Straight to the point on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am seeing a guy who is older than me. He can go to bars and clubs and I can’t. Do you have any ideas on good dates that he would enjoy?

— PA Girl

Dear PA,

Yeah, I got a million (sports games, sports activities, going to movies, renting movies, eating out, baking cookies, etc.).

Does he?

Just making sure that when it comes to fun, you’re not doing all the work.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Lacking mom genes on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m stuck so I thought I’d write…I’ve been with the same guy (my first love) for 13 years and married for ten of them. I’m 30, he’s 37 and we met when I was 17. He’s considerate, kind, caring, funny, intelligent, a hard worker and throughout the whole period we’ve been together we’ve rarely argued. He’s my best friend, a wonderful lover and my family think he’s great.

Unfortunately though, there’s a problem…He comes from a *large* family and has often mentioned the idea of having kids. I, however, have never had a maternal streak, have a successful career and a huge desire to travel extensively. I NEVER misled him about this…..I always made it perfectly clear right from the start that I wasn’t “motherly” and at the very least couldn’t begin to contemplate starting a family without having travelled and achieved what I wanted to do in life first. Things have become increasingly rutlike over the past year and it’s reached a point of stalemate. He’s not content with the childless life and won’t travel because he wants kids, and I don’t want family (if at all) until I’ve done everything I want to do in life and in my career. He’s mentioned that he thought I would change as I grew older but I haven’t (at least not in the way he would have preferred.)

(more…)

Un-mixed signals on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do you get a guy to catch on that you like him? I”ve emailed him, called him, been to his house, even told his best friend, and what other people seem to think is that he likes me too. I understand that he just ended a sort-of relationship a week or two ago and that he says he doesn’t want a long relationship because he can’t stand people for that long, and I agree. I’d just like to try something to see what develops. I don’t know what more I can do besides walking up to him and outright telling him, but I’m still unsure whether he’s being deliberately obtuse or if he’s incredibly unobservant. We are both going to be seniors in the same high school so I will be able to see him hopefully occasionally at least (it’s very large). So, should I just wait for him to notice (which could be after we head off to college at this rate) or attempt something a little more direct?

— Brittany

Dear Brittany,

He knows.

Next!

Love,
Breakup Girl

New thoughts on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you. In fact, it sounds that way to me as I type it. You see, BG, I’ve been reading this site for a while, and it irks me to no end when people wire about how lonely they are, and how some of them feel as though they need another person to be complete. I’ve always been content with my life and myself, and I never thought I needed a man. Lately, though, I’ve started to feel very lonely (I’m ashamed to admit it, but I even shed a few tears a few hours ago). Why, you ask? Well, I have been without a man (a date, even!) for over a year. It’s starting to get to me. I mean, I’m even starting to wonder what’s wrong with me that no one is interested (or the only people that are, are the guy friends that you just want to keep as that … friends!) I guess some motivational words about hanging in there and having fun on my own are truly needed right now. Thanks for listening, BG!
— Deborah

BG gets motivational after the jump!

Don’t go changin’ on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am very shy. I know I’m not pretty or anything but I’m 16 and never had a boyfriend. I have low self-esteem and that is why I’ve been told I can’t get a boyfriend, and the guys I like never like me back — they always like the skinny show-all types. My friend who is pretty, all the guys stare at her. My question is how to attract the guy I am interested in without changing myself.

— Depressed

Dear Depressed,

Staring and liking are not the same. “Skinny show-all” and “self-esteem” aren’t either. But otherwise, you’re on the right track: don’t you dare change — or show — a thing. And no, don’t just “be yourself, blah blah blah” — be even more of yourself. Do the stuff you love; really really enjoy it; be good at it. Excellent boys will not stare; they will notice.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Intellectualizing on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I never even get that far. I want to be in a committed relationship so much and I never, ever manage to even have a boyfriend or dates past one or two.

What on earth is wrong with me? I’m a little overweight but I am sexy (even I can tell that) and objectively, I am probably more attractive than any woman who happens to be with someone I desire. Furthermore, I actually am very smart and very, very well-educated (abroad). My friend (a journalist) says I am an intellectual posing as a babe. That pretty much sums it up, really. ( I say all this because most people totally overestimate their looks and intelligence.)

Everyone I am attracted to wants or is involved with someone else. Always. The holidays used to be a dull ache but now they feel like stabs in my face, sharp and so painful.

I am very scared of ending up alone. Christmas is already starting to make me cry and we’re just in August. I just don’t know why I am being punished like this.

