The Predicament of the Week from November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been in the same relationship for 3 1/2 years. Lived with him for 3 years, owned our house jointly for 1 1/2 years. About a year ago, I started feeling like maybe we should be considering marriage — I was happy in the relationship and it seemed like the natural progression of the relationship too. I was very open about it and told him how I felt — his response was that he wanted to enjoy his 20s (he is now 29, I am 26) and that he didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married, and he wasn’t sure yet if he wanted to marry me. He said that he saw his parents have problems, a lot of friends and their parents have problems, and he wanted to be sure it was the right step to make.

I accepted this answer. In the meantime, it has given me a lot of time to focus on my own feelings and wants and needs, and has given me a chance to see things about him that I don’t like, or at least recognize the fact that there were things I was unhappy about. For one, he and I do not spend a lot of time together: I am a part-time student as well as working full-time, so I am in class two nights a week. However, on two of the other nights, he goes to happy hour with his friends — ALL NIGHT, then drives home, and in his drunken stupor, wants sex. UGH. What a turn-off. I have told him how I feel about this, and he says its no big deal, that he can drink if he wants to, etc.

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Not appealing on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Two days ago on a park bench (cliche!) my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. I think. His grounds? Law school. He explained that his first year at law school has monopolized his time, and that he can’t be good to anybody else right now, blah blah, and that he felt helpless and guilty that he was unable to be as good a boyfriend as he had in the past. All of this was said through tears. He then insisted that this was not a breakup but a hiatus and closed the deal by saying he loved me. What is the dilly? Am I dumped or what?

— Law School Widow

Dear LSW,

Yes. Truly sorry. But at least he said it through tears. Not through, say, an attorney.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting out on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hmmmm…well, first it took me forever just to get up the nerve to write to a cartoon character, and then Lucy had her “not seeing any silly geekgirls” sign out at the psychiatric booth, so here I am, sending an urgent missive to Breakup Girl.

I’m Breakup List fodder for sure, I suppose. I live with my bf of 2.5 years; he likes me only marginally, sometimes, and totally ignores me the rest of the time. He won’t even have sex with me unless it’s dark and, I’m not making this up, he has a pillow over his face.

I am completely amazed that I put up with this, but here I am, snug in my routine and having a difficult time removing myself from what is a most crappy situation. What I need is something to inspire me to get out. Now. Any suggestions? What is the best Leaving Procedure? I haven’t done this before! Thanks!

— Geek Without a Clue

Dear Geek,

Lucy doesn’t know what she’s talking about, anyway. Plus I’ll save you a nickel.

You want Inspiration? Get out now, and you stand a chance of having an actual boyfriend one of these days. Or just… being content, with or without a side of Boy. What BG is guessing is that: that you have, buried in your psyche, some idea that you don’t deserve — or will never do — better. WRONG. I’m saying that not only to be perky and positive, but also because, well, it’s hard to imagine doing worse.

You want Procedure? Say: “I’m moving out. You can keep the pillows.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. I really don’t mean to be flip, but it — the actual Procedure, anyway – is that simple. You need help dealing with Aftermath, you write me back.

Disengaging on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been reading your column for about six months now and I think it is just great! Here is my problem: I am 29 and have been dating a guy for three years. I have known him for 15 years. We were best friends since high school before we started dating. We took it real slow in the beginning as we didn’t want to ruin a great friendship. Now after 3 years I want out. I am not sure if it is just that I have the three-year itch. (I have had two other relationships that have lasted three years and then I called it off.) We talked about marriage but I no longer see it as an option. I have tried to break up with him but he cried, said he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I gave in. I really don’t want to hurt him and don’t know how to ease his pain. How do I get out before we wind up engaged? There is noone else; I am just not in love with him anymore.

— Lise

Dear Lise,

“Before we wind up engaged?” Again with the word choice that makes it sound like engagement is something that happens to you by chance, as in, “Let’s clean up the picnic before we wind up getting rained on!” Similarly, you “tried” to break up with him? That has about the same logic as, in the age of voice mail and beepers and communications satellites, saying “I TRIED to call you.” What, you “tried” to call, but your cell phone wound up getting rained on? In breakups, as in telephones, and telekinetically levitating X-Wing fighters out of swamps, there is no “try.” Now, I don’t mean to ignore the fact that getting out is going to SUCK, given especially how long you’ve been close (and we can talk about that in another letter). For more about HOW — and especially how NOT to, see the Predicament of the Week. But if you need resolve-strengthening, remember what I said to Wishy Washy: no mercy marriages. You wanna “ease his pain?” Then cut the cord before you tie the knot.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Thanks for the compliment.

