ex-boyfriend’s garage. Not once.

Should I feel, I don’t know, somehow deprived? Like my dad wasn’t involved enough in my life?

We are kicking off our new blog with the very first advice letter that we answered back on December 1, 1997–yeah, 10 years and two months ago! Along with new comics, news and observations, our plan is to present “classic” advice letters daily for new readers to discover and old fans to (finally!) comment on …

Dear Breakup Girl,
I am SO OVER HIM, I really am. Having bought your book and followed its wisdom, I even have a spiffy (better!) new boyfriend. But I worry that I’m a bad person ’cause I am sort of obsessed with my ex’s new girlfriend, who is richer, thinner, and more Society than me. I am not exaggerating, she’s got a Celebrity Hair Stylist and everything. He must be all “God, how could I have gone out with that cow when I now have this beauty?” And I worry I’ll bump into her at the supermarket (though probably she sends a serf to do her shopping) and she’ll look at me and sneer. Why do I care? It’s really annoying me.
— Out of Groceries

Dear Out of Groceries,
The way I see it, you are actually fortunate that this Lord of the Flies with shopping serfs is a huge heinous society babe with Celebrity Hair. Let’s say, instead, that your non-spiffy ex had started dating someone REALLY SIMILAR TO YOU. Then you’d really have something to worry about. Even though you are over him (I believe you!), you’d be comparing yourself to her on a much less superficial, much more meaningful — and thus much more intimidating — level. Not “What if he likes her better because she got to take him to that party that Shalom Harlow and whats-her-name von Furstenburg were at?” but “What if he likes her better because…she’s a better person?”

Trust me, it’s better this way.
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Would it help if a rumor got spread that the next hot Celebrity Hair Style is the revival of the Dorothy Hamill? Breakup Girl will make some calls.