And by the way, I used to blame this feeling on where I come from which is a rural area. Since then, I have lived on two additional continents and three countries, in each case looking for love (if I have to admit that). Obviously the problem is with me and I am scared of always being alone or having to settle (which I think I would never do).

I am 30 years old by the way.

— Scared and Loveless

BG’s advice after the jump!

Back to basics on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 17 years old, and have NEVER had a girlfriend. I am attracted to women and all, but have never had a girlfriend. I’ve liked many girls. It may be because I am shy when it comes to women, I just don’t know. So, is this abnormal? What can I do about it?

— Mike

Dear Mike,

BG needs to know more about your technique. If any. You say you’ve liked many girls … but is BG the only girl who knows that? Look, if you’ve been too “shy” to talk to them at all, you could not be more “normal.” (Also, single.) Just listen to what the supercute Everyguys who wrote What Men Want have to say: “When men feel that spark of attraction, we become excited and nervous. … It is the woman we really want to meet who makes us tongue-tied. We erect a barrier of fear and desire that may become difficult to break through. As soon as the spark is lit, our confidence tends to plummet, we lose our rap, and we become fearful, fumbling idiots.” So now do you feel normal? (Also, hopeless?)

Listen, Mike, if walking up to a complete stranger and saying “Where do you been here all my life often?” is not your style, so be it. It’s just as well. So try to meet and hang out with people in situations where you already have a surer foothold, a more comfortable context. Thing is, though, when you LIKE-like someone; you’re gonna feel shy. It’s part of the tingle. (Also, terror.) But take heart, not flight: we actually think it’s pretty cute.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Underachieving on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, here you have yet another of those “I haven’t had a boyfriend in __ years, am I pathetic?” letters. Except combined with one of those “I am __ years old and haven’t ____ yet, am I pathetic?” letters. I’m 19 years old and I have never had a relationship of any kind, unless you count a disposable camp/vacation fling several years ago (which, while fun, was very brief, decidedly casual and ended badly). I am constantly surrounded by dating/engaged/even married friends, teen romance movies and TV shows like Dawson’s Creek and Buffy etc. where these decidedly younger people are far beyond my experience (I know it’s just TV but it’s still depressing) and letters in your column from an army of young lovers. Well, I haven’t had a hint of romance or even lust thus far, and I don’t understand why!

Well, OK, I do. I was one of those driven, Straight-A Activity Girl Overachievers in high school, and while that was handy in the scholarship department it did not exactly work wonders for my love life. It didn’t bother me (much…) at the time, because I figured there was plenty of time for that Later. WELL it’s Later, and still no luck! I’ve seen my college friends hook up while I stay horribly single. Now I’m feeling lonely and wondering where I went wrong. It’s not like I’m ugly (decidedly average looking to tell the truth). I get along well with people, I’m reasonably funny and interesting (so I’ve been told). But, you guessed it, I’m horribly shy. I don’t know what to do. I know things will be easier once I’ve jumped into the dating pool, but I have no idea how to do that. Please help.

— Lonely

P.S. Am I pathetic???

BG’s suggestions to be less Lonely after the jump!

Trying to fit in on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem is that I don’t have a boyfriend. I know this may sound stupid, but it kinda upsets me. All my close friends have boyfriends, but I’ve never had a good relationship with a guy. I’m only 16, I know, and have kissed a few guys but none really like me, that I know of anyway. All my friends are really pretty too, and I’m only average (but on the plus side of average, I think…) so I think no guys want to settle for me when they COULD have someone like them. I DO have low self-esteem, I know that, and this doesn’t help matters at all. I’m fairly smart, but not a geek, and am in what is considered the “cool” group. I play in a band and stuff like that and have heaps of friends, but can’t seem to get a boyfriend. I know you’ll probably say, “You’re fine the way you are, yada yada yada,” but what should I do?

— Jayne

BG does NOT say she’s fine, after the jump!

A lot of us singletons make the mistake of thinking that finding someone is the hard part. And that once you do, you’re set. We tend to forget that there is — ideally — a whole life-time of Relationship Maintenance that follows. And if you believe that that’s easy, I’ve got a ticket to “Your Friends and Neighbors” to sell you. Basically, it’s the story of two couples in/from hell. How brutal is it? Makes “Private Ryan” look like “Air Bud.” For further evidence that the relationship is the hard part, see … all of my columns.

To put it another way (and to quote myself): having a boy/girlfriend is like having a car with air conditioning. It may be more comfortable at times, but there’s a whole lot more stuff that can go wrong.

That is just one of several things I would like to point out to the many fine folks who write me to ask,

Dear Breakup Girl,
Why Don’t I Have a Boy/Girlfriend?