An international incident from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have lived together with this girl for two years, and before that we dated for about two years. I have wanted a long time to break up, but she doesn’t want to. I have been very open and honest about what I feel, and am asking her several times a week to move out. She refuses, says she can’t move out and that she feels unsafe in this big town without me (which is a European capital — she comes from a smaller place some 300 miles from here, and moved here to be with me). Every time I bring the topic up, she thinks I’m being mean. We live in a flat which I own and that I lived alone in for 11 months before she moved in. I really want to break up. To change locks or contact the police or some other authority seems so mean, but sometimes seems like the only option. Is there a nicer way?

— Anders

BG’s answer after the jump!

Doing the right thing on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s the thing — my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. He has basically treated me like gold for those two and a half years. But lately, he has been so distant and beyond mean. I told him that he was not treating me right and if he didn’t shape up, he would be shipped out. He would just get mad at me and tell me that I was overreacting and that he was just really confused. I would ask him “confused about what?” and he would never give me a straight answer. So the other day I was at his house and I decided to go on his computer on AOL. When I went on I found letters that he sent to a girl saying how she looked really good (she must have sent him pictures via e-mail) and he wanted to get to know her better. He even sent her a picture, our homecoming picture with me cut out, via email. I was furious and just left his house. I was trying to give him a chance to redeem himself by treating me right and making me trust him again. But he did no such thing. I dumped him less than an hour ago and I feel terrible. My heart feels like it is broken in half. Did I do the right thing? Or should I take him back and see if things change? I just love him so much, I don’t know what to do.

— Distraught

Dear Distraught,

After a relationship, snipping up photographs (with scissors or Photo Shop) is Arts and Crafts Therapy. During a relationship, it is an Act of War. Sorry.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Jinxed Joan whose cursed by a layabout boyfriend that is sapping her monetary resources as well as her emotional ones…

I told him that he needs to get a job, but he says he has applied and nobody is hiring. I feel very angry when we are together because I end up paying the bills for both of us.

Can she change her slacker’s mojo, or does she just need to ward off this evil spirit? Read Lynn’s take at Happen Magazine, then add your own in the comments below.

Getting restless on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have this annoying problem with the 4.5 year itch. I’ve been through three engagements and am looking at yet another split. Problem is, I never seem to grow up; I can’t seem to stay with anyone for more than a few years. Inevitably, I get restless and bored. And I’m certainly not getting any younger. Do you think that the “pattern” is set? I mean, is it possible that I am the way I am until the end of time? I’ve tried therapy, couples counseling, chanting and prayer…nothing seems to work. A friend of mine has suggested (in all her kindness) that I simply haven’t met “the one,” that I have a deep-rooted fear of real intimacy…so I choose people who who are more interested in me than I am in them. She may be right. So, help! What can I do with myself? Should I just accept the way I am and cheat on my current partner? Just accept this as a way of life?

— Wanderlust

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been going out with the same guy for about nine months….including the time we weren’t actually “going out,” just messing around/while I was “cheating” on my long-distance love, and so much has happened since I met him that I don’t know what to think or do or anything.

I care deeply about him, I love him, blah blah blah…but my parents hate him and want me to dump him and have for a while now. I can’t even talk to him on the phone without them turning it into a huge issue involving lectures and comparisons to various evil figures in history. My Dad insists he’s seen a pattern in many men, and that my guy is in the early stages of what is likely to become an abusive relationship.

My guy is mean to me sometimes, but we’ve been getting along better lately, even though I sometimes want to kill him….see, I’m lost! He’s so cute and I laughed my butt off at your comment, “I never want to see you again…unless you’re wearing those jeans,” because that is SO true about how I feel sometimes. I’ve broken up with him before, tried to other times, and he starts to cry and whine and make me feel awful. I hate that!

So, I guess my question is, should I break up with him, how can I do it without being mean, and what the hell am I supposed to do since I still love him? And his clothes…I don’t want to give them back! Okay, that’s all, I suppose…please help!

— Vera

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(But Sometimes I Can Leave Stuff Out)

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can’t figure out how to tell my boyfriend I want to break up without hurting his feelings. He has really bad breath, aggravates me about if I like him or not (which I did until he annoyed me with the question too much), and he wears makeup to cover acne (he thinks I can’t tell, I guess). What to do?

— Darlene

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