Inconvenient truths from February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just broke it off with the guy I was seeing and the reason that I gave him is that we didn’t click. But I also thought that he was annoying. So I told him the truth about that and now he hates me for being honest. Did I do the right thing?

— Turtle Girl

 
Dear Turtle Girl,

Ah, the old “We don’t click.” As Buffy might say, “You wanna vague that up for me?” It is indeed a maddeningly fuzzy thing for a dumpee to hear. Dumpees: you always want to know WHY, like, in the form of an itemized list of grievances. First of all, sometimes dumpers really don’t know why; “gut feelings,” “chemistry,” and “click”-age are mysterious, yet perfectly legitimate phenomena. But when dumpers do have reasons, well, you think you want to know, but you really don’t (much like how we think we want to know how many people our partner has slept with).

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The “Predicament of the Week” from February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My wife and I have been married for six years. She rapidly became unaffectionate and irritated-seeming. We have had numerous “relationship talks” which take the form of “I know, I act cool toward you. I need time alone.” She is reading A Room of One’s Own. I try to give her space, but she seems to need a lot of space. I am a very low-maintenance type, but I would like to be touched, hugged good-night or told I am wanted at least weekly. She says she does not want to end the relationship, but I think I that’s because I am a good babysitter for her 13- and 17-year-olds, a good companion for going to the movies or Europe, and a good maintenance man for the house. She says we have a good “business” relationship; I want to feel appreciated. Should I cut my losses and look for someone who clearly loves me, or is distand friends a fair deal in this world?

— Norm!

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Reruns from February 2, 1998…

Laura writes: I’m 36, divorced (for over five years), and have been seeing a great guy for four months. But last week, a guy I fell head over heels for a year ago came back into my life (after having moved away for a year). I really like the guy I’m seeing, but have never felt that “magic” with him — as so wonderfully talked about in “Sleepless In Seattle” in the attic scene with the old wedding dress. I did feel “magic” with Mr. Return.

My plan of action is to spend time with Mr. Return on a non-sexual, nothing but friends basis to see if there is, truly something there. I want to be fair to the guy I’m dating, as well as to my soul — after all, I so want to find my destiny, and believe that abiding love has that “magic.” Do you have any other ideas? Do I sound like I’m totally barking up the wrong tree? Your advice is most welcome.

Lois Lane writes: I’ve been married for seven years (not happily) and about a year ago I met up with my ex-boyfriend from high school. It was like we never broke up. My husband can provide for me with material things but not emotionally. On the other hand my ex is there for me emotionally, but not for material things. Should I divorce my husband or should I stay for the sake of the kids? I’m so sad!

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Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month…

1. Warhammer Widow feels like she comes in second to her beau’s gaming — but then, so does paying his car insurance. Eeep!

2. Confused and Hurt, who is not a virgin herself, has a boyfriend who said he was. That is, until he finally admitted that she wasn’t his first. This is both confusing (why lie?) and hurtful (the lies!).

Globetrotting on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boyfriend or more than four years. He is from Boston and I am from Malaysia. We met in Hong Kong four years ago. Four months ago, he got transferred to Singapore. Though we see each other a lot, I feel frustrated because I have to fly down three to four times a month. I am a flight attendant, so it’s pretty cheap for me to travel, and he makes the effort to see me as well. But recently we’ve fought a lot. We fight over the issue of who’s not doing their share of the relationship. Whenever a problem arises, he pushes me away. He said he cannot deal with this, especially when he’s so stressed at work. I love this guy with all my heart. Please help.

— JT

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Yeah, our site got blacklisted on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. The problem is that he likes porno, but does not like to view it together. He hides books and goes on the Internet to view it. I don’t think I would mind it that much … but he does not tend to my needs. I don’t think sex once a week or less is enough. I know he pleasures himself more than that with that trash. I just don’t understand. It hurts me. It makes me feel as if I am not good enough. I desperately need advice about this. Please help. Is it time to move on?

— Megan

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Celebrating January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is there some unwritten female rule about celebrating birthdays before they arrive if the actual birthdate falls on some funky weekday where the two people can’t get together?

— JR in IA

 
Dear JR,

Yes. And then we lie about our age. Go figure.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Living in sin on January 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I are engaged to be married this fall. We recently decided to move in together to help cut down on the costs of living separately. We both looked forward to the idea of saving money until we approached his parents with the idea. Needless to say, we took them by surprise. His parents are very much against the idea of us moving in together before we are married. They have said that if we do go through with moving in together, we need to get married first. My boyfriend and I are really unsure as to how to handle his parents’ actions. There is no way for us to get married before our set date in the fall; my boyfriend is finishing up college and I still need to save up a little more money for our wedding. What is the polite way to tell my boyfriend’s parents to leave us alone, and that we plan to move in together with or without their blessing? And should we just tell them to butt out since they aren’t helping to pay for any of the wedding? This conflict with his parents is taking its toll on my boyfriend and me.

— Unsure in Missouri

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Out-numbered on January 28, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it so much a relationship if we break up six times a year but make up seven times over?

— Yvonne

 
Dear Yvonne,

That’s not a relationship, that’s a math problem.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Telling it like it should be on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a married woman in love with a married man. Do you think married people have the right to be in love with someone else? I never want to cheat on my husband, but I am very in love with the other man. Please help.

–Nano

 
Dear Nano,

Do married people have the right to be in love with someone else? Yeah. And the KKK has the right to march, and Hanson has the right to sing. These “rights” are principles; they don’t mean that nobody gets hurt. You’re doing your best to be noble, but clearly something is amiss. The question you really should be asking is: “Where did I write the number of that marriage counselor?”

Love,
Breakup Girl