(Hi, Breakup Mom, I know you just sat up a little straighter in your seat.)

And here’s the problem: the folks who ask me that are fine folks. I mean, if they were saying: “Dear Breakup Girl, I have a second head in the shape of Boba Fett, my gums bleed when I’m nervous, and Kenneth Starr is my hero…why am I alone?” well, then we’d have a clear place to start (eg “online dating”). So I can’t necessarily tell each of you precisely why. But I can give you some perspective. Which is something everyone should have beforethey have a boy/girlfriend, anyway.

1. Why no ragazzo/a?* No rhyme or reason. Why, just think of all the excellent, admirable civilians (as opposed to superheroes) who are single. Like Winona Ry– no … Antonio Band– no, Barbra Strei– no, Will Smi– no. Okay, different tack. There’s no nice way to say this, but BG has made the acquaintance of plenty of people who were not conventionally “good-looking” or “socially adept” or, well, “interesting” — and they had B/GFs. Go figure. So quit wondering if you’re “normal.” A lot of people have girl/boyfriends … who are mean to them, or for reasons like “I’m afraid to drive on the highway.” How normal is that?

2. Dawson’s Creek is not reality. Your first tipoff should be the guy in a rowboat wearing a sport jacket. Your second tipoff should be that the guy in a rowboat wearing a sport jacket has no idea that Joey is in love with him. Look, you all know this, but I’ll say it anyway. Movies and songs and TV — even CNN, these days — fetishize love. Like, did you ever see the doctors on General Hospital actually doct? All you see and hear are people who yearn for it, who have it, who had it, who wear funny ties for it. All love, all the time. Which is kinda sorta how we feel deep down — and is what keeps BG in business — but maybe we’d be able to override it better and maybe get something freaking done around here if everything in our culture weren’t this big huge blinding yellow stickie in front of our face that says: LOVE! GOT ANY YET? HUH HUH HUH?

3. I know it’s fall, but B/GFs are not school supplies. (Hey, grownups, just because I’m making Dawson’s Creek references doesn’t mean I’m not talking to you. First of all, shut up, you totally watch it. Second, even if you haven’t been to school in years, I know you’ve been to Staples to look at the cute new notebooks and highlighters. Third, high school, is a metaphor for life, in a Lord of the Flies sort of way. So my analogies and advice should communicate loud and clear to everyone.) The point here being: there’s a lot of pressure — in culture and in “real life,” which, in a Truman Show sort of way, are not unrelated — to “get” (your verb, not mine) a boy/girlfriend. Having one “means” you are cool, attractive, popular, legit. But listen: if you get/have one just for those reasons, then you are NOT in the In Crowd at BG High, okay? I know this is really really easy — if not totally obvious — for me to say, but if you look on a boy/girlfriend as your own personal Self-Worth-o-Matic, well, let’s just say that’s one of those gadgets with planned obsolescence.

4. Approchable is better than “Stunning.” If you don’t believe me, see the clever article on this very topic in this month’s Marie Claire (I think). “Stunning” makes certain people’s knees weak, yes — that is, too weak to dare walk over and start a conversation. You get my drift; I’m not going to get into the whole looks thing again. (Note: “Approchable” — unlike “terrific” and “such a pretty face” — is totally a sincere, legit compliment; it really means pleasant, inviting, attractive.)

5. “Shy” is better than Loud. Just trust me.

6. Cheesy bottom line: it’s about chemistry. Barring certain non-negotiable matters of personal hygiene, manners, and taste in superheroes, your “appeal” does not occur in a vacuum. Granted, yes, there certain things (Society, Culture, Boobs, etc.) that mean that certain people get noticed first. But as far as anything longer than one awkward empty conversation is concerned, it’s the Reese’s effect: you could have perfectly good chocolate, but go figure, only certain people are going to trip over you with the peanut butter (see grownups, I’m talking to you too: teens will not remember those commercials). I am talking about that elusive “click.” (NOT, may I remind you, that exclusive clique that requires a boy/girlfriend for entry.) So what to do? Don’t shrink back, stung and defeated, into a spiny shell; step out and go places and do things where the odds are higher that the chemistry/peanut butter/click person will be there, too. And while you’re playing the odds, have a little trust in fate. If you don’t believe me, see “Next Stop, Wonderland.” Which, bless its heart — and yours, in the meantime — also makes a powerful, lovely case for being alone, all to a balmy bossa-nova beat. Rhyme/reason? No. Rhythm? Yes.

* Italian for boy/girl and boy/girlfriend. Empirically, appears to be synonymous with “hottie.”

This column was originally published August 31, 1998.